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Old 08-22-2013, 03:59 PM   #121 (permalink)
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Therapist said I wasn't acting myself today. She asked if I was depressed. I told her, no, I didn't think so. She asked if my husband had noticed a difference in me lately. I said he hasn't commented, but yeah maybe I've been a little insecure and upset lately. Finances, career, getting older, etc. All that good stuff.

Anyway, she gave me some tasks to do until next week's session: exercise, volunteer work, and check the requirements and deadlines for the MFA program here at the university.

Well, I am about to leave to go to the three hour training session at the women's shelter tonight. Have no idea why it's a three hour session, and nervous about that. I can't imagine what we'll be doing for that long. Hope it goes quickly.

Just looked up the details of the MFA program. My stomach has been turning and doing flips the entire time. I guess this really excites me and makes me nervous to imagine doing. I've got to start studying for the GRE. And I'll have to get ready 20-30 pages of fiction to submit with my statement of purpose, application, and fee. Deadline is December 31st.

I better get busy.
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Old 08-22-2013, 06:48 PM   #122 (permalink)
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I don't even know when my last post was. I'm still alive and not giving up. Had some jobs come my way and that makes me instantly stressed. I'm pretty addicted to the Net like Jennie. It's just a total escape like the booze, but not as destructive, I'll say that. I'm not proud myself, but I know it doesn't harm you guys to let me stick around. Being really depressed and not coming out of this like I did in the past has fueled my screw ups. All of the med changes and disappointing outcomes. Also being weak and not being able to do what I need to out of fear or some other reason.

I wanted to say hi, glad to see you guys here.

j
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Old 08-22-2013, 06:50 PM   #123 (permalink)
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Goat that logo for yourself is awesome!! Yes, a bit too much explaining involved in that one, unless your card is for a thrash metal band.
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Old 08-22-2013, 06:51 PM   #124 (permalink)
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glad you're doing OK Johnnie.
I'm a bit out of the loop too.

Fighting a migraine presently.

D
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Old 08-22-2013, 10:14 PM   #125 (permalink)
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Johnny, glad to see you are doing ok.

I am exhausted. Been gone for hours today. Had a nice long training session at the women's shelter tonight. Those are some smart, knowledgeable women running that place. I am glad to be a part of this. I think I am going to like them a lot. Had five other women there besides me. Two are doctoral clinical psychology students... they looked like kids. It was weird. I have never felt so old in my life. I felt like a loser for a minute there. I had to really concentrate on thinking positive.

It was an odd feeling being there, among regular women, not in a recovery group. I felt almost like an imposter. I know this is nuts. But I couldn't help it. Just got a complex in there. But then I started to feel really good... like, wow, this is something to be proud I'm a part of. I can do really good things in this organization. There is so much room for growth there, I can already see it. I even have a chance to be a part of this new program where I can teach kids, teachers, parents, and youth groups about domestic violence and sexual abuse. I figure, if I'm going to have to teach in grad school, and possibly after my MFA, now is a perfect chance for me to test the waters without committing... to see if I have what it takes to teach.
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Old 08-23-2013, 09:27 AM   #126 (permalink)
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Jennie, so you decided to go to grad school? You're going to teach undergrads? Which school did you decide? This women's shelter thing is amazing. And it is interesting that if you are smart and enthusiastic that you will excel and have a lot more opportunities in volunteer work, and then someone will offer you a job. As for feeling like a charlatan, isn't that the case with all of us? Ugggg...they are going to find out I'm a fake!! Sweating bullets....Well, Jennie you're not a fake, not a charlatan, your just as good as these people and you belong. I'd rather have someone that conquered substance abuse helping me at the shelter than a totally inexperienced goody two shoes. I always hated those workers in rehab. They were worthless and condescending, talked to us like 2 year olds.

However, I have no doubt that the group of women running the place are badass women who know their $h!t.

How is it we have so many writers here. Drake or someone was just talking about freelance writing? I already have the training, I just can't do anything about it...so frustrating!!!

Been kind of numb for a while. Never suicidal, but like I just don't care if I live. Kind of sucks.
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Old 08-23-2013, 09:58 AM   #127 (permalink)
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Johnny- Have you read up on PAWS?? Why We Donít Get Better Immediately: Post-acute Withdrawal Syndrome (PAWS) | What...Me Sober? Is it possible that some of your feeling bad is related to that? Maybe it's not my place to say this, but I think a lot of the time depression is a sign that we need to change things in our lives. Things like a healthy diet, getting exercise, eliminating alcohol, cigarettes and other drugs from our lives, etc. can go a really long way.

I too suffer from quite a bit of depression at times, although I try not to talk about it much. I kind of felt like, "Of course I feel bad: I drink all the time, I smoke pot all the time, I smoke a pack of cigarettes a day, I drink 3 pots of coffee a day, I don't get exercise, I barely eat, no wonder I feel like $hit." So although it may be tempting to go and get anti-depressants myself, I feel kind of like that would be avoiding the real causes of my depression. Maybe the antidepressants aren't working for you because the cause of your bad feelings isn't some inherent chemical imbalance in your brain, but rather due to lifestyle? I know it's hard to get the motivation to do things like exercise when you feel bad, but sometimes, you just gotta make yourself because you're so sick and tired of feeling bad you want to do anything possible to make it better.

Of course, I'm not a Dr. and I'm not qualified to give medical advice and that is all kind of just my opinion.

And we're always glad to have you posting here. One thing I've noticed is how much things have changed for many of us here and I think seeing that will give you motivation to really stick to the sobriety thing when you're ready. It does get better if you just don't drink.


SJ- Maybe it's not my place to say this either, but both your plan and your husband's plan make very little sense to me. Going back to school for a degree so you can get a job you don't really want seems like a crazy thing for either one of you to do. Why not work towards jobs that you both would enjoy? There's a million ways to make money, so why pick things that you don't want to do?

