Chimp

Paddy, I was thinking of you all weekend. I am glad you are back on here. Instant, that is a terrible incident but one which, as regards the blackout, we all recognise.

Paddy, get back to a meeting and ask for help!

I want to know how it went later this evening.

Chimp!

Paddyb

Hi Chimp

Sounds silly, but how can i ask for help? i am the 1 who has to be strong and not drink,

Paddyb

Well gang, i got me self back in the rooms of AA, and just listened and took in 1 and 2 things i could relate to me, i will hit a meeting every day this week, its all about picking up that first drink that does the damage and leads to the day of drinking, some 1 said in the room tonight, if you get hit by a train, its not the 2nd train carriage or 10th carriage that does the damage, but yes the first 1 always hits first, bit like that first drink. The way i see it, an alcoholic is we cant stop at 2 or 3, we have to go balls out and drink till we black out. just hit the 24 hour mark of no beer, still a little here and there and stress levels up, but that will pass in good time. Hows every 1s day been?

Paddyb

Dee74

I'm glad you did ask for help Paddy. Asking for help saved my life.
My pride and fear stopped me from reaching out for years - that nearly killed me.

I've come to think asking for help is the greatest strength of all.

D

Paddyb

Hi Dee, thats why i asked Chimp, AA and help, maybe its me not getting the help thing right, there not doctors, but if you mean just going and learning is help??

Dee74

Anything positive you do to help your recovery instead of drinking is help I reckon Paddy

Sometimes I need that outside perspective of others because I can't see the wood for the trees myself, y'know?

D

Paddyb

thats a roger on that, it was the hiding of beer in the work toilets that got me, and there was me thinking i was the only 1 who ever did it because i felt safe knowing it was there and i could pop down and crack a tinny. Well that has stopped and will try to turn my life around for the better.

Tippingpoint

I can remember when you first joined up here and you'd re-visit the threads every couple of days to tell us that you'd "picked up" again. I can remember being personally offended by your lack of progress and thinking that the group would be better off without your poor example.

I've changed my opinion on you Paddy. I now feel that I was wrong about you. We aren't all the same - some struggle more than others. Some people have to try a hundred times before they find the answer...some people never find the answer and some of those people end up dead.

You still frustrate the hell out of me - I'll tell you that - but I'm also rooting for you more than for anyone else. I really want to see you do this thing...I really want to see you get a handle on this.

I've come to respect your tenacity and your honesty. You've won me over.

Maybe this will be your time.

Paddyb

Hi TP
I could tell fibs and say hey i am sober, i think i am crying out, thats why i am honest.i had a Brain haemorrhage (bleeding) in 2009 and then turned to drinking hard to over come the worry of just dropping drop dead at any time, i had a re op in june 2011 and had another re coiling to the brain.i have no side effects from the bleed and can say sorry for failing, but my friend thank you for being honest and open with the feelings you have. I can only keep trying!!!!

instant

Hey Paddy saved from the bleed only to drink yourself to death, would not be a good epitaph.

I have to remind myself that once I am over acute withdrawal it is easier not to pick up than it is to stop once I have started.

TP I have broken so many promises to myself on my journey to here. My lack of ability to regulate myself for the sake of my sanity and everything else, finally humbled me enough to say I was beaten- it was only then that I could get the foothold in sobriety that I now enjoy.

I am so grateful that something made a difference, just not quite sure what it was.

Tippingpoint

Yes. Even though this has been my first "real" attempt to quit and it has gone well for me, I spent the last 10 years knowing that I had a problem and that it was getting bigger and more unmanageable. I guess I just hadn't hit my bottom yet. If I had tried to quit back then I would have been a huge failure.

instant

TP I should have added that over the last few years my alcohol use had eroded my capacity to set and achieve many goals, not just those in relation to moderating my use. I had a sense of impending doom that I was approaching the brink of an acceleration in problems and complications. Given that alcohol was my main 'go to' coping mechanism even I knew this spelt trouble.

