DesertFoxAZ

I've been reading threads in this forum for a few weeks now and I have found them very insightful. I'd like to share my story but I will try to keep it short because if I gave all the details this would be the longest post ever.

There was a lady I had a business relationship with and we had become friendly with over time. She was a really fun person to talk to and I always enjoyed seeing her. She told me the day we met she was pregnant and was putting the baby up for adoption. She was the same as age as me (39) and already had two teenage sons from a failed marriage. The father was 11 years younger, unemployed and she was about to break up with him when she found out she was pregnant. She didn't want to have a child with this guy, didn't think she could care for it herself, and thought adoption was the best choice. Her friends and family had urged her to get an abortion but she would have none of it. I'm adopted and even though I had just met her, I said I was supportive of this choice.

We continued our business relationship for about a year. I knew she was struggling with the pregnancy and she said she had morning sickness that never went away. She said she knew she needed to ease up and not work so much but she desperately needed the money. She knew she'd need some time off and was already not particularly well off. She had given birth to the baby less than 48-hours after I had last seen her and it was born premature. I wasn't aware of the birth until a few weeks later and she had told me the due date and it wasn't for several more weeks. She returned to work for a short time but later found herself unemployed.

We kept in touch and she told me after Christmas that she had gotten evicted from her apartment. She hadn't found other work and was suffering from post-partum depression but also because she had given the child up right after Mother's Day. She had a daughter, which she had always wanted and the adoptive parents were from the east coast. It was an open adoption and the send her photos every month. She hopes some day to see her daughter again. Anyway, she was living out of car for several days and eventually found temporary housing and contacted me saying she hadn't eaten in two days and no clothes other than what she was wearing because all of her stuff was still in the old apartment and the manager wouldn't let her get them. She told me she hadn't been able to properly bathe or wash what little clothes she had because while she had a shower, all she had was the tiny soaps they put in motels. I told her I would take her to dinner and then shopping where I got her some groceries and gave her money so she do her laundry. At this point I guess we could say we became close friends and obviously I was concerned for her well-being. She said her ex-husband had cut off her child support and wouldn't let her see her sons after she got evicted. From the sound of it, I was the only friend she had and I felt bad for her.

We had kept in touch and ended up getting evicted from this place as well, but was able to get government assistance and into a different apartment. It was a pretty scary place in a bad neighborhood and she didn't like being there because as a single woman she was constantly harassed by men making sexual advances toward her. Her car was in bad shape and she had gone on several job interviews but didn't think any of them would work since her car wasn't reliable. She was also in contact with the baby-daddy who is a total loser and they fought all the time. She told me one night he was driving her crazy and she needed to get away from him. She told me she had a friend in another state who was willing to pay for her to come out and visit. I asked her when she was going to be leaving and she told me she wasn't sure but it might be that night. That sounded a little fishy to me but I said nothing. She asked if it was okay to call me the next day and I said sure, then I didn't hear from her for four months.

I tried to get a hold of her -- phone calls, email, texts... no response. After a while, the phone calls wouldn't go through and neither did the texts. Thinking she might be on social media, one night I searched for her name and saw that she had gotten arrested. I was shocked by the charges. She was busted for prostitution and possession of drug paraphernalia. I freaked out and send her another email because at least they were not bouncing. Still nothing.

Nearly two months later I get an email from a guy she used to be engaged to. He was in her email and saw that I was concerned and let me know he had been taking care of her for about a month and she was really struggling and provided his phone number and said to call.

We spoke for quite a while. He said she had been afraid of being homeless again and turned to escorting as a way to make a living and had gotten involved with a pimp who had responded to one of her online ads saying she was doing it wrong and that with his help she could make a lot of money. He took her to Las Vegas and who knows where else but had set her up with a bunch of clients one night and had her working out of a motel. The constant stream of men to her room had aroused the suspicion of other motels guests who called the police and that led to her arrest. I asked about the drug use as I suspected she was on something because of her erratic behavior at times and he said it was just marijuana as she occasionally smoked but she was actually bipolar/ADD and stopped taking her medication a while ago. He said he knew why but didn't feel it was his place to tell me, but he thought it was selfish and short-sighted. Basically, her mental illness and her unwillingness to get treatment was the reason he broke up with her 3-4 years before and he was regretting that decision. They had kept in touch and when she disappeared he searched for her online and found her just like I did, albeit about a month earlier.

He and I talked a few more times and he said she had mentioned me and that she knew I had been trying to get a hold of her but was ashamed because I had loaned her money and hadn't been able to pay me back. But eventually she texted me and we agreed to meet.

