506 days sober and feeing suicidal
Sober since October
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: In the world in my eyes...Somewhere I've never been before...
Posts: 7,355
Hi, all)
Some update on my "mental status".
Though suicidal thoughts "backed off", somewhere, deep in my heart I still hold to this "final refuge" - like if nothing else, there's always a way out.
I haven't still given up on thought of writing a will. I feel like it would give me the freedom - I would not be afraid of those thoughts. My brother won't get anything.
Though a couple of days ago, suffering from anxiety again, I thought "What the hell. I won't give up so easily. I will fight. I won't throw away my life."
I remember once, a couple of years ago, wrapping up our course of sessions, my therapist gave me some advice and told "Try not to undervalue what I am going to tell you the way you undervalue your life".
Yeah, guilty as charge.
Recently I've been suffering from tremendous anxiety, and today got a panic attack - right after I brought my car to a repair shop. When I left it there and headed to the bus stop to get home, I felt panic. Absolute crippling panic. Like all the reality was staring at me, and I didn't belong to the reality. I wanted to run home and hide under the blanket. I almost did. I still feel this panic, "frozen and solidified" inside myself.
I physically feel this panic, like inner frame which restrains and cripples my movements".
Where does this panic come from? I don't know exactly.
I am scared of reality. That when I get out of my shell, the reality will tear me apart.
What do I mean by "tear apart"?
That reality will force me to do what I don't want to do. That trying hard again not to be torn apart my reality, I will lose myself. Again.
I am mortally afraid to be stuck in the rut again. To sell my soul for a piece of security as a pay off to keeping panic at bay.
I am afraid of this. I would rather die.
My major problem right now , me thinks, that I am super afrai dto be caught in routine again. To be forced into something again.
Protecting my boundaries and following my own call is still so brand new to me. I am still a baby in that sense. I still comparing myself to other people and when I fall out, doesn't matter is it in good or bad terms, I feel uncomfortable and panic.
And after all these long years of :look at her. And look at him...: I am sick of it.
***
I remember when I was about 23, my mother during one of our fights , threw me a reproach in the face: "You friend Kate found herself a husband, and you did not! You are worthless".
It got ingrained in my memory. My mother had this nasty habit harboring something, and taking it out of her sleeve, like a con. And stabbing in the back.
I never had thought before, that she was comparing me to my friend in these terms. Found a husband! How’s about that!
It was on of the last straws when I shut out from her completely. It was hard speaking with her and trying to guess, what kind of BS she is hiding on her heart and getting ready to stab me with during another fight.
And in the course of all this I developed huge resentment to every thing that is considered to be "normal". Everything that goes with the word "supposed".
I am supposed to get married and have kids by now? F**** you all!!!
***
But still...
I am afraid of communicating with people. Because when I start, I have to to pen up my world, even thougth a little bit. And then I kind of "take my eyes off my own goal" and look around. And I start look around and noticing that other people don't do this. And there should be something wrong with me. And The old panic rises up and overwhelms me. And panic grasps me and invades my world. And at some moemnt I throw a towel. I can't stand this any more.
And my goal is lost again. And I don't feel like living again.
And there is another issues arouses. Is it really true? Or I just keep running from world not being able to get rid of illusions and accept the life on life's terms.\, the world on world's terms.
This "crossroad question" hold me from moving forward.
Am I a fake or real?
***
Life still scares me. Scares because I feel like I am lost . Lost every step of my way...
I still can't tell where I am heading. I still feel like I am wasting my time. I feel like everyone has life but me.
***
I am seeing now a therapist once in three weeks. It's government funded, so it's free. Surely, I could use more help, but it's better than nothing.
She have me "homework" to sit with my fear for 30 minutes each day. And I can't ... Every time I start doing this, panic is so huge, I feel physically ill.
I feel even like double fake, because other people don't see me as weak and scared. My boxing trainer told me: "If you haven't had guts, I wouldn't let you do sparring with guys". My real estate agent, who attends the same gym as myself, said to to me that I inspired her to go there on regular basis when she saw me working out. And for her it's important - she needs exercising to make her health better.
Why, in the hell, can't I inspire myself just a little bit?
***
Now, when my car is finally getting fixed, I have to sell it. And I am panicking like I am going to land to the Jupiter, or so. I am so afraid to communicate with people, let alone bargaining, that I am scared I would sell it for the lowest price just to escape this ordeal.
Ok. I think that will do for today.
To be continued...
P.S. Thank you all a lot for support. It keeps me going.
Some update on my "mental status".
