Well, as I was deflecting once again, I s'pose I ought to get back to the issue that brought me here in the first place *sigh*. Heavy sigh. I've been trying to avoid it. Because I failed.
When I chose to contact my Dad, there was a hairline fracture in my resolve not to do so and it was an impulsive decision based on an empathic instinct. The next day I cried uncontrollably. Cried and cried and cried. I tried so hard to think through it logically. I thought about it overtime. For all my efforts I failed.
All I needed was a little more time.
It wasn't so much that I didn't know what to say; I didn't realize until afterward that it was the emotional entanglement I would be facing by opening that door. He wrote me back about two minutes after I replied with my compliment about the wig, ending his email with "Love, Dad." That's when I knew. I automatically felt I would be obligated to respond "Love, (.........)."
I think that what I said regarding the wig was appropriate, honest and somewhat impersonal. The message wasn't intended to be delivered to her personally with the purpose of gaining anyone's approval. Again he replied within two minutes, which I didn't get around to for a couple of days, telling me that he would deliver that message to her right away. I didn't respond to that.
A couple of days ago, my boyfriend forwarded an email to me of an adorable gif video of a bird house set up as a human house. She's into birds, so I forwarded the video to him. Just the video - no message. He wrote back within two minutes again, telling me that he would make sure that my stepmom would see it, and that it would be sure to make her smile. I read that email just before I started this post. Thankfully he ended that email without expectation of a response.
All of his emails have been about her; all of them attempts to coax me to pacify her feelings in some way. No apologies about their behavior. It's always, ALWAYS been about her.
I can't emphasize enough the enormous amount of effort I have put into pacifying her and expressing appreciation that she really never deserved (that was flat-out approval seeking, and although I didn't see it as such then, I do now). We're both just chess pieces to my Dad. Come to think of it, she was posed like a chess piece in those pictures wearing her wig. I guess his/her anger just all pretty much stems from my not making myself available to wipe her butt I guess.
I am in no condition for butt wiping.