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506 days sober and feeing suicidal

Old 03-04-2014, 12:39 PM
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Thank you so, so, so much, my friends.

You are right - you are my family. Family that gives me unconditional love, something I never got in my life.

Riverbird - thank you a lot for taking time to give me details about indigent care program, but unfortunately I am not in the US. I am actually in Moscow, and here ER would hardly recommend me indigent care program.

Anyway, I am going to call my therapist tomorrow and arrange for one session, and to ask her for advice on the situation and recommend me where to turn for help and prescription.

And my best friend is coming this week (a few years ago she married a guy from another city and moved there). She stay here for a week and then go to Germany for her surgery. And this Friday we are going to Depeche Mode concert! I think it's quite a reason to hang on to this life for a while.

And, I think, I will probably take Hollyanne's advice about doing nothing for a couple of days. I mean stop desperately looking for solutions to fix everything in my life, stop beating myself up, just stop.

Thank you for keeping me afloat.

Love you.

Hope you'll have a great day)
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Old 03-04-2014, 01:09 PM
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We love you, MB. We'll be here tomorrow, too. Sleep tight!
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Old 03-04-2014, 02:02 PM
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Old 03-04-2014, 03:03 PM
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MB. I just want to put a note in here to tell you that I know how you feel. I've been feeling low (very) for the last couple of months also. But remember there are people who care about you. Perhaps you have a family? I keep going because I have a son who loves me. He would be devastated if I did something to hurt myself. I don't want to scare you but I think you're in danger. PLEASE seek some help. Just the act of telling this all to someone will help you if you can possibly drag yourself in there. I know that paralyzed feeling you're describing so well. I went to a psychiatrist. He's put me on medication. It seems to be helping. You could go to urgent care.

I wish you all the best. I don't know what to say except I understand and hope you find relief. Think about it. Do you really want to end your life or do you just want to feel better? I'm betting you want to live but you're in so much pain you can't think straight. Choose life. Go after the pain with a doctors help. Love to you, MB!
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Old 03-04-2014, 04:33 PM
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MidnightBlue, 506 days is FANTASTIC, congratulations. You've had enough power to stay sober all this time, so you are certainly not helpless by any stretch of the imagination, and that is proof that you can change. I am only beginning to overcome the expectations of "instant satisfaction" in everything I do that became hard wired into my brain from using chemical substance for decades. You are a well loved and needed friend here, rootin or ya.

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Old 03-04-2014, 10:09 PM
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Good morning my friend. And how are you doing today?

Thinking of you xxx
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Old 03-04-2014, 10:42 PM
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Good morning, Jeni)

I am feeling better today. Still quite low, but better.

Thank you all for kind words and care! Just can't thank you enough!
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Old 03-04-2014, 10:46 PM
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I'm glad you're feeling better MB

D
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Old 03-04-2014, 10:48 PM
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Originally Posted by MidnightBlue View Post
Thank you so, so, so much, my friends.

You are right - you are my family. Family that gives me unconditional love, something I never got in my life.

Riverbird - thank you a lot for taking time to give me details about indigent care program, but unfortunately I am not in the US. I am actually in Moscow, and here ER would hardly recommend me indigent care program.

Anyway, I am going to call my therapist tomorrow and arrange for one session, and to ask her for advice on the situation and recommend me where to turn for help and prescription.

And my best friend is coming this week (a few years ago she married a guy from another city and moved there). She stay here for a week and then go to Germany for her surgery. And this Friday we are going to Depeche Mode concert! I think it's quite a reason to hang on to this life for a while.

And, I think, I will probably take Hollyanne's advice about doing nothing for a couple of days. I mean stop desperately looking for solutions to fix everything in my life, stop beating myself up, just stop.

Thank you for keeping me afloat.

Love you.

Hope you'll have a great day)
Sorry I should know better than to assume that everyone is from where I am. I hope you're able to find something that works where you are. I'm glad you have good stuff happening on the horizon.
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Old 03-05-2014, 03:47 AM
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How are you feeling today, MB? Thinking about you and sending you positive vibes.
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Old 03-05-2014, 04:21 AM
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Hi, MB! Glad you are doing a little better today. You have been on my heart all night!
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Old 03-05-2014, 04:31 AM
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Hi, Carlos) Thank you for positive vibes/

I am feeling somewhat better, though still extremely low.

Thinking about dragging myself to a boxing class, but actually not sure. Not sure I have power enough to put on my "usual happy face" and joking with guys about my jabs and so on.

Just feel apathetic and overwhelmed with sense of guilt for "doing nothing" , for wasting my life...

Just sense of being of no value still overweighting all the kind words my friends here are saying to me...Like all this is just a pity and I can't really inspire anyone or whatever...