Though suicidal thoughts "backed off", somewhere, deep in my heart I still hold to this "final refuge" - like if nothing else, there's always a way out.
I haven't still given up on thought of writing a will. I feel like it would give me the freedom - I would not be afraid of those thoughts. My brother won't get anything.
Though a couple of days ago, suffering from anxiety again, I thought "What the hell. I won't give up so easily. I will fight. I won't throw away my life."
I remember once, a couple of years ago, wrapping up our course of sessions, my therapist gave me some advice and told "Try not to undervalue what I am going to tell you the way you undervalue your life".
Yeah, guilty as charge.
Recently I've been suffering from tremendous anxiety, and today got a panic attack - right after I brought my car to a repair shop. When I left it there and headed to the bus stop to get home, I felt panic. Absolute crippling panic. Like all the reality was staring at me, and I didn't belong to the reality. I wanted to run home and hide under the blanket. I almost did. I still feel this panic, "frozen and solidified" inside myself.
I physically feel this panic, like inner frame which restrains and cripples my movements".
Where does this panic come from? I don't know exactly.
I am scared of reality. That when I get out of my shell, the reality will tear me apart.
What do I mean by "tear apart"?
That reality will force me to do what I don't want to do. That trying hard again not to be torn apart my reality, I will lose myself. Again.
I am mortally afraid to be stuck in the rut again. To sell my soul for a piece of security as a pay off to keeping panic at bay.
I am afraid of this. I would rather die.
My major problem right now , me thinks, that I am super afrai dto be caught in routine again. To be forced into something again.
Protecting my boundaries and following my own call is still so brand new to me. I am still a baby in that sense. I still comparing myself to other people and when I fall out, doesn't matter is it in good or bad terms, I feel uncomfortable and panic.
And after all these long years of :look at her. And look at him...: I am sick of it.
***
I remember when I was about 23, my mother during one of our fights , threw me a reproach in the face: "You friend Kate found herself a husband, and you did not! You are worthless".
It got ingrained in my memory. My mother had this nasty habit harboring something, and taking it out of her sleeve, like a con. And stabbing in the back.
I never had thought before, that she was comparing me to my friend in these terms. Found a husband! How’s about that!
It was on of the last straws when I shut out from her completely. It was hard speaking with her and trying to guess, what kind of BS she is hiding on her heart and getting ready to stab me with during another fight.
And in the course of all this I developed huge resentment to every thing that is considered to be "normal". Everything that goes with the word "supposed".
I am supposed to get married and have kids by now? F**** you all!!!
***
But still...
I am afraid of communicating with people. Because when I start, I have to to pen up my world, even thougth a little bit. And then I kind of "take my eyes off my own goal" and look around. And I start look around and noticing that other people don't do this. And there should be something wrong with me. And The old panic rises up and overwhelms me. And panic grasps me and invades my world. And at some moemnt I throw a towel. I can't stand this any more.
And my goal is lost again. And I don't feel like living again.
And there is another issues arouses. Is it really true? Or I just keep running from world not being able to get rid of illusions and accept the life on life's terms.\, the world on world's terms.
This "crossroad question" hold me from moving forward.
Am I a fake or real?
***
Life still scares me. Scares because I feel like I am lost . Lost every step of my way...
I still can't tell where I am heading. I still feel like I am wasting my time. I feel like everyone has life but me.
***
I am seeing now a therapist once in three weeks. It's government funded, so it's free. Surely, I could use more help, but it's better than nothing.
She have me "homework" to sit with my fear for 30 minutes each day. And I can't ... Every time I start doing this, panic is so huge, I feel physically ill.
I feel even like double fake, because other people don't see me as weak and scared. My boxing trainer told me: "If you haven't had guts, I wouldn't let you do sparring with guys". My real estate agent, who attends the same gym as myself, said to to me that I inspired her to go there on regular basis when she saw me working out. And for her it's important - she needs exercising to make her health better.
Why, in the hell, can't I inspire myself just a little bit?
***
Now, when my car is finally getting fixed, I have to sell it. And I am panicking like I am going to land to the Jupiter, or so. I am so afraid to communicate with people, let alone bargaining, that I am scared I would sell it for the lowest price just to escape this ordeal.
Ok. I think that will do for today.
To be continued...
P.S. Thank you all a lot for support. It keeps me going.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
MidnightBlue, I could have written that post myself. I'm very glad you wrote it, though.
Be gentle with yourself, it's Mother's Day. I'm just barely hanging on today. My mother was a mean woman who taunted me even from the grave with the things she kept in her house that I would have to find.
