Codependency and Beyond Part 3
mergirl
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Paradise
Posts: 4,161
I feel like a basket case reading this thread! I'm happy about it though, because obviously it is poking me in all the places I need to have a look at. That last one is like. . .the most amazing concept. . .
I mean, I THOUGHT I already knew this stuff, but it hits me like a ton of bricks. 6 months from now, a year from now, 2 years from now things will be different, and what I am going through today will make sense. Whew~that takes a load off=)
I mean, I THOUGHT I already knew this stuff, but it hits me like a ton of bricks. 6 months from now, a year from now, 2 years from now things will be different, and what I am going through today will make sense. Whew~that takes a load off=)
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: BC Canada
Posts: 1,221
What if...we knew that even our worst fear would work out for the best?
What if...we knew everything was okay, and we didn't have to worry about a thing? What would we do then?
We'd be free to let go and enjoy life...:ghug2
I really love this part of the reading, I want to be free to let go and enjoy life!!!! I want to believe that everything is okay. A part of me knows that everything is going to be okay....
((Amy)) I too, have to remember to turn things over to my higher power sooner,and save myself alot of grief....
((Lisa)) so glad your feeling hopeful...
What if...we knew everything was okay, and we didn't have to worry about a thing? What would we do then?
We'd be free to let go and enjoy life...:ghug2
I really love this part of the reading, I want to be free to let go and enjoy life!!!! I want to believe that everything is okay. A part of me knows that everything is going to be okay....
((Amy)) I too, have to remember to turn things over to my higher power sooner,and save myself alot of grief....
((Lisa)) so glad your feeling hopeful...
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
I will have to admit that I am a champion worrier. My struggle is that I have not yet attained an ability to look back at past problems and see how they have worked out for my best interest.....How on earth do you get to that place?
Leading a worry-free life is something worth its weight in gold.....
Today I will continue my efforts to let go and let G*d so that I can be free to enjoy life!
Hugs to all, HG
Leading a worry-free life is something worth its weight in gold.....
Today I will continue my efforts to let go and let G*d so that I can be free to enjoy life!
Hugs to all, HG
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
My mother's constant companion is worry. If there's nothing to worry about, she will find something. I've watched it rob her of so much. She runs on about 4 hours of sleep a night. Her worry has changed nothing in the course of events over the years.
My dad says Mom has earned her place in heaven because she's a martyr, and I want to cry and scream when he says that. There are no medals for being a martyr. How sick and dysfunctional is that? It hurts my heart.
Whenever I start to feel worry creeping in, I sit still and take a few deep breaths. Then I close my eyes, and visualize this big set of loving hands. I take whatever it is that I am worrying about, place it all in those hands, and say "God, I'm turning this over to you."
I used to do that dozens of times a day, over and over again. As time went on, it just became second nature and I wasn't taking it back nearly as often.
It takes work to undo old behaviors, but it's worth it.
My dad says Mom has earned her place in heaven because she's a martyr, and I want to cry and scream when he says that. There are no medals for being a martyr. How sick and dysfunctional is that? It hurts my heart.
Whenever I start to feel worry creeping in, I sit still and take a few deep breaths. Then I close my eyes, and visualize this big set of loving hands. I take whatever it is that I am worrying about, place it all in those hands, and say "God, I'm turning this over to you."
I used to do that dozens of times a day, over and over again. As time went on, it just became second nature and I wasn't taking it back nearly as often.
It takes work to undo old behaviors, but it's worth it.
IO Storm
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Southern California
Posts: 18,436
Another incident with stalking ex Monday night at my Home Group AA meeting..
Off to the DV shelter today for advice, and maybe to file a report with the police.
Handing it all up to HP...
The reading is perfect for me today!
I have been praying before I open my eyes in the morning..turning my day over...
I had gotten away from this. Lately, it has made all the difference in my level
of serenity. It doesn't mean "things" have not happened, but the way I have
reacted to them has changed somehow. I am not afraid anymore.
I feel safe, and protected. For I began the day with "Thy will, not mine.."
:ghug2:
Off to the DV shelter today for advice, and maybe to file a report with the police.
Handing it all up to HP...
The reading is perfect for me today!
I have been praying before I open my eyes in the morning..turning my day over...
I had gotten away from this. Lately, it has made all the difference in my level
of serenity. It doesn't mean "things" have not happened, but the way I have
reacted to them has changed somehow. I am not afraid anymore.
I feel safe, and protected. For I began the day with "Thy will, not mine.."