She told me that she basically went off the deep end when she was facing eviction for the third time and decided to not only avoid that but to get custody of her sons back was to make a large sum of money in a short amount of time. Escorting was her plan to do this. She claimed she earned $10,000 in a month (which I find hard to believe) but she had been putting the cash into a bank account the pimp had set up for her and when she got arrested he withdrew all of it so she was left with nothing. (He later got arrested as her ex told me.) I knew she had a hard time telling me all this but I deserved to know what happened. I asked her if she'd every do that again and she said she couldn't say no. I didn't like hearing that.

In regards to the drug use, she said to deal with the stress of escorting she smoked a lot of pot and when she was arrested the officer found her pipe. She said she used to smoke a lot in the past but couldn't afford to do it anymore. Of course, now she was making a lot of money she could do it again.

I struggled with hearing all of this but I tried to be supportive. She had mentioned medicine she was on and how she was running out and I asked her about it and she said she was addicted to Suboxone. She told me she used to run marathons and had hurt her foot which required surgery and her doctor had put her on painkillers (did not mention which ones) which she was still taking. She said she had been on it for the past six years and stopped needing it after three. She knew she needed to get off it and was likely the reason the baby was born premature and had to be detoxed before it could leave the hospital. She said she had been through detox one before and it was hell for her (not saying what she was detoxing from) and tried tapering off her dosage but couldn't kick the habit. Well, that night she needed it and wasn't able to get any so I took her out to eat and then to the drugstore to get anti-nausea medicine. She threw up and started feeling better. I took care for her for a while and once I felt like she was okay I left. I checked up on her later and she said she was able to get the pills and felt a lot better after taking some.

I continued to talk to her ex and mentioned this and he said she was being overly dramatic because she takes such a small dose that her withdrawal would just feel like a bad flu and she'd be better in a couple of days. I tried to get info about what she had been detoxing from before but said that she used to go to AA before they had met.

Well, she and I hung out for a few times and I got to meet her ex twice. He seemed like a good guy but what I found odd was that he and I looked very similar. We could be brothers, although he was seven years older than I. Anyway, I saw her sporadically over the next few weeks and he and I either spoke on the phone and texted and we were trying to get a game plan to get her off the meds as well as getting treatment for her bipolar disorder. He discussed this with her and she refused to do it and they fought constantly. He had a bit of a temper and said he would no longer pay for her rent or her cell phone unless she did this and then changed his phone number. She of course freaked out and contacted me all upset saying he was abandoning her and she just needed time and he didn't understand that.

It was a few weeks before I heard from her again. She wasn't responding to my texts. I spoke to her ex and he said he stopped paying her rent two months ago and somehow she hadn't been evicted yet. He suspected she was making money somehow or someone else was paying her rent and we both hoped she hadn't gone back to escorting. Well, she did... he confronted her again and they had a big fight and he changed his number again so she couldn't contact him. He promised me he'd let me know what was going on after they talked and he didn't for another month. She finally reached out to me saying she was going to be homeless again so I looked and found her ads so I knew she was escorting. I told her she needs to stop this before she got arrested again or killed.

By this time I should have just walked away but I still cared about her so I tried to get her to talk to me. I got a weird email right before Christmas saying "I'm an escort now, you can see me anytime. I'll give you the special friend discount..." I was at work when I received this and I called her to say that wasn't funny but got no answer. However, after thinking about it, it didn't seem like her to say that so I went by her apartment after work and knocked on the door. I could see the lights were on and I could hear the TV but she didn't answer. She might have not been there, she never turned anything off when she leaves.

I finally found out what happened when I spoke to him a few months later. When she was escorting, she was using Uber/Lyft to get to her outcall appointments and apparently one driver knew what she was doing and he basically became her pimp. She had once logged into her email from his smartphone and didn't log off so now he had access to her email and he was the one who sent me the email. He also contacted the adoptive parents of her daughter and told them she was a prostitute. I assume he got upset that she stopped escorting when her ex started talking to her again. She had contacted her ex to help her change her email password and he paid her back rent so she wouldn't get evicted.

We finally met up again but it was short-lived. My car was part of the Takata airbag recall and the manufacturer said not to let anyone ride in the front passenger seat until it was repaired. I told her this as we went out one night and she said she didn't care. When we got back to her place she said it was funny about the airbag recall because she had put herself into a lot of dangerous situations. This made my blood run cold. I told her I cared about her and I don't like seeing her like this, that I loved her and I didn't want to lose her. It was the last time I saw her. Oh yeah, I should mention this... she said she needed cash and asked me if I wanted to make an appointment. She was basically asking me to pay her for sex and I said no. I got upset when she said that.

