Jeni26

Payton- You are very wise to address this. Depression is treatable and you will feel better once you're proactive in seeking help. I've suffered from anxiety and depression for years, and am on medication. For years when I drank 'to cope', all I was doing was completely counteracting the effectiveness of the meds. Plus pouring a depressive poison down my throat at the same time! And I wondered why I ended up in a suicidal way!
Now my head is clearing, I can see things a bit more realistically.
Do go and seek help. I am thinking of you xxx

flickedhisbic

lol my name is from The Southern Vampire Mysteries (the True Blood books) in book 4 there's this super cheesy sex scene where one of the lines is "That obviously flicked his bic" it made me die laughing and it's been my username all over the internet for years.

Thanks Harpo I'll think about that. Sorry I'm really tired right now.

Dee74

That's where the rubber meets the road yeah...peeling back the layers of the onion can be a pretty individual thing.

But a little sobertime behind you can really provide you with the best possible conditions to start - I promise

D

GingerBeer

Hilarious! I'm imagining the AV as this big huge commanding voice that issues commands...and gets what it wants. A real tyrant. Until we finally wake up and start to question why we keep letting it get its way. And soon it begs, and then it pleads and tries trickery to regain it's power. And the voice gets a little higher pitched, and tinier and more desperate sounding as it is exposed for what it really is. A voice, not a power.

Like the man behind the curtain in OZ, the AV is a fraudulent power that has no way of forcing us to do anything. We have the power over it unless we give it up to it.

MalkavianEmily

Well, day 17. Crumbs, time flies doesn't it? Hayfever's getting to me this morning. Should probably get some anti-histamines, but they can wait till I have to go to the post office.
Waiting for them to come and get mum up. I know that sounds lazy, but mum could do with the lie in. Plus it stops us having an argument.
My weights back below 140lb again. Which is good, just another 9lb to go. I'd thought about having pizza today if my weight was going in the right direction. it is, but... to be honest, I'm really not that bothered about pizza today. Besides which, I swear that the amount of stuff he puts on has been getting less and less.
Catherine's back this morning. Or rather, she's back to mumbling how she 'really wanna drink'. Managing to put her off at the moment.
Met a friend a couple of nights ago on the way back from a meeting. 'Oh yes,' he said. 'You know that book you lent me? Well, I've left it in (the pub where he works) you can pick it up any time.'
That won't be any time soon. If I go in, I suspect the first words will be 'Pint of Old Empire?' and 'Yes' will come out before I can think to say 'No.'
Anyway, it's my game evening today. Looking forward to it.
Have a good day everyone, and I hope that we'll manage to do more than just 'hang in there'. That gets tiring after a while. And I think it's time I shut up...

Easyrider

Surprisingly, the first couple of weeks my sleep wasn't too bad. But I've been getting less and less sleep, probably 4 to 5 hours, which is half what I used to get when drinking, even though that's not "proper" sleep. But yesterday had to go to bed at 7pm because I was so tired. Woke up for a couple of hours, expecting to be up all night, then went back to sleep til 8am, sleeping in, nearly late for work! I think exercise and a proper diet might help.

Saskia

Not sure what's going on. Some of your history sounds so much like mine! I seem to have finally gotten past the self-destructive tendencies but that doesn't mean I'm always feeling good! I'm working 2 days per week and it's feeling like too much. I may just finish out this year and then do maybe 1 or 1/2 day per week volunteer work. In any case, I've had some wine the past 2 days and am trying to get back to sobriety again. Always a struggle.

2magnolias

Red flag alert! Flicked, I do a ton of reading about addiction and this is one of those things the experts say to WATCH OUT FOR...that it means you're not in "recovery" because you're replacing one thing addictive thing for another. Time to do some looking for additional resources in your community, AA, RR, therapy, go see a psychiatrist, something different.

That saying about expecting different results while doing the same thing over and over again is true!

Changing our lives and growing is a vital part of continued sobriety. I don't have the answers, but I do know that when I go to my doc she always asks me questions to figure out if I'm "white knuckling" till the next drink, or truly in recovery.

2magnolias

you are me ten years ago. I spent ten years doing that. I think for me it was what you said AND my way of "getting back" at guys because I had been raped at age 17 and wanted that "power" back. stupid. I got HPV for my wonderful behavior. thank god my doc caught it early, i got cryosurgery and it's been GONE for 20 years. i mean hell, it causes cervical cancer.

2magnolias

Favorite Tom Robbins novel? Skinny Legs and All!! Woah that was a LONG time ago. Thanks for the reminder!

2magnolias

I LOVE this image! I've been imagining my AV for the past month as this massive natural/supernatural storm....a rolling, airborn ball of hurricanes, tornadoes, lightning and thunder that flashes between red and black...all guided by a demon in the center with long, sharp claws and teeth...that wants me dead.

I make myself stop and really picture this when I want to drink, or when I drive by "my" (former) bar.

Perhaps I should pull that curtain back and take a good look at who he really is. Unfortunately, when I just "pulled the curtain back" when I wrote that, I saw myself! AARGH!

maybe I'll just stick with the demon hurricane thing for now.

Saskia

Hey 2mag, I largely agree with you; I find that even after so many years, I still "trade" addictions at some level. I've finally accepted that I will probably never be completely rid of that problem. Being raped several times at the age of 4 did a real and permanent number on my brain chemistry and as hard as I've worked on it, it may always have some effects. However, the other side of that is that I spent many years sober and so I don't feel my "life story" is as dismal as it can sound. I've functioned at a very high level (not unusual for trauma survivors) and learned how to make the most of what I have. Multiple serious health problems haven't helped but the human brain/soul/whatever is incredibly resilient. I am a fighter and that has been well worth it.