Dee- hope the headache has gotten better. Migraines suck.

SB- Hope the time with your friend wasn't as bad as feared.

Goat- How did the meeting with the potential client go? Any luck?

Drake- Hope the singing gig goes well.


I'm still a bit sick. Really wishing that I would hurry up and get better as I have a ton to do at work, and more is just piling up while I lie in bed doing nothing.

But it's day 137 no alcohol and day 37 no weed. It's actually kind of hard for me to believe in a way. I'm thinking to give up caffeine next... I've read several places that it's not recommended for recovering addicts and can increase anxiety. My life used to revolve around coffee, cigarettes, weed and alcohol, so in a way I group them all together and would like to be rid of all of them. But once I get rid of the caffeine, that would mean no more drugs for me at all of any kind which would be really cool!!! I feel a bit like a magician always able to pull another addiction out of the hat that I need to quit.
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Old 08-23-2013, 01:29 PM   #128 (permalink)
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Well, DG, I am wanting an MFA in creative writing primarily because I want to write, not because I want to teach. Teaching is just an obvious end result job for this degree, that is all. There are many other writing jobs that would open up to me. Academia is just one them. I hope this now makes sense to you.
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Old 08-23-2013, 01:46 PM   #129 (permalink)
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Checkin' in.
Rainy. Took a few photos for some color references as the clouds are kinda cool. Grey. Blue. White. Smoky.
BD didn't kill anyone at the dinner party we attended last night.
Either did I.

Success on two fronts.
Nicotine is still in play. Pretty decent case of the f$%k its today...so I'm going to have a pipe and look at my color studies.

Doing a bit of painting digitally.
Hope all are well.

Coffee with E yesterday was a bit tedious. For the 35124326th time--she is in a rut, and ready to adventure. I encouraged her.

Guess I'm not feeling overly friendly or compassionate.
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Old 08-23-2013, 01:46 PM   #130 (permalink)
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My therapist referred me to a Neuropsychologist who is going to test my husband for ADHD. I am happy to finally get this underway. Tired of him complaining. And tired of him not being able to function like he should. Can't believe his nutso parents didn't do this years ago, weirdos.

We just want to know for sure, and then treat it the best way possible. Will help him tremendously if he goes back to finish his degree, as this was the main reason he quit... his attention span.
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Old 08-23-2013, 01:50 PM   #131 (permalink)
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Johnny, you make a great point there, about volunteers who've conquered an addiction... I did consider this when deciding to apply for the position, and I even used it in my essay on my application. I am guessing they liked this too.

Are you exercising at all? My therapist is making sure I get up off my arse at go outside every day... Lol. It's not that I need to lose weight or anything, but it just boosts the good chemicals in the brain. Walking 30 min a day is enough probably.
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Old 08-23-2013, 03:20 PM   #132 (permalink)
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I KNOW, everyone! A lot of this is getting off my butt and doing something, especially exercise. Somehow I have managed to dodge that aspect of trying to get better . That is one of the biggest keys.

I also know that grabbing a quick fix with antidepressants is very common, but my clinical depression is serious. Maybe it would be a lot better, and a Prozac would work like it should, if I exercised, got regular sleep hours, etc, etc. I'm still feeling sorry for myself. I won't lie.
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Old 08-23-2013, 03:32 PM   #133 (permalink)
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Feeling better today DG - thanks

hope everyone has a good weekend

D
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Old 08-23-2013, 04:00 PM   #134 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by johnny555 View Post
I KNOW, everyone! A lot of this is getting off my butt and doing something, especially exercise. Somehow I have managed to dodge that aspect of trying to get better . That is one of the biggest keys.

I also know that grabbing a quick fix with antidepressants is very common, but my clinical depression is serious. Maybe it would be a lot better, and a Prozac would work like it should, if I exercised, got regular sleep hours, etc, etc. I'm still feeling sorry for myself. I won't lie.
I know it's easier said than done. What I've been doing is at least doing 15 minutes of exercise bike, cause it's hard to justify going a whole day without it, it's just sitting there right beside my desk! Ideally, I'd get 45 min every day, or at least 5 days a week.

The trick is to set a schedule and then to stick to it. Starting out with 10 or 15 min. Then, you develop the habit. Then it's easy sailing from there, supposedly
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Old 08-23-2013, 04:02 PM   #135 (permalink)
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I wanted to say goodbye to this class. I'll be leaving the forum. I wish you all the best.
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Old 08-23-2013, 04:09 PM   #136 (permalink)
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I hope you'll reconsider Jennie, but best wishes whatever you decide.

D
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Old 08-23-2013, 06:53 PM   #137 (permalink)
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Jennie, you have done extremely well, incredibly well. You've given me a lot of good advice and been very kind. I wish you would reconsider too. There is a time and a place for everything though. Maybe it is time for you to move on. I hate to see the group get smaller and to see you leave. But I wish you all the best and thanks for all the support.
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Old 08-23-2013, 07:23 PM   #138 (permalink)
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That's unfortunate from my perspective.

Hope all goes well. Do come back and let us know where we can pick up your book.

Best.
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Old 08-23-2013, 07:43 PM   #139 (permalink)
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Sorry to hear Jennie. Good luck in whatever comes next!

Anyone ever make home made jelly? I am thinking about doing it and have read some recipes. It doesn't sound all that easy and maybe a bit frustrating. I want to make some basil jelly as I do not care for sweet fruit jelly.

Other than that, quiet here.
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Old 08-24-2013, 05:42 AM   #140 (permalink)
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I made home-made jelly once or twice as a young teenager... it wasn't too bad, but I had mom there to help, and you know how moms are.
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