I kept in touch with her ex and he asked me if she had done drugs in front of me. I told him other than the Suboxone, she did not. He said he and buddy were moving her stuff out of her apartment because she was being evicted again and found foil packets. His friend said he thought she was doing heroin. He confronted her about this and she said she was smoking it. She was no longer able to acquire Suboxone and heroin was cheaper. She said she didn't like the high from it and agreed to go to detox. For some reason he didn't take her there but instead had a shuttle pick her up and they kept her waiting so long that she started to go through withdrawal and left before being admitted. He tried to get her to go to another place and she refused. After a few months, she finally agreed and spent two weeks in the facility before being released. She texted me the day after apologizing for everything and to let me know what happened. She said she never read any of my messages but wanted me to know she was okay. I responded thanking her for contacting me and that I was proud of her for taking these steps and I'd continue to support her through her recovery. She didn't respond.

Her birthday came and I sent her a message wishing her a happy birthday and again no response. A week later, I do another web search. She got arrested again. I couldn't get a lot of information but I sent emails to both her and her ex and she responded saying she did get arrested and that she has been avoiding me. She said she missed me and thought about me a lot and I responded saying we needed to talk and again no response.

Her ex wouldn't tell me anything either. I went to the police department and got a copy of the arrest report. It said it was a traffic stop and she was in his car (her license was suspended right after she started escorting the first time because she had expired tags and no insurance) behind a thrift store with heroin and crystal meth in her possession. She had a warrant out for her arrest because she never showed up for court from her first arrest after pleading guilty and not paying the fine (I later found out she was arrested three times for shoplifting before I met her). She knew about the warrant and gave a fake name to the officer. He searched her car and found her ID and arrested her. Three counts: Class 4 felony for possession of dangerous drugs, class 6 felony for possession of dangerous drug paraphernalia and a misdemeanor charge of giving a false name. She contacted her ex and he bailed her out.

She had hearings scheduled for these charges as well as the non-compliance from the previous arrest and she didn't show up for either. This resulted in two more warrants being issued. Why isn't he making her take care of this? She jumped bail and I sent her an angry text saying she needs to take care of her stuff before she ends up spending the rest of her life in jail. She responds saying she had a plan to go into a treatment center and if I knew the whole story I wouldn't feel this way. I responded saying I'd been trying to get any information about how she's doing and all I get is a mugshot and 22-page police report. I'm fed up and I block her and her ex. I can't deal with this anymore.

Guess what... she gets arrested two days after Christmas. She's found hunched over the steering wheel of a pickup with the engine running. Someone called the police thinking she might be dead. The cop wakes her up and she says she had borrowed a friend's pickup and was returning it but couldn't remember where he lived. The officer searched the vehicle and found heroin and crystal meth. She says she relapsed because she put her daughter up for adoption (which at this point is 2 years prior). She goes to the county jail and is held without bond. Same charges as the previous arrest except she didn't give a false name. She spends a total of six days in jail and pleads guilty to giving the false name from the previous arrest, has to pay a small fine and the time served is the punishment. As for the two cases with drug charges, they drop prosecution giving her two years to complete a drug treatment program. She is lucky in this regard. However, I don't feel good about it.

I've been doing a lot of research about drug addiction and how addicts behave and I've even started going to counseling because I'm struggling with this. I have a lot of questions that I'll probably never get answers to. I question how much she has told me were lies. Whether she was ever sincere about anything. Whether she only wanted me around when she and her ex weren't getting along and she needed me to buy her stuff.

Is Suboxone the kind of drug prescribed for pain or is it used more for transitioning addicts off of stronger opiates? I know it's common for people addicted to opioid pain killers to transition to heroin as I read news articles about it all the time.

But the meth... I guess I'm naïve because I've never done drugs myself and to my knowledge nobody I know does drugs other than marijuana. But from what I've read here and elsewhere, I guess the red flags were there and I didn't see them.

• She was previously in AA.
• She had previously been through detox and detested it.
• She was always overheating and frequently had wet clothing and hair in an attempt to cool down. She claims it was a side-effect of the Suboxone but I am not so sure.
• She gets bad leg cramps and claims it's from the Suboxone. She also can't sit still for long periods. We went to a movie once and she only got to see 20 minutes of it.
• She is very vain. She had a fledgling modeling career at one point. She constantly takes selfies and sent several to me and dozens more to her ex. She spends more money on hair dye (she's starting to go gray) and health and beauty products instead of food and other necessities. She has photos of herself all over her apartment. She looked quite good at one time and smiled a lot. She looks rougher now and when she smiles she doesn't show her teeth. She looked awful in her mugshots.
• She is constantly drinking soda (non-caffeinated) and eats lots of candy and popsicles. She talks about how she used to be eat lots of health food and now eats nothing but junk. She told me to reminder to eat later because she'd forget.
• She drinks a lot of water (usually distilled)
• She says she has to go to the bathroom and is gone for 30 minutes. Is she getting high?
• She once called her son and said if he needs help staying awake studying she knows where to get meth (she said she was joking but I found that in poor taste)
• I said I suspected she was on meth and she says "a lot of people think I'm on meth." Not exactly a denial...
• Some weird behavior that I had originally suspected was her being manic (and her ex concurred) which I now wonder was due to drugs.
• Being completely disorganized and forgetful. ADD maybe, but maybe something else.
• Stating how she doesn't like having sex with strangers but kept notes of her clients saying who was fun to be with
• Being too trusting of people she doesn't know. E.g. telling me really personal stuff the day we met, letting just about anybody borrow her car before it was stolen by homeless people she was letting stay in her apartment
• Refusing to get a job as a waitress because it was beneath her (and escorting isn't?!!? Even though she says she worked at Denny's for 5 years and really enjoyed it.
• Lying about stuff when it's easily disproven and there's no reason to
• Constantly smoking cigarettes and getting physically ill when she runs out. I hear bipolar people should stay away from nicotine, sugar and alcohol.
• She hasn't spoken to her mom or siblings in a very long time. Her dad is deceased. She rarely speaks to her best friend who actually works at a detox facility and offered her free treatment. She wouldn't go there. Instead she hangs out with bad people and avoids people who actually care about her.

