Class of April 2013 Part 6
Guest
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: The Deep South
Posts: 14,636
Just plugging away on this Monday afternoon. Getting some admin stuff done. Paying some bills. Listing one of the cars for sale. Yadda yadda. Listening to piano jazz in the background. Doing ok with staying offline. Still need to focus on this though. I find my thoughts continually jumping to "email, amazon order, forum, email, pinterest..." So it seems to help to play the piano jazz in the background while I try and focus on whichever task I"m doing, reading, and writing.
Missed another Continuing Care meeting today. Not thrilled about going back. The counselor got a new job. I was sad to see her go. And not thrilled about the possibility of seeing that insulting lady again. So, yeah... I blew it off again.
Husband and I argued over the phone today. About selling the car. And getting a better way to mount the kayaks on top of the cars. Long story. Not worth it.
Also, trying to talk him into getting us an iPad. Though I already own a MacBook Air and it needs some work to get it running properly. Guess I'm not thinking so logically today. I need some exercise or a walk in the park I think.
Missed another Continuing Care meeting today. Not thrilled about going back. The counselor got a new job. I was sad to see her go. And not thrilled about the possibility of seeing that insulting lady again. So, yeah... I blew it off again.
Husband and I argued over the phone today. About selling the car. And getting a better way to mount the kayaks on top of the cars. Long story. Not worth it.
Also, trying to talk him into getting us an iPad. Though I already own a MacBook Air and it needs some work to get it running properly. Guess I'm not thinking so logically today. I need some exercise or a walk in the park I think.
Guest
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: The Deep South
Posts: 14,636
Yeah, Dee, I think so. For right now my goal is just to concentrate on being on for a total of no more than 2-3 hours. And ideally, spread out. My tendency is for my mind to not want to focus on a task for very long before having disruptive thoughts of checking email, checking SR, checking Twitter, etc.
Today I did ok. Not as good as Friday, but not as bad as before.
Today I did ok. Not as good as Friday, but not as bad as before.
Guest
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: The Deep South
Posts: 14,636
I took the kitten outside this morning. We don't let her run free outside yet with the others because we haven't gotten her neutered and we certainly don't need any more cats! I held her as she surveyed her surroundings. It was precious. She looked at the grass, the trees, the other houses... and then she tilted her little head backward and gazed up at the sky, wide-eyed 
I realized just how much I take life for granted sometimes. It's rather amazing to wake up every day, breathing. You know? So easy to take it for granted though. I'm glad I got to see her experience wonder at the world today.
I realized just how much I take life for granted sometimes. It's rather amazing to wake up every day, breathing. You know? So easy to take it for granted though. I'm glad I got to see her experience wonder at the world today.
Guest
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: The Deep South
Posts: 14,636
I'm reading Thich Nhat Hanh's book Peace Is Every Step. Yesterday, I found a few things I want to share...
There's a section called Conscious Breathing where he talks about a simple exercise. As you breathe in, you say to yourself, "Breathing in, I know that I am breathing in." And as you breathe out, say, "Breathing out, I know that I am breathing out." Or simply just say, "In" and "Out."
He says that breathing is our link between our body and our mind. And it's so true! Breathing is controlled by out autonomic nervous system, so we don't have to be aware of it for it to happen. So when we DO become aware of it (mindfulness), we are then consciously connecting our brain with our body in a sense. And becoming whole for that moment. Or, conscious.
Then, in the next section, he expounds and takes it a step further: As we breathe in and out, say, "Breathing in, I calm my body. Breathing out, I smile. Dwelling in the present moment, I know this is a wonderful moment!" ...saying each line in the in and out breath, alternately.
He goes on to say: "Our appointment with life is in the present moment. If we do not have peace and joy right now, when will we have peace and joy - tomorrow, or after tomorrow? What is preventing us from being happy right now? As we follow our breathing, we can say, simply, "Calming, Smiling, Present moment, Wonderful moment."
I can see it really working!
