Codependency and Beyond Part 3
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hey everybody....been off-line for a couple of days. And....I dropped the laptop on my foot this morning and think I broke my toe! 
...but the computer still works as you can see....!
My deepest sympathies to Grateful on the loss of her mom. My prayers added to everyone else's.
I'm sending my continued thanks and appreciation to Serenity Girl for her work to maintain this thread. I truly appreciate and try to internalize these readings!
((Fall)) I'm so happy to hear about the new puppy. How kismet it is that the spaniel's name is Elijah! That's just fantastic!! I understand perfectly that need for alone time. After my divorce these 9 years ago, I have learned to love time alone to recharge and plan on working to carve out these moments for myself even when I am married once again. Hmmmm....yeah the invitation thing might be complicated but I'm trying not to awfulize about the unknown future right now. My concerns stem from the fact that my fiance's son has threatened to kill nearly every member of his family in his either drunk or cracked out phases.....not a warm and fuzzy recommendation for a wedding guest. However, the wedding will not be held until October, so who knows what will happen between now and then, right?
(((Amy))) I'm so proud and admiring of the way you handled your father's impatient outburst!!! My father can be a bit the same way. I hope that your pain ends and your full mobility returns soon!
IO....I'm so glad you had a good day!! You did deserve as much or more after all you have endured lately!
Hugs to you all! I have to go see about my throbbing toe now! :ghug
...but the computer still works as you can see....!My deepest sympathies to Grateful on the loss of her mom. My prayers added to everyone else's.
I'm sending my continued thanks and appreciation to Serenity Girl for her work to maintain this thread. I truly appreciate and try to internalize these readings!
((Fall)) I'm so happy to hear about the new puppy. How kismet it is that the spaniel's name is Elijah! That's just fantastic!! I understand perfectly that need for alone time. After my divorce these 9 years ago, I have learned to love time alone to recharge and plan on working to carve out these moments for myself even when I am married once again. Hmmmm....yeah the invitation thing might be complicated but I'm trying not to awfulize about the unknown future right now. My concerns stem from the fact that my fiance's son has threatened to kill nearly every member of his family in his either drunk or cracked out phases.....not a warm and fuzzy recommendation for a wedding guest. However, the wedding will not be held until October, so who knows what will happen between now and then, right?
(((Amy))) I'm so proud and admiring of the way you handled your father's impatient outburst!!! My father can be a bit the same way. I hope that your pain ends and your full mobility returns soon!
IO....I'm so glad you had a good day!! You did deserve as much or more after all you have endured lately!
Hugs to you all! I have to go see about my throbbing toe now! :ghug
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: BC Canada
Posts: 1,221
You are reading from the Language of Letting Go by Melodie Beattie
MARCH 23
FLACK FROM SETTING BOUNDARIES
When we own our power to take care of ourselves--set a boundary, say no, change an old pattern--we may get flack from some people. That's okay. We don't have to let their reactions control us, stop us, or influence our decision to take care of ourselves.
We don't have to control their reactions to our process of self-care. That is not our responsibility. We don't have to expect them not to react either.
People will react when we do things differently or take assertive action to nuture ourselves, particularly if our decision in some way affects them. Let them have their feelings. Let them have their reactions. But continue on your course anyway.
If people are used to us behaving in a certain way, they'll attempt to convince us to stay that way to avoid changing the system. If people are used to us saying yes all the time, they may start mumbling and murmuring when we say no. If people are used to us taking care of their responsibilities, feelings and problems, they may give us some flack when we stop. That's normal. We can learnto live witha little flack in the name of healthy self-care. Not abuse, mind you, Flack.
If people are used to controlling us through guilt, bullying, and badgering, they may intensify their effort when we change and refuse to be controlled. That's okay. That's flack too.
We don't have to let flack pull us back into old ways if we've decided we want and need to change. We don't have to react to flack or give it much attention. It doesn't deserve it. It will die down.