:ghug2:
mergirl
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Paradise
Posts: 4,161
I still need to work on the praying thing! Last night I tried really hard to turn to a hp. I am going away this weekend, and I have some guilt over it. My guilt answered me in God's voice, and we started to argue. The end was my defiant "I don't care if its wrong, I'm going". . .
so I will just keep believing I am arguing with myself and not God, because that is probably not the best response when he give out advice. . .
so I will just keep believing I am arguing with myself and not God, because that is probably not the best response when he give out advice. . .
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Originally Posted by Freedom1990 
Whenever I start to feel worry creeping in, I sit still and take a few deep breaths. Then I close my eyes, and visualize this big set of loving hands. I take whatever it is that I am worrying about, place it all in those hands, and say "God, I'm turning this over to you."
I used to do that dozens of times a day, over and over again. As time went on, it just became second nature and I wasn't taking it back nearly as often.
It takes work to undo old behaviors, but it's worth it.
I used to do that dozens of times a day, over and over again. As time went on, it just became second nature and I wasn't taking it back nearly as often.
It takes work to undo old behaviors, but it's worth it.
Huge hugs! HG
(((Lisa))) Although I am protestant myself, it is a fully-accepted Jewish tradition to argue with G*d. Nothing to feel bad about, and believe me, G*d can take it!
(((IO))) Oh, dear, I'm so sorry to hear about it! May peace return soon!
HG
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: BC Canada
Posts: 1,221
((Dev)) I think I was like your Mom worrying all the time, thank Goodness I have for the most part being able to turn things over to God now and not be so consumed with worry..I'm sorry that your heart aches over what your Dad says about your Mom...(hugs..)
((Storm)) So sorry for what your dealing with again...
((Lisa)) maybe you don't need to feel guilty...
((Storm)) So sorry for what your dealing with again...
((Lisa)) maybe you don't need to feel guilty...
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((IO))) - I'm so sorry you're dealing with this again, or still yet.
I don't know if it was today's reading, or what, but I had every reason to worry myself into a tizzy today, and I'm remarkably calm...pms and all.
Went to pick up my car, they handed me the keys and said "that will be $500"...WHAT?!?!?! Turns out, I have to pay the deductible and wait for the other guy's insurance company to pay me back...may be 2 months.
I called dad (of course ), had a mini-meltdown for about 30 seconds, and then it was gone. HE, of course, is all upset about it, but I'm fine.
I went and did my stores, and realize I really like doing them. I've done them enough that I know the mgr's I deal with, and they know me. Even found out, today, that one was an addict...10 years clean. I won't say she's in recovery, as she says she "drinks occasionally" but she's a very cool lady, hard worker and I really like her. We were just talking about debt, and I mentioned why I was in so much debt (drugs) and she said "been there, done that". I'm a "chatty cathy" and like getting to know these people.
I don't think it's a coincidence that dad told me we will be doing ALL the stores, every month (we were only doing half, every other month), so I will be okay money-wise. It may be tough for a couple of weeks, but I've done darned good at managing my money. My insurance agent is pushing to get the $500 to me sooner than 2 months, but I'm thinking if I don't get it until then, it will be like a bonus
I tried to analyze, why I wasn't wigging out..finally just said "God, I don't have a clue what's going on, but I LIKE IT...thank you!" and went on to have a good day.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I don't know if it was today's reading, or what, but I had every reason to worry myself into a tizzy today, and I'm remarkably calm...pms and all.
Went to pick up my car, they handed me the keys and said "that will be $500"...WHAT?!?!?! Turns out, I have to pay the deductible and wait for the other guy's insurance company to pay me back...may be 2 months.
I called dad (of course
), had a mini-meltdown for about 30 seconds, and then it was gone. HE, of course, is all upset about it, but I'm fine. I went and did my stores, and realize I really like doing them. I've done them enough that I know the mgr's I deal with, and they know me. Even found out, today, that one was an addict...10 years clean. I won't say she's in recovery, as she says she "drinks occasionally" but she's a very cool lady, hard worker and I really like her. We were just talking about debt, and I mentioned why I was in so much debt (drugs) and she said "been there, done that". I'm a "chatty cathy" and like getting to know these people.
