I've been reading threads in this forum for a few weeks now and I have found them very insightful. I'd like to share my story but I will try to keep it short because if I gave all the details this would be the longest post ever.
There was a lady I had a business relationship with and we had become friendly with over time. She was a really fun person to talk to and I always enjoyed seeing her. She told me the day we met she was pregnant and was putting the baby up for adoption. She was the same as age as me (39) and already had two teenage sons from a failed marriage. The father was 11 years younger, unemployed and she was about to break up with him when she found out she was pregnant. She didn't want to have a child with this guy, didn't think she could care for it herself, and thought adoption was the best choice. Her friends and family had urged her to get an abortion but she would have none of it. I'm adopted and even though I had just met her, I said I was supportive of this choice.
We continued our business relationship for about a year. I knew she was struggling with the pregnancy and she said she had morning sickness that never went away. She said she knew she needed to ease up and not work so much but she desperately needed the money. She knew she'd need some time off and was already not particularly well off. She had given birth to the baby less than 48-hours after I had last seen her and it was born premature. I wasn't aware of the birth until a few weeks later and she had told me the due date and it wasn't for several more weeks. She returned to work for a short time but later found herself unemployed.
We kept in touch and she told me after Christmas that she had gotten evicted from her apartment. She hadn't found other work and was suffering from post-partum depression but also because she had given the child up right after Mother's Day. She had a daughter, which she had always wanted and the adoptive parents were from the east coast. It was an open adoption and the send her photos every month. She hopes some day to see her daughter again. Anyway, she was living out of car for several days and eventually found temporary housing and contacted me saying she hadn't eaten in two days and no clothes other than what she was wearing because all of her stuff was still in the old apartment and the manager wouldn't let her get them. She told me she hadn't been able to properly bathe or wash what little clothes she had because while she had a shower, all she had was the tiny soaps they put in motels. I told her I would take her to dinner and then shopping where I got her some groceries and gave her money so she do her laundry. At this point I guess we could say we became close friends and obviously I was concerned for her well-being. She said her ex-husband had cut off her child support and wouldn't let her see her sons after she got evicted. From the sound of it, I was the only friend she had and I felt bad for her.
We had kept in touch and ended up getting evicted from this place as well, but was able to get government assistance and into a different apartment. It was a pretty scary place in a bad neighborhood and she didn't like being there because as a single woman she was constantly harassed by men making sexual advances toward her. Her car was in bad shape and she had gone on several job interviews but didn't think any of them would work since her car wasn't reliable. She was also in contact with the baby-daddy who is a total loser and they fought all the time. She told me one night he was driving her crazy and she needed to get away from him. She told me she had a friend in another state who was willing to pay for her to come out and visit. I asked her when she was going to be leaving and she told me she wasn't sure but it might be that night. That sounded a little fishy to me but I said nothing. She asked if it was okay to call me the next day and I said sure, then I didn't hear from her for four months.
I tried to get a hold of her -- phone calls, email, texts... no response. After a while, the phone calls wouldn't go through and neither did the texts. Thinking she might be on social media, one night I searched for her name and saw that she had gotten arrested. I was shocked by the charges. She was busted for prostitution and possession of drug paraphernalia. I freaked out and send her another email because at least they were not bouncing. Still nothing.
Nearly two months later I get an email from a guy she used to be engaged to. He was in her email and saw that I was concerned and let me know he had been taking care of her for about a month and she was really struggling and provided his phone number and said to call.
We spoke for quite a while. He said she had been afraid of being homeless again and turned to escorting as a way to make a living and had gotten involved with a pimp who had responded to one of her online ads saying she was doing it wrong and that with his help she could make a lot of money. He took her to Las Vegas and who knows where else but had set her up with a bunch of clients one night and had her working out of a motel. The constant stream of men to her room had aroused the suspicion of other motels guests who called the police and that led to her arrest. I asked about the drug use as I suspected she was on something because of her erratic behavior at times and he said it was just marijuana as she occasionally smoked but she was actually bipolar/ADD and stopped taking her medication a while ago. He said he knew why but didn't feel it was his place to tell me, but he thought it was selfish and short-sighted. Basically, her mental illness and her unwillingness to get treatment was the reason he broke up with her 3-4 years before and he was regretting that decision. They had kept in touch and when she disappeared he searched for her online and found her just like I did, albeit about a month earlier.
He and I talked a few more times and he said she had mentioned me and that she knew I had been trying to get a hold of her but was ashamed because I had loaned her money and hadn't been able to pay me back. But eventually she texted me and we agreed to meet.
