Jeni26

5 months is awesome INH. So happy for you!xxx



I'm a bit worried about Nicky... I may have to go search her out again.

Have a good day everyone xxx

Huxley

Hey kids, it's Stillsleeping. D'you mind if I come back on board?
xxx

Jeni26

Still!!!!!!!

Course it is you beautiful thing!!!! Why have you changed your name??xxxxx

Jeni26

P.S You have no idea how happy I am to see you back



Xxx

Huxley

Haha! Hello darling! Thanks for the welcome, that was so cool

Name change...well, partly because Stillsleeping made sense while I was still using and I'm not, partly because it's time for a change and a new start. I'm not in the same place as I was last time I was here, and in some ways it's better, in some ways much worse. But different.

It was lovely to read back over some of what you guys have been saying over the last couple of months. And how fricken cute is INH???? Damn, I'm a sucker for a redhead!

Jeni26

I'm just so bloody happy to see you....and it's about time I might add!

Hypo will be along shortly no doubt...she sometimes disappears and I have to go find her and drag her back.

How are you doing now? ' Different' is ok as long as you're heading in the right direction xxx. If you've been reading back you'll see that hypo and I take it in turn to have mini meltdowns every so often. Hypos are more dignified, and mine are toddler tantrums..

Oh and I DO EXERCISE NOW!!!!! No more nagging!xxx

Huxley

Hehe! Yes, you said - proper gym exercising, not just floating on your back in a swimming pool! I'm very proud

I'm okay. Life is good, I'm just finding that I'm having more and more days when I want to drink, sometimes as much as I did when I first quit. For a long time, coming here made things more difficult. Now I think it's time to come back.

After my Christmas relapse (wrong word really, sounds like I slipped. more like a swan-dive...) I know that if I cave once I'm screwed and it scares me, much more than it did before. I guess I know what the stakes are now. It was so. much. harder to quit the second time around; I don't know if I'd have the strength again.

Oh, what the hell am I saying?? Of course I would! I'm a bloody rock!

But a slightly scared rock who cries a bit sometimes

hypochondriac

Yay! So nice to see you back Still!!! Or Huxley I should say. We really missed you when you went. What have you been up to all this time? Have you finished teaching now? Tell us stuff x

Again, no part of me is dignified but I am flattered that you would suggest that Jeni

Not much is really new with me except I have a dog now That is the only exercise I am doing, which tonight mainly consisted of me standing around while Zoe ran around with a pack of her friends. She has more friends and definitely more 'boyfriends' than me!

Jeni26

Well...the good news is you won't have to do it again, not ever.

You can be quit for good.

How long have you been sober now? I found I hit a bump every couple of months, it was like clockwork. And there have been many times I have literally been saved by posting here. Twice I have sat with a bottle in front of me and have posted to someone who has talked me out of it. It is funny to think I'm in AA, got a sponsor and quite a few numbers, but it's SR that has saved my butt, and what I turn to first.

It's those little niggling thoughts that turn into a craving unless I confront them.
You were doing well Hux, you can do it again.

How about looking at some more support too. I know you weren't into AA, but what about AVRT or SMART meetings? Sometimes, no matter how strong we think we are, we can do with a little help. Xxx

Dee74

welcome back Huxley

D

LDT

Huxley, you are one diabolical chick! I just blindly accepted your friend request without even checking you out. I must have known on some level it was my evil twin coming back to haunt me.

Love you and glad you're back!

Ghostly

Good to hear from ya Huxley.

Jeni26

Hey Hypo, I just read that you're researching mindfulness meditation. I'm starting a course on it next week!!x

Shame you don't live closer, we could nip there together xx

Huxley

Hey lovelies,

Thanks so much for the welcome, all. I can't tell you how scary it is to pick up the SR pen after, what, 6 months?

Jesus, at least. Ugh.

I started drinking again at Christmas. Not by accident - we talked about it loads (me and H, he sends his love btw) - I did the common "I'm not really an addict, just a drama queen" thing. You all know that thing.