I had gone from being in a situation where I had been proud of a lot of my achievements over the years, to a place where getting through the day without my bluff being blown was a win. At some level I kidded myself I was "high functioning".

Given that alcohol is an addictive substance- I now see the whole thing can become a trap that can be very difficult to extradite oneself from. The saying about "the man takes a drink and then the drink takes the man" is actually very frightening when you have an awareness it is happening to you.

Tuesday24

Hi Everyone. Wow, there have been some insightful posts here the past few days.

Paddy, I hope you are doing okay. I whole heartily agree that we are all different and some appear to have an easier time while others struggle more. I think that a lot of things in life are like this, not only addiction. However, the severe life and death consequences that can result from this addiction make it essential for me to address in my life. We all have different paths to follow- I hope you are doing okay friend.

Instant- I cringed when I read about what that man did in black out. That could have been me a hundred times over. I know now that I cannot take back the things that I did while under the influence, but I can take control and change my future. I am grateful to
be sober.

TP- Great photos as always

I hope everyone is doing well. I am missing a lot of the group that has not been posting. I know the nature of alcoholism but I hope and pray that our fellow Juners are living a happy sober life

Tuesday24

I was looking back on my first post here at SR. I remember how I was feeling when I came here that day. One of the members here posted something that I wanted to share. I am not good with quoting people but I copied and pasted.


An old man was walking along a road late at night... and out of the darkness a dying snake called out to him.. "help me I am dying, please pick me up and look after me and help me get well" "No" said the old man, "you are a poisoness snake and if I pick you up you will bite me and kill me". "I won't said the snake, I promise". So the old man picked up the snake and put him in his pocket. After a while the snake started to feel better and he bit the old man. The old man threw him to the ground and said "But you promised you would not bite me". The snake said "You knew what I was before you picked me up".

This really spoke to me. I read it quite a bit. Just wanted to share.

Tippingpoint

The snake is booze...right?

JK!

Love it! Great story!

Tuesday24

That booze is quite a snake lol

instant

The snake was a snake as well, very predictable. I guess so was the man.

Tippingpoint

Feeling good!

148 of the last 149 days sober!

It really is getting easier and easier for me. Thoughts of alcohol come less often and don't carry the weight they once did. I have the upper hand over any AV activity as long as I am strong and sure of myself. My addictive voice is really starting to take me seriously.

The weather here in Toronto has been super - what a brilliant fall this has been. I think the weather is supposed to turn late this week with a chance of snow this weekend. I don't mind winter (my wife hates it) although it does put a damper on picture taking opportunities. I have to get out and take more pictures - have been getting lazy.

I've been out running a couple of times this week - I hadn't run at all since the marathon. It's felt good to be back out there...really is therapeutic for me. I've never been one to run in the winter but I may give it a shot this year. May go out and look for some winter running gear this week.

This thread has really quieted lately. I hope that everyone is doing well.

Get out there and take on the day guys!!!

Paddyb

Ok GANG, thanks for sticking with me.

i was going to stop on 11/11/11 (numbers) and this morning after reading you posts back, it is 9/11/11 and off to AA and going to ask for help this time and work the program, not to feel better after 3 or 5 days only slip back, you see i am learning slowly and the days getting over a weekend are taking longer, so going to give it my best shot and try my hardest and get numbers and talk to people when i feel the AV TAKING OVER. I have learnt now to ask for help and not lock me self away, away from the out side. Learning to change my routine. i did taper off from the weekend and kept it 4 beers Monday and the same tuesday. i feel better today, better frame of mind, coming up to 24 hours again since i last drunk, has the last drink was 9pm Tuesday night. i want this so much but i know i have to put the work in.

Thank you

Paddyb

instant

Paddy. Having struggled for so long personally, I am here to tell you that not drinking is far easier than drinking, but there is a hump to get over. Keep stringing days together. I got very good at day 1's (although in truth the hangovers were getting worse!!)