Tippingpoint

Good lighting does that. Figuring out light is the single biggest learning curve I've had to tackle in this hobby, but I'm getting better at it. Good light from multiple angles adds shape and form and creates depth and can add drama as well - I think this picture has a bit of all those things. Really glad that you like it Instant!

lilotto

Dee maybe you can send me a PM and explain to e how this class thing works. I don't get what this part #10 thing means. All I see is a bunch of posts with no particular subject. Nothing wrong with that. I guess maybe I am just so use to meetings where we read from the daily reflections, or do a step or tradition based on the month (ie September 9th month) 9th step etc. Of course we do leave it open for sharing whatever is on their mind or any burning desires.

My hats off to all of you struggling with the disease of addiction remember all we have is today. Yesterday is gone and tomorrow will take care of its self.

bratnik

Great photo TP! I'm *this close* to feeling that initial splash of the water! That's pretty vivid to capture that feeling!

Paddy, of course you aren't weak. You are struggling with a very powerful force. Just keep coming back - don't let it take over. You are putting up a great fight. We are all behind you and fighting alongside. We all know the panic, anxiety and stress lessen once that stuff gets out of our system and mind. It's just staying away long enough to let it happen. I know.

OOOOH Classical, triple digits await! WOW! Glad to hear you may take some time for yourself and really focus on this. Sounds serene. I'm going to put the 9th on my iPod today for when I go to the gym.

Pumpkin min- I can't give you much on that one besides the fact that it is a pretty common one - like standing naked in a room full of people, or showing up for an exam we never studied for. Can't give you much insight on that one - I think it's pretty normal though!!!

Instant - It's cool to hear your enjoyment in learning and I hope you continue to share with us. Your statement on compassion vs. pity provoked some strong thought on my part. Interesting.

No news on the job front. It's tough out there, I know we all know that. Looking into some volunteering opportunities to supplement my job search and exercising just to stay busy.

I've put on 3 pounds in the past week from quitting smoking, I assume. Oh well. I'm not eating junk or overeating. I'm not drinking. I'm not smoking. I'm exercising and have these nasty nicorettes that make me feel funny but not want to smoke. So be it.

Have a great day everyone. Big hugs.

StreamWader

Hey Juners

Rough week end for me. I'm weak and I'm tired and I'm tired of being so weak. Can't seem to make it past that three or four week stage. Didn't make it in to work yesterday. Not feeling very good mentally or physically right now. Sunday night, in a moment of clarity, I broke down and wept uncontrollably. My wife had ask me to take out the garbage. An hour later she found me sittting in my boat, in the dark garage drinking a bottle of bourbon, crying. Must have bought it earlier that day, because I don't have a clue where it came from.

Cograts to all of you good people fighting the good fight and winning. You're an inspiration and still a source for hope. So, here I go again.

bratnik

Stream - I was looking for you. I have missed my SR big brother.

I know that feeling. I know it well. It happens to me too, (obviously), except I haven't ever been strong enough to hold out as long as you did.

I'm glad you posted here. We love you. Don't give up - please - I'm definitely learning and accepting that this is a process that does not happen overnight for almost any of us. But we are improving and learning each time. We know what we want, we are gaining tools with how to get there. It's f'ing hard and we stumble along the way. I've tripped a few - and even have a broken toe to remind me. (yes, I do have a broken toe right now. But that happened sober, like all of my accidents have. Why is that??? anyway..)

Each slip I have had I have had is less of a release for me and more of a nuisance. For me, it's like, "AV sucker punches me again! - F' you AV - you got me again, but I'm training and getting better - I'm getting better peripheral vision each time.

The first couple of days I feel guilt, and sh*tty, and shame. And then, I remember all the days I have under me, like instant said, where I have been sober. I am still an emotional wreck and not able to handle a lot of stuff that is going on in my life, but I'm learning to cope better without hitting the bottle as a knee jerk reaction. I have still hit it, but I've learned other ways, too. And I couldn't have said that 3 months ago. I couldn't have imagined a day without a drink 3 months ago. (A drink? I mean like 3 bottles of wine)

I know I'm babbling, but - last night I was cooking dinner. I had an epiphany - I could NEVER have imagined cooking without a big glass of wine going 3 months ago. In the past 6 or 7 dinners I have cooked, I never even thought of it!!! That is progress, and slowly making lifestyle changes.

So think of all the things you have done without the booze- which you weren't doing 3 months ago. And how you have made these steps in this time, and how you will continue to make them. And each step gets you further. We're gonna keep climbing this long peak together. You have so much time under your belt. Stay with that and get back on - you have a lot of friends helping you up.

*big hug*

bratnik

Classical -

For you to have the foresight of what the future could present, I am in awe.
THAT is so f'ing amazing. How inspiring.

I will learn from this, thank you.

StreamWader

Thank You Classical and Bratnik.

Your posts have propped me back up a bit. I am still to drained to post much more. Can't stand to think about it. Blooming eck.

