Elseware

MB that is wonderful news! I hope you begin to feel better soon. Sometimes it takes a little while for it to start working so look for "spring" to start happening because I know it will. Feeling better sort of comes on gradually. Don't ever give up. I didn't and I'm much better. I am so proud of you. You are incredibly strong.

MidnightBlue

Ok, my friends.

I am starting my anti-depressants tonight.

I feel a little bit scary - a lot of people wrote about side effects, when they woke in the middle of the night with heart chasing, etc. (sounds a little bit familiar, doesn't it?))

I hope my body will adjust ok to it.

Wish me luck)

P.S. Over and over again I am amazed at how great support is here. Just one week ago I was in the terrible emotional state. And now I've seen a doctor and have my meds, and starting my way out of depression.

Love you all)

Elseware

MB, you'll be fine! If anything weird happens or you don't like it you don't have to take it. You will be fine. Call the doctor if you have any concerns over the next few weeks. Your doc is there to help you and will help you. I know plenty of doctors and every one of them cares about their patients.

MidnightBlue

Thank you, Else)

Though I was wide awake by 4.30 a.m., I feel just fine. Hope it will go that way.

Jeni26

Hi MB...in a rush this morning..just wanted to say how pleased I am that it worked out this way...

Please give the medication time to work..it usually takes weeks not days to settle into your system.

Wishing you well my special friend xx

MidnightBlue

Hi, all)

I am staying in bed almost all day today, but it's kind of good one. I am taking one business at a time. So in the morning I went to the guy who had borrowed me money, and gave him part of my debt.

I was still too exhausted to talk, so on my way I was trying to figure out how to cut out small talk, and not being rude. He is a nice person, and just expresses concern about how I am doing. But I can't explain to him my whole story, and go into details about major depression, etc.

But the Universe took it in its hands) He was so busy at work that told me: "Sorry, I am so pressed for time right now. Not even a moment to talk to you". I almost screamed silently "Greeaaaat!".

So, I am doing nothing, and finally enjoying it. Without feeling guilty.

The doctor actually prescribed me two meds - one, which is essential for treatment, is for long-term action, and it will take some time for it to start working. And another one, which reduces anxiety, fear, and panic. It's for a short-term period, and has almost immediate action.

Apparently it has "switched off" my head a little bit. I am feeling so pleasantly numb. I am even a little bit afraid - what if it's just kind of self-deceptiveness. My mind if finally taking a break from ever-going torturing whirl.

The doctor told me that this med gives immediate relief from anxiety, but I was very skeptical about that. Honestly, I am still scared to believe that.

And what is weird, in the morning, when lying with my eyes closed, I felt like colors are coming back to me again. I saw blue color which was deep, juicy, and "alive".

I am following my therapist's advice to treat it like a real sick leave, and being attentive about how my body feels.

I feel side effects - my reaction got slower, so I am taking it easy. The doctor told that it takes a few days for reaction to get straight again, and it's better to refrain from driving, and other things that require good reaction. No problem with that. I don't feel like doing anything anyway.

I watched a comedy today - the first time in like ages. The Pacifier starring Vin Diesel. Such a nice family moovie for kids) I giggled like an idiot. And liked it.

My, I want to stay in this kind of mood forever. At least at the moment I feel like this. Some "logic" part of mind or, ego, or whatever, tries to "unbalance" me telling that I should "get going" and think about what I am going to do to solve all the issues I have in my life.

I told it: "Once my body and mind is cured and healed, I will be ready to take care of my issues and situations. I will regain my real strength. I will develop a new, better vision, and will solve it in more efficient way to my best benefit. And now...I am just grossly wounded. And my primal goal is to survive."

Hugs to all. See you later)

MidnightBlue

Off to buy some coffee) Skipping workouts today, so a long walk would be good.

Gilmer

You're doing exactly the right thing. Treat it like a real sick leave and watch enjoyable movies! I'm so glad the anxiety pills have helped immediately. Sounds like this doctor's really competent!

MidnightBlue

Thank you, Gilmer)

I agree, sounds like the doctor knew what he was doing. Though I was so tired and exhausted when talking to him, that didn't believe he would help.

I know, there's still a long road ahead to get out of this mental mess. But - one day at at time. Right?