I can go on an on. Sorry, I tried to keep this brief but typing this out is therapeutic.

Here's the deal. I know my relationship isn't healthy. She and I were not romantically involved, but I certainly feel like at times she saw me as a surrogate boyfriend. She even commented how similar me and her ex are (although I'm taller and thinner). I really cared for her and if she hadn't come to me for help we wouldn't have progressed beyond the professional relationship we had. I thought at first she was just going through a rough spot. I was homeless briefly (my whole family lived with my grandmother for a while) so I was sympathetic. If I could help her a little what could it hurt?

She kept saying she was about to turn things around but things kept getting worse. But it ended up loaning her a lot of money I will never see again. She used me. I knew it and I kept letting her do it. I feel like the biggest idiot in the world because I thought I could save her.

When she disappeared the first time when she got arrested, I had a dream that she had died. I found out and went to her memorial service. I was one of only a few who had signed the guest book. A man asked me who I was and I said I was a friend. He said "She doesn't have any friends." I overheard someone saying "We knew this would eventually happen".

I felt that her life was in danger and I didn't act that she would die and I would be forever haunted by the guilt that I did nothing to prevent it.

I suspect she's had a much serious drug problem that started long before I met her. I think she may have been on meth the whole time and while her ex denied it, he may have been as clueless as I was.

I feel her ex is enabling her. I know he's bought her drugs because she has no money. They are living together so I know she is not alone but I can't imagine what living hell his life has become because of this. But I don't trust him either.

I haven't seen her since late February 2016 and last had contact with her in September. As mentioned before, I've blocked both of them so they can't reach me unless they use different phone numbers or email addresses. I reached my breaking point and I can't deal with it anymore. I wanted to be supportive but it's clear neither of them desire my help. But I still think about her every day. I can't make myself delete the emails, texts and photos from my phone or my computer.

I don't have a lot of friends and for a while, as flawed as she was, I considered her my closest friend. I feel a great sense of loss by ending my relationship with her, but I felt I needed to walk away. I had written her really long emails explaining how I feel that either she's never read or won't respond to. I have nothing left to say to her. I just hope I don't run into her somewhere because I don't know if I can handle it. I want her to get well, I know somewhere in there is a good person but I just can't be a part of her life anymore. It's way too painful. God forbid I had gotten romantically involved with her, I'd be far worse off I think. I had also thought I may have let her come stay with me but that would have been a huge mistake.

There are times I wish I hadn't gotten involved in this but I still cherish the good times in my friendship with her. Things weren't always bad. We could sit and talk for hours, like we had known each other our whole lives. She was one of the most important people in my life.

There is nothing I can do. I've realized that no matter how much time, effort, or money I spent, no matter what I say to her, nothing is going to help but a temporary delay of the inevitable. Nothing is going to change. I don't want her to die but it's a possibility. I'm trying to accept that.

I figured by now I'd be over this. But maybe not. I know I have trouble letting go. It's a pattern for me. I honestly don't know if I can get over this, if I do it will take years. I am not sure counseling is helping. I'm going to go to a few more appointments but I may stop. Her actions caused me so much anxiety and pain. I already suffer from high blood pressure and none of this helped. I've had a lot of sleepless nights as well. Slowly things are getting better for me but I have difficulty getting closure. What can I do?

PhoenixJ

Prayers to you and her. Counselling is hard work and does not always come with a payoff. For me- I see people who do the lip service approach. Then those who are just cruising- just making sure they are okay. Then there is the me sort- who push hard to try and change- from grief, pain, abandonment, loss, NDE, depression and a wheel barrow of other stuff. Face to face is important to me- because without it- I do not see outside the box.