She affected me more than I can ever express. The most sacred of relationships, thrown to ashes by the one person I should have been able to trust.
It tarnishes everything and sets us up with irrational fear of everything and everyone. This is the worst day of the year for me. I'll be glad when it is over. I'm just hanging on to my sobriety like my life depends on it today. It does depend on it.
((hug))
Be gentle with yourself, it's Mother's Day. I'm just barely hanging on today. My mother was a mean woman who taunted me even from the grave with the things she kept in her house that I would have to find.
She affected me more than I can ever express. The most sacred of relationships, thrown to ashes by the one person I should have been able to trust.
It tarnishes everything and sets us up with irrational fear of everything and everyone. This is the worst day of the year for me. I'll be glad when it is over. I'm just hanging on to my sobriety like my life depends on it today. It does depend on it.
((hug))
Sober since October
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: In the world in my eyes...Somewhere I've never been before...
Posts: 7,355
Originally Posted by biminiblue 
It tarnishes everything and sets us up with irrational fear of everything and everyone.
((hug))
And you are right that your life depends on sobriety. It really does.
Even with all this anxiety and panic, my life is till way much better than it was 19 months before.
Thank you for hug) My hugs back to you. Stay strong.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
Hi MB, I've just read through this thread first time. Sorry to hear you are struggling with negative thought patterns but good to see that you are making efforts to change it, including posting here.
The post I most relate to on this thread is what RobbyRobot said earlier about "disordered thinking". I really see a lot of myself in that despite of never having had any serious physical health challenges yet. I am also prone to that: getting stuck in my head and sometimes my thought processes get so intense and go everywhere, they become very convoluted and can take me to very dark places if I don't do anything to stop them or turn it around with an activity. It's really a constant dance on the edge between insightful/useful and madness for me even now sober at times.
Sounds like you have a lot of anxiety. That's also a great part of my problem when I get stuck in negative thought patterns, including suicidal ideation. I know that world very intimately and won't get into it in detail because it would not be helpful here. For me the best description for those states is a sort of hypomania (although I've never been diagnosed with anything like that) - can be extremely disturbing and uncomfortable, and tempting to actually dive even more into it rather than resolving and changing it.
You are doing the right things to examine and improve your thought patterns and feelings - I think sometimes the best approach is to just accept them - observe - let them be - then let them go. Remember that they are always transient (like others pointed out above). Just thoughts, not true threats if we don't stir them up and infuse them with terror.
Depeche Mode was the very favorite band of some of my teenage years, I was actually a bit obsessed with them as many of my friends at the time. Typical goth teenagers. They have evolved a lot and I still like them in a different way of course - so cool that you saw them in concert recently!
Be well.
The post I most relate to on this thread is what RobbyRobot said earlier about "disordered thinking". I really see a lot of myself in that despite of never having had any serious physical health challenges yet. I am also prone to that: getting stuck in my head and sometimes my thought processes get so intense and go everywhere, they become very convoluted and can take me to very dark places if I don't do anything to stop them or turn it around with an activity. It's really a constant dance on the edge between insightful/useful and madness for me even now sober at times.
Sounds like you have a lot of anxiety. That's also a great part of my problem when I get stuck in negative thought patterns, including suicidal ideation. I know that world very intimately and won't get into it in detail because it would not be helpful here. For me the best description for those states is a sort of hypomania (although I've never been diagnosed with anything like that) - can be extremely disturbing and uncomfortable, and tempting to actually dive even more into it rather than resolving and changing it.
You are doing the right things to examine and improve your thought patterns and feelings - I think sometimes the best approach is to just accept them - observe - let them be - then let them go. Remember that they are always transient (like others pointed out above). Just thoughts, not true threats if we don't stir them up and infuse them with terror.
Depeche Mode was the very favorite band of some of my teenage years, I was actually a bit obsessed with them as many of my friends at the time. Typical goth teenagers. They have evolved a lot and I still like them in a different way of course - so cool that you saw them in concert recently!
Be well.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Midnight, this morning on my walk I realized my go-to thought about myself is that "there's something wrong with me."
I heard that so often that it is still my first thought about myself. I don't know why I absorbed and held onto that particular belief...I'm sure people have told me how great I am along the way in the last decades but I don't remember them. I only remember, and take to heart, the words of that primary relationship.
Anyone who voices that there is something wrong about me, I validate. Anyone who voices good things, I don't even hear them apparently. I don't remember them at least.