There's a section called Conscious Breathing where he talks about a simple exercise. As you breathe in, you say to yourself, "Breathing in, I know that I am breathing in." And as you breathe out, say, "Breathing out, I know that I am breathing out." Or simply just say, "In" and "Out."
He says that breathing is our link between our body and our mind. And it's so true! Breathing is controlled by out autonomic nervous system, so we don't have to be aware of it for it to happen. So when we DO become aware of it (mindfulness), we are then consciously connecting our brain with our body in a sense. And becoming whole for that moment. Or, conscious.
Then, in the next section, he expounds and takes it a step further: As we breathe in and out, say, "Breathing in, I calm my body. Breathing out, I smile. Dwelling in the present moment, I know this is a wonderful moment!" ...saying each line in the in and out breath, alternately.
He goes on to say: "Our appointment with life is in the present moment. If we do not have peace and joy right now, when will we have peace and joy - tomorrow, or after tomorrow? What is preventing us from being happy right now? As we follow our breathing, we can say, simply, "Calming, Smiling, Present moment, Wonderful moment."
I can see it really working!
capra laeviculus
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: German Village, OH
Posts: 3,427
Heh, when I become conscious of my breathing I start doing it wrong and very soon I start yawning
I'm in Cleveland tonight, getting ready to meet with a potential very big client in the morning!
I made myself a little signature image in photoshop:
I like it. I probably won't use it though. Too many questions to be answered about it
.... and because I need to credit the goat image I used, which was from teonova.com. Hope they don't mind!
I'm in Cleveland tonight, getting ready to meet with a potential very big client in the morning!
I made myself a little signature image in photoshop:
I like it. I probably won't use it though. Too many questions to be answered about it
.... and because I need to credit the goat image I used, which was from teonova.com. Hope they don't mind!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: The South Pacific
Posts: 306
There must be some short cut combo I'm unaware about on this new Mac.
I just wrote for about 10 minutes, and with a keystroke (unbeknownst to me) I've reversed my self back a couple pages. Whatever. How irritating.
I'll just say hi now. All is well. BD sends his regards.
I just wrote for about 10 minutes, and with a keystroke (unbeknownst to me) I've reversed my self back a couple pages. Whatever. How irritating.
I'll just say hi now. All is well. BD sends his regards.
Guest
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: The Deep South
Posts: 14,636
Oh, how irritating, Scout. Lol!! I've done it before, and I can't for the life of me remember how I did that either. Which reminds me... I really need to get my MacBook Air up and running again! I need it for the writing class.
*waves to Blue Dog*
DG... so sorry you've come down with something, sending you get well soon wishes!
Goat... that graphic looks great.
*waves to Blue Dog*
DG... so sorry you've come down with something, sending you get well soon wishes!
Goat... that graphic looks great.
Guest
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: The Deep South
Posts: 14,636
Woke up sad this morning. Actually shed a tear or two. Must be more grieving. Not sure exactly what I'm grieving. Seems to be all jumbled up. But I'm probably stilll grieving the deaths of my mom and grandmother. And the way things used to be. I used to be closer to my family. Now I'm all but estranged. And it was by my own choice. There is nothing good that will come from engaging with that side of the family, and I know this. I've tried.
Also crying because I realize how short life is. I don't think I'm depressed though. It's just that reality is right in my face as I grow in sobriety. I don't want to regret my choices anymore. But somehow I can't shake this feeling that life is buoying me along, that I have very little choice. This needs to change. Or I need to be ok with the perceived lack of control. Not sure which yet.
I don't want to wake up one day and be 60 and wonder where the 25 years went to.
I don't want my husband to regret marrying me. I want our lives to be better now that I can change some things.
We are discussing more school, for both of us. He sucks at school and doesn't like it. I loved it and have two degrees. He makes most of our money. I am struggling to come up with ways to make money. It seems the "smart" one of us sucks at making a living. Or, I just haven't figured out the best way for my brain to do this. I feel like a failure. He says it's ok, I'm still in the incubating phase... lol. We'll see.
