I think my fiance is using drugs - Please help!
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 32
I think my fiance is using drugs - Please help!
Hi everyone,
I just found this forum. I hope I am posting this in the correct place! I'm in desperate need of support and guidance. I very strongly believe that for about the past year, my fiancé, my best friend, the love of my life, has gotten involved with the totally wrong crowd and is using hard drugs. My guess is something like cocaine and/or similar drugs. I am devastated and beyond heartbroken. We have been together as well as lived together for just over 12 years now. We bought a house together 4-1/2 years ago, although the house is only under my name. Up until the past year, we always had the greatest, most solid relationship. We were best friends and we were always each other's rocks. The longest we were ever apart was 2 days. I love him with all my heart. I'll try to keep this post as brief as possible, but here is a summary of what has happened over the past 12 months.
Around Halloween of last year, one night my fiance suddenly didn't come home from work. He had NEVER done that before. He always used to call me the minute he got out of work to let me know that he was on his way home. That night, for some reason, he didn't call me and didn't come home. I tried calling and text messaging him over and over, but he wouldn't answer me. Finally, around 2:30 or so in the morning, I got a text message from him that said "I'm out with coworkers having a few drinks. Just leave me alone." That took me by total surprise because my fiance does NOT drink at all. The most he will drink is 1 or 2 beers a YEAR and it's been like that the entire 12 years we've been together. He has always hated drinking. We never even have alcohol in our house as neither of us drink. He finally came home around 8:30 that morning and he looked like he was a wreck and his eyes were glazed over. He was only home for a few minutes and went right back out again. He had to be back at work later that afternoon. I called his best friend, who was also his coworker, and he hadn't seen or heard from my fiance at all and he was just as surprised about his behavior as I was because staying out all night and not coming home is NOT like him at all. Well, he didn't come home from work the next night either. He didn't even call or text me once. This went on for several nights. Finally, a few days later, he came home and packed up a bunch of his belongings and left. He had no explanation for why he was leaving. He was being extremely callous towards me and calling me all kinds of names for no reason. He had NEVER acted this way before. I was literally BEGGING him to talk to me and not to leave, but he wouldn't even let me near him. He wouldn't even let me hug him. I eventually found out that he was renting a room from one of his coworkers and he didn't come home for about a month and a half. I was a total wreck during that time. I cried every single day and night. It was the worst thing I have ever been through in my entire life. I work from home and I could barely focus on my work. I felt sick to my stomach not knowing why he left me. We hadn't even had so much as a little argument to trigger this. Everything was fine and completely normal. He just suddenly turned on me. One night in early December, he showed up at home with a very sad look on his face and said he wanted to come home and that he missed me and loved me. I let him come home and was so happy that he had come back. I was hoping things would get back to normal. I still never knew why he left.
After he came home, there were several times where he would take off and be out all night, sometimes would be gone for a few days at a time and I wouldn't hear from him until he finally decided to come home. This went on from December until the first or second week of March. It would happen at least every couple of weeks. He would claim that he was going out with coworkers (again, something he NEVER used to do). I finally talked to his best friend (now former best friend because of how he was acting towards everybody) and he informed me that it was going around that my fiance had been doing bath salts with a couple of other coworkers. One of the coworkers he had been hanging out with had actually been arrested for having bath salts the summer before. I knew that something wasn't right because my fiancé was SO on edge all the time when he was home and would snap at me for no reason and pick fights with me. He just was NOT himself at all. I even found a text message on his phone back in January from someone that said "I have a gram available for $70 if you're interested." That's when I knew for sure he was doing drugs. My guess was something like cocaine. I didn't know what to do. One thing I do know is that my fiance has lost a LOT of weight in a very short period of time.
After he took off for about 2 or 3 days in early March, he came home and he never did it again until these past couple of months. He actually got laid off on May and didn't start working again until 2 weeks ago. He just got REALLY good new nursing job. This past week has been particularly bad. A week ago, he came home from his new job and asked me if I was hungry and I said I was. He offered to run to Wendy's to get us some dinner, so I told him that would be fine. He left around 8 p.m. and never came back. He was gone all night and wouldn't answer my calls or texts. He didn't come home until early the next morning and started fighting with me for no reason. A couple of days later, it was his day off and he said he was going to go to Starbucks and relax for a while (something we frequently do), but I ended up not hearing from him for several hours. After his being gone for about 6 hours, I finally called Starbucks and he wasn't there. He finally came home around 9 p.m. and was absolutely furious with me for "checking up on him" and called me a snoop and control freak, which is not true at all. He wouldn't answer any of my phone calls or text messages, so what else was I supposed to do?!?!? I was worried! Another thing that concerns me is that he has this new friend who he has been texting and calling a LOT (I've checked his cell records) and this guy is NOT a good person. My fiance refuses to tell me who he is or how he knows him. I looked this guy up on Google and found a few arrest records for him. I'm wondering if this is where he's getting drugs from or if this guy is somehow connected to a dealer. He also has a couple of other new "friends" who I've never heard of before and I have also found that they may be users or dealers as well as they are friends with his old coworkers who he supposedly did drugs with. My fiance used to introduce me to ALL of his friends and I knew everyone he knew, but he's keeping these new people a secret from me and doesn't want me to know anything about them. He refuses to even tell me how he met them. I have a feeling that he's with them when takes off and shuts is phone off so I can't contact him.
