goodcheer

Thanks, Honeypie!! Your post gave me a good laugh, but it is so true. I am so much more productive and more present now that i am sober. Thank you!

Good morning everyone...day 26 here. Fridays are always hard for me, so i will stay in touch here.

peace and strength to all.

goodcheer

Good morning, Octobers.

Here's what's going on, down in my bones. Next thursday my mother is coming to visit for the weekend. I really can't avoid it this year, as she hasn't been here for nearly a year now and my kids are missing her....she lives down south and i am in NY. I am so so stressed over this visit. My mother is an orderly neat person, a home like martha stewart. I am a horrendous housekeeper. Hoping to improve on this front with sobriety. Let's face it, i have not been at my best in recent years. My house looks like it has been ransacked, stuff everywhere, i just can't seem to keep it in order. To be fair, i am a working mom with a demanding job and two young gals (as well as recovering alcoholic) and there's not much time in the day.

The main thing is that i see my mother as a challenge to my sobriety. She is a fault finder. She has her nice moments, but most of the time she is digging in to find the flaws in my life, and she always has a lot to find. We have a custom of drinking wine together. I definitely do not want to discuss my alcoholism with her as she will most definitely start telling me, well it's about time you admitted this....i have been worrying about your drinking for a long time....how could you take care of your girls drinking as heavily as you do...blah blah blah. Last time she visited, she actually went over to the local library, assuming that i have library fines. She went in and asked the librarian for a list of my overdue books and fines!!! And the librarian gave them to her!! She brought the list home and lectured me about it. So i really mean it when i say she is looking for flaws. She doesn't see any of my strengths. So she would not see my sobriety as a strength, but sign of a weakness.

I need to spend this whole weekend cleaning my house. Needs to be done anyway, and there's no way i can clean it all. But i need to make serious improvements to avoid the criticism. I am just going to say i am taking a break from drinking, as i feel healthier lately with out it. no further explanation. She drinks wine regularly, and one hard thing for me is whether or not i should have her wine on hand. Don't know if i can handle having her drink in front of me, with the stress she brings and then my own cravings...might be too much for me to avoid chugging the bottle. i want to stay sober.

Thanks for reading. peace and strength to all.

Deserto

Fell down. Feel very ashamed.

goodcheer

So sorry, dear Deserto. We are here for you. Keep posting and let us know how you are doing.

sadsoul2011

Deserto - You didn't fall down; you just slipped a little You're back here and that is what is most important! A little slip doesn't take away from all the good progress you've made and the successes you've had.

Hang tough today - hope you feel better! We're here if you want to "talk" and we're pulling for you! Keep close to SR

sadsoul2011

Goodcheer - Hugs! Hugs! and more Hugs! I so feel for you....I really want to post more on this, but I have to get back to work in a few minutes (or I'm going to be in hot water ). Did want you to know that I'm thinking about you and I'll post more.

One quick note: Make sure not to let this get you tangled in knots NOW.

I know it is hard not to, but it is a week away. Don't let her drive you crazy and control you before she even gets there. << This advice comes from someone who has had -and still does- her share of relative issues and very stressful visits. >>

Try to stay calm now and just focus on getting some basic cleaning done in addition to your normal schedule now. Is it at all in your budget that you could have a cleaning service this week? That would leave you free to straighten up the house etc.. until a day or two before - then they could come in and make it sparkle. I know it can be a bit pricey but I did it once to keep from having a "breakdown" before my relatives came to visit. I was able to keep my "breakdown" at just panic attack level.

p.s. don't under-estimate the value of just grabbing few empty boxes, stuffing them full of stuff and jamming them in the attic just to clear some clutter. LOL - I'm not kidding works well!


gotta run - excuse typos - more later .....

tanja

Goodcheer, Strongly advise not to have wine in the house. I like the idea of telling your mother you are taking a break and would appreciate if she didn't drink while at your home. I would be very vigilent this week-end. I know for me, a fault-finder would be huge trigger. I find enough fault on my own. Keep up the good work - you are doing so well, almost 30 days - a milestone

Deserto

All i want to do is

It's clear to me that I'm missing something.... I really don't want to drink, and all the romance of that is gone... I feel like I've been doing most things right so I'm a bit confounded by this slip up.

I have some thoughts on this that I will share later, but it seems to me that what I'm really facing is the need to take this commitment to sobriety to the next level. Have faced a few challenges in the last few days, and have many more immediately before me.... clearly I need to figure out and develop the skills to make my way through the next level of challenges.

Trying with all my might to avoid a pity party here, and to figure out what I need to be stronger. I know without doubt that I don't want to go back to drinking, I am done with that... but I need to develop some more skills so it doesn't drag me back there against my will.

But the god-darned sun is up; I need to sleep for a bit before I confront this next day.

I hate you, alcohol, I really do.

tanja

Deserto, I know the feeling. I think we all do. You had a slip, we all have. I had a slip after almost 26 days. For me, it didn't taste good, it didn't make me feel good and it was an absolutley miserable experience. That memory really put a dent in my addictive voice. But, knowing alcoholism as I do - I suspect the AV will rear it's ugly head again. You have been an inspiration to me, so positive, so very bright and charming. If it helps, can you not start counting again - just deduct the one day from your sober days. It can be very discouraging to start counting again and you have made progress and let's face it - helped me

goodcheer

hi Deserto...hang in there. this stumble may be part of your process, learning to choose sobriety for good. as you said, the romance is gone, you don't get the pleasure out of drinking that you used to. i agree...and i feel the same...after around a month, after the initial sobering up, it's hard to know how to face a sober life out into the future. it's hard to know how to take it to the next level. that's what we are all here for, to figure this out together.

hoping you get some good rest today.

goodcheer

thanks sadsoul....you are so wonderful. your advice is very helpful. i need to avoid letting her control me now, and avoid getting tangled in knots over this. one step at a time, i will clean up my act to the best of my ability.

thanks tanja...you are absolutely right. no wine in the house. i cannot manage that, especially with the added stress of the visit.

