JMFburns

runner,

IMHO, that text you sent hardly seems like "tough love". It seems like an attempt to reach him, an attempt to get him to see his mistakes, an attempt to get your boyfriend to "straighten up", behave better, stop doing "bad" things, etc., etc., etc.

IMHO, "tough love" would be telling him he's on his own until he goes to rehab, works a program and gets his life back together. Then end the contact. Don't visit him in the hospital and don't allow him to move back into your home. He can't stop taking whatever drugs he was taking "sleep it off" for 2-3 days and go back to "normal", it doesn't work that way.

I don't mean to be so blunt - but it just seemed the situation required it.

Good luck runner, you have been through ALOT this past year - I don't wish that on anyone.

FindingErica

I agree with JMF, I find when I talk/write too much to AH, it just opens doors to him negotiating. Usually I end up talking too much and it is because what I really wanted was to guilt him or work things out...etc. when I am not being all Codie, my texts are short and to the point. There really isn't much to say, they know what they are doing.

Faithlove

I also don't think your text was "tough love." However, I think you had every right to feel the way you feel and to send that text if you want. But giving him a taste of his own medicine is really just revenge.

I agree with the above posters that "tough love" would have been setting a boundary for yourself- "I will not be in a relationship with a drug addict, etc." and then enforcing it. It's not a punishment for the addict; it's a safety mechanism for you. I was told that tough love is sometimes harder on us than it is the addict.

You've been through a rough year and please don't think I'm invalidating your feelings towards him. You have every right to be angry with him for wrecklessly abandoning you, physically and emotionally, over and over again. Just because he's an addict shouldn't mean he gets a pass to act like a jerk.

Also, you said that he said the reason he takes off is to get away from you but it's all lies. Maybe not? Maybe he knows if he can get away from you, he can use, which just might be exactly what he wants to do. Why do you want to be with someone who has to get away from you? He should want to be with you.....and not just when he's weak and lonely and coming down!

You deserve so much more!!!

hello-kitty

Runner, has anyone recommended the book "Co-Dependent No More" to you? You may recognize some of your behaviors in the stories and it may help you as you navigate the crazy environment and behavior that results from being in a relationship with an addict.

kmangel

It is going to be your actions more than your words that get through to your boyfriend--just as we must look to the actions, not the words, of our our A's. So show him by your actions what you mean. Otherwise he will expect more of what he is used to getting from you. Nothing will change if you think he'll now get all the pain he caused you.

EnglishGarden

Al-Anon advises us not to lecture the alcoholic or drug addict. It's very hard to change from "You did this to me" and "You are so...." and "What do you think you are doing...." etc etc. Very hard. Sometimes it's easier to communicate in writing so we can take the time to actually phrase things from the "I" position:

"I want a healthy relationship."
"I want a partner who does not lie to me."
"I do not have the will or the strength to accept any more crisis in my life."
"I have lost who I am in my relationship with you."
"I do not know how to trust you."
"I need professional help and am not available for relationship."
"I cannot expose my child to life with an active drug addict."
"I am powerless over alcohol, heroin, cocaine, meth....."
"I am going to take two months to myself and go to Al-Anon."
"I want a six-month separation."

Alcoholics and drug addicts love it when we lecture them. It makes us weaker. It gives them more control.

Say who you are, what you want, and what you intend to do.

Try to remove "You" as the first word in your statements. If you practice on paper, it gets easier.

incitingsilence

I do hope he was smart enough to tell the doctors treating him that he is an addict. It will be so important to the care he receives and he does know this as a medical professional himself. And in the end it won’t matter what type of drug, but the fact that he is an addict. Yet I am guessing they will figure that one out and the drug test won’t be needed. His behavior will always show the truth.

Understand he is well aware of the truth, whether he believes it or not . Denial works well on both sides…and again your best advice will still always be to seek out your own help in this, seek out your own answers and your own whys, because you will never make sense of his and looking for his will keep trapped and you will get sicker and sicker.