Here's what is going on right now. Two nights ago, my fiance never came home from work (here we go again). He outright lied to me and text messaged me when he got out of work and said he was just finishing up some paperwork and he'd be headed right home and that he'd call me when he was on his way. He never called and never came home and I never heard from him again that night. He finally turned his phone off once again and it went straight to voice mail. He came home yesterday morning around 10 a.m. and just had this blank/glazed over look on his face. I totally went off on him. I was livid. He told me that he knows he needs counseling and he knows I deserve to be treated so much better and told me to give him a couple of weeks to prove to me that I can trust him again. I now know that was all bull because he left around noon yesterday (claimed he had to be at work early for a staff meeting) and he texted me shortly after he left and said "I just got here, sorry I didn't get a chance to call you before I went into the meeting, but I was running late. I will call you when I get out of the meeting. I promise." That was the last time I heard from him. He never called. About a half hour later, I got a phone call from his work looking for him. I told them I thought he was there since he shift started 25 minutes earlier and they said he wasn't. I then called his work and asked for the unit he works on and they said he wasn't there, so he obviously didn't go to work yesterday. He JUST started this job about 2 weeks ago after being laid off and unemployed for several months. It has now been over 24 hours since I have heard from him. He once again didn't come home last night. He has MY vehicle that I have paid for all by myself. We had to give his truck back to the dealer this summer after he got laid off as we couldn't afford it anymore because the payment on it was huge (almost $600 a month), so now all we have is my vehicle, which I had no choice but to buy after he left me for a month and a half last year and took our only vehicle with him and wouldn't let me use it, even though it was financed under both of our names. I did call the police last night and told them that I don't want him arrested and don't want to press any charges, but I just want my vehicle back. I called the police again this morning and they had no luck finding him or my truck. It has now been 24 hours since I have heard from my fiance. I'm really scared. One of my friends even said to me that they last time they saw him, he looked like he was craving something because he was sweating profusely and was pretty restless and seemed on edge. I have noticed that a lot myself lately. My parents even noticed him twitching a little bit the last time they saw him. I'm so scared. I have NO idea where he is. He's supposed to be at work right now and I have no idea if he went. My best friend is going to drive by his work and see if she sees my vehicle in the parking lot. I have many friends and family here to emotionally support me, but I still feel so helpless and scared. I am absolutely furious for what he has been putting me through and for taking MY vehicle and not brining it back (I'm stuck at home without my vehicle), but at the same time I still love him with all my heart. The first 11 years of our relationship was the best and I wouldn't trade it for the world. This is NOT the real him. It's like the drugs have totally taken over him and he's so out of control. He just keeps taking off and totally ignoring me while he's gone. He NEVER used to do that. He's the type of guy who, whenever he went out without me, would constantly call and text me to let me know exactly where he was and when he'd be home. What else can I do? I have just about snapped my spine bending over backwards trying to help him and support him, but it has done nothing. He still keeps running off and shutting his phone off so I can't reach him and then comes home whenever he's good and ready. I have no idea when to expect him him. He's been gone for 2 nights now and only came home for not even an hour yesterday and he totally lied to me when he said he was going to work and would come right home after work last night, but he never did. He has been doing nothing but flat out lie to me constantly lately. I have been with him since I was 18 years old and I just turned 31. I have never ever imagined being with anyone else. He means the world to me and I don't know what to do. He should know better than this! He's both a paramedic and a nurse and he has worked with patients with substance abuse before. Before the last year, we always had the greatest relationship and we were both totally in love with each other, even after all these years. I'm so lost right now. I have NO idea where he is or where my vehicle is. I really could use some advice and support!
I just found this forum. I hope I am posting this in the correct place! I'm in desperate need of support and guidance. I very strongly believe that for about the past year, my fiancé, my best friend, the love of my life, has gotten involved with the totally wrong crowd and is using hard drugs. My guess is something like cocaine and/or similar drugs. I am devastated and beyond heartbroken. We have been together as well as lived together for just over 12 years now. We bought a house together 4-1/2 years ago, although the house is only under my name. Up until the past year, we always had the greatest, most solid relationship. We were best friends and we were always each other's rocks. The longest we were ever apart was 2 days. I love him with all my heart. I'll try to keep this post as brief as possible, but here is a summary of what has happened over the past 12 months.
Around Halloween of last year, one night my fiance suddenly didn't come home from work. He had NEVER done that before. He always used to call me the minute he got out of work to let me know that he was on his way home. That night, for some reason, he didn't call me and didn't come home. I tried calling and text messaging him over and over, but he wouldn't answer me. Finally, around 2:30 or so in the morning, I got a text message from him that said "I'm out with coworkers having a few drinks. Just leave me alone." That took me by total surprise because my fiance does NOT drink at all. The most he will drink is 1 or 2 beers a YEAR and it's been like that the entire 12 years we've been together. He has always hated drinking. We never even have alcohol in our house as neither of us drink. He finally came home around 8:30 that morning and he looked like he was a wreck and his eyes were glazed over. He was only home for a few minutes and went right back out again. He had to be back at work later that afternoon. I called his best friend, who was also his coworker, and he hadn't seen or heard from my fiance at all and he was just as surprised about his behavior as I was because staying out all night and not coming home is NOT like him at all. Well, he didn't come home from work the next night either. He didn't even call or text me once. This went on for several nights. Finally, a few days later, he came home and packed up a bunch of his belongings and left. He had no explanation for why he was leaving. He was being extremely callous towards me and calling me all kinds of names for no reason. He had NEVER acted this way before. I was literally BEGGING him to talk to me and not to leave, but he wouldn't even let me near him. He wouldn't even let me hug him. I eventually found out that he was renting a room from one of his coworkers and he didn't come home for about a month and a half. I was a total wreck during that time. I cried every single day and night. It was the worst thing I have ever been through in my entire life. I work from home and I could barely focus on my work. I felt sick to my stomach not knowing why he left me. We hadn't even had so much as a little argument to trigger this. Everything was fine and completely normal. He just suddenly turned on me. One night in early December, he showed up at home with a very sad look on his face and said he wanted to come home and that he missed me and loved me. I let him come home and was so happy that he had come back. I was hoping things would get back to normal. I still never knew why he left.