LittleSparrow

Deserto, it's great that you came back here. You may have had a slip, but it's clear that you're not giving up. You can take it as a learning experience. You've been making progress, so keep up what you've been doing and see if you can add some more tools for dealing with the challenges. Something tripped you up. Was it the challenges themselves, or was it the amount of challenges as a whole? Maybe if it's the latter, you can just take each one as it comes instead of worrying about the whole unmanageable chunk. Like Tanja said, you've helped me too. You can do this!

Goodcheer, remember how hard the first days of not drinking were? You took each day and got through it. It might not have been fun or easy, but in the end each day was a success and then you moved on to conquer the next day. Maybe you can take your mother's visit the same way---just get through each day, consider it a success that you made it through, and know that it'll all be over after a few days. It's good that you're recognizing her visit as a challenge to your sobriety. She's like your alcoholic voice in human form! If she's getting on your nerves, see if you can go somewhere else in the house (bathroom break?) to take a few deep breaths and let a few of the minutes you have to spend with her tick by. I don't know if you'll be able to stick close to SR while she's visiting, but keep us in mind and know that we're all behind you. And I've often found that people who constantly find faults with others are just too afraid to look at their own faults. Like Tanja said, I wouldn't have wine for her in the house. If she wants it, she can get it herself. She found her way to the library, so she can find her own way to get whatever else she wants. I also think Sadsoul had some great advice. Formulate your plan now, but don't let it get you down before she arrives. Crank up some music and do some cleaning because you and your girls deserve to live in a clean home, not just because your mother will be chiding you. Good luck!!

tanja

Goodcheer, I like the statment "I will clean my huse to the best of my ability". Maybe, your children and husband could help. I like little sparrow's advice. It sounds like two trigger situations 1) a clean house 2) a fault finder. I'm sure your plans include AA. I'm pretty sure you will discuss this. Find ways to ease the stress, get out of the house, buy yourself a treat for the great strides you have made.

goodcheer

littlesparrow...thanks so much for your insightful post. what an amazing realization...she is like my alcoholic voice in human form!! a voice that undermines me. don't get me wrong, i am glad for my mother and that she's healthy and active, but she has never been one to support or recognize my strength and growth. strange to say, she's a very competitive person and always has to come out on top, even when it comes to her own daughter!! i plan to find a stronger voice for myself...getting sober is just the first step.

thanks everyone. hang in there Deserto...you are an awesome person...we need you here!!

tanja

Tobersobers,

I would like to recommend an exercise that might be benefical. Make a list of 50 things you love (people, activities, a meal, friends, etc.) This can serve two purposes - 1) the things to remain sober for; 2) the use of these can help in trigger situations.

Hope this helps!

goodcheer

thanks again, tanja. great advice. these are trigger situations for sure and i will take this seriously. staying sober has to be the #1 priority for me. it is really hard for me...i so want to dive into a wine bottle. but i keep thinking there is more for us out there...a freedom that we all deserve, however long it takes us to get there.

peace and strength.

Geralt

Checking back in, 3 weeks today. Reading this thread keeps me strong, thank you all for posting!

I am sorry for those who had a slip, don't give up! Perhaps you should try Antabuse, it's a medicine that makes you very sick when you drink alcohol. I take it twice a week and it works for 7-10 days. Even if I have the desire to drink, I know I can't as I will get very sick. There is also Campral, a medicine to prevent cravings, but I can't take it as it gives me stomach pain. You can discuss both with your doctor.

Too bad my parents will pick up Zuzia, their dog, next Wednesday. It's great to have a pet to take care of. I lost 10 pounds the last 3 weeks, walking daily with her for a few hours. All the lost pounds have been gained by Zuzia, who went from 14 pounds to 24 pounds in 4 weeks She doesn't look like the puppy on my profile pic anymore Well, I will have to pick up cycling again.

honeypie

Goodcheer: our mothers must be long lost twins. I actually tell people my mom is just like Martha Stewart and I am the opposite! My whole life has been a struggle for me to feel okay with not being who she always wanted me to be. I was messy and a tomboy and wore flip flops. She wanted preppy, Lily Pulitzer daughter with pretty nails. Not me! My sister was more like my mom. Anyway she is coming for Thanksgiving and I have been wondering how am I going to NOT drink wine with her? It's what we do. It is just simply what we ALWAYS DO! Sigh. I will need to post here every hour I guess!!

Anyway, everyone's advice is so great. Clean up the best you can, tell her you're not drinking (she might be secretly jealous actually) and stay cheerful! Whatever happens try to stay balanced and strong. Your peace and strength.

Deserto, buddy and pal, you are not the only one who has slipped in the October group, and I daresay others have too (ahem, yes, I did back in October, I just never mentioned it because I was embarrassed, duh, doy, knucklehead me) ---I feel like the AA saying that "it takes what it takes' is true.

You are here! We are here for you!! We are all here because we have issues with drinking so it is the right place to be! We can do this.

Geralt - great to hear from you, congrats on losing weight but poor Zuzia will have to go on a doggie diet!! (I could not find an emoticon for that one...)

Have a great day everyone. And hey, ALASKA - we love you!! :ghug3

honeypie

My thoughts exactly. Exactly! Thanks Goodcheer.

goodcheer

Alaska....we haven't heard from you since last night...getting worried. i know you are having a hard time. hang in there. let us know how you are doing. you have lots of friends and support here.