MidnightBlue

Hi, all.

Some of you, maybe, know me from posting on other threads. I've never posted on this one, but recently I've been feeling extremely depressed and low.

I know that the most proper way is to go to see a specialist...But I can't... I mean, I can't bring myself to do this.

I have a good therapist, but currently can afford sessions with her because of my terrible financial situation.

And the mere idea of going to a strange again, telling again my life story, exposing my pain again to someone who I don't know, makes me even more suicidal.

To tell the truth I don't believe I would do this, but this idea becomes more and more appealing to me. Yesterday I even started to look for a notary to write my will.

The idea that I can end this gave me some peace, stopped anxiety for some time.

I still can be positive and strong, but I fell like I am running out of my strength, courage, and positivity.

I hate myself, hate my life, hate my helplessness to change my life. Hate the fear that doesn't matter what I am doing and what progress I make, still terrifies me when I face even the smallest life issue and communicating with other people.

I've lost the point of living. I don't believe any more that something good is waiting for me. And I don't feel power to live and fight any more. I feel only the darkness ahead. So, what's the point when to face darkness?

Sorry for this. But that's the way I feel. And I don't see a way out right now.

Thank you for listening to me.

Dee74

MB

I'm really sorry you can't afford to see anyone right now. I hope that will change soon.

The important thing is to realise that these feelings will pass. They are not the way things will always be.

Things do change, and so do we.

In my twenties I was full of despair and self hatred - now in my forties I see that things are not at all like I feared thy would be...and I'm glad I'm here to be looking at turning 50 in a couple of years.

Try and think of the good things in your life - and think of the high regard you are held in here.

All your friends here want you to take care of yourself. Whatever is hol,ding you back from seeing a specialist, I hope you can work through it.

Sometimes we need that external perspective to help guide us into safe harbour.

Please do take the time to look through this link. There's reading there, and articles by people who speak much better than I do.

There's a list of international helplines too.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ease-read.html

I hope you'll find some hope in there

please - take care MB.
D

shi

i know exactly how u feel. i have even gone to the extent of swallowing a whole bottle of anti-depresants. but i will tell you 1 thing for sure; life is a GIFT. It is given to us by our Higher Power. My higher power has shown me that life is beautiful, but i have to renew my mind to know that bcoz if i dont it seems worthless. i and u have a purpose in this life and life is therefore not meaningless. PLIZZZZ talk to ur Higher Power coz i will talk to mine for you. Mine is Jesus and for sure, He has given me peace, unconditional love and joy. He sure will give it to you to if u ask. ok? it shall be well and remember: THIS TOO SHALL PASS..... WHAT WILL PASS? THESE FEELINGS........love from Africa....

Jeni26

MB...I'm at work and on my phone, and I've no real time to respond.

I hardly ever check SR at lunchtimes now, but something led me here today.

Please message me. There is always always hope. Nothing stays the same forever. I've felt as you do now..many times. I've found my way out.

I care about you. Lots of us do. You are not alone xxxxxxx

Love you girl

Jeni26

MB....

I'm about to go and work with one of the more troubled kids in our school. He is as tall as me and twice as wide. I'm taking him swimming to try and help him expel some of his energy in a more acceptable manner rather than destroying the classroom!! I'd rather stay and chat to you, but he won't be happy if I cancel our 'date'.

MB...for years I spent every evening sitting on my own lost in my own little world. I felt despair and I planned my suicide down to the last detail. Every day I woke up thinking that it might be my last. The thing that stopped me was knowing that my actions would hurt somebody else, I didn't want that but I didn't want to be here either.

Please go and see your Doctor. Do it today. There is no need to struggle like this, medication helped me find my feet so that I could tackle some of the deeper issues.

And now I've really gotta go, but I'm thinking of you lots ok. I will message you later. Promise. xxx

aasharon90

I found out that when I got into recovery
I had a purpose in life. A purpose to share
all the knowledge and tools of recovery
that was passed on to me to others struggling
with addiction like I was.

