Lost2011

So i know looking at his social
media isn’t productive but I did and he is now listed as “in a relationship” with this girl. I am completely gutted by this. I did so much for this man and he left me like I am trash.

ToughChoices

Ugh.

You are not trash. He has a warped view of life. Nothing magical has occurred to change him into a caring, responsible, mature, loving, sober man. You deserve good love, and he cannot provide it.

She is willing to accept the drugs, paranoia, infidelity, unemployment, unkindness, and irresponsibility for now. She has some issues (I mean, we ALL have some issues, but her acceptance of his nonsense puts hers on full display right now). Your refusal to accept his nonsense puts your self-love on display. It's normal to still have FOMO. But remind yourself of reality.

You are on the right path.

Lost2011

Thank you for this. I needed to hear it. Hopefully I can start to believe it.

ToughChoices

Affirmations work!!! Say 'em in the mirror!!!!

"I am growing through this experience."
"I am leaving behind old patterns of pain and learning new ways to experience love and joy."
"I am worthy of giving and receiving good love."

bell hooks writes, in all about love, that love is "the will to extend one's self for the purpose of nurturing one's own or another's spiritual growth. Love is as love does. Love is an act of will - namely, both an intention and an action. Will also implies choice. We do not have to love. We choose to love."
According to this definition of love, the only loving thing to do for this man is to separate yourself from him. Supporting addiction is stomping out someone's spiritual growth. It also stomps all over your own spiritual growth. It is loving to you and loving to him to refuse to participate in his mess. His new relationship has yet to learn about real love. She is getting some kind superficial affirmation from him, but it will not feed her soul.

You know what a starved soul feels like. It will kill you.

Keep loving.

Lost2011

Thank you. I appreciate all your kind words. They really do help. I am trying to muster up the energy to shower and get moving but having difficulty. Ugh.

trailmix

You know, I've seen this same thing said several times on these forums. Thrown away like trash.

I really hope you can stop that train of thought. ToughChoices mentions affirmations, I hope you will try them.

He didn't throw you away, he went after his drugs, those are two different things. The outcome, for you (being abandoned) is the same, but he wasn't running from you, he was running to cocaine.

To really grasp that, you may want to learn about addiction (for you, not for him). This will help you going forward as well as you will have to deal with him.

Even if drugs weren't involved, couples do break up, that doesn't make either person "less", it just means they are incompatible, for whatever reason.

No, she doesn't have some shiny new version of him. He is still the drug taking, gun carrying, paranoid, angry man he was a couple of weeks ago. Sure it's easier now, she probably uses too, at the very least she is willing to put up with him - for now. The beginning of a relationship is easy. How long will she be willing to support him? How long before she realizes he is using her? More will be revealed there.

I don't know if you have seen this from the stickies section at the top of this forum. This is what she has.

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ddicts-do.html (What Addicts Do)

Lost2011

Thank you. Again it made me cry. It’s like I know all this logically but my head is playing tricks on me. Questioning maybe his drug use wasn’t that bad? Maybe I am the problem? I am not perfect either. I know I am making excuses for him. Maybe this will get easier when I enter the angry phase.

trailmix

It will.

What you are feeling is, of course, completely normal. Over time, as his drug use progressed (addiction is progressive), you start making allowances. You have him telling you it's "not that bad" and you don't want to rock the boat and potentially make things even worse, so you start to downplay it.

The downplaying picks up as his addiction progresses, eventually it becomes the norm. This didn't happen overnight and it will take you a while to change your reaction.

None of us is perfect, maybe you screamed and yelled at him when he was high. Maybe you were really distressed at what he was doing. That doesn't mean you were wrong. Doesn't mean he is right.

It's also something seen often here - maybe it wasn't that bad, maybe he is right and I'm wrong. Maybe if I hadn't complained about it, he might have just had a bit on weekends and all would be well.

It never is.

trailmix

He is basically following well worn addiction patterns.

I'm not THAT bad

"Minimization and downplaying of the problems connected with addiction fill in the gaps and take up the slack left by the failure of psychotic denial to adjust reality completely to the requirements of the addiction. The addict admits that difficulties exist - but he stoutly maintains, frequently in the face of an astonishing and rapidly accumulating mountain of evidence to the contrary, that they are not really as bad as others make them out to be".

You're not so pure yourself

"Following the adage that "the best defense is a good offense" the addict seeks to turn the tables and distract attention from himself by "attacking the attacker," i.e. the individual who attempts to point out to him the reality of his addictive behavior. Under the spur of necessity to defend their addiction as they are, most addicts possess a keen eye and a sharp tongue for the shortcomings and faults of others - even as they deny or are indifferent to those of themselves. Thus the addict is often almost demonically astute at exploiting the vulnerabilities and Achilles Heels of those who, wittingly or unwittingly, threaten the continuance of his addiction".

Excuses Alcoholics Make

Lost2011

It’s just so disappointing to watch someone who you thought was great turn to ****. Maybe he was always **** and I didn’t see it. I am just reeling at the loss at this point. And confused about the quick discard. I mean if I am being honest in addition to this man being a drug user he was emotionally abusive as well. I couldn’t talk to men or have social media or wear certain clothes. He will do all this to her as well. Even though I know all this logically my pain is still there and I still feel like not enough. I wanted him to be a better man and father and he just isn’t and won’t be. We obviously don’t even share the same values. I am sad. He was also going to run me into the ground financially - I couldn’t count him, he had no interest in being a family man or helping me run the household.