I don't think it's a coincidence that dad told me we will be doing ALL the stores, every month (we were only doing half, every other month), so I will be okay money-wise. It may be tough for a couple of weeks, but I've done darned good at managing my money. My insurance agent is pushing to get the $500 to me sooner than 2 months, but I'm thinking if I don't get it until then, it will be like a bonus
I tried to analyze, why I wasn't wigging out..finally just said "God, I don't have a clue what's going on, but I LIKE IT
...thank you!" and went on to have a good day.Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: BC Canada
Posts: 1,221
You are reading from The Language of Letting Go by Melodie Beattie
MARCH 26
GIFTS, NOT BURDENS
Children are gifts, if we accept them.
--Kathleen Turner Crilly
Children are gifts. Our children, if we have children, are a gift to us.
We, as children, were gifts to our parents.
Sadly, many of us did not receive the message from our parents that we were gifts to them and to the universe. Maybe our parents were in pain themselves; maybe our parents were looking to us to be their caretakers; maybe we came at a difficult time in their lives; maybe they had their own issues and simply were not able to enjoy, accept, and appreciate us for the gifts we are.
Many of us have deep, sometimes subconscious, belief that we were, and are, a burden to the world and the people around us. This belief can block our ability to enjoy life and our relationship with a Higher Power: we may feel we are a burden to God.
If we have that belief, it is time to let it go.
We are not a burden. We never were. If we received that message from our parents, it is time to recognize that issue as theirs to resolve.
We have a right to treat ourselves as a gift--to ourselves, to others, and to the universe.
We are here, and we have a right to be here.
Today, I will treat myself, and any children I have, as though we are a gift. I will let go of any beliefs I have about being a burden--to my Higher Power, my friends, my family, and myself.
MARCH 26
GIFTS, NOT BURDENS
Children are gifts, if we accept them.
--Kathleen Turner Crilly
Children are gifts. Our children, if we have children, are a gift to us.
We, as children, were gifts to our parents.
Sadly, many of us did not receive the message from our parents that we were gifts to them and to the universe. Maybe our parents were in pain themselves; maybe our parents were looking to us to be their caretakers; maybe we came at a difficult time in their lives; maybe they had their own issues and simply were not able to enjoy, accept, and appreciate us for the gifts we are.
Many of us have deep, sometimes subconscious, belief that we were, and are, a burden to the world and the people around us. This belief can block our ability to enjoy life and our relationship with a Higher Power: we may feel we are a burden to God.
If we have that belief, it is time to let it go.
We are not a burden. We never were. If we received that message from our parents, it is time to recognize that issue as theirs to resolve.
We have a right to treat ourselves as a gift--to ourselves, to others, and to the universe.
We are here, and we have a right to be here.
Today, I will treat myself, and any children I have, as though we are a gift. I will let go of any beliefs I have about being a burden--to my Higher Power, my friends, my family, and myself.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Originally Posted by SerenityGirl
Many of us have deep, sometimes subconscious, belief that we were, and are, a burden to the world and the people around us. This belief can block our ability to enjoy life and our relationship with a Higher Power: we may feel we are a burden to God.
Just a little too close to the target today. I cried reading this one. I don't know if I will ever feel as though I am a gift, but I don't know what benefit I get from holding on to that mindset. I'll have to "think on to it" as my aunt would say.....HG
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 1,055
I'm really going to have to work on this one. Goodness did this ever hit home...one of the things I often say when people as me why I don't ask for help or why I didn't say anything about a problem I was having is "I didn't want to bother you" or "It doesn't matter anyway" Even when I'm told I'm loved, I don't believe it and I often feel I don't matter.
Hugs to all of you here. Your support and kindness is a gift to me. God bless you all!
Hugs to all of you here. Your support and kindness is a gift to me. God bless you all!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
I can honestly say you are ALL gifts to me. I think of every one of you as a treasure and a blessing. You have all helped ME, tremendously, and I thank you all!
I am sad. My dear friend here, Rita (japic05) is hurting. Her boyfriend's DIL had a brain aneurysm, got through surgery okay, but had some setbacks and is now brain dead. She was only in her 20's and leaves behind a loving husband and a little girl, Kayleigh, not to mention others who loved her. It just breaks my heart.
Brit's mom died, at 18, from a car wreck. She didn't have her seatbelt on, was thrown from the car and died of a head injury. Other than a broken arm, there wasn't a scratch on her. We donated some of her organs, and 6 people were recipients. I was an RN in a neuro ICU, at the time, and dealt with this on a daily basis. I actually ended up going to the OR on an organ donation case, a month later with the same guy who did Brit's mom's case. Some people would think it's morbid, but it was actually a good thing...they were very respectful and the urgency reminded me that the purpose was to SAVE lives. The girl I went to the OR for, died of the same thing Rita's Mandy died of.