I can't help but feel I've missed the mark in life. My genius is wasting. I may never publish anything. I may never make a penny from selling my stories. And I guess that's ok. But I at least need to figure out a way to make my husband's life easier, until he decides if he's willing to go back to school or not.
It just makes very little sense to me to do what he's wanting... I go out and get a job to put him through school (which he sucks at), so that he can be a teacher and do a job he really doesn't want to do anyway (teach kids). It makes more sense for him to keep his current job, put me through school to get my Masters degree in creative writing, and then I go and get a job teaching college students (which I don't really want to do, but would be good at).
We just can't come to any decision. Meanwhile, my two degrees are useless: psychology and philosophy. And he hates his job (long hours).
It sucks that we are just surviving. I want us to thrive. And we have to make changes in order to get there. I'm stumped.
Also crying because I realize how short life is. I don't think I'm depressed though. It's just that reality is right in my face as I grow in sobriety. I don't want to regret my choices anymore. But somehow I can't shake this feeling that life is buoying me along, that I have very little choice. This needs to change. Or I need to be ok with the perceived lack of control. Not sure which yet.
I don't want to wake up one day and be 60 and wonder where the 25 years went to.
I don't want my husband to regret marrying me. I want our lives to be better now that I can change some things.
We are discussing more school, for both of us. He sucks at school and doesn't like it. I loved it and have two degrees. He makes most of our money. I am struggling to come up with ways to make money. It seems the "smart" one of us sucks at making a living. Or, I just haven't figured out the best way for my brain to do this. I feel like a failure. He says it's ok, I'm still in the incubating phase... lol. We'll see.
I can't help but feel I've missed the mark in life. My genius is wasting. I may never publish anything. I may never make a penny from selling my stories. And I guess that's ok. But I at least need to figure out a way to make my husband's life easier, until he decides if he's willing to go back to school or not.
It just makes very little sense to me to do what he's wanting... I go out and get a job to put him through school (which he sucks at), so that he can be a teacher and do a job he really doesn't want to do anyway (teach kids). It makes more sense for him to keep his current job, put me through school to get my Masters degree in creative writing, and then I go and get a job teaching college students (which I don't really want to do, but would be good at).
We just can't come to any decision. Meanwhile, my two degrees are useless: psychology and philosophy. And he hates his job (long hours).
It sucks that we are just surviving. I want us to thrive. And we have to make changes in order to get there. I'm stumped.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: The South Pacific
Posts: 306
Sounds like some run of the mill Blues, SJ.
I think it's important you see that you need some changes to "thrive" as you put it.
I also think it's probably fairly typical. As an amateur recoverer, I don't know if it's across the board, but I think once our heads clear up a bit--we see things differently, and certain issues become a little more raw and "out there" than they were when we were drinking. (Or doing whatever it was we were...).
I am sure there are those out there that are a lot more accomplished at this than I am--but thinking about one's mortality is a pretty huge concept, and it scares me. I think it's fairly easy to be scared of such a large concept--and I do my best to live in the here and now, and take things as they come.
Without spewing a bunch of philosophical gibberish, I think sometimes it's easy to let yourself wander out into the unknown, the what-ifs, and the what-could-have-been--and it's not a good road for me personally to traverse: as there isn't much I can do about it. The over-used spilled milk phrase comes to mind.
As a writer, a lot of things I've read, and some of the most successful in the history of writing have had a lot of struggles to get where they ended up--and the answer was always: keep writing. J.K. Rowling was on public assistance trying to raise her kids, and making notes on cocktail napkins at the pub she worked at. She owns a castle. A freaking castle now.
Of course, I think cases like her's are rare, and certainly the exception: but I think the message is out there: keep at it. I got a book when I was in undergrad, 365 Writing Exercises or something of that nature--if I can find it, I'll come back and post the title, but I found it really helpful in just getting words to the page when I was struggling. Plus, some of the exercises were the catalyst for some really cool things I didn't know I had in there.
