Class of May 2012 pt 5
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,424
30 days here. I'm happy and grateful and proud but now worrying I'm over the experiment phase like I've heard so many go through. When I started I didn't know how long I would be able to go if any time at all. Each felt great but not long enough and it has become a competition with my self to go longer and longer, but now I'm kind of having a 30 day let down. I'm actually really sensitive and irritated at work today and all I want to do is go home and curl up on the couch. 
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Oregon
Posts: 328
FP. I left my laptop at work last night and my kids dominated my desktop. I'm a tall guy with big hands -- bad combo for accessing a forum on my relatively dumb phone.
Day three with my guard up.
Love you all :-)
Day three with my guard up.
Love you all :-)
Sober Mammoth!
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,086
Congratulations on your milestone 30 days, OneLess! What a great personal accomplishment. And yes, the 30-days blues... I know it well. Lots of changes going on in our bodies while we detox. There are a few links floating around on our thread that deal with PAWS (post acute withdrawal syndrome) that you may want to check out. Here's one:
Post-Acute Withdrawal Symptoms - Relapse Prevention Strategies
I found many items on that list that applied to me. Keep holding on to us tightly for support, sobermate. We can do this.
Post-Acute Withdrawal Symptoms - Relapse Prevention Strategies
I found many items on that list that applied to me. Keep holding on to us tightly for support, sobermate. We can do this.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 513
FP, your poem today was really lovely. Thank you for sharing that. And of course it wasn't a performance issue! You are brilliant and nice. I bet they were frustrated that they had to let you go.
OLL, congrats on 30 days!!! That is huge! If you feel like curling up on the couch today then do that as soon as you get home. I'm so happy for you! And I understand the letdown. I felt like my experiment could be over an low and behold I got bombed. Stay strong.
Tanja, come back!!! You have been so supportive to me and everyone else...tell us how you are doing.
Emily, sorry to hear that the beast is bugging you. Do you call your AV Catherine?
AFM - husband woke up in a bad mood today and is being a total jerk. He is mad about a work situation which he has every right to be mad about, but he takes that out one by being a nonstop ***** complaining about me which of course really makes me resentful, so I am just not going to talk to him much today. I'll get on with my day and try to have a nice one.
Oh, and I took a big step (for me anyway) last night. A friend emailed me asking for some info and I wrote back asking her how she's doing. She wrote back and said I seem swamped and she hopes I'm taking time for myself. Instead of putting on a happy face I actually confessed that I am very depressed, aside from the time I spend with my amazing child, and looking for help. This is big for me as I normally never confide if I'm feeling bad. She wrote back an amazingly compassionate email that was so kind and helpful. So that was a rewarding experience.
OLL, congrats on 30 days!!! That is huge! If you feel like curling up on the couch today then do that as soon as you get home. I'm so happy for you! And I understand the letdown. I felt like my experiment could be over an low and behold I got bombed. Stay strong.
Tanja, come back!!! You have been so supportive to me and everyone else...tell us how you are doing.
Emily, sorry to hear that the beast is bugging you. Do you call your AV Catherine?
AFM - husband woke up in a bad mood today and is being a total jerk. He is mad about a work situation which he has every right to be mad about, but he takes that out one by being a nonstop ***** complaining about me which of course really makes me resentful, so I am just not going to talk to him much today. I'll get on with my day and try to have a nice one.
Oh, and I took a big step (for me anyway) last night. A friend emailed me asking for some info and I wrote back asking her how she's doing. She wrote back and said I seem swamped and she hopes I'm taking time for myself. Instead of putting on a happy face I actually confessed that I am very depressed, aside from the time I spend with my amazing child, and looking for help. This is big for me as I normally never confide if I'm feeling bad. She wrote back an amazingly compassionate email that was so kind and helpful. So that was a rewarding experience.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 2,308
Originally Posted by flickedhisbic 
But I'm not that happy party girl whose only goal is to get attention at a bar. I get that, I go home with someone and I walk out of their place feeling downright empty and horrible and start it back up again the next night.