Today, I will disregard any flack I receive for changing my behavior or making other efforts to be myself.
MARCH 23
FLACK FROM SETTING BOUNDARIES
When we own our power to take care of ourselves--set a boundary, say no, change an old pattern--we may get flack from some people. That's okay. We don't have to let their reactions control us, stop us, or influence our decision to take care of ourselves.
We don't have to control their reactions to our process of self-care. That is not our responsibility. We don't have to expect them not to react either.
People will react when we do things differently or take assertive action to nuture ourselves, particularly if our decision in some way affects them. Let them have their feelings. Let them have their reactions. But continue on your course anyway.
If people are used to us behaving in a certain way, they'll attempt to convince us to stay that way to avoid changing the system. If people are used to us saying yes all the time, they may start mumbling and murmuring when we say no. If people are used to us taking care of their responsibilities, feelings and problems, they may give us some flack when we stop. That's normal. We can learnto live witha little flack in the name of healthy self-care. Not abuse, mind you, Flack.
If people are used to controlling us through guilt, bullying, and badgering, they may intensify their effort when we change and refuse to be controlled. That's okay. That's flack too.
We don't have to let flack pull us back into old ways if we've decided we want and need to change. We don't have to react to flack or give it much attention. It doesn't deserve it. It will die down.
Today, I will disregard any flack I receive for changing my behavior or making other efforts to be myself.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
As usual, I got a lot from today's reading, too
Dad is the main one I got flack from in setting boundaries. He has no one to talk to, about stepmom..except me. His friend, Jim, has the attitude..."if you're not going to DO anything about it, stop whining about it".
At one point, I had way too much info...about their sex life. After hearing this info twice, giving my input twice, I told dad "this makes me uncomfortable. I'm your daughter, I've said what I've got to say, and we're not going to have this discussion ever again".
The other thing is, he feels he is "entitled to his opinion", no matter how much it hurts another person. I've called him on some of the things he's said to stepmom...no, it's not MY place, but there is a 15-year-old child in this house, and she is learning about relationships from all of us. So my boundary, is you don't put people down in this house..I don't care WHO you are. I know that's really not in my control, but so far it's working.
I've got one more night of work, then a day of rest. Should get my car back in a couple of days. I've got 2 girls, at work, who are trying to make my life miserable, but my new motto is "rise above it" and it's working pretty darned well! I'm giving them enough rope to hang themselves, and so far, they're doing just that. It doesn't hurt, I've got my mgr on my side
The soreness is easing off, finally. I'm going to quit smoking next week. Cigarette prices are going up again, and it's just time to quit. I'm not doing it this week, as I'm heading into pms week, and that makes me irritable, as does quitting smoking..the 2 combined would be hazardous to my job!
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Dad is the main one I got flack from in setting boundaries. He has no one to talk to, about stepmom..except me. His friend, Jim, has the attitude..."if you're not going to DO anything about it, stop whining about it".
At one point, I had way too much info...about their sex life. After hearing this info twice, giving my input twice, I told dad "this makes me uncomfortable. I'm your daughter, I've said what I've got to say, and we're not going to have this discussion ever again".
The other thing is, he feels he is "entitled to his opinion", no matter how much it hurts another person. I've called him on some of the things he's said to stepmom...no, it's not MY place, but there is a 15-year-old child in this house, and she is learning about relationships from all of us. So my boundary, is you don't put people down in this house..I don't care WHO you are. I know that's really not in my control, but so far it's working.
I've got one more night of work, then a day of rest. Should get my car back in a couple of days. I've got 2 girls, at work, who are trying to make my life miserable, but my new motto is "rise above it" and it's working pretty darned well! I'm giving them enough rope to hang themselves, and so far, they're doing just that. It doesn't hurt, I've got my mgr on my side
The soreness is easing off, finally. I'm going to quit smoking next week. Cigarette prices are going up again, and it's just time to quit. I'm not doing it this week, as I'm heading into pms week, and that makes me irritable, as does quitting smoking..the 2 combined would be hazardous to my job!
