I'm back. I had gone to a few more counseling sessions and with that I have come to realize and accept that my friend and I were in a co-dependent relationship. That obviously isn't healthy and my attempts to help her were only enabling her. Same with her relationship with her ex.
I found these two articles at Psychology Today that totally nail it (sorry I don't have enough posts to be able to provide the URL's):
Codependent relationships are close relationships where much of the love and intimacy in the relationship is experienced in the context of one person’s distress and the other’s rescuing or enabling. The helper shows love primarily through the provision of assistance and the other feels loved primarily when they receive assistance. The intense shared experiences of the other’s struggles and disasters and the helper’s rescues deepen the emotional connection and feelings of intimacy.
You’re in a self-sacrificing relationship that reeks of “codependence.”
It’s one-sided and closeness is based on one person being a giver and the other an under-functioning taker. Much of the love and intimacy in the relationship is experienced in the context of the one person’s distress or poor functioning and the other’s rescuing or enabling. Or the relationship is mostly about one person’s excessive giving and the other person’s excessive taking.
I'm slowly healing from the demise of this relationship but I know cutting her out of my life was the correct decision. February 24 marked one year since I last saw her and February 25 was the last time I spoke to her on the phone.
Perhaps I didn't do a good job explaining our relationship before but yes we were very close. Not dating, but it was emotionally intimate. I did feel a strong attraction and affection toward her and I believed the feeling was mutual. I considered her my best friend and I actually thought I was in love with her.
Before she first disappeared (while she was escorting and her subsequent arrest), she and I had been talking several times a week. Her last words to me before all that happened were "can I call you tomorrow?" and then I didn't hear from her again for more than four months. After learning of her arrest, I went into panic mode. When she finally contacted me again, and then finally seeing her a week later was a very happy time for me, even though she told me some of the things that had happened to her which were very disturbing.
I'll admit I'm a but naive when it comes to dealing with people who have substance abuse problems. I really was never exposed to that kind of thing before this. Now that I've done some research I'm pretty sure she was using crystal meth before we met and continued to do so. I had actually suspected that but her ex, who she had frequent contact with, told me that she wasn't on drugs (aside from suboxone) and if she was on something he would know about it, but that her erratic behavior was actually due to her unmedicated bipolar disorder. It is my estimation that either he was blissfully unaware of her drug use or he did know and hid it from me (perhaps because he uses it too?) I don't know him well. I've met him only twice but had talked and texted him many times regarding her situation. I've come to the conclusion that he's just a messed up as she is. I doubt he'll truly be able to help her but it's not my problem anymore.
For the time being, I have decided to discontinue counseling. I am pretty sure we discussed everything that I wanted to discuss. Yes I have a lot of questions for my friend, but I have accepted the fact that I'll likely never get answers for them. I did bring up the possibility that at some point in the future she might attempt to contact me. If that does happen, I am going to ignore her.