MidnightBlue

Hi, all.

I got my thyroid hormone results - didn't turn out the right way either. My T4 hormone is below the level. I think it explains some of my fatigue and other minor issues I chose to "turn down" and, as usual, blame myself for them.

Why I am neglecting myself so much! For how long all these deep-wired idiotic thinking patterns rule my life and prevent me from taking care of myself! Arrrrrrrr...

Ok, going to make some calls to the hospital. I got a tip about a good thyroid doctor yesterday, so will try to make an appointment.

See you later.

Dee74

We're all a work in progress...I take better care of myself than I did before...I'm sure you're the same MB

D

venuscat

It sounds to me like you are on a mission to look after yourself now Midnight.
I guess it's still a little foreign to us.
But I hear you fighting for good health now; I'm sorry the results were not good.
I hope the specialist you find will be able to help you love.

In any case, sending you huge hugs.

V xx

MidnightBlue

Thank you lots, Dee and Venus)

Just called the hospital and made an appointment for tomorrow morning.

Honestly, anxious and scared - always anxious to see a new doctor, and...Ok, one minute at a time.

Venus - Sending you big hugs back, my friend!

Going to have some coffee. I think I deserve it)

See you.

MidnightBlue

Hi, friends)

Just back from the thyroid doctor.

She was so nice, and competent, and she didn't interrogate me about children!

She told me that she doesn't see a reason for a surgery, and it is more of interpretations by different ultrasound specialiests, but she didn't see much of changes and dynamics since last year.

Issues with hormones still to be resolved. I have to do the test again since she has doubts about accuracy of the current test's fugures.

Well, I think I can breath out for today, and take a weekend-break from these thoughts. Then I'll get back to all this on Monday.

Thank you so so so much for your support, friends!

It's so million times easier to go through this knowing that there are people who understand and care.

My best wishes to all.

Have a great weekend)

venuscat

Oh Midnight love, that is so good to hear.
A good specialist makes all the difference.

OK, as you said, time to relax now. ♥

Love V xx

Dee74

(((mb)))

d

Gilmer

I am glad you found a compassionate and competent doctor, MB! Really makes a difference to be heard and understood, doesn't it?

Mountainmanbob

please keep coming here as often as you can

local churches have Elders that are willing to help
possible monies for therapist or referrals

MM

Artoro

Hi MidnightBlue. I was just reading your opening post and immediately checked your profile. It was a relief to see that you were last active today!

This might sound strange but apart from the extremely painful message, which really hit home, I found your post extremely well written. No fuzz and melodrama, just saying the things you felt. You must have literary talents.

P.S. also love the message in your avator (and the model isn't bad either)

MidnightBlue

Thank you, Bob and Artoro)

Thanks to great support here I am in much better place now.

MidnightBlue

Hi, all.

Life seems to striking balance here providing not-so-good news following good news.

I've been to my female doctor today to get the full pictire to sort out my messy hormones issue, and they found myoma.

And this time, the doctor who made the ultrasound said that me not having kids should be the primal reason for this along with my thyroid issues

And my female doctor took a look at the thyroid ultrasound and gave her opinion that it's better to make puncturing. Come on!

They took hell lots of different test, so will figure out how to get my hormones and overall situation straight.

I am upset and low.

There's no need to rush with surgery about the myoma, but I will have to monitor it regularly.

But....but still I can't help noticing how different my reaction is to this news, how my perception has changed during sobriety and, since I started anti-depressants.

Yes, I feel low, and "not happy" to say the least. But I am not freaking out, not turning to wine, not even turning to sweets.

I am not beating myself up and not giving up on myself. I don't feel myself "worthless", "damaged goods", or whatever.

I will give myself some time to feel low, and then I will be back to action.

And I will be all right. Because I deserve it.

Thank you all.

It gives me so much strength - to know that there is a place where I can share all my concerns, and fears, and everything that is on my chest, and to know that I will be understood and supported.

See you, friends.

Have a nice day)

LDT

Wow MB.... You sound strong! That's awesome. I'm pleased to 'hear' the positive shift. To be able to deal with health issues rationally is definitely a gift of sobriety .

MidnightBlue

Thank you, LDT.

You are right - there's surely a positive shift.

I made it to the gym for a butt-kicking legs workout. 2 years ago I would crawl under the blanket with a bottle of wine and bunch of cookies and potato chips, and some other comforting food. Crying and thinking how unfair life is, and there's nothing good for me in the future.

Though I still think that life is unfair, and I don't see any "higher meaning" in suffering. There is no sense in suffering other than an attempt to justify its meaningless for a variety of reasons.

But that's the way life is - unfair, sometimes cruel, sometimes beautiful, a little bit of this, a little bit of that...

I felt really low on my way back from the gym, and when stepped into my apartment just burst into tears. And was standing crying for a while, in the hall, leaning against the wall, still wearing my raincoat. Because I was tired and felt some mixed feelings of grievance and deep compassion for myself. I felt like asking myself to forgive me for being so senseless and cruel, for ignoring signals by body was sending to me, for not listening to myself when I was hurt.

My biggest "sin" today was extra servings of my homemade protein paleo pancakes and ceshews.

My "distract-my-thoughts" treat for tonight will be Mayweather vs. Maidana fight. Haven't seen it yet.

Still feel low, but that shall pass. I know. It will.

Tomorrow heading for a massive blood work - testing like 10 hormones or so. But that will be tomorrow...

See you.

MidnightBlue

Hi, all)

Tomorrow all my tests will be ready, and I am having an appointment with my Doc.

I honestly don't know what to expect, and what kind of treatment I will need...

But...

I haven't felt any anxiety today. I haven't been scared. I've had a very good and productive day keeping tomorrow's worries for tomorrow.

And... that scares me.

Yeah, sounds insane - I am scared for not being scared.

I used to freak out and suffer from major anxiety when finding myself in situations like this. It was like "kick back" to some "higher power" to have some mercy on me, if it makes sense. Something like that.

It feels good but still so unusual, so "out of habit" to keep keep anxiety at bay...

Anyway...We'll see how I will deal with all this tomorrow.

See you)

Gilmer

Wishing you the best, MB! Sleep well!

Soberwolf

hope your feeling better soon midnight blue your an inspiration to many

me included

things always get better...eventually

Soberpotamus

Sounds like you are ready to deal with it That sounds sane to me. That's brave.

Mrrryah1

Ugh.

This is how I feel at 29 days sober.

If that's how I'm still going to feel at 506 days sober what is the point :|

I'd rather be drinking.

MidnightBlue

Hi, Mrrryah.

Good job on 29 days.

There were some reasons why I hit this at this time of sobriety - after finally gathering myself up to deal with tremendous and crippling wounds from the past. I used to numb this pain with wine.

Sobriety allowed me to have guts enough to face my deepest fears.

Then I hit the deepest crisis - yet another step to feeling better.

Being sober does not necessarily mean our life will stay a pink cloud forever, but it will surely help to get better life.

You take my word. And keep going. And never give up!