Lost2011

I know deep down I was in a relationship of extreme control. He would accuse me of cheating all the time. He would have to read all my messages and have my passwords for everything. Even this was not enough - I was
still a liar or a cheater. It was unhealthy and toxic and even though I know this I still want him back. All I ever wanted was to be loved. I know I need therapy badly.

why does he get to sail off into the sunset woth some other woman?

LucyIntheGarden

Yes, of course you want him back, I know. It is part of the cycle. It's okay that you feel this way. It is just feeling. You can't help it.

I don't know how to cut and paste here. But try to take a look:

At the top of forum page you will see a section marked "Sticky Threads".

You will see a post by Ann: "Sticky for the Abused".

Click on it.

You will see the title" "For the Abused Woman".

Take a good slow read, Lost. Breathe deep as you do. Deep inhale in. Deep inhale out.

There is important information for you there.

Lost2011

Thank you.

I wish I was stronger. I wish I didn’t care. I wish I never married him. I wish i could love myself.

Lost2011

I keep thinking that maybe I could have been different made him happy? Maybe he would have stopped with the drugs. Is this new girl going to change him? Why am I not good enough? I know I will heal from this but right now my mind keeps thinking all these things…
I feel so empty like a shell of a person.

LucyIntheGarden

2011(I'm making a choice not to call you "Lost"),

Put a warm washcloth on your face. Have a cup of tea and a cookie or piece of candy. Take more deep breaths, inhale, exhale. Slow and easy.

Then:

Here is the website of the National Domestic Violence Hotline: www.thehotline.org. There is clear, easy to read information there about psychological abuse for you to read.

There are also these numbers on the opening page:

1-800-799-7233. If you want to talk to someone right now. Or after your tea and cookie.

There is a chat icon, if you want to chat with someone right now.

And there is a text number: 88788. If you want to text with someone right now.

Lost2011

I sent a text.

I have so much healing to do. I don’t even know where to start.

Lost2011

I have an Opportunity to attend a nar anon meeting tonight. It’s virtual over a zoom link but am I allowed to just sit in on it and listen?

trailmix

I hope you did, they might go around and ask your name and if they share person by person, you can always say you have nothing to share today (if you don't want to speak).


Living with a controlling addict, as you have been, starts to wear away at your self esteem and self worth. Maybe you should try harder right? So you do. You start smoothing things over, doing a lot of eggshell walking. Then he tells you, it's not that bad!! He's not an addict! As you watch him try to get that last line out of some bag. You are seeing this with your own eyes, you know what you know, but this person, who you loved and knew well, is telling you that you are not seeing what you are seeing (this is called gaslighting).

So then you start to question your own judgement. Are you making too big a deal out of all this? It's just coke, lots of people use it right? He doesn't think it's a problem, what if he's right.

You know what you know, you are worthy of respect and kindness.

This is where many end up, questioning their own reality, questioning their perception of things. It happens slowly. First things are a bit off, so you try to correct it. Then everything progresses. By the time you get to this point you start to lose who you are. You can't imagine why you stayed with that guy or why you want him back and what happened to your husband??

It happens.

Relationships with an addict are not "normal". He doesn't think rationally like you do, so if you expect him to, that will just confuse (and hurt) you. Always remember that, he is not a rationally thinking person.

You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the three c's). This isn't your fault, not his drug use, not his bailing on his family, you can't (and never could) "fix" him.

You are far stronger than you know. You have been hurt, blindsided, your reactions are completely normal. It will get better. The longer you are away from him, the less you will care.

How about starting with liking yourself? What's so bad about you? You probably have great kids? Friends or at least family that love you (you may have become very isolated since his serious drug habit started). You work, you support your children. Are you funny? Good to laugh at a good joke? You sound kind. Instead of listing faults, start listing good things. When you look in the mirror, speak nicely to yourself (yes, this sounds cliche too, I know, but it actually works). Ask yourself why you wouldn't be nice to yourself.

​​​​​​​

Lost2011

Your comments made me cry. It’s exactly how things were - questioning my reality my sanity. Questioning if things are as bad as I think as he is making his third trip out the door and sleeping on the couch with a hand gun in his pants - cause people are after him. It was ****** up but I kept excusing it. I did aren’t the nar anon meeting - it felt good but felt a little awkward too. I have convinced myself for so long that nothing is wrong i almost believe it and feel like I don’t fit in.

Lost2011

I am having so much trouble not obsessing about this and about him. It’s like I can’t shut my mind off. I know other parts of my life are suffering as a result. Weekends and evenings are the hardest.

