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Old 08-22-2016, 07:41 AM
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Yours Truly,
I will repeat my suggestion that you start a thread in one of the non Friends and Family sections if you are looking for input from addicts.
At this time there is no plan for a dedicated forum.
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Old 08-22-2016, 10:15 AM
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Originally Posted by cece1960 View Post
Yours Truly,
I will repeat my suggestion that you start a thread in one of the non Friends and Family sections if you are looking for input from addicts.
I never said that.

At this time there is no plan for a dedicated forum.
My point exactly.

I have attempted to be as diplomatic and as balanced as possible in expressing my opinions which I believe to be truthful, and there has barely been a willingness to address those opinions honestly or openly. Can we just end this topic please? I've said all I want to say.
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Old 08-23-2016, 11:57 AM
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Well, I'm not too proud to swallow my pride and issue apologize, and so I have to Ann. I also apologize to most everyone else who was offended. As always, I am extremely gracious and grateful toward each and every person who has contributed to this thread. I knew who I was reaching out to when I started this thread, and if I wasn't seeking diverse opinions I never would have asked.

Sometimes when I am angry I deflect from the real issues that I am bothered by and express that emotion in unconstructive ways.

At times I have covered up my emotions in an effort to conceal when I most need input. I am not unaware that I am an extremely poor communicator in ways that matter. As much as my heart is in the right place, I question very strongly whether I am cognitively prepared to maintain peaceful communications with people on any level and I am very isolated other than short shopping trips, doctor visits and brief therapy. Since I moved to my current location 6 years ago I haven't turned on the TV once, not even to watch local news. I have literally lived as a hermit for the past 6 years and haven't posted anywhere. So I'm very disconnected. "Off the hook", so to speak.

Perhaps I should just read the threads here and work with my therapist for a while.

I thought I would honestly express those thoughts.


P.S. I also wanted to mention that a lot of the details that I have disclosed in this thread have been changed for privacy reasons. That's just how I am.
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Old 08-23-2016, 01:40 PM
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As far as honest and open communication, I kind of compare it to political correctness. While it might appear to keep the peace, in the long run it creates oppression. It discourages free speech and is a form of censorship. It contradicts the First Amendment.

Part of the reason I left my old Sober Recovery account in 2007 was because I got tired of squirming in my chair in front of my computer like I was sitting on a hard church pew. I'm not even that liberal.

Just a thought, just a thought. . . .this is something I thought was important to share. In some cases it's probably best to observe than to absorb.

;-)
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Old 08-23-2016, 03:27 PM
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And those "thanks" buttons that so many message boards utilize? While they're not a form of censorship, they do detract from meaningful communication. Those buttons were merely designed as a means of saving data space, not as some "bonus" feature.

And what happened to all the good emoticons, anyway? Lol!

It's funny. . . .I actually saved some of the old emoticons from SR back from the old days. Here's one:



I don't have as many as I thought I did. . . .I wish I'd gotten more. I did save some of the nice ones too, for what it's worth.
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Old 08-24-2016, 12:33 PM
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Well, as I was deflecting once again, I s'pose I ought to get back to the issue that brought me here in the first place *sigh*. Heavy sigh. I've been trying to avoid it. Because I failed.

When I chose to contact my Dad, there was a hairline fracture in my resolve not to do so and it was an impulsive decision based on an empathic instinct. The next day I cried uncontrollably. Cried and cried and cried. I tried so hard to think through it logically. I thought about it overtime. For all my efforts I failed.

All I needed was a little more time.

It wasn't so much that I didn't know what to say; I didn't realize until afterward that it was the emotional entanglement I would be facing by opening that door. He wrote me back about two minutes after I replied with my compliment about the wig, ending his email with "Love, Dad." That's when I knew. I automatically felt I would be obligated to respond "Love, (.........)."

I think that what I said regarding the wig was appropriate, honest and somewhat impersonal. The message wasn't intended to be delivered to her personally with the purpose of gaining anyone's approval. Again he replied within two minutes, which I didn't get around to for a couple of days, telling me that he would deliver that message to her right away. I didn't respond to that.