I guess I need to tell myself. I actually am a good person. I will repeat that 100 times.
I heard that so often that it is still my first thought about myself. I don't know why I absorbed and held onto that particular belief...I'm sure people have told me how great I am along the way in the last decades but I don't remember them. I only remember, and take to heart, the words of that primary relationship.
Anyone who voices that there is something wrong about me, I validate. Anyone who voices good things, I don't even hear them apparently. I don't remember them at least.
I guess I need to tell myself. I actually am a good person. I will repeat that 100 times.
Sober since October
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: In the world in my eyes...Somewhere I've never been before...
Posts: 7,355
Thanks, Haennie, for your insightful post.
Very exact definition you gave - constant dance on the edge between insightful/useful and madness. There's fine line for me there.
Bimini - "Anyone who voices that there is something wrong about me, I validate. Anyone who voices good things, I don't even hear them apparently. I don't remember them at least." - I could right this.
Everyday I am looking for a prove that I am "good enough", and there's never evidence enough. Everyday I start from the scratch. I know that the only person who can give me this "approval" is myself.
More hugs to you)
Very exact definition you gave - constant dance on the edge between insightful/useful and madness. There's fine line for me there.
Bimini - "Anyone who voices that there is something wrong about me, I validate. Anyone who voices good things, I don't even hear them apparently. I don't remember them at least." - I could right this.
Everyday I am looking for a prove that I am "good enough", and there's never evidence enough. Everyday I start from the scratch. I know that the only person who can give me this "approval" is myself.
More hugs to you)
Sober since October
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: In the world in my eyes...Somewhere I've never been before...
Posts: 7,355
Hi, all.
Today my mood is in the lowest, as it usually is the day before my birthday. I don't remember when exactly I switched from being thrilled about my birthday approaching to hating it and feeling like I want to crawl under the blanket and spend all day there. A whole week would be better probably.
This day reminds me I've got one more year older, and more dreams to bury.
I still can't re-find this point of why I am living. I still can't see it. Everything seems to be aimless to me.
Yesterday I caught myself again at thoughts where I am constantly comparing myself to others. I am sick of this automatic reaction.
Will, please, someone explain to me, why it is considered to be almost a crime against humanity to be ashamed of parent and reproach them that they are not successful enough, don't have money enough, etc. Children are supposed to take them as they are and be grateful. We don't choose our parents.
But why it is absolutely fine to reproach and bug children if they fail parents expectations. It is ok to be ashamed of kids and make up stories about kids' successes, salaries, marriages, whatever, to tell to friends and neighbours. Just because parents are hell afraid that they children won't look normal. As if they really choose who their kids are going to be. "I've done everything for you". What is everything, may I ask?
I know, it's mostly about hard-wired tribal rules when our ancestors needed to survive. Questioning authority of older people would create chaos and make a tribe/family vulnerable. Then this tribal rules migrated in "higher sphere" of spiritual/Bible heritage and became somewhat sacred. I understand all this. Still sucks a lot.
***
Today I've got a call from the repair shop that my car is fixed and I cant get it. Yep, this insurance business I was hell scared 2 months ago is done. I don't feel happy though. Just because, first, some nasty inner voice keeps telling me "So what? No big deal". And, second, because it means the start of the next business, which I am thousand hells more scared of - selling my car.
It's scary because I've never done this, and afraid being fooled, and so on. And the fact the I am selling the car to pay off my debts. My ex used to say to me "You don't need a car of your own..."
Someone would probably say "Be grateful that you have a car, that you can sell it to pay off part of your debts, etc". But I am still having hard times with this kind of being grateful. I mean, I bought this car with cash, no credit, because I worked literally 18-20 hours a day, weekends included. Well, I am grateful to myself that I could do this back then.
***
Yesterday I had another panic attack. And "those" thought came back. And those thought brought relief again.
I know, guys and gals, that I have to seek help...and other things.
But I don't care. Just don't care...Just don't care about the life.
Sorry. Just can't help it.
Ok, off to the repair shop.
See you later.
Today my mood is in the lowest, as it usually is the day before my birthday. I don't remember when exactly I switched from being thrilled about my birthday approaching to hating it and feeling like I want to crawl under the blanket and spend all day there. A whole week would be better probably.
This day reminds me I've got one more year older, and more dreams to bury.
I still can't re-find this point of why I am living. I still can't see it. Everything seems to be aimless to me.
Yesterday I caught myself again at thoughts where I am constantly comparing myself to others. I am sick of this automatic reaction.