DesertFoxAZ

I feel like I was emotionally raped by her. I've cried a lot due to the things she's done or said to me. She accused me of lying to her when she does it all the time. I guess it's par for the course when it comes to drug addicts. Had I known she had this serious of a problem I am very doubtful I would have helped her at all. I don't need this stress.

She's said a few times that she knows she really hurt me and feels a lot of remorse. But I don't know if it's sincere. I like to think that it is, but now I'm skeptical of everything she's ever said to me. I've threatened to walk away many times (and so has her ex) but neither he or I had truly did that until I did four months ago. And believe me, I've wanted to reach out to her but have stopped myself several times. I've even considered suing her for the money she owes me but I know I'd have to confront her (assuming she shows up at all) and she'd never be able to pay me back anyway. (She did sign a contract saying she'd pay me back but I've given her a lot more money since then.)

I was extremely patient with her and I guess either it's because I was so desperate for a friend or I was in love with her that I stuck around hoping that one day she'd realize she had the support of two people who would have gone to the ends of the Earth for her and that she'd realize that she needs help beating her addiction and needs to seek treatment for her mental health issues. The problem is, every time I tried to talk to her about it, if it was written, she'd just ignore it, or if it was in person she'd change the subject or take another 30-minute bathroom break and then start talking about something else. She did admit to me once that I was her one good friend and she'd rather talk about fun stuff than all her problems and that really frustrates me because I've made it quite clear that I'm extremely concerned about her life situation and lack of any progress in improving it.

My feelings about her now are like a pendulum. There are times where I get really angry with her and wish I never met her. Then there are times where I really miss her (which has been the case lately) and want to reach out but I know it's best I don't. I get really depressed sometimes about this but fortunately that hasn't happened for several weeks now.

Her last email to me said she couldn't understand why I'd walk away after I claimed to care about her so much, and that when she gets better I won't be there. I think she's just trying to be manipulative.

This whole situation has soured me. I don't know if I can trust anyone anymore. There are people on every corner with a sign saying they're homeless and need a handout. It's hard for me to have any sympathy for these people because I think of how my friend is mentally ill and a junkie and they probably are too. I know that's heartless but I just can't make myself care anymore.

DesertFoxAZ

One thing I forgot to add...

One night she asked me if I wanted to hang out. She had been drinking. Her ex had brought over several bottles of booze (which was a bad idea if she had been in AA) and was a little tipsy. We went to dinner and she was completely obnoxious, cursing up a storm and making a complete ass of herself. She went outside for a cigarette and I went to pay the bill and I was approached by another customer who I think wanted to start a fight because she was using the F-word around his kids. I thought she was drunk, and perhaps she was. We got in an argument in the parking lot about her behavior and I said I was taking her home and I was leaving.

When we got back to her apartment she told me, "You know a lot about me, but you don't know me that well. You wouldn't like the real me." I wasn't sure what that meant exactly and she didn't clarify. I talked to her ex later and he said she was likely having a manic episode. When she's like that she has no boundaries. That's when all the crazy stuff happens.

A day or two later she texts me saying she's like that sometimes and if I can't deal with it then maybe we shouldn't be friends. She was really upset that I was offended by her behavior because she thought she was being charming and I was spoiling the fun. I almost stopped talking to her after that incident. However later she said she was sorry she embarrassed me and would try to exert some self-control.

But it made me think she's got a lot of secrets that she isn't willing to reveal to me. Now that I've had time to reflect so much is starting to make sense. Damn my ignorance...

Hechosedrugs

This all seems so twisted. I wouldn't trust her ex for a minute- he could very well be her pimp.

Believe her when she says you don't know her, and if you did, you wouldn't like her.

You need to get far, far away from these people before you go to jail for being an accomplice, or worse, before they pin a crime on you alone.

53500

DesertFox - She probably does and you're better off not knowing. What good would it do? Her other 'secrets' are likely to be more variations of the lies, addictions, crimes, overall sickness and dysfunction that is her life. She is a very damaged person and it's sad, it really is, but you can't change or cure her. Your friendship and help haven't changed her yet, right?

She needs professional and spiritual help but she has to seek it for herself.

In the meantime, it's hurting you to keep the relationship, sporadic though it is. I suggest you stay away and think of the experience as lessons learned.

I was involved with an addict/alcoholic in the 70s. I almost married him after a period of sobriety. I was with him through many sordid, frightening events and times, like you were. I won't go into the whole thing but leaving him was the best decision of my life.

Stay strong and stay far away.