Lost2011

It’s definitely a mind ****. I have a headache from it all. Even though we had problems I just didn’t see this coming.

trailmix

It's very easy to slip in to codependency when you are in a relationship with an addict. I hope you will read Melody Beattie's, Codependent no more.

As you said, he was emotionally abusive as well. Controlling, trying to control you. How did you feel about that? Did you feel horrified or you felt it was ok for him to make him feel more comfortable, or something else?

That kind of behaviour from him was never ok, people who are grounded and functioning well mentally, don't need that kind of control.

You can't change people. You might be able to get a partner to take out the garbage on Friday's - that can be achievable, but to have them change from being a not great husband and/or Father in to a better person is not achievable, unless of course THEY want to change.

You can't have a relationship with someone's potential. Well you can, but it doesn't turn out well.

Lost2011

His controlling made me feel terrible- like I was doing something wrong all the time. He had to read my messages and have passwords to my accounts. But i allowed it cause I too am messed up and thought it was a declaration of love and loyalty. But it was never enough - he accused me of cheating on him with other people all the time. Which is ironic cause who really was the cheater here. I know long run I am better off - it’s just the letting go part that really hurts right now. Letting go of the man and marriage I wanted but never go to have. Or maybe i had it briefly. I don’t know anymore - feels like it was all a lie. It’s feel like I wasted so much time on him.

Bookbuff

I feel you lost. For sure he put that on his social media for you to see, its not there by chance. He knows what he is doing.
we all on the board know his relationship and one true love is the cocaine, do yourself a favour and block him or deactivate social media for a bit. He is doing this to hurt you. Do not let him get the reaction he wants.
Truly, we co dependents get sucked in, im sorry for your pain. Happened to me too. I am off social media now and my head is all the better for it. B x

Lost2011

I feel you. It’s torture to see. I keep imagining that she has some better version of him. Even though i know it’s not true. They are probably using together for all I know. I supported this man through thick and thin - when he said jump i said “how high” and it meant nothing. I guess it serves as a lesson to me to no longer give my self so wholeheartedly to someone else. I came out a shell of myself and he is happy in love. I wonder what will happen when those rose coloured glasses come off. Is she going to buy his cigarettes while he sleeps on her couch all day? I did it for far too long.

trailmix

While you are still vulnerable with someone, it's dangerous (to you) to see this stuff. If you really want to see it, wait several weeks when you are feeling stronger, perhaps don't let him hurt you more?

You bent over backwards to try to please him, you changed yourself, that can't ever be good for you. It's going to take work but you can absolutely do it, to find yourself again. Ask yourself, what do I like? What do you want to wear, eat, talk about, watch on TV? Who were you before you met him? Oh and when you decide what you like to wear, I hope you will go out and at least buy yourself a new shirt or something you really like.

It won't be as hard as you think to get back there, but it will take a bit of time and a concerted effort to look after yourself. That's not selfish, that's good self care.

There is nothing you could have done to please him, you could have been an amazing breadwinner, excellent housewife, Mother Teresa to your children, the most cheerful supportive wife ever, it would never have mattered. He never wanted you to be anything specific, he just wanted to control you.

But that's him, it's time to focus back on yourself and what you want and who you are, then you will never let anyone control you again.

Bookbuff

Oh Lost, I have been there, and whats worse, I did it in two relationships. Honestly, when you take some time back, step away for a bit, get some space and clarity, you will see it for what it is. It sure is a shock to your system being in a relationship (even a bad one) for so long and then it ends, your brain gets conditioned to behaviours, you are probably suffering some PTSD now and a huge lifestyle change, so yeah, its normal to be emotional and feel as you do. I promise if you stick with this it will pass. You really do not want guns or drug dealers around your children or you.
get that melody beattie book, im sure your local library would have it. I also start doing things I used to love, id put all me on the backburner, burning myself out with addicts. No more. Some space has given me prespective. Its not easy but nothing worth achieving is, the only way through it is through it.
The end of a relationship is like a death so look up the 'stages of grief' there are 5 or 7 depending on the source. Its called grief because it hurts so much.
get on to an al-anon meeting if you can. B x

Lost2011

I feel you- I have neglected my own self care trying to manage this relationship. It still relay hurts but he is not my problem anymore and I am going to try to remember this. It’s his loss. I am also going to not look at his social media. She can have him - he brought nothing to the table anyways.

Bookbuff

Lost, no he brought nothing, and he will just be the same crazy addict there, the same energy, either she is an addict and they have common ground or she will figure out the truth when he shows his real self. Either way he is doing his own thing now. Take back your power, block, deactivate, find what you love and do it, small steps, things will improve but you have to work at it, do you really want to grow old with this person? Imagine 10 or 20 years down the line, cut your losses and put yourself and your children first. B x

trailmix

I really like what Maya Angelou had to say about protecting a place inside yourself. Her words have a bit of a religious bent, but the message, whether you are religious or not, is true I think.

https://youtu.be/aHvTWvKIPHo?feature=shared