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
IO Storm
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Southern California
Posts: 18,436
Wow!
This one sure hit me between the ol' blue eyes!
Going out out on a limb here..I think when my ex showed up in November and saw me
sitting in my meetings, fresh scrubbed..healthy, sharing ESH..without his help..
he blew a gasket. And the obsession was on..
In this particular case..i couldn't ignore it, it didn't "die down"..I had to take extreme
action..but Melody addressed the issue plainly here..
"We can learnto live witha little flack in the name of healthy self-care. Not abuse, mind you, Flack."
But healthy self-care in the midst of a trial has to be practiced on a daily basis.
No more suffering in silence and being frozen in fear.
No more inaction..and not taking care of other business.
On with Life!
Yes.
:ghug2:
This one sure hit me between the ol' blue eyes!
Going out out on a limb here..I think when my ex showed up in November and saw me
sitting in my meetings, fresh scrubbed..healthy, sharing ESH..without his help..
he blew a gasket. And the obsession was on..
In this particular case..i couldn't ignore it, it didn't "die down"..I had to take extreme
action..but Melody addressed the issue plainly here..
"We can learnto live witha little flack in the name of healthy self-care. Not abuse, mind you, Flack."
But healthy self-care in the midst of a trial has to be practiced on a daily basis.
No more suffering in silence and being frozen in fear.
No more inaction..and not taking care of other business.
On with Life!
Yes.
:ghug2:
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Had a long talk with my sponsor today about boundaries. Coincidence? I think not!
Codependency can really rear its ugly head for me as I'm sponsoring other gals in AA.
I dropped a sponsee (as opposed to trying to hang in there till I'm down and out).
She knows I'll be there as a friend in AA, but she'll have to find another sponsor.
After almost drinking herself to death last week, she's completely back-peddled, and is right back to doing exactly what got her drunk after 3 years sober before.
I've got other gals who are willing to do the work.
I'm back to basics and taking care of me first.
Codependency can really rear its ugly head for me as I'm sponsoring other gals in AA.
I dropped a sponsee (as opposed to trying to hang in there till I'm down and out).
She knows I'll be there as a friend in AA, but she'll have to find another sponsor.
After almost drinking herself to death last week, she's completely back-peddled, and is right back to doing exactly what got her drunk after 3 years sober before.
I've got other gals who are willing to do the work.
I'm back to basics and taking care of me first.
Administrator
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,522
I hope everyone is having a great day!
This topic is really interesting to me.
I am in the process of setting boundaries with my Dad and it's very hard.
My Mom died several years ago and since then my Dad has used me as his personal dumping ground. He calls, spends the whole time talking about his problems and how awful his life is, rarely asks how I am, then says 'Don't worry about me, goodbye'.
I have tried to disengage during the conversations and just say 'oh yeah', but I find he is so disrespectful of me. There are times I hang up and wonder why I am allowing this to happen. So, I have taken steps to cut down the number of phone calls. My Dad doesn't respect me as a person and he hasn't been there for me when I needed someone. I will be respectful to him, but I will maintain myself and my dignity.
This topic is really interesting to me.
I am in the process of setting boundaries with my Dad and it's very hard.
My Mom died several years ago and since then my Dad has used me as his personal dumping ground. He calls, spends the whole time talking about his problems and how awful his life is, rarely asks how I am, then says 'Don't worry about me, goodbye'.