I think BD and I just regressed in our individual trainings. Nicotine is getting the better of me--and instead of chewing tobacco (ranch kid turned illustrator/artist...don't ask) I've gotten a pipe I'm chewing on and smoking. Dumb, but...whatever. The regression was me going outside for a pipe, and he leaping at the ceiling fan and barking as he saw us going outside. <sigh>
Plus, it's a bit rainy and cruddy today. Maybe I'll paint.
I think it's important you see that you need some changes to "thrive" as you put it.
I also think it's probably fairly typical. As an amateur recoverer, I don't know if it's across the board, but I think once our heads clear up a bit--we see things differently, and certain issues become a little more raw and "out there" than they were when we were drinking. (Or doing whatever it was we were...).
I am sure there are those out there that are a lot more accomplished at this than I am--but thinking about one's mortality is a pretty huge concept, and it scares me. I think it's fairly easy to be scared of such a large concept--and I do my best to live in the here and now, and take things as they come.
Without spewing a bunch of philosophical gibberish, I think sometimes it's easy to let yourself wander out into the unknown, the what-ifs, and the what-could-have-been--and it's not a good road for me personally to traverse: as there isn't much I can do about it. The over-used spilled milk phrase comes to mind.
As a writer, a lot of things I've read, and some of the most successful in the history of writing have had a lot of struggles to get where they ended up--and the answer was always: keep writing. J.K. Rowling was on public assistance trying to raise her kids, and making notes on cocktail napkins at the pub she worked at. She owns a castle. A freaking castle now.
Of course, I think cases like her's are rare, and certainly the exception: but I think the message is out there: keep at it. I got a book when I was in undergrad, 365 Writing Exercises or something of that nature--if I can find it, I'll come back and post the title, but I found it really helpful in just getting words to the page when I was struggling. Plus, some of the exercises were the catalyst for some really cool things I didn't know I had in there.
I think BD and I just regressed in our individual trainings. Nicotine is getting the better of me--and instead of chewing tobacco (ranch kid turned illustrator/artist...don't ask) I've gotten a pipe I'm chewing on and smoking. Dumb, but...whatever. The regression was me going outside for a pipe, and he leaping at the ceiling fan and barking as he saw us going outside. <sigh>
Plus, it's a bit rainy and cruddy today. Maybe I'll paint.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: The South Pacific
Posts: 306
Ha! I found it!
The Daily Writer, 366 Meditations to Cultivate a Productive and Meaningful Writing Life by Fred White, PhD English, U of Iowa, blah blah blah blah. Gazillions of writing/literature based awards, professor at UC-Santa Clara, all that jazz.
Really good book, I recommend it!
The Daily Writer, 366 Meditations to Cultivate a Productive and Meaningful Writing Life by Fred White, PhD English, U of Iowa, blah blah blah blah. Gazillions of writing/literature based awards, professor at UC-Santa Clara, all that jazz.
Really good book, I recommend it!
Guest
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: The Deep South
Posts: 14,636
Originally Posted by ScoutBall 
As a writer, a lot of things I've read, and some of the most successful in the history of writing have had a lot of struggles to get where they ended up--and the answer was always: keep writing.
Of course, I think cases like her's are rare, and certainly the exception: but I think the message is out there: keep at it.
Of course, I think cases like her's are rare, and certainly the exception: but I think the message is out there: keep at it.
I think BD and I just regressed in our individual trainings. Nicotine is getting the better of me--and instead of chewing tobacco (ranch kid turned illustrator/artist...don't ask) I've gotten a pipe I'm chewing on and smoking. Dumb, but...whatever. The regression was me going outside for a pipe, and he leaping at the ceiling fan and barking as he saw us going outside. <sigh>
Guest
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: The Deep South
Posts: 14,636
Originally Posted by ScoutBall
Ha! I found it!
The Daily Writer, 366 Meditations to Cultivate a Productive and Meaningful Writing Life by Fred White, PhD English, U of Iowa, blah blah blah blah. Gazillions of writing/literature based awards, professor at UC-Santa Clara, all that jazz.
