venuscat

Wishing you the best possible Monday, dear Lost. ❤️

Lost2011

Thank you! I find the weekday easier than weekends. I have work and things I need to do so I spend less time thinking about things or feeling at loose ends.

venuscat

Oh, for sure. s xx

Lost2011

Why do I miss him?? And why am i obsessing about his new relationship.
I hate all these feeling but I can’t seem to turn them off.

venuscat

Why would you not miss someone who was so important to you? s
And I think anger over the current circumstances is more than understandable.
Just stay true to you, and every day is going to be a little bit easier, I think. xx ❤️

Lost2011

I want to hate him and not feel sad. I spotted his motorcycle at his new girlfriend house this morning and it felt like a punch to the stomach.

trailmix

I'm glad that at least the weekdays are a bit easier.

In a "normal" relationship, if there were troubles, you probably would have already worked them out. In a relationship with an addict, he takes his drugs and leaves and moves in with another woman.

In what world does that make sense in? Addict land. That's where he lives.

The guy you married wasn't that guy, but he is now. That's is REALLY hard to wrap your head around. Once you stop thinking of him as he used to be, or who he could "potentially" be (if he stopped the drugs}, your mind will quieten down.

It's a really good idea to challenge your thoughts. When you ask yourself "Why do I miss him"? What is your answer? Do you miss the guy he is today, a drug addict living with some other addict and contacting you for money? Or do you miss the guy he used to be and perhaps feel cheated of how this was supposed to be?

Those are two very different things. You are going to grieve for the person he was, the relationship you had, that's so very normal! But be specific with yourself, it will help to clear your mind, it will be less of:

Why do I miss him? He's such an ass! and more of:

I miss who he was and what we had, but that isn't coming back, that guy is gone.

It still hurts, but it's real and something you can heal from.

Lost2011

I miss who he was and what we had, but that isn't coming back, that guy is gone.

It still hurts, but it's real and something you can heal from.[/QUOTE]

The statement above is very helpful and actually made me cry . You hit the nail on the head. I miss who he was and what I thought we had.

venuscat

Honestly, I have been where you are, and I was furious as anything, but still loved him. It took time—months to get over the huge emotions, both the love and the anger. s

Lost2011

how long did it take to get over it? Did he ever apologize to you or get clean? Or did you have to just let it go and move on?

venuscat

I chose to let it go and move on.

And how long did it take?
Not very long. Every day you look after you, you will value yourself a little more, until one day you will think: hang on, why on earth would I want someone who treated me that way? I deserve better.

And you do!! xx

Lost2011

I know I deserve more. I am trying to keep with the mind set of loving who he used to be . But he hasn’t been that person for a while now. And I was living with this guy I didn’t recognize. He was carrying a handgun around because of his paranoia. It was getting out of control and most importantly it wasn’t healthy or safe for my children.

venuscat

It's grief, along with everything else, I am sure, and it will take time. But you said it—he hasn't been that person for a while, now. s xx

trailmix

I've known many alcoholics, I don't know any that ever got in to recovery.

But I relate to the "two people" thing because of that horrible breakup I mentioned (with personality disordered guy).

He was one person, of course, but with two completely different personalities. Not even just personalities, two different ways of being, two different looks. Some of the same characteristics of course. Anyway, without going in to huge detail, it was actually helpful for me to be around him in his "new" persona (which I believe was the "real" him), because by then I KNEW I wanted no part of that (and actually asked him to leave - this was a try again situation).

Now we weren't married (thank god) and it only lasted about a year and a half and there were a lot of circumstances that led me there - BUT - it was hard at first for sure. It was almost a panicked feeling.

But one thing that helped is that someone said to me, you know he isn't actually dead, you could go see him tomorrow if you REALLY wanted to. Ok, well that's true. But I didn't really want to. And the more I saw of this other "real" personality, the more I grew tired of it.

Then I got angry and that was the saving grace. Took me about 2 weeks to get there after my final conversation with him (I told him we shouldn't speak for a while, never spoke to him again). Once I got angry, I leaped forward fast. I threw away all things that he got for me, threw away mementos, got new sheets and pillow cases, a new comforter - Be gone! And he was. So then I was angry for 2 weeks or so. One day I realized, I wasn't even actually angry anymore, I just didn't care.

Obviously you have much more history with your husband, you may not want to throw things out but maybe put them away in boxes and store them out of sight.

You might not actually hate him, but you might not care so very much once you look at who he is now, where he is now and how incredibly horribly he treated you. You do deserve so much better than this, so do your children.

Keep in mind, he is one person, not the "good guy" and the "bad guy" one man that is all of those things, you can't have one without the other.

My Father was an alcoholic, alcoholics/addicts do not make good parents.

Lost2011

I wish I could go back and change some things but alas that isn’t possible. And I have to deal with the man he is now however heartbreaking it is . ❤️‍🩹

venuscat

Yep. s

And lol, what is that emoji?

trailmix

Yes you do. However you can have a 3rd party involved, a lawyer initially, but then there are other avenues.

For instance, to limit contact with him you can set up an email address that is only for him. Then you only need to check it when you feel like it. Let him know your only discussions should be about the children.

Obviously, initially, there might be other things, finances, him picking up his things etc. No texting from him.

Far down the road, should he even want visitation, you could have a 3rd party do this in a public place, a park or restaurant etc. Friend, family, someone you hire (your lawyer can advise about that too).

Be sure to document or keep anything you have about his drug use, even where he said it's "not that bad"- anything in text or email. You will need this going forward. Another good reason to use email. You don't want him to be able to get, for instance, overnight visitation when he is using coke. You can include drug testing in the visitation, but the more proof you have, the easier it will be.

I know you probably don't want to do any of this right now, or even think about it and that's fine, it's early days. But perhaps just keep it for now so you will have it later.

Lost2011

He showed up tonight to try and get his truck out of my driveway. It’s so awkward and he gives me anxiety. I feel like he just left with no explanation and it’s weird and I don’t know what to say to him. I stayed inside and we did not interact. It’s so surreal - we were so close and it’s like he is a stranger now.

trailmix

Yes, it's strange isn't it, especially when he didn't leave that long ago. It's a good thing there was no interaction really. He is a stranger now.

I'm guessing he wasn't successful moving it?

Lost2011

No he was not sadly. I have been trying to have him come when I am not home but he seems to come when he feels like it. So awkward and uncomfortable- he hasn’t even told me about living with another woman and obviously I don’t want to ask. But I feel like I have all the unanswered questions. But I know any conversation won’t go well and he will say it’s me - that I am the problem and alway playing victim. All I wanted was for him to be a supportive husband and father. Get off the couch and work and provide for his family. The only reason he stopped working was the coke was giving him headaches and high blood pressure / I just didn’t have much sympathy for him. I was angry and so so resentful. Guarantee he is vilifying me to this new woman about how horrible a wife i was .