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Class of October 2013 - Part 14

Old 07-31-2015, 09:32 AM
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I'm glad that you haven't done one today. As you said, it starts with a single day.

I'm really glad you reached out for support, Driver. I've often wondered how you were doing. I'm also happy to hear that the babies are doing well.

Excuse my ignorance, but is it more of a psychological dependence than physical?
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Old 07-31-2015, 10:01 AM
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Yes, psychological. At least that is my observation of things.

Thanks for the encouragement WD.

One of my big fears is the potential for health consequences. This is a main reason I came clean with my wife (and here at SR).

It's a hard pill to swallow that I've put myself back in this position again
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Old 07-31-2015, 10:26 AM
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I'm proud of you Driver. Being honest with your wife and us takes courage.

It's one thing to recognize a problem exists. It's something altogether different to open up and admit a problem to others.

I hear you about being worried about health concerns. That's what drove me to SR in the first place.
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Old 07-31-2015, 01:05 PM
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Driver - glad to hear from you and sorry to hear you are struggling. I had to look up whippets too but then realized you were talking about huffing. You are a smart, witty dude that has always provided me with sound advice through your related experiences. I had a couple of friends in high school that were huffers and what I learned from them is that s*!t will dumb down your brain. It will slow your thought processes, your mechanics, your cleverness...it all becomes dull. I would hate to see that for you.

Do you watch the show Intervention? Some things happen and I realize I am exactly where I am supposed to be. I never watch that show, too depressing. But the other night I caught an episode that peaked my interest before I could find the remote. The dude was a huffer, computer duster if I remember correctly. It was really hard to watch. Even when he got clean he was just kind of "dead" in the eyes. I don't think it was a coincidence that I watched that show and here you are today...

We are substance abusers here. The specific substance doesn't seem to matter. Why are we using? What are we trying to avoid? How come "just one" or "every once in awhile" is not good enough for us? I don't know. I have done a lot of research into these answers for me. Knowing who I am and what makes me uncomfortable (I call those things my skin-peelers) allows me to identify my patterns of behavior that lead to that desire to escape, use...this helps me to know when to use the tools I have learned to make a change. Do something different. Maybe get a different outcome.

The other night my 17 year old hacked my facebook account and would not give me the password. I asked for it back nicely and she said she would give it to me for a thousand bucks. Before, I would have been so pissed and she would have gotten a nice earful of scathing words and creative name calling. That is my private info. Personal conversations with other people. 7 years of photos and memories! I was mad but instead of engaging in her drama I asked her nicely (several times) and just waited. I got it back about 12 hours later. If I had gone on a texting rampage calling her all the names I was thinking in my head I would have never gotten it from her. We would be fighting still. I did something different and got a better outcome. Anyway, I digress.

Glad to hear the babies are good! I hope you will stick around and let us remind you why you are worth the effort of not using that crap. Missed you, pal.

XOXO
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Old 07-31-2015, 01:16 PM
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I guess I didnt view it as huffing as I always associated that with those who inhaled noxious things (like paint or glue). But in the end, I guess it is a form of huffing (Whippets were something I did occasionally in college so I wrote it off as innocuous). I do feel dumbed down. I just hope I can rebound from this. I'm scared Tobers. Scared today, tomorrow and all the other tomorrows. So ashamed.
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Old 07-31-2015, 01:22 PM
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You can do anything you set your mind to! Look, here you are talking about it. Admitting it is a really tough thing to do and you did that to your wife and to all of us here. Keep moving forward and put this in your past. ((hugs))
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Old 07-31-2015, 01:36 PM
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Driver - Have you spoken to a doctor about your concerns/fears?

Cindy - You are one wise gal. Enjoy Cueto tonight. The Blue Jays have been busy too.
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Old 07-31-2015, 01:49 PM
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Thank you both for taking the time to hear and respond to my plight. It means a lot.
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Old 07-31-2015, 01:50 PM
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I have not spoken to my doctor. I have fears about this becoming part of a permanent record.
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Old 07-31-2015, 01:51 PM
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I'm just gonna keep posting for now
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Old 07-31-2015, 01:57 PM
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How are you feeling now?

Is there a specific time of day or situation that will be the most tempting?
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Old 07-31-2015, 04:00 PM
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I am typically tired at the end of the day, but I don't attribute that too much to the whippets. The half life of this "drug" is quick so direct after effects work out of the system rapidly. By the end of the night I feel quite normal other than being tired. The "tired" I mention is probably a function of other medications that I am prescribed associated with the longer term ramifications of the Guillaine Barre Syndrome I was diagnosed with last year. To say the least, the psychotropic regimen resulted in great anxiety (which was nothing new in my life, yet amplified tremendously) but also major depression. Depression was/is a new experience for me. My emotional state deteriorated to the point that I was no longer able to work and I have been on leave since.