Squishyboots

Hello all - I haven't had a chance to read all the posts from the last five pages you posting lovable maniacs! But Stream I did read your post and I'm so sorry you are having a rough time. I think all of us with this crazy person in our head screaming at us drives us close to insanity at times and we break down. Many of us fight with depression and alcohol has fueled that numbness for a long time.

I hope you are better and stronger today. You are too precious of a person to fall to the screams of that AV. Pick yourself and do what makes you happy today. On the days we are at our deepest - reaching out to others is a must. Next time this happens get online and talk to us please. Of course that goes for everyone! I know everyone here has helped me more times than I can count....

I am off to a conference in the mountains the next three days then I'm on a whirl wind tour of family in town and surgery next Friday which is freaking me out but keeps me straight!

I hope everyone is doing well and I will try to catch up soon. Classical, Instant, Pumpkin, Paddy, Tuesday, BBbird, Buelah, Mariano, Bratnik, Stream, Classical, TP, Dee, Bee,Papa, Leo and everyone in our special Juners group - you are all special, have special traits and are brave enought to be here. Sometimes we are needed, sometimes we are the needy.

Love you all!
Squishy

Squishyboots

Classical - I KNOW you can make it through the party. You have been going so strong for so long that the minute you even looked at a drink you would walk away - I'm not worried about you in the least - you are a superstar!!!

Squishyboots

I used to chew nicorette gum! Made me sick to my stomach. Funny thing that curred my smoking? Having my first child. I never smoked again! Very weird....

bratnik

Haha Squishy. THAT'S not gonna happen so the nicorette had better work!!

Squishyboots

HEHE Brat - just remember how gross your hands smell, remember how someone's breath smells that has been smoking and they talk too close to you? Remember how hard it is to exercise and catch your breath? Ok that's all I have for now....I tried all that too the first time I quit I had quit for 5 years!!! Then I met my husband and you all know the story from there...

leo21

Classical, thanks for the reminder to look past my nose.

It says alot to recognize, evaluate, and act. People, Places, and Things my friends.....

instant

Stream. My heart goes out to you. It is a difficult journey and it is easy to focus on the times we fell and got hurt. I have been demoralised so many times with this "battle". It is hard to get up again after trying so hard and then ending up in the same place hurt. Your post does point out that you can get three or four weeks together. Let's not forget that, because we all know that is not easy. In my book anyone who can string three of four weeks together has achieved big time. As Anna has pointed out we are learning all the time in our periods of sobriety. Sometimes it is more useful to conceptualise what we are doing as learning to live (sober) rather than 'giving up 'alcohol'. Is it harder than learning how to sail? Both are complex, take time and we are not perfect as we learn from our mistakes.

A few years ago I started having bouts of crying when intoxicated. At the time I knew it was a worrying sign although in the early stages I did feel some release when it happened. I have learned over the last 120 days that alcohol had more of a grip on my emotions than I feared. Even when not intoxicated my emotional responses progressively lacked nuance and were becoming more coarse in nature. I now see what was happening to me as the start of the emotional hollowing out of chronic substance abuse/dependance. I learned that the positive aspects of alcohol needed to be balanced against the emerging devastation and I was finally accepting that what was happening to me was progressive.

There is a way through this. Hang in there, and go easy on yourself.

Tuesday24

Hang in there Stream

StreamWader

Hey Friends,

Thanks for all your encouraging words. Your support has gone a long way in putting the sad events of the weekend behind me. The lessons of the weekend I am still holding onto dearly. My wife and I have had some discussions about what went wrong, situations I need to be leery of and that I may need more first person support. I am looking into attending a meeting. I would like to find someplace where I could sit in the shadows and observe before jumping into the fray, so to speak. I am not overly excited about going but am coming to the conclusion that I can't do this on my own. And I have to do this.

Tippingpoint

Hey Stream,

Glad to hear that you're feeling a little better. I really appreciate and respect your honesty and yur courage throughout all of this...I really do. You are such a great person...it shines through in your posts...that's what makes it sad to see you in the grips of addiction.

I think you are right to be looking for more support. Don't be dejected if AA doesn't turn out to be the option that will work for you as there are other options. I went to a meeting and found that it wasn't the right fit for me but you might have a different experience. Maybe an addictions counsellor?

Anyway...really glad to see you back here working your way through it. I am a fan and I am rooting for you.

Dee74

wade

manys the time I 'came to', sobbing like a baby, holding a bottle and having no idea how it got there.

It's not an experience I remember with any fondness at all - and my heart goes out to you.

I'm really glad you're back tho - and I'm really glad you're looking at getting a few new lures to land that sobriety fish for good

You can do this, my friend - absolutely

D

instant

My bad days aren't nearly as bad as they used to be.

Bee2011

I agree. And though many of us have slipped, we are all doing far better than we were 4 months ago. And we're all still pushing forward.

Some of the recent posts are helping me to begin to look deeper into my behaviors and reactions. I think I have to start exploring some concepts of codependency and enabling - the role I play in those parts and how to correct it. It's much easier for me to abstain when I'm in my safe little bubble. Now how to do so successfully while participating in the world around me.

Thank you all for your sharing and support. Wishing everyone a good day