I have tried to disengage during the conversations and just say 'oh yeah', but I find he is so disrespectful of me. There are times I hang up and wonder why I am allowing this to happen. So, I have taken steps to cut down the number of phone calls. My Dad doesn't respect me as a person and he hasn't been there for me when I needed someone. I will be respectful to him, but I will maintain myself and my dignity.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: BC Canada
Posts: 1,221
A couple of my family members have been controlling me with guilt and sometimes bullying for a long time. Of course I have allowed it to happen. Thank goodness now, I realized what has been happening. Guilt has always been a major problem for me, I have can feel guilt over anything, even something I haven't done..So of course it has been easy for anyone to control me through guilt, I would do anything, just so I wouldn't feel guilt...Now I am learning I am not responsible for others and their happiness. It's okay to look after me now, finally.....AND NOT FEEL GUILTY 
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: BC Canada
Posts: 1,221
((Anna)) That's good that you are setting boundaries with your Dad. I just recently set some boundaries for myself with my daughter. Actually, Grateful helped me with that, because she had the same issues as me with her daughter. I had to tell my daughter not to phone so much, she goes through times when she phones almost everyday and tells me all her problems. Also starts saying things to try and make me feel guilty,so its seems. She would get angry with me and we would end up arguing, then one of us would hang up. It would totally through me off kilter and I would feel upset and anxious for a day or so. So I refuse to talk to her now if she is going to be angry or disrespectful...I told her I can't handle that anymore and I need to take care of myself...and if she tells me I'm not there for her, I refuse to let her manipulate me into feeling guilty...I know that I will have to deal with this again, but as long as I stick to my boundaries I should be okay..
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: BC Canada
Posts: 1,221
You are reading from the Language of Letting Go by Melodie Beattie
MARCH 24
APPRECIATING OURSELVES
We are the greatest thing that will ever happened to us. Believe it. It make life much easier. --Codependent No More
It is time to stop this nonsense of running around picking on ourselves.
We may have walked through most of our life apologizing for ourselves either directly or indirectly--feeling less valuable than others, believing that they know better than we do, and somehow others are meant to be here and we are not.
We have a right to be here.
We have a right to be ourselves!!!!
We are here. There is a purpose, a reason, and an intention for our life. We do not have to apologize for being here or being who we are.
We are good enough, and deserving.
Others do not have our magic. We have our magic. It is in us.
It doesn't matter what we've done in our past. We all have a past, woven with mistakes, successes, and learning experiences. We have a right to our past. It is ours. It has worked to shape and form us. As we progress on this journey, we shall see how each of our experiences will be turned around and used for good.
We have already spent too much time being ashamed, being apologetic, and doubting the beauty of ourselves. Be done with it. Let it go. It is an unnecessary burden. Others have rights, but so do we. We are who we are. That is who we were created and intended to be.
That, my friend, is a wonderful gift.
God, help me own my power to love and appreciate myself. Help me give myself validity instead of looking to others to do that.
MARCH 24
APPRECIATING OURSELVES
We are the greatest thing that will ever happened to us. Believe it. It make life much easier. --Codependent No More
It is time to stop this nonsense of running around picking on ourselves.
We may have walked through most of our life apologizing for ourselves either directly or indirectly--feeling less valuable than others, believing that they know better than we do, and somehow others are meant to be here and we are not.
We have a right to be here.
We have a right to be ourselves!!!!
We are here. There is a purpose, a reason, and an intention for our life. We do not have to apologize for being here or being who we are.
We are good enough, and deserving.
Others do not have our magic. We have our magic. It is in us.
It doesn't matter what we've done in our past. We all have a past, woven with mistakes, successes, and learning experiences. We have a right to our past. It is ours. It has worked to shape and form us. As we progress on this journey, we shall see how each of our experiences will be turned around and used for good.
We have already spent too much time being ashamed, being apologetic, and doubting the beauty of ourselves. Be done with it. Let it go. It is an unnecessary burden. Others have rights, but so do we. We are who we are. That is who we were created and intended to be.
That, my friend, is a wonderful gift.
God, help me own my power to love and appreciate myself. Help me give myself validity instead of looking to others to do that.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Oh....Wow....this is a message I so wish I could internalize. Feeling as though I do not have to apologize for my mere existence continously would be such a relief. I am who I am and I'm no better OR WORSE than anyone around me. Today I'm going to try to keep telling myself that I have a purpose, that I am suited for that purpose as I am, and that my HP is in charge!