So I don't see swapping addictions in the same light as you do. I agree it means that it isn't "problem solved" but then we live in the real world (at least I try to). My gastric bypass surgery destabilized the truce I had internally worked out and now I need to find a new equilibrium that works for me. I know that part of that equilibrium will include sobriety and minimizing eating and other compulsive behaviors.

The results will never be perfect but the long struggle has definitely been worth it! That's why I keep on trying and am no longer self-destructive in a significant way (other than alcohol at this point in time!).

I suspect some of you may be put off by seeing me still struggling after years of sobriety -- it's hard to see my situation and probably not wonder if you're in for the same. To you, I can only say that life's a journey, not always pretty and not always easy. But it is ultimately satisfying even though I still have my down spells. I will be forever grateful that I pulled myself out of the bottle many years ago and view this as an unfortunate slip that I will also overcome. Trite as it sounds, time really can be a great healer. I no longer blame the rapist - I strongly suspect he was abused as a child based on things I've heard about him.

Life is so worth it when you almost lose it; I've come uncomfortably close a number of times from a variety of causes. I now don't intend to leave this life earlier than I need to.

So I'm back to Day 1 today!

Wishes for a peaceful day today for all.

Luling

Payton, I'm pleased to hear that you're addressing your depression. It's treatable, and there's no need to suffer. I know about self-medicating -- I bet a lot of us do. Keep us posted, okay?

Gingerbeer -- "fraudulent power" Love it. I'm going to remember that phrase, along with the Wizard of Oz imagery, next time the old AV starts whining.

Emily, I'd leave the book at the pub too. No need to subject yourself to any temptation! Why can't your friend just bring it to you?

Flicked -- I laughed when I read where your user name came from. I had been wondering, thanks!

ThursdayNight

You cursed brat! Look what you've done! I'm melting! melting! Oh, what a world! What a world! Who would have thought a good little girl like you could destroy my beautiful wickedness? Oooooh, look out! I'm going! Oooooh! Ooooooh!

Luling

I had a fabulous run this morning, right up until I was attacked and eaten by zombies. (It's an iPhone app that simulates a zombie apocalypse scenario, and if you don't pick up your pace enough when the zombies start closing in ... well, you can imagine the outcome. It's actually really fun.)

My plan for today is to go to yoga (for real this time), and take the kids swimming this evening. I usually like to have a cold beer after going to the pool, but I'll have a Snapple instead. Have a great day, everyone!

ThursdayNight

Saskia, that was an incredible post.

FrenchPink

Ha, ha! You're a riot, Thursday. Thanks for the first big belly laugh of my morning.

Saskia

Thank you, TN! I'm not always sure of how others will feel about a post and it can be a little scary sometimes to hang it out there.

Payton

Saskia, I find your fighting for wellness to be inspirational.

FrenchPink

Good Tuesday morning, boaters. I hope everyone is doing well on this beautiful day in our SR neighborhood. Got to bed early last night, turned off the alarm, and slept in for a lusciously decadent 9 hours. Man, did I need that rest. Thinking I had been kicking my own butt at work super-hard for these last few months. The stress did a number on my overall well-being. Even though I knew that losing employment was a strong possibility, when the reality was in my face with that final "thank you for your services, blah, blah" letter, it still felt like a sucker punch. And Dweller guessed correctly that it was a budget issue, not performance based, so at least I can grab some nice reference letters. Sigh...

Time is my vista of glorious views
of mountains and oceans in wondrous hues.
Options abound on my newly cleared slate.
Each point of the compass I will contemplate.
Pensive, yet peaceful, this Day 38.

Some terrific posts I'm reading through this morning...

Saskia: Job hunting 9 times? Wow. I'm fairly close to that number, too. Sounds like you and I are pros at this. Thank you for posting your story of personal struggles. It takes much courage to get that out there in the bright light. You are such a special person. Big hugs on your hard won Day 1.

Tanja: Where did you go, buddy? Please throw us a post to let us know how you're doing. We miss you.

Super-Crew: You're getting scarce around us again, big guy, and that's making my elephant tail twitch with worry. Please let us know you're okay.

Thursday: "It's hard to be witty when you're drunk." You got that right. I couldn't even read, much less write or even think when I was plastered.

Luling: I agree with the rest of our gang on this. When - and if - it's right for you to talk to hubby about your AA meetings, you'll feel it. No rush, no pressure. Just keep doing what you're doing because it's keeping you on the sober path.

Payton: So happy you're seeking help for your depression. How inspiring that your husband is, too. Always easier to tackle issues as a team.

Dweller: How's your business trip to SLC so far, poem mate? Glad to see you were able to sneak in a humorous post for us.

2Mags: Thank you for all of your incredible support for our class. It's great how you're able to align your own experiences with those of others to ensure the feeling of togetherness.

Harpo: Devouring each of your charismatic posts is like trying to eat only one potato chip, buddy; You leave me wanting the whole dang bag. Excellent info for us, especially about cross-addictions. Speaking of, I've been leaving my smoke-free date unchanged, but today is back to square one. Poop.

Emily: Day 17 for you! That's terrific. You're doing so much better than just "hanging in there" as you say. You're throwing open the doors to sobriety, marching in with strong purpose, and taking full charge.

Off to get my day in gear. I'll be around later on. Have a super Tuesday, Class of May. Hugs to all.