Class Of October 2012
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 25
I'm New - Looking for Guidance...
I'm not sure if I am doing this correctly, my apologies ahead of time if I am not in the right place.
I'm looking for guidance on how to communicate with my boyfriend who is two weeks out of in-patient rehab. We aren't kids - we are in our 40's but we have been through Hell during the past three months.
I found him with 24 hours left to live, it took me two police officers to get him to the ER, he spent 15 days in ICU, 3 days in the Cardiac Unit and then was transferred to a 28-Day in-patient rehab. He volunteered to stay an extra week and is now back at home for the past two weeks but still attending Out-patient treatment. He is Sober and Alanon has helped me tremendously to understand the disease - I know it is his choice to drink or not - unfortunately, if he takes even one drink his pancreas will shut-down and he will die in the matter of hours. Knowing that makes me very worried but I am not nagging him about drinking.
Our problems stem from a lack of communication related to our relationship. The therapist told me to be honest and truthful. He has told me to open up but when I do it is disastrous.
- He shows me his out-patient worksheets and tells me that I have all of the issues on them. It's possible that I could benefit from what he is learning but he talks to me in an agitated, patronizing and unkind way that makes me paralyzed and very unsure what to do or say. I request we wait to discuss that with his one-on-one therapist.
- He says he loves to do and say shocking things to make me red but when
I try and explain that it embarrasses me or makes me uncomfortable - at his best he continues the behavior but at his worst he calls me psychotic, or says in an extremely condescending voice - "Seek help now, you are in serious trouble."
- He told me that the drinking started with a couple of drinks to take the edge off of uncomfortable social situations - I can relate to that feeling.
-When I get into uncomfortable situations, I will decline the activity or politely excuse myself but he cannot let it go. He will shout across a crowded pool - "Jesus - you look fine - get in already" and when I can't do what he is expecting he makes an ordeal about leaving and then ignores me for hours. Or privately while we are being flirty or romantic touch my face and say - "Huh, I see you are breaking out." It feels like he wants me to open up learning where I'm vulnerable so he can intentionally zing me when my guard is down.
He doesn't have a filter in social settings - he just does or says whatever he wants and then when I (or others) are hurt or angry at his behavior he is uncaring that he caused any harm to them just talks about how flawed they are.
I would like to be in a healthy relationship where I can trust my significant other but it seems as though he can be either adoring and sweet or ignoring and ugly.
I realize in the macrocosm he has to deal with staying sober without the luxury of a relapse and the gender, relationship issues are secondary but it still hurts. If we don't address it now, when will it get worked out? He can never have a drink again without the threat of death - I can't be expected to endure a relationship of bad treatment for the next 50 years.
Does 20 years of alcohol abuse cause men to be intentionally mean to loved ones even when they are sober or will it just take time for him to balance himself out?
Any helpful techniques or guidance is greatly appreciated.
Thanks much.
I'm looking for guidance on how to communicate with my boyfriend who is two weeks out of in-patient rehab. We aren't kids - we are in our 40's but we have been through Hell during the past three months.
I found him with 24 hours left to live, it took me two police officers to get him to the ER, he spent 15 days in ICU, 3 days in the Cardiac Unit and then was transferred to a 28-Day in-patient rehab. He volunteered to stay an extra week and is now back at home for the past two weeks but still attending Out-patient treatment. He is Sober and Alanon has helped me tremendously to understand the disease - I know it is his choice to drink or not - unfortunately, if he takes even one drink his pancreas will shut-down and he will die in the matter of hours. Knowing that makes me very worried but I am not nagging him about drinking.
Our problems stem from a lack of communication related to our relationship. The therapist told me to be honest and truthful. He has told me to open up but when I do it is disastrous.
- He shows me his out-patient worksheets and tells me that I have all of the issues on them. It's possible that I could benefit from what he is learning but he talks to me in an agitated, patronizing and unkind way that makes me paralyzed and very unsure what to do or say. I request we wait to discuss that with his one-on-one therapist.
- He says he loves to do and say shocking things to make me red but when
I try and explain that it embarrasses me or makes me uncomfortable - at his best he continues the behavior but at his worst he calls me psychotic, or says in an extremely condescending voice - "Seek help now, you are in serious trouble."
- He told me that the drinking started with a couple of drinks to take the edge off of uncomfortable social situations - I can relate to that feeling.