After he came home, there were several times where he would take off and be out all night, sometimes would be gone for a few days at a time and I wouldn't hear from him until he finally decided to come home. This went on from December until the first or second week of March. It would happen at least every couple of weeks. He would claim that he was going out with coworkers (again, something he NEVER used to do). I finally talked to his best friend (now former best friend because of how he was acting towards everybody) and he informed me that it was going around that my fiance had been doing bath salts with a couple of other coworkers. One of the coworkers he had been hanging out with had actually been arrested for having bath salts the summer before. I knew that something wasn't right because my fiancé was SO on edge all the time when he was home and would snap at me for no reason and pick fights with me. He just was NOT himself at all. I even found a text message on his phone back in January from someone that said "I have a gram available for $70 if you're interested." That's when I knew for sure he was doing drugs. My guess was something like cocaine. I didn't know what to do. One thing I do know is that my fiance has lost a LOT of weight in a very short period of time.
After he took off for about 2 or 3 days in early March, he came home and he never did it again until these past couple of months. He actually got laid off on May and didn't start working again until 2 weeks ago. He just got REALLY good new nursing job. This past week has been particularly bad. A week ago, he came home from his new job and asked me if I was hungry and I said I was. He offered to run to Wendy's to get us some dinner, so I told him that would be fine. He left around 8 p.m. and never came back. He was gone all night and wouldn't answer my calls or texts. He didn't come home until early the next morning and started fighting with me for no reason. A couple of days later, it was his day off and he said he was going to go to Starbucks and relax for a while (something we frequently do), but I ended up not hearing from him for several hours. After his being gone for about 6 hours, I finally called Starbucks and he wasn't there. He finally came home around 9 p.m. and was absolutely furious with me for "checking up on him" and called me a snoop and control freak, which is not true at all. He wouldn't answer any of my phone calls or text messages, so what else was I supposed to do?!?!? I was worried! Another thing that concerns me is that he has this new friend who he has been texting and calling a LOT (I've checked his cell records) and this guy is NOT a good person. My fiance refuses to tell me who he is or how he knows him. I looked this guy up on Google and found a few arrest records for him. I'm wondering if this is where he's getting drugs from or if this guy is somehow connected to a dealer. He also has a couple of other new "friends" who I've never heard of before and I have also found that they may be users or dealers as well as they are friends with his old coworkers who he supposedly did drugs with. My fiance used to introduce me to ALL of his friends and I knew everyone he knew, but he's keeping these new people a secret from me and doesn't want me to know anything about them. He refuses to even tell me how he met them. I have a feeling that he's with them when takes off and shuts is phone off so I can't contact him.
Here's what is going on right now. Two nights ago, my fiance never came home from work (here we go again). He outright lied to me and text messaged me when he got out of work and said he was just finishing up some paperwork and he'd be headed right home and that he'd call me when he was on his way. He never called and never came home and I never heard from him again that night. He finally turned his phone off once again and it went straight to voice mail. He came home yesterday morning around 10 a.m. and just had this blank/glazed over look on his face. I totally went off on him. I was livid. He told me that he knows he needs counseling and he knows I deserve to be treated so much better and told me to give him a couple of weeks to prove to me that I can trust him again. I now know that was all bull because he left around noon yesterday (claimed he had to be at work early for a staff meeting) and he texted me shortly after he left and said "I just got here, sorry I didn't get a chance to call you before I went into the meeting, but I was running late. I will call you when I get out of the meeting. I promise." That was the last time I heard from him. He never called. About a half hour later, I got a phone call from his work looking for him. I told them I thought he was there since he shift started 25 minutes earlier and they said he wasn't. I then called his work and asked for the unit he works on and they said he wasn't there, so he obviously didn't go to work yesterday. He JUST started this job about 2 weeks ago after being laid off and unemployed for several months. It has now been over 24 hours since I have heard from him. He once again didn't come home last night. He has MY vehicle that I have paid for all by myself. We had to give his truck back to the dealer this summer after he got laid off as we couldn't afford it anymore because the payment on it was huge (almost $600 a month), so now all we have is my vehicle, which I had no choice but to buy after he left me for a month and a half last year and took our only vehicle with him and wouldn't let me use it, even though it was financed under both of our names. I did call the police last night and told them that I don't want him arrested and don't want to press any charges, but I just want my vehicle back. I called the police again this morning and they had no luck finding him or my truck. It has now been 24 hours since I have heard from my fiance. I'm really scared. One of my friends even said to me that they last time they saw him, he looked like he was craving something because he was sweating profusely and was pretty restless and seemed on edge. I have noticed that a lot myself lately. My parents even noticed him twitching a little bit the last time they saw him. I'm so scared. I have NO idea where he is. He's supposed to be at work right now and I have no idea if he went. My best friend is going to drive by his work and see if she sees my vehicle in the parking lot. I have many friends and family here to emotionally support me, but I still feel so helpless and scared. I am absolutely furious for what he has been putting me through and for taking MY vehicle and not brining it back (I'm stuck at home without my vehicle), but at the same time I still love him with all my heart. The first 11 years of our relationship was the best and I wouldn't trade it for the world. This is NOT the real him. It's like the drugs have totally taken over him and he's so out of control. He just keeps taking off and totally ignoring me while he's gone. He NEVER used to do that. He's the type of guy who, whenever he went out without me, would constantly call and text me to let me know exactly where he was and when he'd be home. What else can I do? I have just about snapped my spine bending over backwards trying to help him and support him, but it has done nothing. He still keeps running off and shutting his phone off so I can't reach him and then comes home whenever he's good and ready. I have no idea when to expect him him. He's been gone for 2 nights now and only came home for not even an hour yesterday and he totally lied to me when he said he was going to work and would come right home after work last night, but he never did. He has been doing nothing but flat out lie to me constantly lately. I have been with him since I was 18 years old and I just turned 31. I have never ever imagined being with anyone else. He means the world to me and I don't know what to do. He should know better than this! He's both a paramedic and a nurse and he has worked with patients with substance abuse before. Before the last year, we always had the greatest relationship and we were both totally in love with each other, even after all these years. I'm so lost right now. I have NO idea where he is or where my vehicle is. I really could use some advice and support!