She told me that she basically went off the deep end when she was facing eviction for the third time and decided to not only avoid that but to get custody of her sons back was to make a large sum of money in a short amount of time. Escorting was her plan to do this. She claimed she earned $10,000 in a month (which I find hard to believe) but she had been putting the cash into a bank account the pimp had set up for her and when she got arrested he withdrew all of it so she was left with nothing. (He later got arrested as her ex told me.) I knew she had a hard time telling me all this but I deserved to know what happened. I asked her if she'd every do that again and she said she couldn't say no. I didn't like hearing that.
In regards to the drug use, she said to deal with the stress of escorting she smoked a lot of pot and when she was arrested the officer found her pipe. She said she used to smoke a lot in the past but couldn't afford to do it anymore. Of course, now she was making a lot of money she could do it again.
I struggled with hearing all of this but I tried to be supportive. She had mentioned medicine she was on and how she was running out and I asked her about it and she said she was addicted to Suboxone. She told me she used to run marathons and had hurt her foot which required surgery and her doctor had put her on painkillers (did not mention which ones) which she was still taking. She said she had been on it for the past six years and stopped needing it after three. She knew she needed to get off it and was likely the reason the baby was born premature and had to be detoxed before it could leave the hospital. She said she had been through detox one before and it was hell for her (not saying what she was detoxing from) and tried tapering off her dosage but couldn't kick the habit. Well, that night she needed it and wasn't able to get any so I took her out to eat and then to the drugstore to get anti-nausea medicine. She threw up and started feeling better. I took care for her for a while and once I felt like she was okay I left. I checked up on her later and she said she was able to get the pills and felt a lot better after taking some.
I continued to talk to her ex and mentioned this and he said she was being overly dramatic because she takes such a small dose that her withdrawal would just feel like a bad flu and she'd be better in a couple of days. I tried to get info about what she had been detoxing from before but said that she used to go to AA before they had met.
Well, she and I hung out for a few times and I got to meet her ex twice. He seemed like a good guy but what I found odd was that he and I looked very similar. We could be brothers, although he was seven years older than I. Anyway, I saw her sporadically over the next few weeks and he and I either spoke on the phone and texted and we were trying to get a game plan to get her off the meds as well as getting treatment for her bipolar disorder. He discussed this with her and she refused to do it and they fought constantly. He had a bit of a temper and said he would no longer pay for her rent or her cell phone unless she did this and then changed his phone number. She of course freaked out and contacted me all upset saying he was abandoning her and she just needed time and he didn't understand that.
It was a few weeks before I heard from her again. She wasn't responding to my texts. I spoke to her ex and he said he stopped paying her rent two months ago and somehow she hadn't been evicted yet. He suspected she was making money somehow or someone else was paying her rent and we both hoped she hadn't gone back to escorting. Well, she did... he confronted her again and they had a big fight and he changed his number again so she couldn't contact him. He promised me he'd let me know what was going on after they talked and he didn't for another month. She finally reached out to me saying she was going to be homeless again so I looked and found her ads so I knew she was escorting. I told her she needs to stop this before she got arrested again or killed.
By this time I should have just walked away but I still cared about her so I tried to get her to talk to me. I got a weird email right before Christmas saying "I'm an escort now, you can see me anytime. I'll give you the special friend discount..." I was at work when I received this and I called her to say that wasn't funny but got no answer. However, after thinking about it, it didn't seem like her to say that so I went by her apartment after work and knocked on the door. I could see the lights were on and I could hear the TV but she didn't answer. She might have not been there, she never turned anything off when she leaves.
I finally found out what happened when I spoke to him a few months later. When she was escorting, she was using Uber/Lyft to get to her outcall appointments and apparently one driver knew what she was doing and he basically became her pimp. She had once logged into her email from his smartphone and didn't log off so now he had access to her email and he was the one who sent me the email. He also contacted the adoptive parents of her daughter and told them she was a prostitute. I assume he got upset that she stopped escorting when her ex started talking to her again. She had contacted her ex to help her change her email password and he paid her back rent so she wouldn't get evicted.
We finally met up again but it was short-lived. My car was part of the Takata airbag recall and the manufacturer said not to let anyone ride in the front passenger seat until it was repaired. I told her this as we went out one night and she said she didn't care. When we got back to her place she said it was funny about the airbag recall because she had put herself into a lot of dangerous situations. This made my blood run cold. I told her I cared about her and I don't like seeing her like this, that I loved her and I didn't want to lose her. It was the last time I saw her. Oh yeah, I should mention this... she said she needed cash and asked me if I wanted to make an appointment. She was basically asking me to pay her for sex and I said no. I got upset when she said that.