HeadLump

So, so pleased, MB! And so proud too. WTF - it works!

Elseware

((((MB))). So proud of you for taking the steps to get yourself some help. I know it was hard. You were very brave.

MidnightBlue

Hi, all)

Had a good sleep, woke up at about 6 a.m. Smiling)

I think I need to work out some program out of depression along with meds. Do meditation on regular basis, and other things. Since I am seeing public doctors, and can't enjoy constant every week sessions, I have to be proactive, I believe.

One step at a time though.

courage2

MB, I'm sorry I kind of lost track of you recently. I'm so glad to hear that you've been seen by someone who can prescribe you medications for depression, and hope what you're taking works for you! Medication -- I'm on something for anxiety & something for depression -- has been a game-changer for me. I still have mood issues but they are much, much more manageable. I still have alcoholic thinking patterns but I can recognize them. I also use exercise, meditation, SR and AA.

I wish you the best!

MidnightBlue

Thank you, courage)

And you won't believe what I FELT LIKE doing this morning - dishes!

So, doing dishes now and listening to beautiful jazz.

Please, tell me it will last)

Jeni26

So glad to hear you are looking after yourself...do what you feel able to do.

And keep smiling, it looks good on you xx

MidnightBlue

Hi, all)

Meds are kicking in and I feel really sloooooow. I was at boxing today, and after doing some exercises for balance that requires good work of vestibular system, I felt just dizze and somewhat "lost". We had kind of "light" workout today, which is good for me.

I feel so sleepy, that going to call it a day and have a good sleep)

Have a good Friday, my friends)


Jeni - I hope your meetings went well and you can breath out and enjoy your weekend now)

HeadLump

Sleep well, MB. You deserve it after everything you've achieved this week. Badass or what!!!???

hopeful4

MB, I have followed this thread and am so so happy to hear you are doing well! It is excellent you have found some medication to help you. I agree you should be proactive. Not just you, we all should. Medication can help, but we can also help ourselves by exercise, meditation, breathing, all sorts of things. I know you exercise and it does help, that is super great.

I wish you a very happy and peaceful weekend! So glad things are looking up for you!

courage2

MB, my psychiatrist said that in the first few weeks I might yawn a lot & feel tired. He said, it's ok, just have some coffee LOL. I like him because even tho he's a shrink, he doesn't overanalyze. Then after a few weeks I started to notice some funny kind of headaches, which I also talked to him about. That went away by about 2 months. I've been on the anti-d's about 4 months now and have no side effects anymore that I'm aware of. Good luck to you!

MidnightBlue

Hi, friends)

Yesterday I just absolutely zonked out. I made 20 minutes meditation, and was going to be "not perfect" and watch a little bit of a moovie before falling asleep. I usually watch some - it helps be to drift from daytime reality to sleep. And also I've been always worried about the day to come, and not expecting anything good, that not falling asleep was a kind of a way to delay the morning to come.

This time I felt my body so pleasantly heavy, and all my thoughts silenced, that I was not afraid to start a journey that lies between the darkness and the morning. And flashing of TV screen was actually irritating me. So I turned it off, and immediately fell asleep.

Today though I should get my earplugs ready) It's hot, and I keep the window open, and the noise of a nearby road and young people having fun late at night kept me waked up for a while).

The birds are singing loud. I can hear them now. Actually right now some little thing is just warbling. Seems for the first time I wonder - what is it?

I am still feel somewhat scared - what if, say tomorrow, my body will be adjusted to this med with immediate action, it will stop working, and I will return to my "normal" depressed state.

I've also started noticing my ususal way of thinking. Once I start feeling better, I feel obliged to do as many things as possible, packing my day up with actions, and acting till I am totally exhausted. Honestly, not even acting often, rather fussing around, just not to beel guilty for doing "nothing".

I remind myself not to rush. Three days ago, when I started taking meds, I had a huge pile of dirty dishes in my sink, and total mess in the kitchen. Well, total mess in the apartment overall. I started doing dishes bit by bit. Taking 5 and ten minutes. Today I've done them all)

I am learning to treat myself gently, withouts clumping and punishing around for not doing things "fast enough, perfect enough, normal enough".

Not slapping myself for smiling amist total chaos.

And, finally, being patient with myself.

Have a great weekend, my dear friends.

See you later)