I learned that I can't keep what I have, which
is the happiness, joy and freedom Ive acquired
in sobriety, if I don't pass it on, on how I got it
to others.

This purpose is the diving force that helps
me remain sober each day.

During my learning process, early recovery,
I started out small by baking and bringing
food to all my meetings. This allowed me
to suit up and show up to open my ears and
absorb how many before me learned how to
stay sober for long periods of time. I listened,
learned, absorbed all the messages of hope,
and willingness with an openmind, then applied
it to my own life.

Im 23 yrs sober and im still learning newer
ways to keep what Ive enjoyed thru the promises
as stated in the Big Book of AA. I continue to
learn for you to pass it on to others.

I use AA to help me remain sober.
I use my physicians for health always being
open and honest with them about my addiction
and recovery making sure nothing is given to
me that is narcotic or habit forming.
I use my Faith for spiritual progress.

SnoozyQ

MB , I'm so sorry you are iin such pain sweetheart.

I agree with Jeni and Dee . The only way i started to get better was when i finally saw someone .

I don't know what country you are in or how you health system works , but you are a priority.

Life sux so bad for you now , but it wont always feel this way .

Like Jeni , i planned my funeral , details , songs etc ...but the thing that held me back was my kids and how unfair it would be to the people who loved me .

At the time , i thought they would be better off .

You are such a beautiful person MB . You have so much to give to others ..
I'm wondering if you are on any meds as you sound severely depressed.

There honestly is help out there and i promise you that you wont always feel this way ..

Do you have a close family member you can share with ?

Please message me if you need to , i hate it that you feel this way xxxxxx

Much love ,

Wendy xx

Astro

I can't add much to what everyone else has shared. I've spent a few days in a mental hospital. I've planned my suicide more times than I care to remember. I've spent countless days staring at the ceiling and just wanting life to end.

But what Dee shared is so true. Life changes, and we change with it. I will never again feel the way I'm feeling right now. But that change had to come from within, I had to want it and had to reach out for help when my anxiety and depression was crushing me.

I had to start with sunlight. Forcing myself to get outside and sit in the sun, and say hello to people as they passed by. I had to go to AA meetings whether I wanted to be there or not. I started going to church and attending bible study. I had to get active, to give of myself and my time, to be of humble service.

The way we feel at some moments will pass. I'm 9 years sober and I still have feelings of despair, in fact I'm feeling that way now after being verbally beat up by my father yesterday. But I've got work to do to support a loving family, and later on today I'll make it a priority to get to a meeting and get some serenity in my life.

The last 9 years have shown me that a power greater than myself has a purpose for me. The plan unfolds every day, I just have to go along with it and trust in the process. I'm pretty happy with life, it's an amazing experience. Trust me, you don't want to miss out on what's in store for you

LDT

MB.... I am also your friend. I can't say I understand exactly how you feel, but I definitely know despair and hopelessness. There were long, traumatic months where I felt " Is this all there is?" I couldn't escape my past....still have trouble with it some days ( as you know ).

What I do know for a fact is that we can all get well. Dee is right....these feelings will pass. And we MUST have faith in that. A brighter day lies ahead for you. You have a lot of people here that support you and will walk and talk you through anything. Please use us. PM me any time. I'm here for you.

IWLSAST

Dear MB,

I am so sorry that you are feeling so down. I hope it goes without mention your knowing how much we Undies love and care about you.

Well, you may have read it before with different words, in a different context on the Undies thread. In fact, I don't know if telling you this story now will help or not? All I do know is that I have a real peace now, where just 10 months ago I was in a fetal position in bed daily, just hoping I would just die already.

