Kimmieh

I know it's hard, but please be scared for yourself first...

CanfixONLYme

runner - I'm really glad Mfox and you have connected - sounding boards etc. --- this is good. I was really where you were ... just so freaking scared and sick to my stomach that my AH was going to overdose somewhere... was always paranoid and stressed to the max whenever I was out somewhere or he disappeared. It's really not a life as you are finding out.

My AH was living with his mum at the time of his death and died in her basement room. That was a 'safe' place... for him to recover, USE and just not be held accountable for his actions. It could have happened in our apartment if I had let him back home. Who knows? All I'm saying is that it is out of control wherever they decide to use... it doesn't matter. They are using. Period.

For years I let him back, let him back, let him back... until I couldn't take it anymore. You will get to this point, especially if he makes no effort to change, continues with his verbal abuse/assaults on you and your world becomes so black that you just can't see any other way except to have him leave. I was contemplating suicide before he left... just because I couldn't think of a way 'out'... without hurting him and me in the process.

However, these were just fleeting thoughts because I now realize, after all that, the only person I can take care of is ME. That's all. Even now, it's a 'chore' and freaking scary, but at least it is only me and now I have no excuses to do otherwise.

Keep your chin up - mourn what you and he have had over the past 11 years. It doesn't take a few weeks for these feelings to just 'disappear' and for you to become 'strong' and boot him to the curb (or whatever you decide to do).

It takes time and pain and hurt and growth to get there. Just keep coming back... and keep reading stories of others and their journeys. It does help.

Hugs again from Vancouver BC.

PerhapsLove

I, too, am fairly new to dealing with addiction. My daughter dropped deep into alcoholism 2 years ago and then moved in with a heroin addict she met in rehab. Of course she became a heroin and cocaine addict, too, which I only learned a few days ago. These boards have been so helpful to me and I urge you to keep reading and posting. There is a tremendous amount of support here.

The hardest part for me has been letting go of the worrying about what she is doing. If she doesn't answer calls or texts I worry that she has overdosed. Although I am fearful of what will happen to her in jail, I now believe it would be the best place for her.

I agree with the posts that say you need to distance yourself from him. If he won't even admit to you that he is using, he certainly isn't ready for treatment. Because you love him, you will have a hard time doing this. But understand that you can't fix him. He is in control of that. You do need to take care of yourself. I am happy for you that you have family and friends who will be there for you. That will make a difference.

Hugs and prayers. We have been dragged into a life that we never would have chosen for ourselves. But we can escape.

allforcnm

Just wanted to recommend a book that has helped me a lot these past months in regards to my husband:

Get Your Loved One Sober: Alternatives to Nagging, Pleading, and Threatening
by Robert J Meyers Ph.D.

You can look up reviews on Amazon.

Wishing you some calm this weekend; take your time and think things through. CANFIXONLYME is so right... this is all a process and it takes time to figure out what we need for ourselves.... there is no clear right or wrong, its just a matter of determining what you need at given points in time.

runner1981

I couldn't agree more with this statement! I NEVER would have chosen this path for myself!

outtolunch

The beauty is that you can get off Mr. Toad's Wild Ride any time you want to do so.

FindingErica

Yep, my AH was blaming me for everything all the time. It got old real fast. He said i needed to change my language and stop calling it drugs. He was usingall those incense/spice products. Some of them are really bad, people downplay because they were legal and he could pass a drug test. He said all kinds of things against me to justify his using- i was fat, a nag, lazy..etc. he claims to be clean over 3 mo now, but he is still blaming everyone for his life. His mom called me yesterday to say she ws upset because he is still angry. My point, if they are still blaming and angry, the problem persists. Once they commit to recovery, the process is long and has its setbacks. My hat is off to anyone who can detach and maintain their own sense of self and go through the recovery process with their addict. I couldnt take no more. My point, your addict is not anywhere near recovery, he will tear you down and drag you down to his low ifyou ont protect yourself

FindingErica

The title of that book already sounds contadictory to the tried and true common sense that there is nothing a person can do to get a loved one sober. Sounds like a book that would keep the codependent on the hamster wheel of codependency.

Exerpt from the editorial review:

If you have "tried everything" and nothing has worked, but you are not ready to give up, then you are in the right place. The scientifically validated program on which this book is based has been designed specifically for people who feel they have "tried it all." They have scolded, nagged, begged, bribed, detached, and tried a few tricks not fit to print. Just like you, they love their drinkers enough to keep trying and trying. What they have not done (and what we will teach you to do) is use that love to change the way they and their drinkers interact so that they spend less time feeling miserable and their loved ones discover

Something doesnt feel right about this. Detaching is not a "trick" to get someone sober. Trying and trying does not necessarily indicate love and not trying anymore does not indicate a lack of love. Sometimes trying and trying just indicates the person trying is still trying to control and manipulate and fix which is part of the codie sickness.

SundaysChild

I read the book (I think I read them all in my search for the "answer" that I KNEW had to be out there somewhere)

It basically advises to give the addict positive reinforcement when they are not using, working on recovery, etc. Not BAD advice, but a true codie can drive herself crazy watching the addict for things they should reward.

allforcnm

Maybe the book has been helpful to me because Im not practicing detachment with my husband, and this book has taught me constructive ways to interact with him. My husband is not using now, but I still find it useful in other interactions revolving around the past drug use, and wounds we both suffered. As I said, it was recommended by my family therapist from his rehab center. I wont hijack the thread here to discuss the concepts of the book, but there are several of us on the F&F Alcohol forum that are reading (or re-reading) and we plan to discuss it on that forum shortly if anyone is interested.

runner1981

I just wanted to come on here and post a quick update. My fiance unfortunately suffered a mild heart attack today and is in the hospital as I write this. He was in the ER all day and was admitted tonight. Tomorrow he is having a stress test and a cardiac catheterization. I do believe that drugs played a role in this, although he is also diabetic and has not been taking care of himself for the past year. I am desperately hoping that this will be a wakeup call for him. Maybe this heart attack was the house that needed to fall on him, so to speak, to make him realize how dangerous this behavior is. He might not be able to come home for a couple of more days, depending on what the tests tomorrow show. He claims that his urine drug test at the hospital was totally negative (that was one of the first things he told me), but I do know that some types of bath salts will not show up on a drug test. I just don't know. I just hope and pray that after this, things will be different.

