Lost2011

❤️ thank you. You guys have no idea what this support means to me. I feel like I am crumbling under the weight of all this.

Lost2011

Apparently he is going to the house to try and get his truck running. I am hoping it an out of the driveway when I get home. I need every trace of him gone.

venuscat

s

Stay strong ❤️

Lost2011

Trying. I just want him gone.

Lost2011

Nights are hard. Sigh. I am resolved to not look at social media. It’s too painful and puts my mind in overdrive. His truck was still in my driveway when I got home. Annoying. I asked him if he would be towing it and he ignored me. I am no longer going to respond to any of his texts.

trailmix

Good idea. I suppose since he has no money he won't be towing it anytime soon.

If possible, try keeping yourself busy at night, binge watch netflix, read, talk on the phone, whatever you can think to do. It's not great to just avoid feelings, but sometimes, it's best to keep occupied when you are finding certain times really tough.

Lost2011

He has no money or very little anyways. He is counting on a short term disability claim coming in but I don’t think he will be successful at obtaining it so not sure what he will do. Not my problem I guess. He is only having health problems cause of his cocaine use. I feel so used. He is using this new girl too - no one falls in love that quick. Again not my problem but as you can see my obsessing about it hasn’t stopped.
ugh

edoering

Reading the codependency books REALLY helped me during the obsession phase. If you’re going to obsess anyway, may as well obsess over something useful for you that can help you understand what you’re going through.

For me, “Facing Codependency” by Pia Melody is the one that changed SO MUCH for me. That feeling, at first, where him leaving feels like you’re going to vomit, like you’ve been punched in the stomach, like you don’t know if you’ll ever stop crying? Codependency reaction (also a trauma reaction, but they can coexist, haha). It helped me let those moments pass through me without judgement after I read the books.

Why certain thoughts held power over me? Book helped. Then it got easier when those thoughts yelled in my brain to point at them and say “I know what you are! And you aren’t real.” And they lost power.

Plus, the reading gave me something to focus on that wasn’t pain, or going over and over the past.

Lost2011

Omg I know the exact feelings you are talking about. Like you are going to be physically ill. I will check out the books. At this point i know l need to work on myself . I let his drug use slide I wanted to be with him so bad that i let things go.
Things that I was uncomfortable with and that i knew were bad for my children even if they weren’t aware. I feel bad about it. Makes me feel
pathetic.

trailmix

I understand and what edoering is saying is so true. Reading things like facing codependency will give you comfort. Sometimes it seems like it won't, like writing the list of the negative things or journaling your thoughts, but they are ways of unloading things from your mind and in the case of reading helpful things, helps you to reframe those thoughts.

I mean sometimes it feels like you just want to hit your head on the wall and say can you be quiet please! lol - the reading and writing are just kinder ways to help clear your head and helps you going forward as well.

Lost2011

I can’t sleep. I hate this.

trailmix

My Sister told me about this, I usually have no trouble falling asleep but if I do, I use this:
.

1. Try repeating the words "Don't think" for 10 seconds. If nothing else, that should help distract you from thinking about whatever it is that might otherwise keep you awake.

I just keep repeating it slowly (I think keeping the slow part in mind is helpful, otherwise you can tend to speed up) until I fall asleep and I don't know if it would work for you, but it actually does work for me.

Use the Military Method to Fall Asleep Within 2 Minutes.

Lost2011

Well I got a couple hours at least. I will try that method. I have to keep reminding myself that I am choosing me and to not look at his social media. She can have his coke addicted ways he won’t be different for her.

Lost2011

I am grieving so hard even though I can recognize the relationship was very unhealthy. I have always struggled with change and tend to stay in bad relationships because it’s comfortable. I am trying to see this a blessing and a gift .

trailmix

Well it is a gift, but it might not seem like that for a while. I don't know how long you have been married, but imagine another 20 years of this. He just kind of sped things up, eventually something had to give. Eventually you would have distanced yourself so far from him there wouldn't be any relationship left, that's just kind of how it goes when you are in an abusive relationship.

You know, another way to think about it is that he didn't actually abandon you. Really you gave him a road map of how it needed to be (no drugs) and he couldn't accept that.

But it's also a gift because he is generally abusive and controlling.

Change is hard, ending a relationship is hard, this is particularly hard. It's also really tough if he has been the center of your world, him and more recently, his addiction/problems that come along with that. All of a sudden that is all swept away, you have been living in a tornado and now it's quiet. That takes getting used to.

You know the whole "working on yourself" thing, well that kind of sounds hard and like a lot of work. It might be, but it's great to get started. Reading one of the books suggested, writing down your likes and dislikes. Those things will make you feel much better, so it's "work" but it's not awful : )

In never asked what your home was like growing up, is there a history of addiction there? Dysfunction? You don't have to answer if you don't want to, of course.

Lost2011

There was no addiction. But there wasn’t a lot of talking about feeling - lots of sweeping things under the rug. One must be stoic. There was some mental health issues on my mothers part. I was always worried when she left the house she wouldn’t come back because she seemed so unhappy. I used to try and clean the house and be the best possible to prevent this from happening .

trailmix

Yes, the reason I ask is because children brought up with addiction around, or other dysfunction, then to have a very high threshold for poor treatment.

You were always trying to be the best, she might not leave it you were the angelic child. Kind of reminds you, maybe, of how you treated your AH? Aren't you glad your children won't have those same worries and fears.

When you grow up with that kind of thing it becomes the norm and it's not a nice feeling, but it's a comfortable, familiar one. It's also one you can break out of. There used to be a group just for Adult children of alcoholics, but they have now also added and dysfunction to the name, because the result can be so similar.

https://adultchildren.org/

Lost2011

Ya I have lots of problems. This isn’t my first rodeo with an abusive man. His abusive was more subtle than the other guy though. His drug addiction really changed his personality though. It was like I didn’t even recognize him anymore. I was ever hopeful he would return to me but I couldn’t keep up with his drug lifestyle. He also had these weird delusions about being a biker and he started gettting h.a. Supporter tattoos and it was very bizarre.

trailmix

He may have been using before you knew and he was probably using much more than you knew. Lying is so very common to protect the addiction.

Lost2011

Likely. I am still reeling. How can someone spend 5 years and walk out like it meant nothing. He is such a pos she is welcome to him. He got his truck out the driveway thankfully. Left me to handle all the bills which I was doing anyways. Do these people have no conscience? I feel used. Does he get to sail off into the sunset and be happy and I am picking up pieces? Like wtf just happened. He has a new girlfriend that he just moved into her house - like how does any of this make sense? I won’t likely ever get any closure - not even sure I want it.