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
I did move your thread over to the Forum where you can find other
members dealing with or have expereinces with the same situation.
Prayers for your peace and for harmony to return in your home.
Welcome to our recovery community...
members dealing with or have expereinces with the same situation.
Prayers for your peace and for harmony to return in your home.
Welcome to our recovery community...
Last edited by CarolD; 10-04-2012 at 08:04 PM. Reason: Typo Corrected
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 32
Originally Posted by CarolD 
I did move your thread over to the Forum where you can find other
members dealing with or have expereinces with the same situation.
Prayers for your peace and for harmony to return in your homer.
Welcome to our recovery community...
members dealing with or have expereinces with the same situation.
Prayers for your peace and for harmony to return in your homer.
Welcome to our recovery community...
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
I am so sorry Runner. He is doing what addicts do. The man you once knew is gone and forever changed. There is nothing you can do help, fix or save him. Wanting recovery must come from within the addict.
You didn't cause it, You can't control it and You can't cure it. We all know your pain!!
Keep posting and reading here, it really helps. Have you considered going to Alanon and/or Naranon? Meetings really help also.
You didn't cause it, You can't control it and You can't cure it. We all know your pain!!
Keep posting and reading here, it really helps. Have you considered going to Alanon and/or Naranon? Meetings really help also.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 598
Unless he comes to his senses and decides to get off drugs, there is more where this behavior came from. What are you willing to put up with? What are you not willing to put up with? At least for now, I would say to reconsider being his fiancé. I certainly wouldn't want to marry someone with all these problems he would be bringing to the marriage.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 75
You are at the beginning of this cycle and I (hopefully) am at the end of it. I have been where you are, heck, I am there right now (he's been gone on a binge for 12 days) and I wish there were something to say that would help or make you feel better. The harsh reality is that THIS is your new reality until YOU change it. Clearly he is doing some sort of drug. You can't stop him, you can't change him, you can't love him enough, give enough or do enough to make him stop. YOU are not the problem.
I have had my vehicles taken for days, wrecked, stolen. I have been left for days with HIS children and yet blamed for his problems. I have bent over backwards, followed him, checked pockets, checked cell phones, tracked cell phones, made threats that I never could follow through with because I love him. I have worn myself out, stressed myself out, been scared and worried. I have argued and justified as much as I can. NOTHING works. Ultimately YOU have to decide what to do. You can't fix him. But I know how much you must love him and how much even the idea of leaving him - of losing him - hurts. It makes you sick. It consumes you. But so will HIS addiction IF you let it.
Don't be me. Don't let this drag you down for years. It will ruin you, financially, emotionally, physically. He will come back from his little excursion and he will tell you he loves you. He will make promises. And he means everything he says - which makes it all so much more difficult because you desperately need and want to believe that THIS TIME he will follow through and everything will be better. It won't get better until HE decides to change and until you stop making it acceptable to continue - by that I mean that you can't let him come back, you can't keep helping and working and supporting him.
I know how harsh I sound and that is not my intention. Trust me, I have nothing but the greatest sadness and compassion for the situation you are in. But you need to take care of yourself. He won't do it and you can't fix him.
Wishing you all the best...hope, courage, strength and comfort.
I have had my vehicles taken for days, wrecked, stolen. I have been left for days with HIS children and yet blamed for his problems. I have bent over backwards, followed him, checked pockets, checked cell phones, tracked cell phones, made threats that I never could follow through with because I love him. I have worn myself out, stressed myself out, been scared and worried. I have argued and justified as much as I can. NOTHING works. Ultimately YOU have to decide what to do. You can't fix him. But I know how much you must love him and how much even the idea of leaving him - of losing him - hurts. It makes you sick. It consumes you. But so will HIS addiction IF you let it.
Don't be me. Don't let this drag you down for years. It will ruin you, financially, emotionally, physically. He will come back from his little excursion and he will tell you he loves you. He will make promises. And he means everything he says - which makes it all so much more difficult because you desperately need and want to believe that THIS TIME he will follow through and everything will be better. It won't get better until HE decides to change and until you stop making it acceptable to continue - by that I mean that you can't let him come back, you can't keep helping and working and supporting him.
I know how harsh I sound and that is not my intention. Trust me, I have nothing but the greatest sadness and compassion for the situation you are in. But you need to take care of yourself. He won't do it and you can't fix him.
Wishing you all the best...hope, courage, strength and comfort.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 267
Welcome to SR, Runner. There are many members who have been where you are.
Addiction is a horrible disease. Your fiance's brain has been rewired. He is no longer the man you fell in love with. There is no easy answer for your pain. He may wake up tomorrow and decide he's had enough and seek recovery...or he could continue to spiral further down into the sewer of addiction.
You need to look out for yourself. I'd suggest attending an AlAnon or NarAnon meeting - whichever is more convenient for you - to start getting support for yourself. Read the Stickies at the top of this forum - they contain LOTS of wisdom from members who have found serenity.