-When I get into uncomfortable situations, I will decline the activity or politely excuse myself but he cannot let it go. He will shout across a crowded pool - "Jesus - you look fine - get in already" and when I can't do what he is expecting he makes an ordeal about leaving and then ignores me for hours. Or privately while we are being flirty or romantic touch my face and say - "Huh, I see you are breaking out." It feels like he wants me to open up learning where I'm vulnerable so he can intentionally zing me when my guard is down.
He doesn't have a filter in social settings - he just does or says whatever he wants and then when I (or others) are hurt or angry at his behavior he is uncaring that he caused any harm to them just talks about how flawed they are.
I would like to be in a healthy relationship where I can trust my significant other but it seems as though he can be either adoring and sweet or ignoring and ugly.
I realize in the macrocosm he has to deal with staying sober without the luxury of a relapse and the gender, relationship issues are secondary but it still hurts. If we don't address it now, when will it get worked out? He can never have a drink again without the threat of death - I can't be expected to endure a relationship of bad treatment for the next 50 years.
Does 20 years of alcohol abuse cause men to be intentionally mean to loved ones even when they are sober or will it just take time for him to balance himself out?
Any helpful techniques or guidance is greatly appreciated.
Thanks much.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Australia
Posts: 85
Originally Posted by justhadenough 
hi robinson
there are 2 -'the easy way to stop drinking'-though i struggled to get this in the uk so got 'the easy way to control alcohol'
there are 2 -'the easy way to stop drinking'-though i struggled to get this in the uk so got 'the easy way to control alcohol'
Day 4 for me today, just woke up after 12 hours sleep. You'd think I'd be feeling great, but instead have a headache and shaky hands
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Australia
Posts: 85
Originally Posted by SilentScout
I'm not sure if I am doing this correctly, my apologies ahead of time if I am not in the right place.
Any helpful techniques or guidance is greatly appreciated.
Thanks much.
Any helpful techniques or guidance is greatly appreciated.
Thanks much.
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Looks like lots of interesting info and experiences for those who deal with family members.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Framingham ma
Posts: 15
Day 3 for me too! I said October 1st I was done! But wanted to get a jump start on it so started Saturday! It was such a challenge over the weekend but when I went to work today not sweating, sick to my stomach and wanting to die! I was so proud of myself.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Santa Monica, CA
Posts: 168
hey all! a night ago I came back from a wedding drunk out of my mind and got in two fist fights with my brother, said every possible terrible thing i could think of to the rest of my family, destroyed my brand new suit, and ruined my relationship with my girlfriend via phone.
Unfortunately, this is nothing new for me. I keep a lot of anger towards certain aspects of my life bottled up, and when I drink its as if all that anger explodes out. Im a fun drunk until I black out and become a completely different person.
I'm tired of hurting the people I love. I need to stop now! Multiple times I have quit drinking and stayed sober for 2-4 months at a time. After that I begin to miss the partying lifestyle. Having a bunch of drunk college friends makes it much for difficult. But this time, I really wanna stick with it. So here I am
btw im a 24 year old guy
Unfortunately, this is nothing new for me. I keep a lot of anger towards certain aspects of my life bottled up, and when I drink its as if all that anger explodes out. Im a fun drunk until I black out and become a completely different person.
I'm tired of hurting the people I love. I need to stop now! Multiple times I have quit drinking and stayed sober for 2-4 months at a time. After that I begin to miss the partying lifestyle. Having a bunch of drunk college friends makes it much for difficult. But this time, I really wanna stick with it. So here I am
btw im a 24 year old guy
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 1,180
Originally Posted by parkec100
JimJim. I know substituting one vice for another is not wise, but ICE CREAM might get help this week. 
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 1,180
Welcome ntr, wolfram.trikuza,lastcall,justfornow,parkc100 & ziggy
gigabit-sorry to hear you are feeling lousy.me too. just woke with a sore throat and headache after dodgy sleep -least no hangover! congrats on day 4
congrats on 7 days MTN.are you feeling better today?
uninvited-sleep usually gets better by 1 week,imrpoving massively by 2-3weeks
Jimjim-good on you for not buying whisky.can you maybe find a really good non alco drink you like-i had no idea so many existed!
cheese-how did you get on after work? hope you are ok
chipaway-at least you are back here.good luck on day 1. IsecondwhatDee says,post here if you get urges.
morning canguy-or its prob night where you are now!
silentscout-welcome,you may get more responses in the friends and families section
Well,day 4 for me-first in over 6 weeks.not feeling great but glad to be sober.sleep was patchy but i know it'll improve with time, gotta feel worse before we feel better with this demon.
Off to work for me which I'm enjoying(3rdweek).Only PT which suits and nice to have a new focus and keep busy.
