... even more rambling ...
Gratitude. I always considered myself as a person with gratitude. I had an event, however, some twenty plus years ago that knocked the piers out from under my view of self. I was stripped bare and started from scratch. I can speak at some other time about that event, but it humbled me to the core. I knew without a doubt that I was a flawed creature and that any illusions I had regarding "right thinking" were just that ... illusions. My gratitude went to an entirely different level.
I have not used AA, but I have been tempted to check out a meeting for one reason. In a world where everyone acts like they've got it together, I think it remarkable for there to exist a community where members understand at a deep level their own powerlessness and who cultivate a reliance upon something outside of themselves. You might think that is an environment that you would find in most churches, but I wonder. Even at church we act like we have it all together when sometimes the truth is that we are falling apart.
So how does that relate to gratitude? You may have heard the Leonard Cohen song "Anthem." I often think of the chorus:
Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything
That's how the light gets in.
I have lived those words. Thoughts of perfection left me a long time ago as I have my cracks. Yet, rather than dwell on being flawed, I try to focus on the light that is revealed as a result.
DD ... I said that you're very intelligent, but you're also very honest. Oh, for more honest people in the world! Find your cracks and then accept them rather than fight them as something to fix ... as something to perfect. Rather use them as windows.
... end of ramble.