A couple of days ago, my boyfriend forwarded an email to me of an adorable gif video of a bird house set up as a human house. She's into birds, so I forwarded the video to him. Just the video - no message. He wrote back within two minutes again, telling me that he would make sure that my stepmom would see it, and that it would be sure to make her smile. I read that email just before I started this post. Thankfully he ended that email without expectation of a response.

All of his emails have been about her; all of them attempts to coax me to pacify her feelings in some way. No apologies about their behavior. It's always, ALWAYS been about her.

I can't emphasize enough the enormous amount of effort I have put into pacifying her and expressing appreciation that she really never deserved (that was flat-out approval seeking, and although I didn't see it as such then, I do now). We're both just chess pieces to my Dad. Come to think of it, she was posed like a chess piece in those pictures wearing her wig. I guess his/her anger just all pretty much stems from my not making myself available to wipe her butt I guess.

I am in no condition for butt wiping.
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Old 08-24-2016, 01:00 PM
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YoursTruly...I am sending you a big hug!!!!!!!!

dandylion
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Old 08-24-2016, 01:51 PM
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Didn't I say I was an extremely poor communicator and that I wasn't going to post anymore? Well, it's not my thread's fault.

I really don't care if my Dad ever finds it, either. Not one bit. Not that I ever think he would. There are a half-million people in the world named Vicki, and there are probably another half-million people who have retired from General Motors. Even if he did find this website, it would be like garlic dangling under his nose.

Nope, not afraid of him. Not physically, anyway. He's had every opportunity to put a cap in my crown. He has too much to lose. By the time his assets have dwindled away, he'll have lost his marbles.

My Dad said his biggest fear is Alzheimer's. He's also a conservative racist bigot. I always kind of snickered to myself, thinking, "If he gets Alzheimer's, I'll convince him what a compassionate, humanitarian Democrat he's always been and that Obama is Jesus."
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Old 08-24-2016, 02:00 PM
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Welcome, Yours Truly, most of us here are codependent, I KNOW I am , so you have come to the right place.

as you can see above... there are a ton of us out here in the same Neverland boat.. hang on tight to this group of sillys.. for they are the best .. from the bottom of my heart... prayers and kiddo... my Pop was like yours only a Marine DI POPPPA BEAR besides.. love him to bits.. but the son of a gun is gone and can't hurt anyone anymore..
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Old 08-24-2016, 02:03 PM
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Originally Posted by dandylion View Post
YoursTruly...I am sending you a big hug!!!!!!!!

dandylion
Oh, well thank you so much Dandylion! That's so very sweet of you. Hugs to you too.

:-)
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Old 08-24-2016, 02:12 PM
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Originally Posted by ardy View Post
Welcome, Yours Truly, most of us here are codependent, I KNOW I am , so you have come to the right place.

as you can see above... there are a ton of us out here in the same Neverland boat.. hang on tight to this group of sillys.. for they are the best .. from the bottom of my heart... prayers and kiddo... my Pop was like yours only a Marine DI POPPPA BEAR besides.. love him to bits.. but the son of a gun is gone and can't hurt anyone anymore..
Thank you for your kind words, Ardy.

I'm very sorry for your situation. Thank you for sharing. I hope you were able to find some closure where your Pop is concerned. It seems like you have. You still feel love and understand that he can't hurt anyone anymore. That's really good.
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Old 08-24-2016, 04:32 PM
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It might seem kind of unbelievable that I haven't expressed any anger or hostility toward my Dad or my stepmom, not directly or even indirectly, but it's this way - my Dad has always been in denial, has always been violent toward me, and I have always had to walk on eggshells with him. All of the thoughts about him that I have shared here are not things I have said to him.

My angry outbursts are usually very short-lived. Like a flash in the pan, and I'm over it. But not in my Dad's case. It's been brewing for a long time. After the way he has treated me, things will never be the same. I think I have made my boundaries clear in my rather detached, recent email responses and I'm glad. But I know he's recalculating, because he's probably misconstruing my motives. . . .he'll probably come back with something like: "You don't care about us!!!!"

