Lost
Yield beautiful changes
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: A home filled with love
Posts: 1,699
I used to take a bath every evening and cry my eyes out in the tub. It was my designated crying spot. The rest of the day I was all business - that’s what my son saw - but I fell apart for a short time everyday.
The emotions need a way to come out, but you are absolutely right about not allowing his decisions to STEAL your life. You are strong. You can do this.
The emotions need a way to come out, but you are absolutely right about not allowing his decisions to STEAL your life. You are strong. You can do this.
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Join Date: Feb 2023
Posts: 213
Yes Lost, hold on to that, how you feel now, what you said. It will help you through. Also, I do scrapbooking and some simple art projects with my nieces now, are your children young enough to do this, a game of cards or a board game. Get your brain active, be kind to yourself. You can do this, its not easy but you will come out stronger.
You do not see it now but you have saved yourself and your children here by cutting this rot from your life.
Take it one day at a time, if thats too much take the day in segments, I have faith in you. B x
You do not see it now but you have saved yourself and your children here by cutting this rot from your life.
Take it one day at a time, if thats too much take the day in segments, I have faith in you. B x
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Join Date: Mar 2021
Posts: 336
Originally Posted by Lost2011 
For those of you that have been through this - how long until you felt normal again? I can barely get off the couch.
I did have a therapist, and I also got on very low dose antidepressants to help my body from getting too imbalanced during the worst.
The next phase, where I was capable of doing things and even feeling happiness, but still in a sort of shock and denial of my life changing, lasted several months. My old life felt “real,” and my new life felt like a strange dream. Creating a new routine was vital. I walked, a lot in the early days. Fresh air, time to think or not think, music that helped my mood, etc. Then it became the gym as I had more energy. Meetings, this support forum, and scheduling phone calls or coffee with people I trusted and who supported me. I slowly weaned off the anti-depressants with the instructions of my doctor. I treated myself to something fun with no judgement at least once a week to show myself my new life wasn’t sad. I deeply feel that the “new life” needs to take shape before it feels real. Include as much joy and self-support in the new routine as you can, to help your mind realize the joy in freedom.
The next phase started about 6 months after the crisis time, and lasted around a year or year and a half? Almost two? This phase is where I felt good more often than bad, and focused on rebuilding myself and my life, one step at a time. I couldn’t think too far ahead but I felt motivated again. This period is kind of a blur but I got my life on track during this time.
The next phase, where I feel truly better than ever, started around 2 years after everything fell apart for me. I feel more confident in myself, I really, truly enjoy my life, I don’t feel like I’m living with the ghost of my past over my shoulder. I’m starting to get back to my longterm dreams again.
Everyone’s timeline is different of course, and everyone’s circumstances of how we get here is different, but there is DEFINITELY a light at the end of that tunnel. Just keep walking
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,649
Originally Posted by Lost2011
I am going to walk the dogs with the kids in a little bit. And perhaps go to the grocery store - I don’t feel like it but sitting here doesn’t feel good either
Things like going grocery shopping can hurt a bit at first. Oh I would buy that for us normally. That's to be expected. At some point that won't happen. It's YOUR store, your house, your neighbourhood.
I had a bad breakup once (not an alcoholic, personality disordered, long story). I stayed in touch for a while. For me, the turning point came with an epiphany one evening, talking in chat to this person and talking to someone I trust at the same time. She helped me to see how false he was. It was like a screen lifting, I could see him for what he was. I stopped talking to him shortly after that.
About 6 months later, I was out and about and having fun. It got progressively better during that time. The first couple of weeks were not great, just bit by bit.
Yield beautiful changes
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: A home filled with love
Posts: 1,699
I filed for divorce in February and was HAPPY again (life was not perfect, but greatly improved) by June. It was and will be a journey of ups and downs, but I definitely felt like life was headed in the right direction within 4-6 months of therapy, action, and (very) minimal contact with my ex.
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Join Date: Feb 2023
Posts: 213
Originally Posted by venuscat
Hold onto you.... ❤️That is a wonderful, dear Bookbuff
s (even tho I paraphrased a little )And go you, dear Lost!!