DesertFoxAZ

I had been threatening to pull away for over a year and I think she realized I wouldn't actually do that. I held onto the belief that I could help her and being in frequent contact with her ex, I thought both of us could get her into treatment. I had suggested doing an intervention and including her oldest son (I've met both her sons; the youngest is autistic) and her best friend (who I've never met) but he said that was bad idea but did not say why. Her ex threatened to walk away many times but of course he never did that and now they're living together. Last time I heard from him he says he's with her day in and day out but apparently he doesn't keep much of an eye on her since she's been arrested twice since.

hechosedrugs - Her ex is not the pimp. I am completely sure of that because he confronted the Lyft driver when she returned to her apartment late one night. I know he's trying to help her but I question whether he's actually capable of it. He shared so much with me I am surprised. I don't envy the guy at all. But he told me himself he has wired money to her so she could get her "medicine" and even drove her to the dealer's house so she could get heroin and get high on the way to the detox center. I can't believe he did that, it seems counterproductive. However, there is a very strange dynamic between them. It seems very codependent, but also she's got serious daddy issues (her father abused her) because her ex-fiancé and ex-husband were several years older than she. Also, she manipulates him and he admitted to that because he has a hard time saying no to her. I think he feels a lot of guilt because he likely thinks none of this would be happening if he hadn't broken off their engagement. I seriously doubt that but I don't think anyone would be able to convince him otherwise.

I realized that if I continued to hang out with her I might get in trouble and once she got arrested the second time I knew I wasn't going to see her again. I have a clean record and would like to keep it that way. I lost all hope that she would get better after that. That was my breaking point.

53500 - You are correct. I came to the conclusion a while ago yet I'm still straining to fully grasp everything that's happened. It's difficult when you've believed something for so long to find out none of it was real and you start to question your own sanity. She resented the fact that I spoke to her ex frequently and had even got into his phone and read the texts between us and she flipped out. He shared probably too much with me honestly and when he revealed to me she started using heroin I started shaking. I don't really believe in premonitions but that dream I had where she had died started to be a real possibility and that really scared me. I know it probably isn't rational but I think if she died I'd feel partly responsible because I would feel like I didn't do enough. Fortunately, she and I have been estranged long enough now that if it did happen now, I would certainly be sad but I know that she's no longer my responsibility. I expressed everything I felt about the situation in a series of very long emails, but I have no idea if she ever read them. Whatever, I got everything off my chest. I have nothing left to say to her. The last thing I said to her was she would never hear from me again and I need to keep my word.

53500

Yes, you do, it's best. You were smart to realize you could get in trouble and that you chose to not go down this sad and destructive path with her.

I also came close to trouble during my years with my ex - like having the cops search my purse at a bus station. I was a college student then and had been a 'good girl' all my life but fell in love, or so I thought, with an addict. For a time I thought our love could conquer all. However, after enough violence, drunk/stoned driving, police near-misses, lies, broken promises, having my stuff stolen, and on and on - the usual litany of addict life - I came to my senses, told him goodbye and never looked back.

Now, it stuns me I spent that much time with him, put up with that much crap. Lessons learned!

Lesson One: Although I'm intelligent, professional, educated: I'm capable of making huge f'in mistakes in my personal relationships.

Lesson Two: Don't repeat the mistake of thinking I could 'save' an addict.

It was 40 years ago and I have not forgotten those lessons. It sounds like you won't, either.

You express concern about healing, getting past the damage of not being able to trust. You will. Just keep going and wait until you know someone well before you trust them. When you see red flags, pay attention. There are lots of good people out there.

DesertFoxAZ

There is far more to this story but for the privacy of those involved, I won't share here. I am sure I've already said too much but I needed to provide some context.

I have been very fortunate that I have another friend who isn't messed up who has been there for me during this time and have been able to talk to, vent and get advice from. I feel this has been more helpful than the counseling I've been going to. While I've discussed this whole situation with a few people in my life, this other friend (a true friend) has been invaluable in helping me deal with this. I have known her for maybe six years and she's known about what's been going on for the last 16 months or so. She's provided a different perspective but also has withheld judgment which is extremely helpful because I don't feel proud of myself by getting involved in all of this. She doesn't blame me for trying to help my troubled and toxic friend, but has also been brutally honest with me when it comes to some of the questionable decisions I've made when I following my heart (and unfortunately my penis because I did find myself attracted to her) and not my head. I think the closer we get to a specific situation like this we are less likely to see the big picture. Sometimes it takes others to point out the obvious.

Obviously I've never found myself in a situation like this before and hopefully I never will again, especially now that I've been exposed to this. I had a cousin who went to prison for drug-related offences and it cost him his marriage and visitation to his two young daughters. But he has been able to turn his life around and started a successful company so I know people can recover from this and perhaps my toxic friend can too. But at the same time I'm not holding my breath. She did hit bottom and knew if she didn't get help she might die. Unfortunately, it seems she keeps relapsing but I guess that's common. After all I said to her in those emails I have a pretty good feeling that I won't hear from her again regardless of the outcome. I was actually pretty nasty to her and I don't regret anything I said to her. I need to heal. This has been the most traumatic experience of my life.

atalose

I would continue with counseling, it’s been a year since you last had contact with her and all her crazy chaos yet you still can’t put it behind you and move on. It’s affected you in a PTSD kind of way. Have you talked with your counselor about codependency and why you ignored all the red flags with this person yet continued to get further involved?