I'm not angry with SR - not really. I took a lot of good things away. I'm still addiction free, and my gripes are petty. I know when I'm being pessimistic. At least in hindsight. That's not to say I don't cling to my core beliefs, but. . . .whatever. There are a variety of forums here. As rationality seeps back in, I think that admin has probably done the best they can by creating those. I realize that this is a place where people are trying to seek equilibrium and that it's a really tough challenge to confront the issues that I mentioned without creating pandemonium, at least initially. Thread bannage might work if things got out of control, but I really don't want to go off into that subject again.

Anger management group is tonight. Our group leader/therapist/psychologist is really brilliant and knows her stuff. It is fast-paced though, and it is difficult to remember a lot of what she says. Then, too, there are sometimes a dozen or so people who show up so I don't get a chance to squeeze in a whole lot of questions. My question of the day is: "Is anger a useless emotion?" I remember reading that in one of Wayne Dyer's books a long time ago, and at the time it made a whole lot of rational sense to me. But right now, I think my anger is serving a purpose in that it is keeping me at arm's length from my Dad. Strange, when anger usually creates the opposite reaction (or rather, the angry person allows his or her self to act on the emotion).

My short-term memory is sometimes pretty poor. I take a drug called Topamax for migraines and due to the fast pace of the group sessions it makes it that much easier to forget the information that's being exchanged. Last week I took a picture of something she wrote on the dry-erase board that I thought was really eye-opening that I didn't want to forget (and which I did until today). She said that anger. . . .


. . . .stems from fear and hurt. I thought that was interesting and thought I'd share it.
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Old 08-24-2016, 05:00 PM
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Hi Yours Truly, you got me thinking, Anger had a place in my recovery, it propelled me to get to the bottom of a lot of truth and help me to not feel fearful anymore. when I started unravelling the ball of dysfunctional wool which was how I was treated, I was really mad, it took sometime to work through it but I was really angry and did use that has motivation to push through. I think the depth of you wanting to understand and find the truth for you is commendable.
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Old 08-24-2016, 06:25 PM
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So it occurred to me that the reason I am detaching from my Dad isn't really out of anger. . . .it's due to the root causes of fear and hurt! Lightbulb moment! Yay!

:-)

In other thoughts, when I was in my early 20s I was in a relationship with a clear-cut sociopath. This guy did things to me that would be unimaginable coming from a "regular" person. . . .even a person with other serious psychological disorders. We were together for 2.5 years. He was the only - the ONLY - person in my life that I was ever unable to forgive. Late this past March I found out that he had died a couple of weeks previous to that due an accidental fentanyl overdose. I mulled it over for a couple of weeks. I felt some empathy, being that we're all fallible beings, all made of biological materials, all imperfect, all born with certain limitations. In the end, he didn't even care about himself let alone anyone else.

I'm not sure if I ever truly forgave him though. It's a tough one.

Well, off to group.
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Old 08-24-2016, 06:31 PM
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Hi Ring. . . .I'm sorry I missed your post. I'll respond when I get home. Thanks.

:-)
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Old 08-24-2016, 09:23 PM
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Did I say we were infallible? Heh. Well, maybe he thought he was.

It still sucks though. The world is so full of human tragedy. For whatever reason, his brain wasn't in a place where he was able to take care of himself. He was somebody's baby once. He was a brother and an uncle. He was my brother's best friend. My brother was the one who broke the news. I had pretty much put the dude out of my mind. I told my brother I never wanted to talk about him previous to that.

He was found crumpled on the floor in his mother's house. I told my brother that after I found out he died, I was immediately convinced that an inferno had been created just for him and that his soul dropped right through the floor and went straight to hell. I liked his Mom a lot. Really nice lady. She did have kind of a haunted look about her, but she had a peaceful aura. I can't imagine how she felt. I wondered what I would do if I were her. I thought I would just put a really cool rug in that spot.

But if it were me, it would probably just have Marilyn Manson on it or something. I don't know. In reality, I'd probably just want to crawl out of my skin. Really odd things started happening with me after I found out he died, and my mind just can't afford to go there. I just try to stay grounded in reality as much as possible.
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Old 08-24-2016, 09:47 PM
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Originally Posted by ring View Post
Hi Yours Truly, you got me thinking, Anger had a place in my recovery, it propelled me to get to the bottom of a lot of truth and help me to not feel fearful anymore. when I started unravelling the ball of dysfunctional wool which was how I was treated, I was really mad, it took sometime to work through it but I was really angry and did use that has motivation to push through. I think the depth of you wanting to understand and find the truth for you is commendable.
Ring, if only I'd seen your post I would have gotten to that lightbulb moment a whole lot quicker! Lol! I didn't refresh the page before I posted and that's why I missed your comments. Lesson learned.

