Soberwolf

Thinking of you M xx

MidnightBlue

Hi, friends. Thank you so much for support.

Today's first half of the day was tough. In the morning I just sobbed violently and couldn't get myself together, and barely made it in time for work. When I left home I felt so shattered that walked slowly because my attention just was somewhere else and I was afraid to cross the streets and so on.

At work a couple of times I was on the verge of breaking into tears, which the last thing I needed considering I still have the high priority project on my hands.
Luckily my boss is back . He actually got back on Friday, but on his way back from business trip he had recurrence of his old knee trauma and had to make an emergency trip to hospital where they told him that there was something wrong with the meniscus. When his secretary told me that I was like "Nooooo! Not again alone with this project".

Somehow he made it back to work today and even walks pretty decently. I hope he'll be ok. I have to admit, selfish part plays considerable role here - I feel more comfortable with his guidance.

It got better later in the day.

I think crying that hard, finally accepting all the pain instead of denying it was cathartic. Probably, breaking through another level of recovery. One more step up to freedom from the darkness.

Beckindalways - I use a regular ring-bound notebook for journaling - kind of where I can take out sheets. Like this. It works for me. As for this kind of journal you are referring, I first was introduced to it by Tim Ferris while listening to his podcast. I will post the link when I remember where it is.

I have to admit I have huge issues with word "gratitude" because it can serve as a double sword, particularly for a depressed person.
But it is a topic for a separate and long post.

For now I use all kind of replacements like "what good happened. What brought me smile, etc."



See you all later)

BTW, while being almost late for work I practiced my gameful mindset today - replaced "Oh, I am late, life sucks, etc" with an image of myself as an athlete who is covering the distance. Saved myself nerve cells and didn't feel like a loser)

Bekindalways

Glad you made it through the day Midnightblue. This grief does sound rough but I am so, so hoping it will break you out of the depression.

I look forward to your thoughts on gratitude. I had to get honest with myself before I could really practice gratitude. I can't honestly feel grateful for a warm bet and a roof over my head as these thoughts just make me feel badly for folks who don't have this. Also, I feel badly I don't feel better since I'm a depressive. Maybe that is the double edged sword you mentioned Midnightblue.

I hope tomorrow goes okay for you.

Soberwolf

Bekindalways

Putting on my Gym Socks.

silentrun

Hi MDD.

Bekindalways

Hope you are hanging as tough as possible Midnight.

I've been having a tough time of late. The above mentioned gym socks were a precursor to getting some serious exercise as this can beat the depression back a bit and it did indeed help.

MidnightBlue

Hi, friends.

I am still hanging tough but it's been extremely difficult to do recently.

I've slipped out of game mindset and I noticed the difference - depression hit me back. This unnecessary seriousness about everything is a vicious accomplice of depression.

I need to be gamefull. Big time.

My hugs to all.

Hold on friends.

We still have each other )

Soberpotamus

Hugs, MB.

xoxo

Bekindalways

Argh Midnight!!! I was so wishing that your recent grief was a path out of depression.

Keep breathing. We are here.

Soberwolf

Thinking of you x

MidnightBlue

Hi, friends.

I am still here.

You know, it appeared way to harder as I thought to re-wire myself into a gameful state of mind. Stop looking at every bump on the road, as a tragedy. Stop carrying the world on my shoulders. Honestly it evokes very bitter feelings - so many years stolen from me because like a proverbial Atlas I've been standing with the burden being mortally afraid to make a non-approved move and believing that the world will crash. It will not. And realizing this I often feel this helpless anger. Raving anger.

Don't hurry to attack anger though. Anger can be good - if treated properly it can lead to the source of pain where it fountains from.

I still beat myself up on a daily basis - for not being "enough". Productive "enough", organized "enough", beautiful "enough", successful "enough"... Enough, enough, enough...

I am still up to my ears in debts - paying it out but past mistakes have a very pricy tag.

Today I stopped for a moment and thought that probably I have something I can say to myself "good for you".

I've come across a great quote the other day , that it is not outcome per se that counts most, but the quality of effort put into achieving this.

Quality of effort.

So, what is my quality of effort today? Is it better than yesterday?

Though this nasty voice keep chiming in immediately with unsolicited comments: "Oh, here we go. Some smart arze told you about quality of effort. If you are so smart, why are you still in such an financial ar$$$?"

Emotions have been roller coaster lately . Crying, depression, catching the thread of hope which keeps sleeping away. Panicking in emotional darkness. Doubting myself.

At present my quality of effort is about building up values which can not be taken from me. Like my boxing - not because of boxing, but because it helped to develop traits of character I was never aware of. And now they are just part of my reality. Even if the world collapses, they are still part of me.

Writing. The same. Even more. It less dependent on physical health.

Both activities are emotionally hard because there is no direct circuit "action - society approved benefit". Quite the opposite, I'd say.

So, my efforts for this weekend:

- wake up at 5 a.m. , just like on any other day of the week;
- 20 minutes of meditation - just on any other day of the week;
- about 10 minutes of my morning exercises to warm me up and set in the right mood for the day: 3 minutes of plank, 10 push ups, 10 squats, 5 minutes of boxing moves. Just like on any other day of the week.
- Then a cup of tea, and straight to my writing projects.
- Healthy breakfast.
- More on my projects.
- Taking care of errands.
- Preparing healthy meals for the upcoming week. I always bring my lunch to work.
- 2 hours boxing workout yesterday.
- Planning for the upcoming week.
- Apartment cleaning;
- Staying within the budget for groceries shopping.
- Did I forget something? Probably.

Looking at this list my logic says that I deserve a couple of "good for yous'.

And still the hardest part is to silent this smirking invisible non-existing jerk who poison-talks "And? What's the point of all this? ".

Hugs to all.

silentrun

Hugs back MDD! Thank you for the update. I just watched this and wanted to pass it along.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z86f...&nohtml5=False

Bekindalways

Thanks for this video Silentrun. I might watch a few more of these.

Midnight, I make a "Done List" almost everyday. It helps to a certain extent.

Argh, that silent smirking jerk who asks, "So what is the point of all this?" Does sound pretty poisonous. Yuck.

You have fought this thing for so long. Has anything helped just a teeny little bit?

Please keep fighting and posting.

Soberwolf

Have a nice day Midnight

Dee74

Looks like you might need a part 2 MB
Join us here gang

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ays-sober.html

D