Release1992

Your story sounds just like mine. He is no longer the wonderful man you fell in love with
The only thing he loves now is his new love, his drug of choice.
I am surprised to hear he is a nurse because I know most hospitals do
Drug screens before hiring.

Don't let him suck the life out of you. Don't be his safe haven any longer.
You need to protect yourself. Unfortunately he may never learn until he is at
Rock bottom. No fiancé, no job, no home and possibly no nursing license

You didn't say if you work because if you do most all employers have employee assistance. Look into that and like many others have advised, protect yourself at all costs.

Take care of you You are the most important. You can't change him or fix him.
You deserve the happiness that you want so bad. You will find it, but the journey maybe long but will be worth it in the long run

dollydo

Release nailed it:

"Don't let him suck the life out of you. Don't be his safe haven any longer.
You need to protect yourself. Unfortunately he may never learn until he is at
Rock bottom. No fiancé, no job, no home and possibly no nursing license.'

I am sorry that he had a heart attack, but that may not change a thing. If you
don't change you, nothing will change. It sounds like you are planning to take him back home with you...yet again.

LoveMeNow

Just a reminder - Nothing changes, if nothing changes.

Right now, I would be so scared about his health and it would be hard not to enable him and have sympathy. What do you think would happen if you left him in the hospital and allowed him to feel the consequences of his actions...alone!!

It's during these times of clarity, that can help him. But the want must come from within him. His brain is most likely SCREAMING for his DOC and the more he lies to you, the more his brain is working to protect and sustain his addiction.

Unfortunately, most of us are not drug counselors and yet we try to continue to act like we are. We are not qualified and refuse to see that. Please try not to "council" him about his addiction anymore then you would advise the Doctors how to treat his heart. It's just not our area of expertise.

My prayers are with you both!

FindingErica

Sorry to hear what happened, but it may or may not change anything. I'm a nurse and you would be surprised at how many do not give up addictions in the presence of a health crisis induced by that very addiction. Also I don't believe bath salts show up in routine drug tests. They are part of that new group of designer drugs that are thus far escaping drug testing because they are new and the manufacturers change the chemical composition. My AH is addicted to spice/incense for that reason, it does not show on a drug screen. He passed 5 drug screens at the height of his usage.

hello-kitty

It's so funny because I used to think this myself - that I didn't choose the path I was on. After dealing with my pyscho addict ex, throught the process of recovery, I went through a period of deep self-examination.

I thought about EVERYTHING I had done in my life, all the choices I had made, that had got me to the point that I was at. I learned that I was responsible for my path. That all my choices got me to where I was. Even choices I had made 20 years ago - before I met my ex. Even if I didn't know that was where I was headed at the time.

Accepting responsibility for the path I was on empowered me to change the path I was on. It was a big step for me. I'm so glad I came to that point though. I learned to make wise decisions, based on the way things are instead of the way I imagined them to be. I learned to accept responsibility for my situation. I learned how to change my situation. I'm in a much better place now.

LoveMeNow

Great post Hello-Kitty!

In some cases, I think life can throw us curve ball that we never saw coming or couldn't control. It's the choices we make from there, that determine the path we will be on. I just know I don't ever want to "play" the victim role again.

hello-kitty

Yep. Life definitely throws curve balls and it can be downright inhospitable and unfair at times. I am always on the look out for unfortunately curve balls. In my case, I have accepted that the way I react to curve balls determines the path I am on. For me, it all goes back to controlling two things: my actions and my reactions to other people's actions.

runner1981

This is what I'm doing...I got a text message from my fiance saying "I'm really lonely. I wish you would come and visit me." I replied by saying "You have turned your back on me as well as everyone else who cares about you and love you multiple times over again over again this past year with all of this taking off for days at a time and refusing to even get in touch with me, knowing full well that I was at home every single time you have done this freaking out, worried sick, barely able to eat or sleep because I was such as basket case not know where you were or if you were even okay. Now, here you are in the hospital and you NOW realize that you need me. Why should I come rushing to your side after the living hell you have been putting me through, after all the lies you have told me, the multiple episodes of taking off and disappearing and shutting your phone off so I couldn't reach you. I think you need to have a little taste of what you have put me through. I will not be coming to see you." Regardless of the negative drug test, I still know that he's been doing bath salts. Bath salts are the one drug that hardly ever show up on any drug test because of the constant changing formulas and chemicals, so that drug test means nothing to me. Hopefully this tough love will do him some good, but I don't know.

interrupted

When I am responding to my sister I try to examine my motives such that I am enforcing my boundaries, rather than trying to force any specific response from her or punish her for any pain I have experienced in the past. This can be difficult for me at times, so when I know that I will have a hard time responding in a healthy manner, I do not answer the call.

It can be difficult to really examine our motives honestly. I used to waste a lot of effort trying to make her hurt the way I was hurting, and that wasn't fair to either of us. It also did nothing to improve the situation; she was still an addict, and I was still angry and unhappy. For me, the only winning move was not to play.