Anyway,hope you have all slept well and have a happy Tuesday.x
gigabit-sorry to hear you are feeling lousy.me too. just woke with a sore throat and headache after dodgy sleep -least no hangover! congrats on day 4
congrats on 7 days MTN.are you feeling better today?
uninvited-sleep usually gets better by 1 week,imrpoving massively by 2-3weeks
Jimjim-good on you for not buying whisky.can you maybe find a really good non alco drink you like-i had no idea so many existed!
cheese-how did you get on after work? hope you are ok
chipaway-at least you are back here.good luck on day 1. IsecondwhatDee says,post here if you get urges.
morning canguy-or its prob night where you are now!
silentscout-welcome,you may get more responses in the friends and families section
Well,day 4 for me-first in over 6 weeks.not feeling great but glad to be sober.sleep was patchy but i know it'll improve with time, gotta feel worse before we feel better with this demon.
Off to work for me which I'm enjoying(3rdweek).Only PT which suits and nice to have a new focus and keep busy.
Anyway,hope you have all slept well and have a happy Tuesday.x
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,470
Welcome ntr and trikuza
Welcome to you too SilentScout - thanks to Gig for that link - I know you'll find a lot of support down there too...
Just in case you peek back in here...I can't speak for all alcoholics...but I was determined to make a better man of myself when I got into recovery.
If, for whatever reason life with your boyfriend isn't what you want it to be - and it seems to me from your post your bf is showing not signs of wanting to change - I'd encourage you to think deeply about your future.
If you think you deserve better, I'd assert you probably do
D
Welcome to you too SilentScout - thanks to Gig for that link - I know you'll find a lot of support down there too...
Just in case you peek back in here...I can't speak for all alcoholics...but I was determined to make a better man of myself when I got into recovery.
If, for whatever reason life with your boyfriend isn't what you want it to be - and it seems to me from your post your bf is showing not signs of wanting to change - I'd encourage you to think deeply about your future.
If you think you deserve better, I'd assert you probably do
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 1,359
Morning all
Welcome to all the newcomers.
trizuka I think it is difficult to quit in your 20's whilst it seems like everybody else seems to be living it up but there are lots of guys (and gals) on here your age who have quit successfully. I'm glad you are addressing things, doesn't seem like so much fun anymore for you. Hope you can make amends with your family.
Good luck with quitting smoking too wolfram, let us know how you get on with the patches. It's something I need to do, just going to concentrate on the sobriety first! Think the UK has something going on called stoptober, trying to get people to quit for a month (then for good I assume!)
Enjoy your day at work JHE I'm about the same, so I'll stop boring people with the details 
Not much planned here for today. I think some hardcore housework might be on the cards. Whoop! Not.
Catch up later everybody, have a super Tuesday!
Welcome to all the newcomers.
trizuka I think it is difficult to quit in your 20's whilst it seems like everybody else seems to be living it up but there are lots of guys (and gals) on here your age who have quit successfully. I'm glad you are addressing things, doesn't seem like so much fun anymore for you. Hope you can make amends with your family.
Good luck with quitting smoking too wolfram, let us know how you get on with the patches. It's something I need to do, just going to concentrate on the sobriety first! Think the UK has something going on called stoptober, trying to get people to quit for a month (then for good I assume!)
Enjoy your day at work JHE
I'm about the same, so I'll stop boring people with the details Not much planned here for today. I think some hardcore housework might be on the cards. Whoop! Not.
Catch up later everybody, have a super Tuesday!
- about right.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: England
Posts: 405
Morning all, it be a sober one too!
No Whiskey for me last night so I begin day five thankful for lack of hangover and possible morning drinking oblivion. Fresh air did the trick. It's like a raging desire that comes over me to numb my spinning thoughts with the strong stuff.
I had an eye test this morning, some social interaction, ha! I felt a little unkept, my clothes were dirty so I think I've lost a little of my self respect at the moment which concerns me. The hands of the retail assistant were a little shakey and I remembered when I used to be like that at work 'cus of the boozing the night before. I just breathed a little fresh, sober air and took a moment to be grateful I wasn't like that today. I can pick myself up, staying off the booze is a must.
Anyway, a haircut and some clean clothes are in order for my volunteer meeting on thursday! Ha I make myself sound awful!
Woflram, ay' it be good to have ye, jump aboard thee sober ship ay'! ooh argh!