Bookbuff

Hey Lost

This is so sad, I feel your pain. I was in a relationship with an alcoholic for 13 years, I eventually left, the controlling and deceit got so bad, he then tried to control my children and blackmail, so I left. He took his life, when I did eventually start a relationship after years later I found my new person he had an addiction to cocaine. I came here on my knees and these amazing people helped me
you need to stay away from him, truly, it will only make you sick in the very long run. Journal all these thoughts out. Block him. This new woman, she is more than likely an addict too as that is where they find common ground, if not she will soon learn too, I feel sorry for anyone who finds themseleves in a relationship with an addict.
The relationship you need to focus on is with yourself and your children. Get therapy if you can and journal. Breathe and meditate. I know it hurts like hell. I promise you will get through this if you allow yourself time and limit contact as much as possible
B x

Lost2011

Thank you. I am sorry for your losses and experience with drug addiction - it sounds like you too have walked a hard path. I appreciate the support. I feel crazy - like I am the problem. It’s like my mind distorts reality I don’t know why i do this. I know I can’t go back, but there is a part of me that wants my life back even though it was not good and I know all this logically. I know I need therapy.

trailmix

You might want to google cognitive dissonance. This is also the reason journaling, as bookbuff mentioned, or writing a list will help.

You hold two versions of what was happening in your head. The mind doesn't like this kind of thing, it wants a place to "put" these thoughts and ideas. Was he a well advanced addict with a gun in his pants and paranoid? Or was he the husband who used to be great and actually took the garbage out on Saturday. Is he not really an addict or did he walk out with cocaine on his nose and go to live with a fellow addict?

It's hard to accept all this. Incredibly hard when you KNOW something but someone (who you used to be able to trust) tells you the opposite or something different.

So yes, it will go round and round in your head while you work it all out. Write it down, read it, know that you are ok, that your sanity is intact. You can't trust him. It's his mind that is off kilter, not yours, but living in that dysfunction day after day takes a toll. You know what you know, it takes time to accept all that.

Sometimes you can question your perceptions like this and it's helpful, while you are healing to bounce things off other people. Talk to friends and family about this (if they will understand), post here. Even though Nar Anon was a bit uncomfortable, maybe commit to joining a meeting every day or every other day, even if you just listen.

It will take time to heal from this.

Bookbuff

Lost, you are not the problem but please believe me when I tell you this person will take, take and take until you are a shell of yourself. Ending a relationship is hard, its like a death, but each day you will feel the tiniest bit better, it takes courage but you do have it, i used to pray and I still do, to your higher power even.
I implore you to think of your children too, I didnt realise how damaging my relationships with addicts were to them and I will spend the rest of my life making amends.
Every storm eventually runs out of rain and the only way through it is through it, take heart, we understand here and you need to be strong. You can do this. Journal, make lists of all the crappy things he did and read them over, if you cannot sleep do a jigsaw, that helped me a lot
B x

trailmix

You might find reading these papers helpful as well, they refer to alcoholism, but addiction is addiction:

Problem? WHAT problem?

Primitive and unconscious denial is classified as a psychotic defense mechanism because it denies or distorts reality itself. Those in the grip of psychotic denial are literally out of touch with reality. Thus an alcoholic with multiple and perfectly obvious negative consequences from his pathological drinking (legal, health, marital and job problems) may, difficult as this is to believe, indignantly and -from his perspective- honestly deny that he has a serious problem with alcohol. He doesn't know what people who criticize his drinking are talking about - and he is genuinely hurt and offended at what he perceives to be their unfair and unreasonable attacks upon him. He often reacts to expressions of concern about his drinking with self-pity, resentment, and -of course- more drinking.

Excuses Alcoholics Make

Also this page (they are all worth reading though)

The Addict's Dilemna

venuscat

Knowing you can't go back is an important first step. And knowing that you don't want to go back is the next step. I like your therapy idea; I think a good therapist can help you to sort through all of this and learn to value and trust yourself again.

Life is not meant to include this kind of madness (going to sleep with a handgun in his pants because he thought people were after him) I don't think. We all deserve better than that. s ❤️

Lost2011

For those of you that have been through this - how long until you felt normal again? I can barely get off the couch.

venuscat

I think you need to force yourself to get off the couch and do something little. If there are dishes in the sink, maybe you could wash them. Or if your kids are home, maybe you could plan to cook something with them.

You need to shift your focus back to you, back to your life and your kids, and keep telling yourself you are going to be alright. And you are. s ❤️

Lost2011

I am going to walk the dogs with the kids in a little bit. And perhaps go to the grocery store - I don’t feel like it but sitting here doesn’t feel good either

Bookbuff

Lost, this is hard but you have to force yourself to do things, as venus said, start small steps, walking the dogs is great, get groceries, yes, cook something nutritious, keep it simple at the start, I am being honest when I say it took me 6 months to feel as I do but that was with zero contact and cutting off all social media and some mutual friendships, so no, its not easy but the alternative is for sure the worst option. Somedays are good for me, somedays I still get upset but this too shall pass.
If you can paint or redecorate a room, do the garden, start a new show, make an effort to shower. It was biminiblue that said to me give yourself maybe a half hour to feel sad, cry, vent, journal then get on with your day. You have to acknowledge your pain but you cannot wallow there. Maybe see your doctor if it gets too much? You have children and I believe you can be strong for them and build a life. Let karma sort the rest. B x