I am motivated as well, Ring, very much so. I think your motivation is commendable too. I hope you will continue to share what brought you so far, and thank you for taking the time to do so today. I'm like a sponge right now.

I was PMing with another member and I told this individual that I appreciated his/her honesty, that it was very important to me and that I need that. I'm not defensive or offended by that kind of honesty AT ALL. I can take constructive criticism. I'm aware of my personal limitations for the most part. And if I'm not, then if it's truthful feedback, I will recognize it as truthful. So don't be afraid to call me out on something. Seriously - it's ok. I can't move forward if I'm not honest with myself.
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Old 08-24-2016, 11:23 PM
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Hi Yours Truly, thanks! I will continue as I do to share anything that I think will add value to moving forward and if not I will tend to just read. Have a lovely night. Ring
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Old 08-25-2016, 09:18 AM
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Originally Posted by ring View Post
Hi Yours Truly, thanks! I will continue as I do to share anything that I think will add value to moving forward and if not I will tend to just read. Have a lovely night. Ring
Sure. . . .that's fine Ring. Thanks for hanging out and for letting me know. That's awesome.

:-)
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Old 08-25-2016, 10:29 AM
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I was thinking about something Ann said about my tendency to microanalyze. She was correct about that and it did not escape my notice. It usually applies to things I do not understand, and I'm not always good at it. In the case of the forums, I was generalizing though, and perhaps being a bit too idealistic. I do that a lot. Microanalyze and idealize.

I found a new subject to microanalyze. Well, kind of. Last week we had a newcomer to our anger management group. It didn't take long for me to pick up that there was something seriously unstable about him. He wasn't threatening. He was friendly, but overly friendly. So because I'm not a psychologist, I was overly scrutinizing his behavior. He sat right next to the door as if poised for quick escape. There was something very static about him. The best description I can come up with to describe what it felt like to be in the same room with him was like static electricity. Pretty benign, but staticky nonetheless.

Picketypicketypicketypicketypicketypicketypick.

Last night he sat in the same place, right next to the door and poised for escape.

My seat has consistently been in the opposite corner of the room diagonal to the door. Probably not the best place to be in an anger management group. There are people in there who say things like "I wanted to punch that guy in the throat" or "I'm not going back to jail over that" or "My employer doesn't feel safe having me around" or "My wife of 27 years left me". . . .things of that nature. You never know who's packing heat. So yesterday in group I found myself replaying in my mind that thing they taught us in grade school to protect our heads and vital organs in case of a tornado. It is of some solace that those who made it there are there because they want to be there and aren't in prison.

Incidentally, my one and only rant during group was during my first session, when I said I only like sick people. Genuinely sick people. I said I couldn't stand the gluttonous, loud, obnoxious, rude people at ihop on Saturday and Sunday mornings and my opinion hasn't changed about that. Ihop even adds pancake batter to their eggs. Disgusting. I don't even like eggs. The place just reminds me of Sodom and Gomorrah. The world reminds me of Sodom and Gomorrah. I'm only using that as a metaphorical example.

Anyway, this guy just burst into tears last night during group. I felt so bad for him. I wanted to get up and put my hand on his shoulder or something, but then realized that some people don't like being touched. He cried for a long time and just silently and got up and left after a while.

It wasn't until later that I realized that I could have just asked him if he wouldn't have minded if I sat in the empty seat next to him, and maybe I could have told him that he did a good job just showing up. I hope he shows up next week, and I'll tell him then.

Other than that, group was just ok. No earth-shattering revelations. One thing I liked was that our group therapist asked us what we planned to do this week to work toward solving anger issues. I said I would work toward strengthening boundaries. I guess if that applies toward fear and hurt then it qualifies. She validated that decision anyway.
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