Will, please, someone explain to me, why it is considered to be almost a crime against humanity to be ashamed of parent and reproach them that they are not successful enough, don't have money enough, etc. Children are supposed to take them as they are and be grateful. We don't choose our parents.
But why it is absolutely fine to reproach and bug children if they fail parents expectations. It is ok to be ashamed of kids and make up stories about kids' successes, salaries, marriages, whatever, to tell to friends and neighbours. Just because parents are hell afraid that they children won't look normal. As if they really choose who their kids are going to be. "I've done everything for you". What is everything, may I ask?
I know, it's mostly about hard-wired tribal rules when our ancestors needed to survive. Questioning authority of older people would create chaos and make a tribe/family vulnerable. Then this tribal rules migrated in "higher sphere" of spiritual/Bible heritage and became somewhat sacred. I understand all this. Still sucks a lot.
***
Today I've got a call from the repair shop that my car is fixed and I cant get it. Yep, this insurance business I was hell scared 2 months ago is done. I don't feel happy though. Just because, first, some nasty inner voice keeps telling me "So what? No big deal". And, second, because it means the start of the next business, which I am thousand hells more scared of - selling my car.
It's scary because I've never done this, and afraid being fooled, and so on. And the fact the I am selling the car to pay off my debts. My ex used to say to me "You don't need a car of your own..."
Someone would probably say "Be grateful that you have a car, that you can sell it to pay off part of your debts, etc". But I am still having hard times with this kind of being grateful. I mean, I bought this car with cash, no credit, because I worked literally 18-20 hours a day, weekends included. Well, I am grateful to myself that I could do this back then.
***
Yesterday I had another panic attack. And "those" thought came back. And those thought brought relief again.
I know, guys and gals, that I have to seek help...and other things.
But I don't care. Just don't care...Just don't care about the life.
Sorry. Just can't help it.
Ok, off to the repair shop.
See you later.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Ashburn, VA
Posts: 30,196
I love you, MB. Could you talk to one of your pals from the gym to give you some moral support in selling your car? Lots of times guys know something about cars, so they are often less prone to getting ripped off. Also, I have found that people won't even try to BS a guy, whereas they would try to BS a woman.
I can think of one concrete purpose for you on this earth, something you are very good at: to bring joy to others. You do bring joy. That is worth a lot. Persevere. In time you will feel some joy, too.
It is possible that your parents are just plain jerks.
I can think of one concrete purpose for you on this earth, something you are very good at: to bring joy to others. You do bring joy. That is worth a lot. Persevere. In time you will feel some joy, too.
It is possible that your parents are just plain jerks.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Bklyn. NY
Posts: 1,859
Reading a book right now that's reminding me of the things that have worked best for me when feeling like you're feeling. The author references Dale Carnegie's book, How to Win Friends and Influence People, which is an awesome book with a horrible title (IMO). When I read that book and applied it's principles many years ago, things were zooming forward in my life. The basic premise is to stop spinning our own wheels by becoming involved with others. Our pain and misery is often tied up with our obsession with ourselves, our lives, what we're doing or not doing. Reaching out, becoming genuinely interested in others, volunteering our time, being there for people other than ourselves really works to stop the negative banter, anxiety, depression, and feeling like it's all a pointless game we're playing. It isn't as easily done as said though. Writing this actually more for me, than you (hmm.. something ironic about that) . I'm committing today to really be there for other people. To put my cares on the shelf and become interested in them. Ask them questions, get involved, be happy (or at least grateful) to see them. Do my best to be genuinely interested in what's going on with others as opposed to myself. When I do that, it's amazing how my own stuff seems to plop right into place. I've been in an OK space lately, but it's very easy for me to slip into a space that you describe incredibly well. As I think I said in my last post, it passes. Sometimes takes a while, but it does. Hope you're feeling better today.
. I'm committing today to really be there for other people. To put my cares on the shelf and become interested in them. Ask them questions, get involved, be happy (or at least grateful) to see them. Do my best to be genuinely interested in what's going on with others as opposed to myself. When I do that, it's amazing how my own stuff seems to plop right into place. I've been in an OK space lately, but it's very easy for me to slip into a space that you describe incredibly well. As I think I said in my last post, it passes. Sometimes takes a while, but it does. Hope you're feeling better today.
Sober since October
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: In the world in my eyes...Somewhere I've never been before...
Posts: 7,355
Hi, again, all.
Thank you, Joe and Gilmer, for your responses. Really appreciate your input.
A little update on today.