There also is no getting around the fact that i was adjusting to new circumstances/responsibilties as a parent.

No excuses, but I honestly believe the whippets (at the beginning) were a way for me to escape my affective problems caused by the meds. Now I believe they have only further amplified problems as I spun out of control with the whippets.

The direct answer to your question regarding temptation is easy....always the morning. I began feeling better in mornings somewhat recently so convinced myself it was ok to use. Hate the whole thing within minutes, but then it's too late...I'm all in.

If I can get past mornings, I'm safe. You all will be seeing a lot of posts in the morning. I sure hope not to be a broken record but the daily posts may just be simple snippets to let you all know I made it.
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Old 07-31-2015, 04:12 PM
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Welcome back Driver

whatever the drug I think the bottom line is the same- you need a recovery plan - this is great link to help you work out what a recovery plan may mean for you:

https://store.samhsa.gov/shin/conten...0/SMA-3720.pdf

Unfortunately it's not uncommon for us to cut the head off our addiction only for it to grow another....but you beat booze, you can not only beat this too, but hopefully beat addiction altogether this time

Hard work, but you'll have support here and in the main forums

D
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Old 07-31-2015, 04:39 PM
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Thanks for your sentiments Dee. I can see the resource will be very helpful.
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Old 07-31-2015, 05:19 PM
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Hi, Driver!! So happy to have you back, although I wish it were under better circumstances for you. Just recently I was posting about wishing I had some relief from some anxiety I have been experiencing and while alcohol didn't feel like an option, I admit my mind was wandering as to what would give me relief. Those kinds of thoughts scare me and I immediately reported them here. That is why SR is such a valuable tool!

I have to admit that I was worried for you a little bit with the new parenting thing. You are such a positive man and you were so "all in" on the daddy thing, but as a mother of four, I know it ain't all puppies and roses all of the time. It must be especially daunting at times with twins! I am so happy to hear that the babies are doing great and you are doing the best thing you can for them by coming back here and kicking this nasty habit of yours. I have to admit that I had to look whippets up, too and what I saw scared me a little bit.

A big part of my first year of sobriety was focused entirely on "not drinking", getting through the milestones and changing my life so that I wouldn't have the same temptations. This second year has been a lot more focused on my emotional sobriety and in a lot of ways, it has been harder and not so clear a path. Perhaps you felt that you had sobriety licked and didn't delve enough into what/why triggers you??

We are here for you, Driver and we are so happy to have you back! I obviously would get whatever you have been using as a whippet out of your house, so that to pick it up and use it would take a great deal of effort and thus, give you more time to think it to the end and the horrible long term damage it could do to you and thus, to the three people in your life who love you most.

HUGS!!
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Old 08-01-2015, 06:35 AM
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Driver - How are you doing this morning?
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Old 08-01-2015, 06:50 AM
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Thanks for the thoughtful response DD. I guess I did think I had things licked and just viewed the whippets as a minor distraction. So wrong. Uhhhg.

Putting more thought into my triggers was something I thought I had explored thoughtfully, but obviously those thoughts didn't stick.

Anyway, no whippets today. Starting the day with some yard work.
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Old 08-02-2015, 08:59 AM
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Keeping things clean today. Just wanted to check in
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Old 08-03-2015, 05:02 AM
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How are you doing Driver? I thought a lot about you this weekend.

Yesterday my wife and I participated in a 8+ mile float down the Ohio River. It's called Paddlefest and they close the river to motor boats and barges for the morning. Paddlers have the river to themselves and we had a blast.

We did the float with another couple. I spoke of the guy a while back. He had decided to give up alcohol earlier in the year. I had heard that he was thinking of going back to drinking and, sure enough, he had. He thought his 3 months of sobriety had allowed him to reset his drinking and that with attention, he would be able to moderate. We've all been there. I hope he's successful, but I have my doubts.

Talking to him about his moderation, he commented on how much work it was. Friends, there was a time when talking with someone trying to moderate would have put that temptation in my own head. This time, there was no such temptation. I'm so happy with being sober. Floating down the river in the clean morning air, I was so thankful for not having alcohol in my life. Besides just not drinking, so many areas of my life have improved. Exercise, diet, relationships ... you name it. Why would I ever want to reintroduce alcohol into my life?

I'm thankful for all of you. I couldn't have done it without the support all of you have provided over the last couple of years.

Have a great day, Tobers.
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Old 08-03-2015, 05:39 AM
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Have a good day guys

D
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