I would also file a formal police report to establish that he is using the car without your permission. This may help for insurance purposes, and help insulate you from liability if he gets into an accident that causes serious personal injury or property damage. Think carefully about whether or not you want to let him back in your house - an active addict is very unstable...and will bring illegal drugs and dangerous associates to your home.
You will make it through this.
Addiction is a horrible disease. Your fiance's brain has been rewired. He is no longer the man you fell in love with. There is no easy answer for your pain. He may wake up tomorrow and decide he's had enough and seek recovery...or he could continue to spiral further down into the sewer of addiction.
You need to look out for yourself. I'd suggest attending an AlAnon or NarAnon meeting - whichever is more convenient for you - to start getting support for yourself. Read the Stickies at the top of this forum - they contain LOTS of wisdom from members who have found serenity.
I would also file a formal police report to establish that he is using the car without your permission. This may help for insurance purposes, and help insulate you from liability if he gets into an accident that causes serious personal injury or property damage. Think carefully about whether or not you want to let him back in your house - an active addict is very unstable...and will bring illegal drugs and dangerous associates to your home.
You will make it through this.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 32
Originally Posted by mfox
You are at the beginning of this cycle and I (hopefully) am at the end of it. I have been where you are, heck, I am there right now (he's been gone on a binge for 12 days) and I wish there were something to say that would help or make you feel better. The harsh reality is that THIS is your new reality until YOU change it. Clearly he is doing some sort of drug. You can't stop him, you can't change him, you can't love him enough, give enough or do enough to make him stop. YOU are not the problem.
I have had my vehicles taken for days, wrecked, stolen. I have been left for days with HIS children and yet blamed for his problems. I have bent over backwards, followed him, checked pockets, checked cell phones, tracked cell phones, made threats that I never could follow through with because I love him. I have worn myself out, stressed myself out, been scared and worried. I have argued and justified as much as I can. NOTHING works. Ultimately YOU have to decide what to do. You can't fix him. But I know how much you must love him and how much even the idea of leaving him - of losing him - hurts. It makes you sick. It consumes you. But so will HIS addiction IF you let it.
Don't be me. Don't let this drag you down for years. It will ruin you, financially, emotionally, physically. He will come back from his little excursion and he will tell you he loves you. He will make promises. And he means everything he says - which makes it all so much more difficult because you desperately need and want to believe that THIS TIME he will follow through and everything will be better. It won't get better until HE decides to change and until you stop making it acceptable to continue - by that I mean that you can't let him come back, you can't keep helping and working and supporting him.
I know how harsh I sound and that is not my intention. Trust me, I have nothing but the greatest sadness and compassion for the situation you are in. But you need to take care of yourself. He won't do it and you can't fix him.
Wishing you all the best...hope, courage, strength and comfort.
I have had my vehicles taken for days, wrecked, stolen. I have been left for days with HIS children and yet blamed for his problems. I have bent over backwards, followed him, checked pockets, checked cell phones, tracked cell phones, made threats that I never could follow through with because I love him. I have worn myself out, stressed myself out, been scared and worried. I have argued and justified as much as I can. NOTHING works. Ultimately YOU have to decide what to do. You can't fix him. But I know how much you must love him and how much even the idea of leaving him - of losing him - hurts. It makes you sick. It consumes you. But so will HIS addiction IF you let it.
Don't be me. Don't let this drag you down for years. It will ruin you, financially, emotionally, physically. He will come back from his little excursion and he will tell you he loves you. He will make promises. And he means everything he says - which makes it all so much more difficult because you desperately need and want to believe that THIS TIME he will follow through and everything will be better. It won't get better until HE decides to change and until you stop making it acceptable to continue - by that I mean that you can't let him come back, you can't keep helping and working and supporting him.
I know how harsh I sound and that is not my intention. Trust me, I have nothing but the greatest sadness and compassion for the situation you are in. But you need to take care of yourself. He won't do it and you can't fix him.
Wishing you all the best...hope, courage, strength and comfort.
I feel so helpless, but I know that there is nothing more I can do. I have never ever known a drug addict before, so this is all new to me. All of my friends and family are telling me that I need to kick his butt to the curb and get him out of my house (I am the sole owner of both the house and vehicle, not him). I have been crying my eyes out for the past 2 days because I miss the old him so much. We always had the BEST relationship and I never in my wildest dreams would have ever thought I'd be going through something like this. He was always the last person anyone would expect to use drugs. He has a substance abuse counselor certification even!!! He has promised me many times that he would stop this and denies left and right, up and down that he's doing drugs, although I know better. He'll never admit it to me.I really, really appreciate your post! It makes me feel better knowing that I'm not the only one going through this. I guess this is a binge that he's on. He's been gone for 2 days in a row now and hasn't come home or been in touch with me at all. I did just speak to the police department again to see what I can do to get my vehicle back without having to press charges against him. I just can't bring myself to press charges against him. He has been my best friend, my rock, and the love of my life for 12 years. I know for sure that he'll be home soon. He has done this before and always comes home after his binge. Plus, when all of his clothes and other belongings are here! I'm an emotional wreck. I've barely been able to eat or sleep these past couple of days because of the constant state of stress and panic I'm in over this situation. I can barely even concentrate on my work. At least I work from home so I can have a good cry when I need it or call a friend or family member just to talk and rant. I have such a headache from crying my eyes out. I hate this so much.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 75
Only you will know when enough is enough. It is solely up to you. Two years ago I recall quite vividly the moment when I realized "This is NEVER going to change. Either I accept him as a drug addict or I eliminate him from my life." And although that seems like an easy decision, it is SO difficult to say goodbye to the love, the dreams, and the FANTASY that will never come back - it most definitely won't come back while you are still enabling him and giving him an extremely soft place to land. Yet, here I am, two years later, just now FINALLY getting out.