Got my car, so it's fixed. Actually cost of repair turned out to be less than I expected - it didn't even exceed the cost of my insurance fee. Yeah, really was worth worrying about.
Another thing I've noticed while "watching" myself during these days. Why it is so hard for me to deal with life, with everyday issues.
At the dealership and maintenance center where my car was fixed they give you a card for free coffee at the bar while you are waiting for the car to get ready.
I didn't really want coffee. Free coffee they make is crappy. But against all this I went there and got it. What is more I felt some kind of illogical worry arousing. Like "what if they call me that my car is good to go now and I have no time to finish the coffee".
WTF?!!!! I mean, 2 hours ago I felt I didn't care about if I dead or alive, and now, I feel my heart rate speeding up because I (probably!) have not time to finish the coffee I don't need, don't want, and don't enjoy at all!
I got so angry with it. Angry that I had to use my willpower and mental resources, to take deep breaths, to literally force myself to leave the damn coffee alone instead of drinking it up fast and burning my tongue because it's hot.
This stupid coffee touched up something that makes me hate the life. That I have to accept everything that I am offered and that comes my way. Doesn't matter what turd it is, I have no right to reject it. Because I can't afford rejecting anything. Because otherwise they will not offer me anything. And so on. WTF!!!!
***
Visiting a car center is a special thing for me. For most of you it may sound weird, but my family never had a car. And I was brought up with a belief that "a car is not for me; too much of luxury; I could never be a good driver. Blah Blah". My ex added its share to this as well.
Having my own car was more than just having a vehicle. It was kind of my manifest of freedom. When I go for regular maintenance, or some other car related business, I feel like a real grown up. Like I ruined one of the most powerful irrational belief of my past.
Today, my visit there left me with some bitter aftertaste. Like soon I would be back to where "car is too much for me".
***
Got home safely. Decided to do some grocery shopping to treat myself with something delicious tomorrow. I walked to the shop - considering my current state of mind, it's better to reduce my driving time for safety reasons. I was so preoccupied with my thoughts that crossing the road I didn't notice the car and almost stepped in front of it. The guy horned me back. Sorry, dude. I know, I caused you a lot of stress.
But I didn't feel anything. No rush of adrenalin. Not even scared. Heartbeat rate didn't change at all. Again. WTF?!!! A free cup of coffee make my heart beat faster, and this one - not. What's all this about?
You maybe, think - what's all this nonsense about? This girl is nuts. You are probably right.
***
I am tired to be afraid of life; living in anticipation of the worst; fighting illogical fears that jump out from some dark depths and blur my mind. I am tired to live with mindset where I take everything in terms of losing.
I know it's up to me to change my mindset, my perception. I know. I work on it. I honestly do. I am just mortally tired to battle every day these dark forces that live inside and doesn't matter hard hard I try, they raise up with new power every day.
***
Thank you for listening, giving me opportunity to speak up about things I would never pronounce at any other place; thank you for support and really great advices.
Love you all.
See you later.
Thank you, Joe and Gilmer, for your responses. Really appreciate your input.
A little update on today.
Got my car, so it's fixed. Actually cost of repair turned out to be less than I expected - it didn't even exceed the cost of my insurance fee. Yeah, really was worth worrying about.
Another thing I've noticed while "watching" myself during these days. Why it is so hard for me to deal with life, with everyday issues.
At the dealership and maintenance center where my car was fixed they give you a card for free coffee at the bar while you are waiting for the car to get ready.
I didn't really want coffee. Free coffee they make is crappy. But against all this I went there and got it. What is more I felt some kind of illogical worry arousing. Like "what if they call me that my car is good to go now and I have no time to finish the coffee".
WTF?!!!! I mean, 2 hours ago I felt I didn't care about if I dead or alive, and now, I feel my heart rate speeding up because I (probably!) have not time to finish the coffee I don't need, don't want, and don't enjoy at all!
I got so angry with it. Angry that I had to use my willpower and mental resources, to take deep breaths, to literally force myself to leave the damn coffee alone instead of drinking it up fast and burning my tongue because it's hot.
This stupid coffee touched up something that makes me hate the life. That I have to accept everything that I am offered and that comes my way. Doesn't matter what turd it is, I have no right to reject it. Because I can't afford rejecting anything. Because otherwise they will not offer me anything. And so on. WTF!!!!
***
Visiting a car center is a special thing for me. For most of you it may sound weird, but my family never had a car. And I was brought up with a belief that "a car is not for me; too much of luxury; I could never be a good driver. Blah Blah". My ex added its share to this as well.