DesertFoxAZ

Well the last time I saw her was in February and the last time I had contact via text/email was September. I spoke to her briefly on the phone the day after I last saw her. I had also spoken to her ex a few times, the last being in May when she was in the detox facility. I think we all thought she was out of the woods after the was discharged but obviously that hasn't been the case.

I have an appointment with the counselor Wednesday afternoon. I had appointments every week for the last month except last week because they were totally booked up. No doubt I'm suffering from PTSD-like symptoms. I want to let go, I really do. I guess I just want answers but I doubt I'll ever get them.

She made me something as a thank you gift for all the help I've given her, it's sort of like a collage as she's into arts and crafts and it's meant to be hung on the wall. I've never displayed it and in fact it's been stuffed in a closet ever since she gave it to me. She actually asked for it back last March and I've been tempted to mail it to her but that would break there no contact rule. There are times I want to destroy it or throw it in the trash but I haven't been able to do that yet. Perhaps I should as a first step in healing.

atalose

Answer to what exactly?

.
Throw it away, part of letting go of this dysfunctional relationship. Holding onto it is like holding onto the hurt, disappointment, anger and all reminders of this ill-fated friendship.

DesertFoxAZ

I'd rather not go into detail but it relates to her behavior the last time I saw her and the few days afterward. I've asked her about it in text and email and never received a response. That she's manic or on drugs isn't an excuse.

AnvilheadII

Well the last time I saw her was in February and the last time I had contact via text/email was September. I spoke to her briefly on the phone the day after I last saw her. I had also spoken to her ex a few times, the last being in May when she was in the detox facility.

so February 2016? a year ago. and this is someone that you never had a close intimate relationship with, just someone that you knew and became entangled with. AND her ex. and now you are going to counseling and concerned you have PTSD from this interaction.

This has been the most traumatic experience of my life.

by your choice.

DesertFoxAZ

She was not an acquaintance, we've known each other since October 2013, became really close friends and hung out frequently. There are several photos of us together.

Why are you questioning my relationship with her? We were just friends, we were not dating and we did not sleep together. If a good friend was in a bad place, would you not want to help that person? What if that friend died? How would you feel?

I think I may be done discussing this here...

DesertFoxAZ

I'm back. I had gone to a few more counseling sessions and with that I have come to realize and accept that my friend and I were in a co-dependent relationship. That obviously isn't healthy and my attempts to help her were only enabling her. Same with her relationship with her ex.

I found these two articles at Psychology Today that totally nail it (sorry I don't have enough posts to be able to provide the URL's):
I'm slowly healing from the demise of this relationship but I know cutting her out of my life was the correct decision. February 24 marked one year since I last saw her and February 25 was the last time I spoke to her on the phone.

Perhaps I didn't do a good job explaining our relationship before but yes we were very close. Not dating, but it was emotionally intimate. I did feel a strong attraction and affection toward her and I believed the feeling was mutual. I considered her my best friend and I actually thought I was in love with her.

Before she first disappeared (while she was escorting and her subsequent arrest), she and I had been talking several times a week. Her last words to me before all that happened were "can I call you tomorrow?" and then I didn't hear from her again for more than four months. After learning of her arrest, I went into panic mode. When she finally contacted me again, and then finally seeing her a week later was a very happy time for me, even though she told me some of the things that had happened to her which were very disturbing.

I'll admit I'm a but naive when it comes to dealing with people who have substance abuse problems. I really was never exposed to that kind of thing before this. Now that I've done some research I'm pretty sure she was using crystal meth before we met and continued to do so. I had actually suspected that but her ex, who she had frequent contact with, told me that she wasn't on drugs (aside from suboxone) and if she was on something he would know about it, but that her erratic behavior was actually due to her unmedicated bipolar disorder. It is my estimation that either he was blissfully unaware of her drug use or he did know and hid it from me (perhaps because he uses it too?) I don't know him well. I've met him only twice but had talked and texted him many times regarding her situation. I've come to the conclusion that he's just a messed up as she is. I doubt he'll truly be able to help her but it's not my problem anymore.

For the time being, I have decided to discontinue counseling. I am pretty sure we discussed everything that I wanted to discuss. Yes I have a lot of questions for my friend, but I have accepted the fact that I'll likely never get answers for them. I did bring up the possibility that at some point in the future she might attempt to contact me. If that does happen, I am going to ignore her.

aliciagr

wow that is a lot to go through. I think it in your best interest to ignore her completely going forward.

Can I ask, I mean it doesnt look like you knew her well when all this started but you slowly got sucked in and became emotionally connected and some sense of wanting to help her.

In therapy, did you work on how it all unfolded, why you kept going?