Fact is, I understand how you feel. I have no idea about degrees of depression, but I was diagnosed with chronic depression just last June 3rd. That combined with my chronic relapsing patterns with alcohol prompted my therapist to tell me I had little chance of recovery. That's right, a therapist told me that. One that I had been off and on lying to in no small part for a few years. She finally saw through me, but lacked the power to help me, alone. It took a couple months on Zoloft, daily support on SR, offering the naked truth to her finally once a week ( I learned in AA that we are only as sick as our secrets), and the love and guidance I found in the rooms of AA. You see, I had proven that I could stop drinking on my own, or with the help of SR for periods...but fighting these diseases I eventually always ended up on the losing end. It wasn't until I surrendered that things really began to change for me. I did surrender to God, but I had little to no faith at the time. So at 60 years old I finally decided to embrace a 12 step way of life that offered not only a way to not drink, but much more importantly, a way to have peace and serenity in my life. As it turns out, having peace and just focusing one day at a time has not only saved my life, but given me reason upon reason to finally live life joyous, happy and free. I don't own this feeling...I must request it daily and continue to look for ways to give it away or I can't keep it.

My overall point is that it might take three, four, five factors in concert to right your ship...get to like, then love the REALLY BEAUTIFUL, TALENTED, CARING, CREATIVE, COMPETITIVE person that we see. Keep trying anything that offers hope. Recovery from our diseases requires a "WE" concept. It simply cannot be done alone. Do you remember how happy and upbeat you were following that concert (or dinner?) you went to with a friend recently. Your post following that event was the real you. Keep searching, be diligent and you will find meaning in life. Then your purpose in life can be to pass that success formula on!

xxoo Carlos

One of the first things said to me at an AA meeting was, "keep coming back (of course, that is the preface to everything AA...lol) and we will love you till you learn to love yourself. That really threw me a loop. So keep posting and we will offer hope till you find it!

MidnightBlue

Thank you, friends, so much for your support.

Though I feel quite ashamed for posting this, the pain of keeping this inside was and still is too much at the moment. I followed the links Dee posted (Thank you, Dee), and there was phrase which described exactly what I feel "
Suicide is not chosen; it happens when pain exceeds resources for coping with pain".

My resources are depleted and dry. And my mind understands all the great thoughts and advice that have been provided here, but my spirit does not respond to anything; and my feelings feel nothing.

Unlike others, what holds me is not the thoughts of pain that my death can cause to other people - I have no family and a few friends. It sounds ironical, but what holds me is hatred. I have no relatives at all - no husband, kids, father, mother - no one. But technically I have a "close relative" - my brother. The person who is in charge of the most painful wounds from my childhood, and with whom I was fighting of our real estate property, etc. When I think that he will inherit my newly acquired apartment gives me spike of strength to hold on to life "No way this monster will get anything else from me!". Sad, but truth.

My best (and actually only) friend is facing a surgery in two weeks - she is getting a tumor removed from her brain. So, I can't share my thoughts with her. It's just... I feel guilty for not wanting to live...

I am not on any meds, exercising regularly...just something broke inside and again I am at the point where I have no idea how to start fixing my life.


I am so extremely grateful to you all for your concern and care.

Thank you.

Hollyanne

I feel for you so much Midnight.
I know the feeling.
I will suggest that you just do nothing.
Nothing will do no harm.
This sh(tty feeling is hideous.
So, here's a hug.
A big virtual hug.

Gilmer

You might ask your friend if she is up to hearing a real cry for help from you. She might be eager to get her mind off her own medical situation--plus, a true friend is always ready to help. She sounds like a true friend. Maybe in this true emergency you could borrow the fee for one session with a psychiatrist, who would prescribe medication. That was the difference between night and day for me.

Usually I try to be positive and full of love--but in this case at this time, I say, "Embrace the hate!" if it keeps you hanging on! .

Everybody here loves you, MB. You have been a huge inspiration to me. For the past 2 1/2 months I have been on a sensible eating plan--and even more miraculous, I've been FAITHFULLY EXERCISING! I listen to music while walking on a steep incline on the treadmill. One of the songs I walk to is "Eye of the Tiger" by Survivor. It is cheesy, but I have always loved it. it was the theme song for the movie Rocky III, which is about radical boxing! I always think of you and your enthusiastic boxing and am inspired every day on the treadmill!