Hugs to all, HG
Hugs to all, HG
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
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Oh yes, that is so hard.
I try to be quiet and to get in touch with my soul. I try to quiet my ego and it's wishes and desires, because it is only interested in attaching to things and labelling people and things and me. But, it's hard. I need to know what my soul's purpose is, and to stay focused on that. Then I can't go wrong. But, it's hard.
I try to be quiet and to get in touch with my soul. I try to quiet my ego and it's wishes and desires, because it is only interested in attaching to things and labelling people and things and me. But, it's hard. I need to know what my soul's purpose is, and to stay focused on that. Then I can't go wrong. But, it's hard.
mergirl
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Paradise
Posts: 4,161
made me cry! I have been so upset with my feelings and desires this past week. I am having such a hard time figuring out which stuff is ok, but no matter what I need to remember that I am the greatest thing that will ever happen to me.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,522
I LOVE these readings.
I went outside today and felt the sun on my face and the cool breeze. And, it was one of those moments when that was all I needed. I didn't need to be the perfect wife, the perfect mother or the perfect employee. I had everything I needed.
I went outside today and felt the sun on my face and the cool breeze. And, it was one of those moments when that was all I needed. I didn't need to be the perfect wife, the perfect mother or the perfect employee. I had everything I needed.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: BC Canada
Posts: 1,221
You are reading from the Language of Letting Go by Melodie Beattie
MARCH 25
LETTING GO OF WORRY
What if we knew for certain everything we're worried about today will work out fine?
What if...we had a guarantee that the problem bothering us would be worked out in the most perfect way, and at the best possible time? Furthermore, what if we knew that three years from now we'd be grateful for that problem, and its solution?
What if...we knew that even our worst fear would work out for the best?
What if...we had a guarantee that everything that's happening, and has happened, in or life was meant to be, planned just for us, and in our best interest?
What if...we had a guarantee that the people we love are experiencing exactly what they need in order to become who they're intended to become? Further, what if we had a guarantee that others can be responsible for themselves, and we don't have to control or take responsibility for them?
What if...we knew the future was going to be good, and we would have an abundance of resources and guidance to handle whatever comes our way?
What if...we knew everything was okay, and we didn't have to worry about a thing? What would we do then?
We'd be free to let go and enjoy life...
Today, I will know that I don't have to worry about anything. If I do worry, I will do it with the understanding that I am choosing to worry, and it is not necessary.
MARCH 25
LETTING GO OF WORRY
What if we knew for certain everything we're worried about today will work out fine?
What if...we had a guarantee that the problem bothering us would be worked out in the most perfect way, and at the best possible time? Furthermore, what if we knew that three years from now we'd be grateful for that problem, and its solution?
What if...we knew that even our worst fear would work out for the best?
What if...we had a guarantee that everything that's happening, and has happened, in or life was meant to be, planned just for us, and in our best interest?
What if...we had a guarantee that the people we love are experiencing exactly what they need in order to become who they're intended to become? Further, what if we had a guarantee that others can be responsible for themselves, and we don't have to control or take responsibility for them?
What if...we knew the future was going to be good, and we would have an abundance of resources and guidance to handle whatever comes our way?
What if...we knew everything was okay, and we didn't have to worry about a thing? What would we do then?
We'd be free to let go and enjoy life...
Today, I will know that I don't have to worry about anything. If I do worry, I will do it with the understanding that I am choosing to worry, and it is not necessary.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
I'm getting better at not worrying, but I still do it...I just don't do it for as long. I have to keep reminding myself that, in the past, worrying never solved a thing. All it did was stress me out and make me lose sleep. It has also caused me to be short with family, friends, and even people at work.
Today, I'll try to focus on turning my worries over to HP a lot faster.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Today, I'll try to focus on turning my worries over to HP a lot faster.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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