Having my own car was more than just having a vehicle. It was kind of my manifest of freedom. When I go for regular maintenance, or some other car related business, I feel like a real grown up. Like I ruined one of the most powerful irrational belief of my past.
Today, my visit there left me with some bitter aftertaste. Like soon I would be back to where "car is too much for me".
***
Got home safely. Decided to do some grocery shopping to treat myself with something delicious tomorrow. I walked to the shop - considering my current state of mind, it's better to reduce my driving time for safety reasons. I was so preoccupied with my thoughts that crossing the road I didn't notice the car and almost stepped in front of it. The guy horned me back. Sorry, dude. I know, I caused you a lot of stress.
But I didn't feel anything. No rush of adrenalin. Not even scared. Heartbeat rate didn't change at all. Again. WTF?!!! A free cup of coffee make my heart beat faster, and this one - not. What's all this about?
You maybe, think - what's all this nonsense about? This girl is nuts. You are probably right.
***
I am tired to be afraid of life; living in anticipation of the worst; fighting illogical fears that jump out from some dark depths and blur my mind. I am tired to live with mindset where I take everything in terms of losing.
I know it's up to me to change my mindset, my perception. I know. I work on it. I honestly do. I am just mortally tired to battle every day these dark forces that live inside and doesn't matter hard hard I try, they raise up with new power every day.
***
Thank you for listening, giving me opportunity to speak up about things I would never pronounce at any other place; thank you for support and really great advices.
Love you all.
See you later.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,464
MB - it took me 40 years to gather all my problems - probably took a good 5 or so more years to sort those problems out to a manageable level.
You've started the process...you're farther than you were last year or the year before that.
However dark things may look, try not to forget that
Growth is process, not an event
so is healing...
D
You've started the process...you're farther than you were last year or the year before that.
However dark things may look, try not to forget that
Growth is process, not an event
so is healing...
D
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Oregon
Posts: 4,252
MB Happy birthday! Your post sounds a like you feel a little frantic. I hope you can use your birthday to slow down and enjoy what I hope is a lovely spring day for you! Is it true you live in Russia? I don't know where I got that idea. Is May a nice month where you are? Love, Elseware
Sober since October
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: In the world in my eyes...Somewhere I've never been before...
Posts: 7,355
Thank you all for congrats on my BDay)
Else - I agree, I sounds frantic. And not only I sound like that - I feel like that. And it's emotionally killing me.
I don't know where you got this idea, but you got it right))) The weather here may be quite frantic as well, but this year May is really warm and beautiful, and I am enjoying wonderful days. Well, at least try to enjoy)
See you all later)
Else - I agree, I sounds frantic. And not only I sound like that - I feel like that. And it's emotionally killing me.
I don't know where you got this idea, but you got it right))) The weather here may be quite frantic as well, but this year May is really warm and beautiful, and I am enjoying wonderful days. Well, at least try to enjoy)
See you all later)
Sober since October
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: In the world in my eyes...Somewhere I've never been before...
Posts: 7,355
Ok, BDAy is over, and reality requires some actions again.
Everyday routines still pose quite a chllenge for me. Challenge of different degrees. Actually, they are mostly challenges, when I am planning and thinking about them. Huge cloud of anxiety areises and makes me worry, fuss, act illogicaly , and in a hige of "belt and suspenders way".
But once I step into "real action" I act almost like a "normal" person, whatever it means.
When another "scary" business is over, I usually think that I am "cured" against all this illogicity and other things.
I tell myself "Come on. It's ridiculous. You are a grown up person. get yourself together. No more this one -step -in -front another BS. You are grown up enough to make all this small nonsence on a whimp, in a huge leaps, like grown ups do.
WHose voice it is? I think I know pretty well.
So, I am getting fooled by this voice again, trying to "gather myself up", behave like a super productive grown up. Beating myslef up for getting deep breaths before the most minute and unimportant red-tape procedure. "Come on. It's time to grow up!".
And I inevitably end being stuck, paralyzed by this perfectionism. Procrastinating, waiting for the last moment, and then rushing around.
I think, amybe ti's time to be kinder to myself. To accept, that even being strong, I am stilll a kid in some ways. To accept this, and follow baby steps routines, that spare me nerves, and let my energy focus on something more important other than trying to think-rethink-recheck every red tape detail or whatever.
Maybe, for "normal" people these baby steps would be ridiculous...but..who cares about normal...
See you all later.