You add so much to my life and to everybody else's life here on SR. I will pray that the Lord arranges circumstances--miraculously if necessary--to see a doctor.

Meanwhile, share your burden with your best friend. We love you!

courage2

Midnight, I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I've been seriously, suicidally depressed a couple of times in my life and it was coming back. I thought it was my nature, my fate, whatever, and wouldn't seek help. Finally last month I saw a specialist. The meds are helping a lot -- they don't take away my personality, they just lift some of a weight that was holding me back.

I do hope you'll see a doctor. You don't have to live this way!!!!

Riverbird

Use that hate to make a change! Anger doesn't have to be negative. It's a genuine emotion in response to being hurt. I went through a long time where I was so depressed I struggled to get out of bed. What got me going was imagining that as I stood up I was stomping on the people who hurt me. In essence I was. Every step I took towards healing showed them that as hard as they may have tried, they couldn't break me because my spirit was strong.

I don't know your story, but add me to the list of people who went from planning my suicide to finding happiness and being so, so grateful to be alive. Just a few years ago I wanted nothing more than to be dead. Today that terrifies me because I just hate to think I would've missed what I have now.

I totally relate to the money issue, but please find someone to talk to. I don't know if you're an AA person but going to meetings is a big part of what got me through since I couldn't afford to see a professional. Drinking makes us numb...sobriety without some new way of coping can be just as dangerous as being drunk, in my opinion. You've got lots of great offers here of people to talk to but add me to the list if you want. I can listen without judgment and I'm happy to share my story of what worked for me.

Thinking of you.

SnoozyQ

Sweetie , i really think Meds will change your life . They make you cope . Nothing was right with my mindset until i went on ADs

They are not addictive and don't change who you are . They just make you feel like you again.

Bless

LDT

Your friend needs you, Midnight....so do we.... . I know we have all met online through this wonderful forum, and have "virtual friendships" , but I believe we are all profoundly connected on levels I've never been able to reach with my real life friends...... You have friends and family, Midnight. That's US. . If money permitted, I'd hop on a plane to see you. I hope it's enough for now for you to know I HEAR you.

Jeni26

LDT is SO right. We are family

tootsl1

MB, you know how I feel about you my dear friend, I am so sorry that you are going through this, and that you feel you are alone you have genuine friends here who care, and who want you to feel better. I know how tough it has been for you over the last months, you have gone through so much, all at the same time, and to have to stop your therapy before you have reached any kind of resolution is not going to have helped.

I hope you feel able to reach out once more to get help, I found medication has made a huge difference to my equilibrium but almost as big a relief was that I was take. Seriously by the doctor, and not told to 'pull myself together'

Please, please honey, remain strong for a little longer, get help and then allow that help to do its work. Love you sweetie x

Riverbird

I thought about it a bit more and just wanted to add to my earlier post that even though I mentioned talking to someone and AA I totally agree with everyone that meds can be life changing as well. I know mine are.

Look in to indigent care programs in your area. Depending on your financial needs that can cover a lot. For me it covered my entire hospital stay, plus a year of doctor visits and prescriptions. (I had to pay a small amount for some of the doctor stuff but nothing like what it would normally cost). It allowed me some time to find the right meds without having to worry about repeatedly paying for new prescriptions and all that. It's not medicaid...it's a more locally based program, though medicaid can be good too. Also remember, if all else fails there's always the ER. That's how I found out about the indigent care program. Prior to that it was a painful battle of not only accepting within myself that I needed help, but then having to fight to be able to get it. It was one of the toughest times in my life.

Anyway I just wanted to let you know that I definitely support medication, or at least talking to a doctor. I understand if you don't want to share location on here, but if you want to message me with a general area I can get some more specific info for you. (Assuming you're in the US...if you're not in the US I got nothin...lol).