❤️💗
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2023
Posts: 267
Well i walked the dogs, picked up a grcoery order and will have a shower in a bit. He texted me looking for money - he has his truck in our driveway (it won’t start) he claims he needs money to get it towed for a garage.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: German Village, Columbus with my love ♥
Posts: 88,530
If it was me, I would ask what garage and get it towed there....either way, you are paying for it, and this way you don't give him money that might be used for other things.
Yield beautiful changes
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: A home filled with love
Posts: 1,699
I know it’s hard to say, “no,” but really, you are the person carrying the entire financial load of the family. Money you give to him is money your kids don’t have.
A judge would order him to pay YOU child support.
A judge would order him to pay YOU child support.
Yield beautiful changes
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: A home filled with love
Posts: 1,699
You don’t have to fight. Can you ignore him? Are you safe?
His behavior is toxic, abusive, and awful. Only Christ himself could handle that level of bull without resorting to some problematic coping mechanisms. You don’t have to be perfect to be ok.
He is not ok. At all. You aren’t the source of the problem here. Addiction and abuse are the source. He’s the host of both.
His behavior is toxic, abusive, and awful. Only Christ himself could handle that level of bull without resorting to some problematic coping mechanisms. You don’t have to be perfect to be ok.
He is not ok. At all. You aren’t the source of the problem here. Addiction and abuse are the source. He’s the host of both.
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Join Date: Sep 2023
Posts: 267
I could ignore him but he won’t go away. Plus I sold this trailer we had and I told him I would give him some money from it if he signed off on the house that i own when it comes time to sell (here you need spousal consent) even if the person isn’t on title. I know he is trying to get disability right now through his workplace - i believe his health problems are drug related (headaches and high blood pressure) but he current has no money.
the house is big and he told me he would mow the long and fix up some of the things that need fixing. I just want him gone tho. It’s too painful
the house is big and he told me he would mow the long and fix up some of the things that need fixing. I just want him gone tho. It’s too painful
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,649
Yes, I wouldn't have him do anything at all at your house if you can avoid it at all.
Personally I wouldn't give him a cent, but that's me. I would wait for the separation/divorce and do it then, legally. You could tell him that if you would rather not give him money now. You have no guarantee he won't go back now on what he said about signing off on the house. You need a lawyer. Everything financial should really be on hold right now.
You could tell him you will talk to him after you speak to the lawyer and block him.
He only wants money for drugs, it's not like it's urgent.
This goes back to his non-rational thinking, which to him is rational. He is a cocaine addict, he wants to use drugs every day. You are the person in the way of him doing that happily, therefore you ARE toxic to him. See how that goes? So he probably actually believes this (maybe not in moments of clarity, if he has any). That's why you really can't believe or listen to anything he says. You can't trust him.
Here is a thought. Say you were thinking one day, am I a good person. So you had someone observe you for a week. Now you ask them what they know/saw. Thing is, the person is a cocaine addict. How much weight would you put behind his comments? This is no different, sadly, his words mean nothing now.
Remember, no is a good enough reply. You never have to JADE - Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain - unless you want to. He won't hear you anyway. No need to argue, just say no (if that is what you mean).
Personally I wouldn't give him a cent, but that's me. I would wait for the separation/divorce and do it then, legally. You could tell him that if you would rather not give him money now. You have no guarantee he won't go back now on what he said about signing off on the house. You need a lawyer. Everything financial should really be on hold right now.
You could tell him you will talk to him after you speak to the lawyer and block him.
He only wants money for drugs, it's not like it's urgent.
I know. I just don’t want to fight with him either. He claims that I was the toxic one in this relationship and sometimes he has part of me believing it. He ****** with my head pretty bad.
Here is a thought. Say you were thinking one day, am I a good person. So you had someone observe you for a week. Now you ask them what they know/saw. Thing is, the person is a cocaine addict. How much weight would you put behind his comments? This is no different, sadly, his words mean nothing now.
Remember, no is a good enough reply. You never have to JADE - Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain - unless you want to. He won't hear you anyway. No need to argue, just say no (if that is what you mean).
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,649
You might find this thread helpful:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ay-strong.html (Separated for almost two weeks - doing my best to stay strong)
Especially edoering's post from today.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ay-strong.html (Separated for almost two weeks - doing my best to stay strong)
Especially edoering's post from today.
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