MidnightBlue

Riverbird, glad you had a good workout)

Please, keep getting carried away - it distracts me from other thoughts)

I am better today, but scared... I can't explain why...

Maybe I am scared that these thoughts give me so long sought feeling of peace.

Yesterday, for the first time like in years I had a good sleep. My body was "heavy", mellow, no chatterbox in head, no worrying thoughts, no nothing... just emptiness and I felt so good. And I don't know - if I finally managed to let go things and stop being crazy about controlling every tiny detail in my life, or I just gave up...

Hope I will finally see a therapist on Monday. I feel so trapped at the moment. Like whatever step I decide to make, it will be inevitably wrong.

Anyway... My friend arrived yesterday, and tomorrow we are going to Depeche Mode concert...Can't believe that - it's like seeing legend. We bought tickets back in July, right before my friend was diagnosed with brain tumors...It felt like it will take forever till March...and so it is...

My thoughts are in such a mess right now...I feel a lot of things at the same time: that I am tired, stuck, that maybe I am just lazy and inventing pretenses and nursing self-pity not to work hard on changing my life..Maybe I am nor "humble" enough aiming to achieve too challenging goals... And I am confused because I've been ruthlessly used so many times by the closest people in my life, that I don't believe anyone any more...I can go on and on on this list forever...I am scared to grasp an opportunity when it comes, because I see a trap in every opportunity...

Yesterday, on my way to the gym I passed by a stray dog. It stood right on my way and step aside when I was approaching. And I just wanted to pet it. When I reached out my hand, it instantly jumped back because it was afraid. It was obviously beaten a lot of times, so now it sees a threat in every person approaching. And I remembered my dog. He was almost fearless. When he saw a stick, no way he was scared - he used to perk his ears, his eyes lit up and he was excited to grab this stick, and play with it. And when he got the stick, don't you dare take it! And though he was cautious of strangers, no way he would let anyone mess with him.

It made me sad. I felt like this dog...Lost and afraid to accept help and kind words when needed...because the price to pay back for "putting my guard down" will be too high...

It's high time for me to start working on design for my new flat since it's planned to be commissioned in a couple of months.. It will be "shell and core" - so I will need extra funds for finishing works just to make it habitable. And I am again afraid to be overwhelmed by this..Just every step of looking into the future makes me sick and full of worries...

Thanks again for listening) It means a lot just to have an opportunity to speak out about this. In real life I would die of shame telling this anyone..I am scared to be judged...Seriously, why a well educated, relatively young and healthy person found herself where she is now...I wish I knew myself...

See you all later)

Dee74

I hope you enjoy the concert MB...

and I just wanted to share with you I know several people who work with abused dogs and the like...they do learn to trust and be happy again.

I know you can too

D

SnoozyQ

MB you will never be judged in here . As LDT and Jeni said , we are your family xx

Dees right , I've worked in dog rescue for years and i totally understand your analogy on the stray . But they DO learn to trust again.

You just have to start taking one day at a time again love .

Don't think about tomorrow , cos it's not here yet .

Things can smother us when we feel there is so much to accomplish ...baby steps .

Stop and smell the roses xx

Then punch the crap out of punching bag after that xx

MidnightBlue

Thank you, Snoozy)

SnoozyQ

For you MB i loved Depeche Mode in the 80s :-) have a great time hun xx

image.jpg

Gilmer

Now is not the time to be modest, MB. When I was suicidal, I called my social worker, and he told me to go to the hospital right away. He told me, "Tell them you're suicidal and have a plan. Now is NOT the time to pull yourself up by your bootstraps and say you'll be OK. Just go and they'll help you!"

You are like me: I couldn't decide if I was really bad off mentally, or if I was just being self-centered and having a pity party. At the time, my family assumed I was just being self-centered. I could see many ways in which I was self-centered; however, character flaws or no character flaws, there is something seriously wrong when all you can do is think of killing yourself.

It would be terrific is you could hang on till Monday--but if you start feeling any worse, please don't hesitate to call her again and say that it IS urgent. You will feel so much better when you get help!

Jeni26

Hey my friend...no judgement here. Who are we to judge? We all communicate via the Internet because it affords us a little protection doesn't it? SR was the first place I shared my stuff with anyone..it gave me the confidence I needed to do it later with a therapist and a sponsor.

But still I remain guarded in my real life..I'm not one to chat to people, I keep myself to myself, and it's for that reason I don't do the fellowship part of AA very well.

Those of us who have been hurt by those we trusted take time to let our guards down, that's for sure. But the way to move forward is to do it slowly. I've learned there are a great many people out there who really care for each other. Not everybody has an ulterior motive.

Lean on us MB, we understand. And we care very much.

Enjoy the concert and time with your friend, go and see your therapist next week and tell her the truth. This will pass once you start reaching out.

Much love xx

MidnightBlue

Thank you, Gilmer. You are right. But even in this situation it's so damn hard for me to say "It's urgent! I feel bad".

And you just hit the nail on the head about having pity-party and being self-centered. I just hear my Mother's voice saying "You are just have nothing more important to do. People who work in mines and tired like hell at the end of their work day, do not have such thoughts". And I just want to scream and say "Shut up, shut up, shut up!".

Made it again to boxing class tonight, had a lot of fun doing sparring with a guy. The one who when I just started was criticizing me that I was throwing anything but a proper jab) But when got back home, gloomy thoughts are creeping again.

I know I will hold on till Monday...I just have no choice...

Love you all)

MidnightBlue

Jeni, we must be posing at the same time)

I know that no one will judge me here, on SR. And I am so grateful to all for support. I know I can be honest here.