I kept in touch with her ex and he asked me if she had done drugs in front of me. I told him other than the Suboxone, she did not. He said he and buddy were moving her stuff out of her apartment because she was being evicted again and found foil packets. His friend said he thought she was doing heroin. He confronted her about this and she said she was smoking it. She was no longer able to acquire Suboxone and heroin was cheaper. She said she didn't like the high from it and agreed to go to detox. For some reason he didn't take her there but instead had a shuttle pick her up and they kept her waiting so long that she started to go through withdrawal and left before being admitted. He tried to get her to go to another place and she refused. After a few months, she finally agreed and spent two weeks in the facility before being released. She texted me the day after apologizing for everything and to let me know what happened. She said she never read any of my messages but wanted me to know she was okay. I responded thanking her for contacting me and that I was proud of her for taking these steps and I'd continue to support her through her recovery. She didn't respond.
Her birthday came and I sent her a message wishing her a happy birthday and again no response. A week later, I do another web search. She got arrested again. I couldn't get a lot of information but I sent emails to both her and her ex and she responded saying she did get arrested and that she has been avoiding me. She said she missed me and thought about me a lot and I responded saying we needed to talk and again no response.
Her ex wouldn't tell me anything either. I went to the police department and got a copy of the arrest report. It said it was a traffic stop and she was in his car (her license was suspended right after she started escorting the first time because she had expired tags and no insurance) behind a thrift store with heroin and crystal meth in her possession. She had a warrant out for her arrest because she never showed up for court from her first arrest after pleading guilty and not paying the fine (I later found out she was arrested three times for shoplifting before I met her). She knew about the warrant and gave a fake name to the officer. He searched her car and found her ID and arrested her. Three counts: Class 4 felony for possession of dangerous drugs, class 6 felony for possession of dangerous drug paraphernalia and a misdemeanor charge of giving a false name. She contacted her ex and he bailed her out.
She had hearings scheduled for these charges as well as the non-compliance from the previous arrest and she didn't show up for either. This resulted in two more warrants being issued. Why isn't he making her take care of this? She jumped bail and I sent her an angry text saying she needs to take care of her stuff before she ends up spending the rest of her life in jail. She responds saying she had a plan to go into a treatment center and if I knew the whole story I wouldn't feel this way. I responded saying I'd been trying to get any information about how she's doing and all I get is a mugshot and 22-page police report. I'm fed up and I block her and her ex. I can't deal with this anymore.
Guess what... she gets arrested two days after Christmas. She's found hunched over the steering wheel of a pickup with the engine running. Someone called the police thinking she might be dead. The cop wakes her up and she says she had borrowed a friend's pickup and was returning it but couldn't remember where he lived. The officer searched the vehicle and found heroin and crystal meth. She says she relapsed because she put her daughter up for adoption (which at this point is 2 years prior). She goes to the county jail and is held without bond. Same charges as the previous arrest except she didn't give a false name. She spends a total of six days in jail and pleads guilty to giving the false name from the previous arrest, has to pay a small fine and the time served is the punishment. As for the two cases with drug charges, they drop prosecution giving her two years to complete a drug treatment program. She is lucky in this regard. However, I don't feel good about it.
I've been doing a lot of research about drug addiction and how addicts behave and I've even started going to counseling because I'm struggling with this. I have a lot of questions that I'll probably never get answers to. I question how much she has told me were lies. Whether she was ever sincere about anything. Whether she only wanted me around when she and her ex weren't getting along and she needed me to buy her stuff.
Is Suboxone the kind of drug prescribed for pain or is it used more for transitioning addicts off of stronger opiates? I know it's common for people addicted to opioid pain killers to transition to heroin as I read news articles about it all the time.
But the meth... I guess I'm naÔve because I've never done drugs myself and to my knowledge nobody I know does drugs other than marijuana. But from what I've read here and elsewhere, I guess the red flags were there and I didn't see them.
- She was previously in AA.
- She had previously been through detox and detested it.
- She was always overheating and frequently had wet clothing and hair in an attempt to cool down. She claims it was a side-effect of the Suboxone but I am not so sure.
- She gets bad leg cramps and claims it's from the Suboxone. She also can't sit still for long periods. We went to a movie once and she only got to see 20 minutes of it.
- She is very vain. She had a fledgling modeling career at one point. She constantly takes selfies and sent several to me and dozens more to her ex. She spends more money on hair dye (she's starting to go gray) and health and beauty products instead of food and other necessities. She has photos of herself all over her apartment. She looked quite good at one time and smiled a lot. She looks rougher now and when she smiles she doesn't show her teeth. She looked awful in her mugshots.
- She is constantly drinking soda (non-caffeinated) and eats lots of candy and popsicles. She talks about how she used to be eat lots of health food and now eats nothing but junk. She told me to reminder to eat later because she'd forget.