It is hard to tell someone you love to pack their belongings and leave. There's a pang of guilt that goes with that, I mean, after all, this is his home! Where will he go? Well, to be honest, he is somewhere right now. Somewhere he is choosing to be. Somewhere that is not home and is not with you. He will find a place to be. You can count on that.
Your friends and family love you and want what's best for you and I am certain that is what ALL of them are telling you to do. And although you know they are right, you are still here looking for answers from people who have been where you are. Well, no one here, even those of us who are still in the middle of it and still fighting and hoping, will tell you to stay. Everyone will tell you the best advice is to RUN! Run far, run fast, run away! Do not let this man, this ADDICT destroy who you are. You deserve so much better. You are young and smart and deserve to be happy.
His excuses will only get more unbelievable. Eventually you won't believe anything from him because you have heard all the lies. You will start to resent him. You will start to resent yourself for putting up with this. But again, that is only as long as you choose to stay with him. Please, don't do that. I met the man I am letting go when I was your age. He was amazing! My best friend, funny, gorgeous, compassionate, smart. He was literally the perfect catch. Here I am now, 39 years old, and wishing I had the last 5 years of my life back to do over..... to find happiness, because I am most definitely NOT happy now and I have allowed myself to sacrifice too much of my life and my happiness to his addiction.
You WILL hurt for a while. For quite a while. But eventually you will laugh again. And it won't be the forced laughter you use as a front with your friends to hide the worry and the stress. It will be real, heartfelt laughter - you will laugh until your face hurts. Then you will be able to look back and realize that letting him go was the best thing you could do for YOU.
I will be following you on here to see how you are doing. Your story is SO familiar. I own my house, I own the vehicles and I am the one hurting while he is using - just like you. I am just a lot further down the line.
Again, you are in my thoughts and prayers. I don't know how or if you can, but you are welcome to send me a message on here if you would like. I will always answer.
It is hard to tell someone you love to pack their belongings and leave. There's a pang of guilt that goes with that, I mean, after all, this is his home! Where will he go? Well, to be honest, he is somewhere right now. Somewhere he is choosing to be. Somewhere that is not home and is not with you. He will find a place to be. You can count on that.
Your friends and family love you and want what's best for you and I am certain that is what ALL of them are telling you to do. And although you know they are right, you are still here looking for answers from people who have been where you are. Well, no one here, even those of us who are still in the middle of it and still fighting and hoping, will tell you to stay. Everyone will tell you the best advice is to RUN! Run far, run fast, run away! Do not let this man, this ADDICT destroy who you are. You deserve so much better. You are young and smart and deserve to be happy.
His excuses will only get more unbelievable. Eventually you won't believe anything from him because you have heard all the lies. You will start to resent him. You will start to resent yourself for putting up with this. But again, that is only as long as you choose to stay with him. Please, don't do that. I met the man I am letting go when I was your age. He was amazing! My best friend, funny, gorgeous, compassionate, smart. He was literally the perfect catch. Here I am now, 39 years old, and wishing I had the last 5 years of my life back to do over..... to find happiness, because I am most definitely NOT happy now and I have allowed myself to sacrifice too much of my life and my happiness to his addiction.
You WILL hurt for a while. For quite a while. But eventually you will laugh again. And it won't be the forced laughter you use as a front with your friends to hide the worry and the stress. It will be real, heartfelt laughter - you will laugh until your face hurts. Then you will be able to look back and realize that letting him go was the best thing you could do for YOU.
I will be following you on here to see how you are doing. Your story is SO familiar. I own my house, I own the vehicles and I am the one hurting while he is using - just like you. I am just a lot further down the line.
Again, you are in my thoughts and prayers. I don't know how or if you can, but you are welcome to send me a message on here if you would like. I will always answer.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
You are completely distraught and unable to think clearly. You are in no shape to make decisions that have long-term consequences. First you need to get some PROFESSIONAL HELP for yourself. You haven't mentioned that you have sought help. Is that because you thought you can handle this alone? Or that he will shift back to normal? Neither is true.
If you work, if you can do so, the best thing for you is is to take some days off. Leave your home and stay with a sane friend or family member for a week or so. From that place, make an appointment with a counselor who has experience with loved ones of addicts. And be clear that your need is urgent. Get to a Nar-Anon or Al-Anon meeting and if it doesn't feel right, go to others until you find a fit. You are going to need long-time support. See your family doctor for STD testing.
DO NOT COMMUNICATE WITH YOUR FIANCE RIGHT NOW.You are becoming very emotionally ill and you simply need to get yourself into a safe place and get your mind settled. You have been enduring an ongoing barrage of stress and crisis and fear and it is taking its toll.
Bath Salts are among the most dangerous drugs on the street right now. If that's his DOC then you are in extreme danger.
His drug addiction is permanent. His condition today is permanent. You will not be able to reach him. You cannot talk this out of him, you cannot wrap yourself around his knees and beg it out of him. There is only one way to fight addiction. And that is to get out of the way of the addict. Let his consequences explode all around him. Never rescue him. Never give him a pass.
You should absolutely press charges. Later.
For now, you need to be with someone sane and take several days to convalesce. You need to do that for yourself and even for him. If you want to help him, you need to be clear-headed enough to make the right choices. Today you are not doing that. You can't.
If it isn't bath salts it sounds like crack or meth, given his aggression and his extended drug runs. You are in danger. Please seek someone to take you in. Please stay away from him for several days to make a plan with a clearer head.
There is always hope for a drug addict. But getting to clean and sober will require the unraveling of the life he has been living. You need to let that happen to him. You need to keep yourself safe and away.