I hope I will learn to trust again..slowly..

Thank you)

Elseware

Oh, MB, I don't even know what to say. If I was with you I would just sit quietly by your side and be there. I would hold your hand.

MidnightBlue

Thank you, Elsewhere)

You are holding my hand - virtually but still holding)

HeadLump

So sorry for being late to this thread, MB Thinking of you so much, my friend and always with you in spirit xx

Riverbird

Yay! I love getting carried away! And I'm good at it! lol It's a running joke with many of my AA groups...if there's extra time to fill at the end of a meeting everyone turns to me. I pretty much always have something to say and can easily turn a 2 minute story into a 10 minute one without trying or meaning to. I think I'm making up for all the time I spent isolated, but now I feel like i'm bursting at the seams with stuff I want to share with the world. So yeah, I get a little excited! lol

You remind me a lot of me in this post... I'm about to get carried away again, so look out! :P Obviously feel free to ignore or disregard any or all of it. You mentioned working towards goals, but then being down on yourself for not making enough progress and not being able to act on opportunities. I can definitely relate to that. What I've learned is that I can't spend too much time thinking about my goals to where I lose site of the present. For example I worry a lot about starting a career, but before that can happen I have to finish my degree, and before that can happen I have to get through classes. So while it's great to have the big goal in mind, I need to put more energy into the baby steps that I can do now. Recently I was applying for internships...a few of which would require me to move out of state. I was looking at one that I really wanted and was on google maps figuring out how long it would take to get to different places from there, what route I could take, looking at a suggested packing list, etc. But I hadn't even applied for the internship yet! I was already in worrying about what may or may not happen months from now while avoiding the immediate action. Sometimes that action is just getting out of bed, because some days that's about all I can handle. But it's something...from there I manage to shower and get dressed, or call a friend, or go for a walk, or whatever it is. Other days it's more. My first sponsor told me "You can't think your way into right action but you can act your way into right thinking." That's something I hold on to a lot...because my thinking gets really really crazy like you're describing and I can't make sense of it. The more I think about it and worry about it the more confusing, upsetting, and downright scary it becomes, and then I just want to curl up and hide. But as I start taking actions...any actions...towards the eventual goal, everything else starts to clear up.

I can relate to the fear of judgment too, but we're all our own worst critics. Remember you're comparing what you feel and know internally to what you see in others on the exterior. You can't see it but they may very well have a lot of the same insecurities, fears, etc. But I also know where you're coming from with that thinking. I'm at the age where most of my friends are raising families, and I can still barely take care of myself or manage my own life. I get down on myself because I can barely keep my tiny little apartment clean, get myself to class even close to on time, etc. And some friends my age have multiple kids and they're doing just fine. But I have to remember that many others who grew up the way I did don't have near what I have. I've managed to find an apartment and a job, I have friends, and I do manage my life decently well. Many who come from the kind of past that I do would look at what I have the same way as I look at my friends with kids. You can't control the circumstances life has given you....only how you react to them. The fact that you're still here and continuing to fight (and are being open and honest about it) says a lot about you and your strength.

I'm glad you got some good sleep and I hope your concert is absolutely amazing. Oh, and I think it's totally awesome that you reach out to stray dogs. I love dogs when I know the owner and they can assure me the dog is nice. I'm terrified of strays. Even today I was out for a walk and there were these two adorable little stray puppies out playing together. They were so sweet looking but even they had me nervous! That's really cool that you have so much compassion towards animals.

Off to go attempt some sleep myself. Thinking of you!

Jeni26

Happy Friday MB..enjoy that concert with your friend.

MidnightBlue

Hi, all)

Thank you)

Riverbird - you are great at getting carried away! Thank you for your post)

I've finally made another call to the therapist and arranged a session for Sunday.

Trying to take one minute at a time, even a day seems to be overwhelming right now..not very successfully. but trying..It's crazy how anxious I feel about all the tiniest details of every day life...

I am not so excited about the upcoming concert at the moment, than full of worries that I need to wash a car first so they won't charge me a fee for driving a dirty car in the city center, and where I will find a parking lot...and so on...And I would gladly take some public transport, but I live in suburbs and by the time the concert is over, there will be no public transport available...It drives me crazy that I can't handle these thoughts... And makes me feel ashamed to whine about this. But at the moment everything seems like touching an open wound and I can burst into tears about just nothing.

Ok, hope I will handle all this and forget about this during the concert)

Have a great Friday, all!

SnoozyQ

Hi MB

You will find a parking spot , you will have a great time and forget about everything whilst you are having a great time at the concert.

It'll be so much fun ... What a fantastic band to see , I'm jealous ;-)


Cant wait to hear all about it ..enjoy

Gilmer

It might be a hassle to wash the car in the cold. Try to look at it as a big adventure to find a parking lot! Once those two hurdles are overcome, you will have a wonderful time at the concert. It will be well worth it, for the music, the atmosphere, and also for good times with your best friend! You will have good thoughts about it all weekend!

I'm pleased that you moved your appointment up to Sunday.

soberjim

MB
Enjoy the concert...lots of folks here supporting you...it is so good to see.
Reach out..lots are here for you..

IWLSAST

Thinking of you (MB) and hoping you are enjoying your dear friend and the concert. Carlos x

MidnightBlue

Hi, all)

I've just back from the concert.

It was SUPER MEGA AWESOME!!!

I did enjoy it a lot and did forget about my troubles during the concert.

And I found a parking spot) And even gave my friend a ride home after the concert - she also lives in suburbs.

I'll write more tomorrow - it's 2.30 a.m. now at my place.

Thank you all for support! You are awesome)