- She drinks a lot of water (usually distilled)
- She says she has to go to the bathroom and is gone for 30 minutes. Is she getting high?
- She once called her son and said if he needs help staying awake studying she knows where to get meth (she said she was joking but I found that in poor taste)
- I said I suspected she was on meth and she says "a lot of people think I'm on meth." Not exactly a denial...
- Some weird behavior that I had originally suspected was her being manic (and her ex concurred) which I now wonder was due to drugs.
- Being completely disorganized and forgetful. ADD maybe, but maybe something else.
- Stating how she doesn't like having sex with strangers but kept notes of her clients saying who was fun to be with
- Being too trusting of people she doesn't know. E.g. telling me really personal stuff the day we met, letting just about anybody borrow her car before it was stolen by homeless people she was letting stay in her apartment
- Refusing to get a job as a waitress because it was beneath her (and escorting isn't?!!? Even though she says she worked at Denny's for 5 years and really enjoyed it.
- Lying about stuff when it's easily disproven and there's no reason to
- Constantly smoking cigarettes and getting physically ill when she runs out. I hear bipolar people should stay away from nicotine, sugar and alcohol.
- She hasn't spoken to her mom or siblings in a very long time. Her dad is deceased. She rarely speaks to her best friend who actually works at a detox facility and offered her free treatment. She wouldn't go there. Instead she hangs out with bad people and avoids people who actually care about her.
I can go on an on. Sorry, I tried to keep this brief but typing this out is therapeutic.
Here's the deal. I know my relationship isn't healthy. She and I were not romantically involved, but I certainly feel like at times she saw me as a surrogate boyfriend. She even commented how similar me and her ex are (although I'm taller and thinner). I really cared for her and if she hadn't come to me for help we wouldn't have progressed beyond the professional relationship we had. I thought at first she was just going through a rough spot. I was homeless briefly (my whole family lived with my grandmother for a while) so I was sympathetic. If I could help her a little what could it hurt?
She kept saying she was about to turn things around but things kept getting worse. But it ended up loaning her a lot of money I will never see again. She used me. I knew it and I kept letting her do it. I feel like the biggest idiot in the world because I thought I could save her.
When she disappeared the first time when she got arrested, I had a dream that she had died. I found out and went to her memorial service. I was one of only a few who had signed the guest book. A man asked me who I was and I said I was a friend. He said "She doesn't have any friends." I overheard someone saying "We knew this would eventually happen".
I felt that her life was in danger and I didn't act that she would die and I would be forever haunted by the guilt that I did nothing to prevent it.
I suspect she's had a much serious drug problem that started long before I met her. I think she may have been on meth the whole time and while her ex denied it, he may have been as clueless as I was.
I feel her ex is enabling her. I know he's bought her drugs because she has no money. They are living together so I know she is not alone but I can't imagine what living hell his life has become because of this. But I don't trust him either.
I haven't seen her since late February 2016 and last had contact with her in September. As mentioned before, I've blocked both of them so they can't reach me unless they use different phone numbers or email addresses. I reached my breaking point and I can't deal with it anymore. I wanted to be supportive but it's clear neither of them desire my help. But I still think about her every day. I can't make myself delete the emails, texts and photos from my phone or my computer.
I don't have a lot of friends and for a while, as flawed as she was, I considered her my closest friend. I feel a great sense of loss by ending my relationship with her, but I felt I needed to walk away. I had written her really long emails explaining how I feel that either she's never read or won't respond to. I have nothing left to say to her. I just hope I don't run into her somewhere because I don't know if I can handle it. I want her to get well, I know somewhere in there is a good person but I just can't be a part of her life anymore. It's way too painful. God forbid I had gotten romantically involved with her, I'd be far worse off I think. I had also thought I may have let her come stay with me but that would have been a huge mistake.
There are times I wish I hadn't gotten involved in this but I still cherish the good times in my friendship with her. Things weren't always bad. We could sit and talk for hours, like we had known each other our whole lives. She was one of the most important people in my life.
There is nothing I can do. I've realized that no matter how much time, effort, or money I spent, no matter what I say to her, nothing is going to help but a temporary delay of the inevitable. Nothing is going to change. I don't want her to die but it's a possibility. I'm trying to accept that.
I figured by now I'd be over this. But maybe not. I know I have trouble letting go. It's a pattern for me. I honestly don't know if I can get over this, if I do it will take years. I am not sure counseling is helping. I'm going to go to a few more appointments but I may stop. Her actions caused me so much anxiety and pain. I already suffer from high blood pressure and none of this helped. I've had a lot of sleepless nights as well. Slowly things are getting better for me but I have difficulty getting closure. What can I do?