Anyway, sorry to ramble on. This just brought back some memories, in addition to hurting for Rita. I'm okay, got my stores all done and have to do some computer work so I can get paid for it It's really nice to have this thread to come to and get out whatever's on my mind...it's my little safe haven.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I am sad. My dear friend here, Rita (japic05) is hurting. Her boyfriend's DIL had a brain aneurysm, got through surgery okay, but had some setbacks and is now brain dead. She was only in her 20's and leaves behind a loving husband and a little girl, Kayleigh, not to mention others who loved her. It just breaks my heart.
Brit's mom died, at 18, from a car wreck. She didn't have her seatbelt on, was thrown from the car and died of a head injury. Other than a broken arm, there wasn't a scratch on her. We donated some of her organs, and 6 people were recipients. I was an RN in a neuro ICU, at the time, and dealt with this on a daily basis. I actually ended up going to the OR on an organ donation case, a month later with the same guy who did Brit's mom's case. Some people would think it's morbid, but it was actually a good thing...they were very respectful and the urgency reminded me that the purpose was to SAVE lives. The girl I went to the OR for, died of the same thing Rita's Mandy died of.
Anyway, sorry to ramble on. This just brought back some memories, in addition to hurting for Rita. I'm okay, got my stores all done and have to do some computer work so I can get paid for it
It's really nice to have this thread to come to and get out whatever's on my mind...it's my little safe haven.Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: BC Canada
Posts: 1,221
((Mariposa)) I didn't really think too much about the reading, except I was hoping that none of my children feel that way...have to look into that..But anyway, when I read what you were saying about asking for help I thought, yes, thats the way I have always been too, I didn't want to bother anyone and just go through whatever alone. That's whats been so great about SR, is that we don't have to go through things alone..
((Amy)) Oh thankyou, I feel that same. I feel very thankful for everyone here too. So sad about your friend..
Good news!!! Grateful will be back tomorrow!!
((Amy)) Oh thankyou, I feel that same.
I feel very thankful for everyone here too. So sad about your friend..Good news!!! Grateful will be back tomorrow!!
Leap of Faith Survivor
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,555
You are reading from The Language Of Letting Go by Melody Beattie
March 27
After-Burn
"How could I do it?" How could I say It? Even though I meant it, I still feel ashamed, guilty, and afraid."
This is common reaction to new, exciting recovery behaviors. Anything to do with owning our power and taking cre of ourselves can trigger feelings of shame, guilt, and fear.
We do not have to allow these feelings to control us. They're a backlash. They're after-burn. Let them burn.
When we start confronting and attacking feelings and messages, we will experience some after-burn. The after-burn is what we allowed to control us all our life - shame and guilt.
Many of us grew up with shame-based messages that it wasn't okay to take care of ourselves, be honest, be direct, and own our power with people. Many of us grew up with messages that what we want and need isnt okay.
Let it all burn off. We don't have to take after-burn so seriously. We don't let the after-burn convince us that we are wrong and don't have a right to take care of ourselves and set boundaries.
Do we really have the right to take care of ourselves? Do we really have the right to set boundaries? Do we really have the right to be direct and say what we need to say?
You bet we do.
Today, I will let any after-burn which sets in after I practice a new recovery behavior, burn off. I will not take it so seriously. God, help me let go of my shame and needless fears about what will happen to me if I really start caring for and loving myself.
March 27
After-Burn
"How could I do it?" How could I say It? Even though I meant it, I still feel ashamed, guilty, and afraid."
This is common reaction to new, exciting recovery behaviors. Anything to do with owning our power and taking cre of ourselves can trigger feelings of shame, guilt, and fear.
We do not have to allow these feelings to control us. They're a backlash. They're after-burn. Let them burn.
When we start confronting and attacking feelings and messages, we will experience some after-burn. The after-burn is what we allowed to control us all our life - shame and guilt.
Many of us grew up with shame-based messages that it wasn't okay to take care of ourselves, be honest, be direct, and own our power with people. Many of us grew up with messages that what we want and need isnt okay.
Let it all burn off. We don't have to take after-burn so seriously. We don't let the after-burn convince us that we are wrong and don't have a right to take care of ourselves and set boundaries.
Do we really have the right to take care of ourselves? Do we really have the right to set boundaries? Do we really have the right to be direct and say what we need to say?
You bet we do.
Today, I will let any after-burn which sets in after I practice a new recovery behavior, burn off. I will not take it so seriously. God, help me let go of my shame and needless fears about what will happen to me if I really start caring for and loving myself.
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