Iamready, yes, I think we get so used to feeling like crap in the morning after drinking, that we can really appreciate that fresh feeling when we haven't drank the night before. I guess that's what it feels like to be normal
Trikuza, Good to have you with us
Justhadenough, parkec, I have found excersice to be a good alternative to 'relax'. Funny, I have been daily but this week I've avoided it. It makes me feel exhausted which is a trigger for me. I'm giving my body rest, thanks for the suggestion of ice cream but I think i'll give it a miss. If I start putting on weight it will lower my self esteem which is already borderline nill lol! I intend to get to the library at some point, I'm going to get back into reading and try this method to relax.
JHE, I'm glas you are enjoying your new job
MTN, Maybe sometimes it's good to have days when we do nothing. Seems boring, but in the past I have found it a good way to switch off and forget the world. As long as there is no booze involved woth that
ok, that's enough from me. Unsuprisingly I'll be around today, reading posts so I can offer support. I have some job applications to write. I'm a great procrastinator, the best there is, probably.
No Whiskey for me last night so I begin day five thankful for lack of hangover and possible morning drinking oblivion. Fresh air did the trick. It's like a raging desire that comes over me to numb my spinning thoughts with the strong stuff.
I had an eye test this morning, some social interaction, ha! I felt a little unkept, my clothes were dirty so I think I've lost a little of my self respect at the moment which concerns me. The hands of the retail assistant were a little shakey and I remembered when I used to be like that at work 'cus of the boozing the night before. I just breathed a little fresh, sober air and took a moment to be grateful I wasn't like that today. I can pick myself up, staying off the booze is a must.
Anyway, a haircut and some clean clothes are in order for my volunteer meeting on thursday! Ha I make myself sound awful!
Woflram, ay' it be good to have ye, jump aboard thee sober ship ay'! ooh argh!
Iamready, yes, I think we get so used to feeling like crap in the morning after drinking, that we can really appreciate that fresh feeling when we haven't drank the night before. I guess that's what it feels like to be normal
Trikuza, Good to have you with us
Justhadenough, parkec, I have found excersice to be a good alternative to 'relax'. Funny, I have been daily but this week I've avoided it. It makes me feel exhausted which is a trigger for me. I'm giving my body rest, thanks for the suggestion of ice cream but I think i'll give it a miss. If I start putting on weight it will lower my self esteem which is already borderline nill lol! I intend to get to the library at some point, I'm going to get back into reading and try this method to relax.
JHE, I'm glas you are enjoying your new job
MTN, Maybe sometimes it's good to have days when we do nothing. Seems boring, but in the past I have found it a good way to switch off and forget the world. As long as there is no booze involved woth that
ok, that's enough from me. Unsuprisingly I'll be around today, reading posts so I can offer support. I have some job applications to write. I'm a great procrastinator, the best there is, probably.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Canada
Posts: 43
Ahhh..day two! Decent sleep but not looking forward to the long work day ahead, but at least no more overwhelming anxiety (I hope!).
Thanks everyone for the words of welcome and encouragement. Wishing you all the best!
Thanks everyone for the words of welcome and encouragement. Wishing you all the best!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 6
Hey everyone- well done jimjim for day 5! Tonight will be third night sober for me and my usual routine is a bottle of red and box of 20. Have been really tired and craving sweets and last night- cheese! Have heard about sweet cravings but what's with the cheese? I've kept up jogging and had a swim. Will be alone in the house tonight so really worried. Need to break this habit before it destroys me. Good luck everyone.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 6
Hi Groove chick yeah last night was my 2nd sober too! Woke twice, bit sweaty (sorry!) but no anxiety in fact quite calm today, still craving cheese?!! Haven't smoked either as thats something I do when I drink! Hope to get through next night or two ok. Take care
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 1,359
How are you doing gigabit? Better I hope! Have you looked into anything like urge surfing or STOP thought to help you with the urges. I'll try and find some links for you in a bit.
Today has been as lazy as I anticipated, have done a few bits in the house. DD's not 100% either so she's been happy to flop on the sofa with a movie.
Congrats on day 5 JimJim and days 2 and 3 Groovechick and octoberite
It's just gotten horribly dark here after a lovely sunny morning. My fault, I put my washing out, should have known really...
Today has been as lazy as I anticipated, have done a few bits in the house. DD's not 100% either so she's been happy to flop on the sofa with a movie.
Congrats on day 5 JimJim and days 2 and 3 Groovechick and octoberite
It's just gotten horribly dark here after a lovely sunny morning. My fault, I put my washing out, should have known really...
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: California
Posts: 18
It helps when I post daily. Even if it's only to reconfirm that I won't pick up a drink today. I've had a couple slips in the last few weeks. Last night was one of them. It's demoralizing. But I can do this for today. I'm glad to be here.
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