So we gave it a go for a week and it turned into a two month fight to put the bottle down that scared the crap out of me. I got clean again around February (says a lot that I'm not really sure when) and have been clean ever since.

And am happy and life is good, and work has been nightmarish but I've come up with good solutions and it's going to work out, and all sorts of other cool stuff that I'll go into another time

but I want to drink

and I want to get high

and some days I get really, really tired of fighting.

I've been thinking about coming back to SR for a while, but I didn't know why. I hate going back, which is I think the reason for the name-change, but I think I need you guys more. I don't know what I need. But I'm spiralling in a way that I can't define, and I guess this is the place where I can not know it out loud until I figure it out.

Jeez, did any of that make sense? I'm kind of thinking out loud here...

Hypo, I checked out your visitor page - your dog looks absolutely gorgeous, and so do you

Jen, thanks for the gentle suggestion about AA. I honestly think what I need is more of you. Like, really regular doses.

Oh, and, I'm technically a newbie, and cannot leave visitor messages. Ha! So don't think I'm being super-secretive when you get a PM in response to your hia

Love you guys xxx

hypochondriac

Jealous The nearest class to me is in Crewe. I am going to start going to some Buddhist classes near me which so far I have been avoiding because they are Kadampa and I have a few Buddhist friends who have a problem with them... I think I am just being needlessly judgemental though. They guy who fixes my computer who is Hindu said they're really good, and more practical than spiritual which is what I want. I have been doing it at home with recordings but I lack the discipline so a class would help. I have been listening to this guy a lot at work Dharma Punx - MP3 Talks and have found it immensely helpful and grounding. I hope you enjoy the class Jeni, let us know what it's like x

Huxley

Haha! That took so long to type, Hypo snuck in and pipped me to it

You a speedy typist lady! xx

hypochondriac

Well I for one am really glad you came back Huxley I don't think it's like going back in the sense of going back to an old relationship that failed miserably or something like that

God I know that thing. I think this pops up in my head everyday at some point. It is crazy. It makes it worse that I think the people who know why I quit think I am a drama queen too. And I can't tell if it is just my head that is doing that or they really think I'm nuts. Which makes it all the more crazy making. They look at me oddly when I go through all the negative things I got from alcohol, the nerve damage, the anxiety that made it hard to leave the house sober, the panic attacks... I don't know if other people think that's no big deal or they don't believe me or what. But I know that having people here who get it keeps me sane(ish) x

Huxley

I was thinking about you this weekend when my dad asked me if I was still "giving beer a break" Haha! He still thinks that addicts by definition refuse to admit they have a problem, therefore I don't. You found that so hard when you were first quitting, I remember it driving you nuts...

Grr.

Of course, the solution would be to tell him in gory detail but I don't want to break his heart.

I'm glad I came back, too. It's really, really good to hear you voice

Jeni26

My Internet keeps cutting out so forgive me if I suddenly disappear!!

I wasn't suggesting AA Hux, I know that's not your thing. I just wondered if there was an alternative solution, one which focuses your mind a bit. I'm using AVRT for the smoking and that has been an eye-opener. But, whatever, I'm just so glad you came back to us. You've been on my mind a lot, but you know that xxx

Yeah, our brains totally re-write the script don't they? I have been having counselling for some months now, and when I started to make real progress, I started to convince myself I could probably drink again...

What works for me is re-reading my old posts. I most definitely need to go back sometimes, especially to the night of my relapse. It doesn't haunt me like it once did, but I never want to repeat it. I also go to the newcomers section. Things are so raw there. That was you and me. It was all of us. How hard were those early days?

Stay close to us Hux. We can knock some sense into each other. We've all been on a hell of a journey together since march last year.

You and Hypo are like sisters to me xxxxxx

hypochondriac

You wouldn't be breaking anyone's heart by overcoming addiction Hux. That takes balls and it makes you a stronger person not a weaker one. Don't ever feel bad about it. It just is and it's something we have to deal with. All the negative self talk is the addiction itself, don't let it get to you x