I've tried hard to explain this feeling to people in my meetings but no one seems to get it. How empty and lonely it is. I get a guy to love me for a couple hours while we're both drunk and then I leave before he wakes up. There's no boyfriend/husband to disappoint. No one knows me unless I'm drunk. When I'm sober there's only a giant gaping hole of regret, shame, feeling like a f****** wh***. And that's on a good night.
I don't like who I am without all this stuff and I don't know how to be anything else. All I want to do is hide this person and destroy her because she is so horrible. So yeah even when I'm not out being the fun let everyone else forget their problems I drink alone.
I've tried hard to explain this feeling to people in my meetings but no one seems to get it. How empty and lonely it is. I get a guy to love me for a couple hours while we're both drunk and then I leave before he wakes up. There's no boyfriend/husband to disappoint. No one knows me unless I'm drunk. When I'm sober there's only a giant gaping hole of regret, shame, feeling like a f****** wh***. And that's on a good night.
I don't like who I am without all this stuff and I don't know how to be anything else. All I want to do is hide this person and destroy her because she is so horrible. So yeah even when I'm not out being the fun let everyone else forget their problems I drink alone.
Hugs to you flicked. I've been there too, might still be climbing out of it. The key is that YOU (or we) are responsible for filling that hole, with the aid of our higher power, whatever that is. Stop abusing your body with booze or other destructive things and give yourself the love that the drugs or the men never will. You have to be there for yourself. Your divine power is there but if you ignore it you'll be looking for fullfillment in dead ends. And forgive yourself your past mistakes. The past is done. Everything that happens is from now on.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: springfield, va
Posts: 1,385
Payton and FP - Thank you for the concern! That means a lot to me. I havent' been feeling well the last few days. I hope I am not coming down with something. I am not about to leave May's class. I am inspired by the courageness of all my esteemed classmates. Onelesslonley - Congratulations on 30 days! Going to attend another AA meeting tonight. My sponsor is going to set up a meeting with a gentlemn that has relapsed many times before achieving sobriety. Apparently, she is not familiar with relapses. Wishing everyone a great sober day
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,002
Originally Posted by OneLessLonely
Thank you FP. Do you guys know if the paws applies to bth daily drinkers and like weekly bingers?
I wish you well on your milestone today. Stay strong and stay close. It is like a birthday party in a boat during a bad storm. Stay close to safety and call for help if you need it, until then enjoy the ride!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 114
I'm better today. Exhausted but feeling a little calmer. It's funny I didn't drink last night but with all the crying and being upset I woke up feeling hungover. It's an emotional breakdown hangover.
Saskia thanks for that because that really sounds a lot like what I do. Just looking for something new to keep myself balanced.
Saskia thanks for that because that really sounds a lot like what I do. Just looking for something new to keep myself balanced.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 513
Well wtf. I called her number and there wasn't even a message, it was like an automated thing saying "you have reached phone #...leave a message at the tone" and then I didn't even hear the tone so I just hung up. Her office is at a church which is weird to me. I liked that she had a PhD in psych and was accepted with my insurance, but the church office and no message thing is weirding me out, and now I'll have to call back again and that is awkward. 
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,671
maybe like me she hates leaving a personal welcome message on those things Payton?
and maybe the church is available office space? maybe it's been decommissioned/desanctified or whatever?
Congrats on 30 days OLL - not everyone gets PAWs but I don't think it discriminates between bingers and daily drinkers with those who do?
great post saskia - ty
Emily - I saw somewhere else today that you were battling thoughts maybe you need to fall off the wagon...
you don't. None of us gets on the wagon for no reason in the first place
D
and maybe the church is available office space? maybe it's been decommissioned/desanctified or whatever?
Congrats on 30 days OLL - not everyone gets PAWs but I don't think it discriminates between bingers and daily drinkers with those who do?
great post saskia - ty
Emily - I saw somewhere else today that you were battling thoughts maybe you need to fall off the wagon...
you don't. None of us gets on the wagon for no reason in the first place
D
Last edited by Dee74; 06-19-2012 at 02:42 PM.
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