Everyday routines still pose quite a chllenge for me. Challenge of different degrees. Actually, they are mostly challenges, when I am planning and thinking about them. Huge cloud of anxiety areises and makes me worry, fuss, act illogicaly , and in a hige of "belt and suspenders way".
But once I step into "real action" I act almost like a "normal" person, whatever it means.
When another "scary" business is over, I usually think that I am "cured" against all this illogicity and other things.
I tell myself "Come on. It's ridiculous. You are a grown up person. get yourself together. No more this one -step -in -front another BS. You are grown up enough to make all this small nonsence on a whimp, in a huge leaps, like grown ups do.
WHose voice it is? I think I know pretty well.
So, I am getting fooled by this voice again, trying to "gather myself up", behave like a super productive grown up. Beating myslef up for getting deep breaths before the most minute and unimportant red-tape procedure. "Come on. It's time to grow up!".
And I inevitably end being stuck, paralyzed by this perfectionism. Procrastinating, waiting for the last moment, and then rushing around.
I think, amybe ti's time to be kinder to myself. To accept, that even being strong, I am stilll a kid in some ways. To accept this, and follow baby steps routines, that spare me nerves, and let my energy focus on something more important other than trying to think-rethink-recheck every red tape detail or whatever.
Maybe, for "normal" people these baby steps would be ridiculous...but..who cares about normal...
See you all later.
AlmA
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Marbella Spain
Posts: 714
HI MidnightBlue,
I have not read all the thread but I had problems too!!!
And at the end I had serotonin deficiency,
If your depression persist you need to check it up with your doctor!
And it can be diet too!
Do not be so hard on yourself...
Need to accept that not everyday is good, that bad feelings are normal (anxiety, anger, etc.) but we tend to extrapolate it and one bad thing it covers our full life, and is not true. Maybe one thing is going wrong but not all our life...
Everything comes and goes... things are not like we would like...
But is the way we process it that makes it more painful than it should be.
we concentrate only on the bad things and we repeat it over and over again in our heads... Until we can not cope!
I have gone to several shrinks and now I found one specialist in addictions
the others did not have a clue!!! Find one!
I can give you some exercises I have translated:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...stortions.html
And I have done two excels for you to work on but can not load it here.
So I loaded in one album in my profile.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...sychology.html
Please do it them they will help you
I have not read all the thread but I had problems too!!!
And at the end I had serotonin deficiency,
If your depression persist you need to check it up with your doctor!
And it can be diet too!
Do not be so hard on yourself...
Need to accept that not everyday is good, that bad feelings are normal (anxiety, anger, etc.) but we tend to extrapolate it and one bad thing it covers our full life, and is not true. Maybe one thing is going wrong but not all our life...
Everything comes and goes... things are not like we would like...
But is the way we process it that makes it more painful than it should be.
we concentrate only on the bad things and we repeat it over and over again in our heads... Until we can not cope!
I have gone to several shrinks and now I found one specialist in addictions
the others did not have a clue!!! Find one!
I can give you some exercises I have translated:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...stortions.html
And I have done two excels for you to work on but can not load it here.
So I loaded in one album in my profile.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...sychology.html
Please do it them they will help you
Sober since October
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: In the world in my eyes...Somewhere I've never been before...
Posts: 7,355
Thank you, Aiko)
I will look into the exercises and do them! I need as many tools as I can get to cope with this situation.
I will look into the exercises and do them! I need as many tools as I can get to cope with this situation.
Sober since October
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: In the world in my eyes...Somewhere I've never been before...
Posts: 7,355
Tired.
Can't pretend that I can cope any more. I can't.
I am who I am. And pain of changing myself in order to survive and straighten out the current situation - it is not worth it for me.
I can't take pain any more. Even the slightest, even "ridiculous".
Something has broken and I can't fix myself any more. And I don't want to.
I don't want to force myself to feel gratitude which I don't feel. I don't want to force myself to feel at all. I don't want to force myself any more in the first place.
I wanted to get out of darkness, but I've lost. Nothing helps in the long run.
And I can't run any more.
Have to sort out all the financial issues first though.
Can't pretend that I can cope any more. I can't.
I am who I am. And pain of changing myself in order to survive and straighten out the current situation - it is not worth it for me.
I can't take pain any more. Even the slightest, even "ridiculous".
Something has broken and I can't fix myself any more. And I don't want to.
I don't want to force myself to feel gratitude which I don't feel. I don't want to force myself to feel at all. I don't want to force myself any more in the first place.
I wanted to get out of darkness, but I've lost. Nothing helps in the long run.
And I can't run any more.
Have to sort out all the financial issues first though.
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