Sorry to be a downer again... I just hate myself so much at the moment...I keep measuring myself by standards deeply ingrained in me and get in the same trap again and again.

Can't reach my therapist at the moment. Probably she is abroad now.

Thank you all for concern
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Old 03-05-2014, 04:32 AM
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Thank you, Gilmer!

Your thoughts and support help me keep going)
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Old 03-05-2014, 04:38 AM
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MB - I am 402 days sober and have felt so low far too many times yet I am still here (shrug).

I have taken some extremely serious measures to try to end my life yet I am still here (shrug).

I don't know what the answer is but I know that being here and posting is better than being in that spot.

The best thing is to always believe that there is hope. And, in my case, I can certainly say that there IS HOPE

Life has most definitely not turned out the way I had imagined. However, I still have life. And many many more things besides. I am sending you as many positive vibes, wishes, prayers as I can muster that some of the low you are experiencing is lifted
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Old 03-05-2014, 04:51 AM
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Thank you so much, Feeling-good)
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Old 03-05-2014, 05:06 AM
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As I said, you do inspire me every day to go out and "get 'em." I am a healthier and more fit person largely because of you.

You have inspired me with many of the courageous posts you've shared on the Undies thread, too. Your perseverance in the midst of months of severe trials has been an inspiration in itself!

I say go to boxing. It's something you love that brings you joy. It might lift you a little bit, even if only for a minute here and there. Just smile at the cheerful guys. You don't have to have long chit-chat. It's OK to be a little quieter today.
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Old 03-05-2014, 07:00 AM
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MB Gilmers right ...go get em
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Old 03-05-2014, 10:12 AM
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I hope you go to boxing (or that you already went...time zones confuse me!). My boxing class is tonight and I love it. It's hard for me to get myself there sometimes but I always feel better after. I tell them (sort of) jokingly that I really don't care if they teach me anything, I just want to hit ****! Seems to work, and I have actually learned quite a bit in the process.
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Old 03-05-2014, 10:32 AM
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Well, I'm just back from my boxing. It was just kind of a workout I needed today - not super intense, more about mastering technique, so I just focused on my movements. And there were just two of us today - so it didn't take a lot of energy to pretend I am feeling fine.

I am feeling better, but still feel the difference this time. The thoughts don't go away completely. Like "what the hell was I thinking". I am just feel numb at the moment.

I still can't reach my therapist. So I remembered I had somewhere contact of another therapist I used to see about my childhood issues, and called her. Unfortunately she is on sick leave at the moment, and can't see me till Monday the earliest. Actually she told me: "If it's not urgent, I will be back at work on Monday". Surely I didn't tell her that it may be urgent. I will hold on till Monday.

Gilmer - your post made me happy) thank you)

Snoozy - I am smiling)

Riberbird - great to meet another female boxing buddy here! When I started I didn't care much about what they were teaching me either. When the trainer told me something like "you should protect you chin, you should keep the head low, etc." - I thought " I am not going in the ring. Why do I need all this?"

Well, somehow I got to the point when I am sparring with guys now. Now I do understand why do I need all this defense! And my right cross got quite respected because it isn't bad!

Have a great workout tonight, Riverbird!

Thank you all a lot. I feel surrounded by good friends, and it gives me hope that some day I will see the light)
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Old 03-05-2014, 08:25 PM
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Originally Posted by MidnightBlue View Post
Riberbird - great to meet another female boxing buddy here! When I started I didn't care much about what they were teaching me either. When the trainer told me something like "you should protect you chin, you should keep the head low, etc." - I thought " I am not going in the ring. Why do I need all this?"

Well, somehow I got to the point when I am sparring with guys now. Now I do understand why do I need all this defense! And my right cross got quite respected because it isn't bad!

Have a great workout tonight, Riverbird!
Glad you made it to your boxing class. I got to mine too. I think I'm too much of a wuss to spar, but maybe some day. For now I like to hit stuff that doesn't hit back! lol But one of the guys who has held mitts for me a few times always talks about how great my right cross is (I think that's what it is...i only know them by number usually...again not as focused on the learning part...lol)...so it's funny you mention that.

My class was interesting tonight...usually I'm the only woman or one of the only ones, but today this whole group of new women came in and the class was almost entire female. Usually I'm by far the most out of shape one there but these ladies looked like they hadn't worked out in a LONG time! (I have lots of respect for them, they stuck it out and worked really hard all the way through, I'm just not used to seeing people more out of shape than me there). I'm also getting really excited because I can finally do a lot of the stuff I never could before...real pushups, jump rope double-unders, etc. I can only do a couple, but it still makes me happy since I couldn't do any of it when I started! Now I get to be the one telling the newbies that one day they'll be able to do it.

Ok sorry getting carried away! lol I agree it's exciting to meet another female boxer on here. You and my class have both made me happy tonight!
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