I hope you have a peace in the future. Thank you for posting. I read all of it, and really feel for you. Good heart you have, but dont let yourself go there again.

solicitude

The ex stuff sounds really fishy to me. It honestly seems like they were using you together. IDK that's just my instinct on how this sounds and based on things I've seen before. Sometimes these people are MASTER PRO manipulators. They make up the wildest stories because they know OUR motives are empathy, love, support, etc. They sit and think about what is the best lie to work this person over so that they can get the person to believe a false alibi, get a ride, money or stuff from them. It happens. Some people just aren't capable of caring about how heinous they are to other people because they are caught up in a world of addiction or mental problems. She seems to have a drug problem on top of a mental health issue. This makes it 1000000 times worse, in the way of behavior and relapse. These people have the hardest time getting or staying clean and they tend to do the craziest things.
When it comes to touchy situations like these, I know that all of us tend to take offense or feel insulted by many things others say. But just know that NOTHING here is said with the intention to insult or demean or hurt you. The offense tends to be taken when a person is trying to be blatantly honest in their opinion. Which is what you NEED soo desperately in times like this. I never had that in my life, everyone just let me think what I wanted to think, I guess because it was too much work to go against my offense taking. Now, that hurts to think about. It feels like I wasn't worth that work to them. That I needed someone to SHAKE ME and say SNAP OUT OF IT. And now that I've moved on from my problems, I tend to be most grateful when a person can just be plain honest with me instead of beating around the bush and being concerned about what I WANT TO HEAR. Because What I WANT to hear is not what I NEED to hear, is not what will HELP ME in the long term, is not what will PREPARE me for REAL LIFE.

DesertFoxAZ

My therapist over the course of the last two appointments thought it may have had something to do with the fact that I'm adopted and I was supportive of her decision to give her daughter up for adoption. (Had I known of her drug addiction however, I likely wouldn't have felt that way.) I had a hard time thinking what correlation there was aside from that she has an open adoption while my own (42 years ago) was closed. I've never had a desire to seek out my birth parents but she hopes some day to have a relationship with her daughter. However, I may have mentioned above that the Uber/Lyft driver who was acting as her pimp had emailed the adoptive parents pretending to be her and said some really damaging things that sent her into a panic. Her ex had supposedly cut her out of his life when this happened (he changed his phone number so she couldn't reach him anymore) but she reached out to him for help to resolve this problem. Anyway, I don't know what I would do if I found out my birth parent(s) is/are or were drug addicts, prostitutes, or whatever. I don't think I'd want to know that. However, I don't know if I buy into my counselor's theory in regards to that.

The thing is, not all times with her were crazy. There were a lot of good times that I look upon fondly. But unfortunately the bad times outweighed the good and that's why I had to break it off. Her ex told me on numerous occasions that he thought she was a narcissist and upon doing some research of my own, I agree with that sentiment. She was a predator and unfortunately I was the kind of prey she looks for. I gave her a lot of money that I know I'll never see again. Yet after all the times I threatened to walk away, I always caved and she actually said in our last conversation that she didn't believe I'd actually walk away but I certainly have this time.

The main reason I kept going was because I really believed she wanted to get better and just needed help getting there. But now I know there was a lot more going on behind the scenes that I was unaware of. I really wish I had said no when she first came to me for help. I could have avoided all of this.

I still think about her every day. But I hope time will heal the wounds and right now I don't really feel counseling will help any more. What it did accomplish though was making me realize that under no circumstances can having a relationship with her can be healthy and I need to avoid her at all costs. I shouldn't expect an apology from her for anything and if I do it won't be sincere. And if by chance I run into her somewhere I hope I have the strength to stay away because the last thing I want is to get back into this mess.

DesertFoxAZ

I really don't know her ex well but I don't think too favorably of him. While he shared a lot with me, I feel like he was using me to spy on her and once they moved back in together he had no reason to talk to me anymore. He told me at the time he had nobody else to talk to about this stuff and while he didn't know me and wouldn't actually meet me for four more months, he knew we both had her best interests in mind.

But he's also a hypocrite because he made such a big deal about how important integrity is and he was being deceitful himself. Unfortunately, we both were enabling her, but at least I didn't drive her to her dealer's house and give her money to buy drugs. He admitted doing that immediately before putting her into detox the first time and I am sure he did it many other times as well.

I didn't see AnvilheadII's comments as an insult, I just needed to walk away because I felt that I had nothing else to contribute to this thread, at least until I finished my counseling sessions and doing more research. I have an analytical mind (I'm an engineer) so I like to have an understanding of why things happen. I also have a good friend who I've shared some of this with and she's been very blunt with me about this whole situation and I'm actually grateful for that. I haven't mentioned any of this to my family because I am pretty certain I wouldn't get the right kind of support from them.