If you work, if you can do so, the best thing for you is is to take some days off. Leave your home and stay with a sane friend or family member for a week or so. From that place, make an appointment with a counselor who has experience with loved ones of addicts. And be clear that your need is urgent. Get to a Nar-Anon or Al-Anon meeting and if it doesn't feel right, go to others until you find a fit. You are going to need long-time support. See your family doctor for STD testing.
DO NOT COMMUNICATE WITH YOUR FIANCE RIGHT NOW.You are becoming very emotionally ill and you simply need to get yourself into a safe place and get your mind settled. You have been enduring an ongoing barrage of stress and crisis and fear and it is taking its toll.
Bath Salts are among the most dangerous drugs on the street right now. If that's his DOC then you are in extreme danger.
His drug addiction is permanent. His condition today is permanent. You will not be able to reach him. You cannot talk this out of him, you cannot wrap yourself around his knees and beg it out of him. There is only one way to fight addiction. And that is to get out of the way of the addict. Let his consequences explode all around him. Never rescue him. Never give him a pass.
You should absolutely press charges. Later.
For now, you need to be with someone sane and take several days to convalesce. You need to do that for yourself and even for him. If you want to help him, you need to be clear-headed enough to make the right choices. Today you are not doing that. You can't.
If it isn't bath salts it sounds like crack or meth, given his aggression and his extended drug runs. You are in danger. Please seek someone to take you in. Please stay away from him for several days to make a plan with a clearer head.
There is always hope for a drug addict. But getting to clean and sober will require the unraveling of the life he has been living. You need to let that happen to him. You need to keep yourself safe and away.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 32
Thanks everyone so much! Well, just a little while ago, my fiance started text messaging me. He was being TOTALLY dramatic and saying things like "Goodbye, my love" and "I will always love you" and "We will see each other again one day" and "How did my life come to this? I am a total failure and you deserve so much better than me. I will always love you." This is what he ALWAYS does after he has been gone for days on a binge and wants to come home. He puts on this total soap opera performance trying to get me to reassure him and beg him to come home, but I'm not doing that this time. That will just enable him and he will keep doing this over and over. I tried calling him several times, but it just rang and rang and he won't answer. He then texted me and said "I don't want to talk right now." This is KILLING me! I know I need to stand firm with him, but at the same time I want him to come home and hug him and tell him I am here for him, but I can't do that right now. That would basically be telling him that everything he's been doing this past year is okay, and I WON'T do that! I just talked to the police and explained the ENTIRE situation about how I suspect drugs, and they have a file out to all surrounding police departments to be on the lookout for my vehicle and if they find him, they will hold him and get in touch with me, but not press charges because I don't want to do that. I can't bring myself to do that. The police officer said it sounds like bath salts from what I described, which is a HUGE drug in this area. I just know he will probably be home tonight since this is his pattern when he does this. It's like he's trying to emotionally black male me or manipulate me by acting so dramatic. I love him SO much and I'm in total tears right now looking at pictures of the two of us over the years from happier times. 
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 75
Do me a favor... and yourself... Stop trying to call him. Hard, yes. You are describing a re-run of my life... only my boyfriend is a crack addict. Same stories.... I'm a failure, you are everything to me, you deserve so much better, I love you so much. It will continue until you stop it. Be strong and know you are not alone!
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
If he gets into an addict in your vehicle and under the influence you are in for a real expensive venture, if he injures or kills someone...you are screwed...big time.
Knowing that he is a drug addict why do you let him drive your vehicle?
You are codependent, you are an enabler,now is the time to work on you, before you get in so deep that it will takes you years to dig yourself out.
Have you read Codependent No More, are you going to Naranon meetings...if not...I would suggest that you do both. Also read all the stickeys at the top of this forum.
He is a master manipulater, he know how to play you. Nothing changes if nothing changes, the ball is in your court.
Knowing that he is a drug addict why do you let him drive your vehicle?
You are codependent, you are an enabler,now is the time to work on you, before you get in so deep that it will takes you years to dig yourself out.
Have you read Codependent No More, are you going to Naranon meetings...if not...I would suggest that you do both. Also read all the stickeys at the top of this forum.
He is a master manipulater, he know how to play you. Nothing changes if nothing changes, the ball is in your court.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 32
Originally Posted by mfox
Do me a favor... and yourself... Stop trying to call him. Hard, yes. You are describing a re-run of my life... only my boyfriend is a crack addict. Same stories.... I'm a failure, you are everything to me, you deserve so much better, I love you so much. It will continue until you stop it. Be strong and know you are not alone!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 75
Your friend is right. The party is over and he is ready to come home. No, he doesn't want to hear anything from you. He wants you to let him come home and leave him alone so he can sleep it off. Realistically, yelling at him, even being mad, doesn't accomplish anything. He will give you the responses he knows you want to hear so you will leave him alone and let him sleep. That is a solution for him, but it fixes nothing for you. You will be grateful he is alive. But you won't feel better about much else.
Dollydo is right about your truck. You need to take the keys away and hide them. If he gets into an accident, if he hurts or kills someone, if he runs over a child chasing a ball on the side of the road because he is too out of it to see them, they WILL come after YOU. Your home, your livliehood, your LIFE is in danger. He doesn't care about that. But you will. I actually had my BF arrested while driving under the influence in my truck. I warned him, he didn't listen, so I called the authorities. Of course he is still angry at me about that - I 'ruined' his life - but he was more than willing to place my life, my home, my children's home in jeopardy for his own selfish problem.
Take care of you. Cry. Cry alot. Call your friends. Post on this forum. Try to sleep when you can - sheer exhaustion will win out at some point and you will sleep.
Hugs to you.