Really good book, I recommend it!
The Daily Writer, 366 Meditations to Cultivate a Productive and Meaningful Writing Life by Fred White, PhD English, U of Iowa, blah blah blah blah. Gazillions of writing/literature based awards, professor at UC-Santa Clara, all that jazz.
Really good book, I recommend it!
I'll take a look on Amazon. Thanks!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Kansas City
Posts: 2,294
I will check out that book. I so some freelance writing and always seem to fret and stress about it.
Interesting evening.. I have a solo singing gig this Sunday, first in a while. And the first time I rehearsed and will sing not hammered. Suddenly so much more made sense. I think I made sense to the instrumentalists as well, they actually did what I wanted them to do.
So much more productive not smashed on my tail.
Olive the Nut-Pug snorts her greets to BD and to all!
Interesting evening.. I have a solo singing gig this Sunday, first in a while. And the first time I rehearsed and will sing not hammered. Suddenly so much more made sense. I think I made sense to the instrumentalists as well, they actually did what I wanted them to do.
So much more productive not smashed on my tail.
Olive the Nut-Pug snorts her greets to BD and to all!
Guest
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: The Deep South
Posts: 14,636
I have an appointment with my therapist in the morning. Looking forward to that. We have great sessions.
Tomorrow evening is my three hour training session at the women's shelter, my volunteer job I mentioned a few weeks back. It was postponed until tomorrow. Looking forward to finding out what all it's going to entail. I hope I enjoy it.
*waves to Olive*
Tomorrow evening is my three hour training session at the women's shelter, my volunteer job I mentioned a few weeks back. It was postponed until tomorrow. Looking forward to finding out what all it's going to entail. I hope I enjoy it.
*waves to Olive*
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: The South Pacific
Posts: 306
High Fives for all from the BD.
When in doubt, he high fives like crazy. Just showing the Human Treat Piņatas that he knows THAT move.
Finally got plans nailed down to have coffee with a friend this morning. I think I've mentioned her--she's an artist, and we get together to sketch from time to time.
She's stressing me out. She's a bit of a mess--a mother who is pretty weird, and financially dependent on her, which is weird in its own right, but E is for all practical purposes the "adult" in the relationship.
She is a kind, generous, and overall cool person but an absolute flake when it comes to making any type of plan--even something as simple as coffee/sketching at the beach. Seems any more we get together under that premise, and I get an earful for as long as I can stand it, before making some pre-built excuse to get out of Dodge.
Anyway. We've got plans that have held up under the test of time (12 hrs.) but I'm still waiting for the message that she is: Running late, something came up, car is lost, she is too tired, etc. etc. etc.
Hopefully: we just get some time to BS about fun stuff, and get some sketches done we can bounce off each other. No sense on projecting anything as it hasn't happened yet.
Have a good day all, be well.
-sb
When in doubt, he high fives like crazy. Just showing the Human Treat Piņatas that he knows THAT move.
Finally got plans nailed down to have coffee with a friend this morning. I think I've mentioned her--she's an artist, and we get together to sketch from time to time.
She's stressing me out. She's a bit of a mess--a mother who is pretty weird, and financially dependent on her, which is weird in its own right, but E is for all practical purposes the "adult" in the relationship.
She is a kind, generous, and overall cool person but an absolute flake when it comes to making any type of plan--even something as simple as coffee/sketching at the beach. Seems any more we get together under that premise, and I get an earful for as long as I can stand it, before making some pre-built excuse to get out of Dodge.
Anyway. We've got plans that have held up under the test of time (12 hrs.) but I'm still waiting for the message that she is: Running late, something came up, car is lost, she is too tired, etc. etc. etc.
Hopefully: we just get some time to BS about fun stuff, and get some sketches done we can bounce off each other. No sense on projecting anything as it hasn't happened yet.
Have a good day all, be well.
-sb
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