Dollydo is right about your truck. You need to take the keys away and hide them. If he gets into an accident, if he hurts or kills someone, if he runs over a child chasing a ball on the side of the road because he is too out of it to see them, they WILL come after YOU. Your home, your livliehood, your LIFE is in danger. He doesn't care about that. But you will. I actually had my BF arrested while driving under the influence in my truck. I warned him, he didn't listen, so I called the authorities. Of course he is still angry at me about that - I 'ruined' his life - but he was more than willing to place my life, my home, my children's home in jeopardy for his own selfish problem.
Take care of you. Cry. Cry alot. Call your friends. Post on this forum. Try to sleep when you can - sheer exhaustion will win out at some point and you will sleep.
Hugs to you.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
I rarely feel panicked about someone's posts here, but I am very very scared for you. I am terrified you are going to be too DEAD to let anyone help you.
Recently in California, an actor ("Anarchy") murdered his landlady and her cat--terrible, vicious assaults which I will not describe here--and then killed himself. And the opinion of those who are connected to the crime is that he was on bath salts.
PLEASE. Remove yourself from the home and stay away. Seek professional help. NEVER be alone with him. You are in grave danger if his drug is bath salts. GET YOURSELF OUT OF THAT HOUSE.
Recently in California, an actor ("Anarchy") murdered his landlady and her cat--terrible, vicious assaults which I will not describe here--and then killed himself. And the opinion of those who are connected to the crime is that he was on bath salts.
PLEASE. Remove yourself from the home and stay away. Seek professional help. NEVER be alone with him. You are in grave danger if his drug is bath salts. GET YOURSELF OUT OF THAT HOUSE.
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Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Alabama
Posts: 239
EnglishGarden has sounded the WARNING, my post is meaningless but....
I love my wife, we still have a great relationship, but my drinking has changed me emotionally and physically. We are TOTALLY different from when we met 16 years ago.
No words can convince you, but his behaviour should. I could keep talking but it is futial.
Toss
I love my wife, we still have a great relationship, but my drinking has changed me emotionally and physically. We are TOTALLY different from when we met 16 years ago.
No words can convince you, but his behaviour should. I could keep talking but it is futial.
Toss
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 32
I so deeply appreciate all of these replies. I need all the support I can get! I haven't heard from him in about an hour. I don't even know if he still has his job. He didn't go to work the past 2 days. He is supposed to work tomorrow, too. I just can't stop worrying. I am SO beyond exhausted, but the anxiety and panic keep me awake of not knowing where he is or if he's okay and not knowing when he'll be home. I know I can't have this insanity in my life. I've been nothing but good to him for 12 years. I've never done anything like this to him and never would. I truly do believe that the reason he started texting me tonight is because his 2-day adventure/party is over and he has nowhere else to go. I believe I'll be seeing him much later tonight. I would give anything for this nightmare to be over and for things to get easier, but my love for him seems to overpower my common sense at times.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 864
He isn’t just using, he is an addict!
The only thing, and I mean this, the only thing you can do to help him is to stop and help yourself. That is the only gift you can give, anything else will be enabling which will keep him sick. No money, no bailing out, no paying his bills, no fixing his mistakes, no smoothing things over, no saving his from losing face thinking that this will make it easier to get well because it doesn’t. Allow him to feel the consequences of his actions . If you want him to have a chance then do not help! With addiction helping has the opposite effect and doesn’t help but further traps those we love in their addiction.
Also please with these runs for days you need to make sure you are ok. Sorry to say this but go and get tested for STD’s, and do it now, don’t wait, don’t play head games with yourself, or ask him if he has slept with anyone … just go and do it for you.
Understand, he is resourceful, he is a grown man and he is most capable of taking care of himself. Also understand he has every right to use if that is what he wants to do …
He goes on run after run after run and surely it is the same old same old to him … use, use, use, till you just think you can’t use anymore and then push it, cause you need to for your own sanity in the moment. Eventually you run out drugs, money, friends who would share ( oh wait ain’t no one sharing ) favors to cough up, more compromising of your soul and in time eventually you crash … usually at the one you loves house who has been waiting and waiting for you to walk in the door to know you are safe, never understanding that once you do, now they aren’t safe.
Also as has been mentioned do not allow anyone use your car you can be liable if they hurt someone. And also think about yourself in this. If he wrecks the car then what do you drive…
Please stay safe, seek out help for yourself and take good care of you.
The only thing, and I mean this, the only thing you can do to help him is to stop and help yourself. That is the only gift you can give, anything else will be enabling which will keep him sick. No money, no bailing out, no paying his bills, no fixing his mistakes, no smoothing things over, no saving his from losing face thinking that this will make it easier to get well because it doesn’t. Allow him to feel the consequences of his actions . If you want him to have a chance then do not help! With addiction helping has the opposite effect and doesn’t help but further traps those we love in their addiction.
Also please with these runs for days you need to make sure you are ok. Sorry to say this but go and get tested for STD’s, and do it now, don’t wait, don’t play head games with yourself, or ask him if he has slept with anyone … just go and do it for you.
Understand, he is resourceful, he is a grown man and he is most capable of taking care of himself. Also understand he has every right to use if that is what he wants to do …
He goes on run after run after run and surely it is the same old same old to him … use, use, use, till you just think you can’t use anymore and then push it, cause you need to for your own sanity in the moment. Eventually you run out drugs, money, friends who would share ( oh wait ain’t no one sharing ) favors to cough up, more compromising of your soul and in time eventually you crash … usually at the one you loves house who has been waiting and waiting for you to walk in the door to know you are safe, never understanding that once you do, now they aren’t safe.
Also as has been mentioned do not allow anyone use your car you can be liable if they hurt someone. And also think about yourself in this. If he wrecks the car then what do you drive…
Please stay safe, seek out help for yourself and take good care of you.
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