So in terms of that text … unhealthy you know...
Maybe follow advice above and ask yourself why in terms of your motive for it.

Tough love = we get tough on ourselves and just love them.
Meaning we do not enable, we do not react in any way with motives that are about getting them to see how sick they are … trust me they know …
We make boundaries that are solely based on us not them. It is about what we do not wish to live with.

In terms of seeing those we love ... we see them or not having nothing to do with with them and without motives. Using or not using isn’t a factor unless it is about us … Meaning we don’t find it healthy for our soul or safe for ourselves to be around them when they use. That is totally healthy and any other way is frankly sick…all that love yah when you are doing what I need and not using, oops can’t love you cause you are living as you feel you need while using. That is really codependency at it’s finest.

PerhapsLove

Your post was helpful to me, too. My AD is now back with her heroin-addicted boyfriend (ex?). She texted me and asked if she could call to explain. I told her no. She texted that she couldn't get into rehab in the other town because of her medical assistance. She said she had to go back with him because she couldn't stop drinking and didn't want to be alone. Isn't that what detox is for? So she goes back to the active addict and expects him to keep her from drinking??? Anyway, now she is saying she might be able to get into rehab closer to home. I think she is stalling. I won't talk to her unless she goes to rehab and then works a program. She thinks I'm punishing her, but I am just taking care of myself.

PerhapsLove

Hang in there, runner. I am new at this, too. But I am determined not to let the addiction of someone I love so much drag me back to the worry and pain. I agree that you should have no contact, although I know how hard it is. You would like to believe that because he isn't using anything at the moment, he won't ever again. I've been through that so many times with my daughter. How can she NOT want to stay clean? Within 24 hours of discharge from hospitals, detox, and yes, even full rehab, she has started drinking. So this time, I have to "unplug". If she goes to rehab, as she says she will do, I will resume limited contact. She needs to actively work a program after rehab before I will consider seeing her.

Stay strong.

Lara

You hit the nail on the head... when we get involved in long, emotional messages all we are trying to do is make some sort of emotional connection and somehow try to get something out of the conversation - a response - a sorry - a 'I love you'.... quite ridiculous - as you so perfectly state "There really isn't much to say, they know what they are doing"

MrsDragon

I see two separate issues here.

The health issues (assuming they are from the drugs) are the consequence he must face due
to his using.

The relationship & reaction of his fiancé is an entirely different matter.

I think what you relayed to him by your words and actions regarding not visiting him while he is "bored"; does represent a change. It is showing him your (anger, disgust, sadness, etc). So your distance examples a breakdown in the relationship; also a consequence of his actions to you while using.

Sometimes I think it's hard to judge actions unless we know intent; two things can look very similar but I think it is the expectation that swings it one way or another.

It could possibly be more of a control / codependency issue - if you were to stay away primarily because there is an assumption by removing yourself this will cause a desired effect. ( he will feel worse because I'm not there & this will make him realize finally that he needs to stop using drugs).... And then he doesn't and your feelings of importance take a hit because it was almost a reality in your mind ** Just an example; not implying or assuming your thinking this **

There are so many different views, but I was taught through the therapist that it is best not to attack the one using; mainly because if it becomes a habit then the relationship turns to one of attack/defense, or hiding to avoid; it breaks down legitimate communication and discussion when it might otherwise be possible; plus those words do stick with the addicts much of the time. They may not illicit response, so we might assume it was ignored; but it's guilt, shame, and may dig the addict deeper into their self esteem issues. And it will most likely only eat at you also.

If Runner does make the choice to let her fiancé come home after he leaves the hospital; I don't think anyone here should be critical of her decision. Life is complicated; and there are many factors involved with these decisions; that is why we must come to the conclusions in our own time; our own way.

CanfixONLYme

Runner - I'm so sorry your fiancé had a heart attack... how awful.
like I said in my other posts (and still really feel) - that you need to be the one to be ready to let go and detach with love. Just you.

Even though many here have been in your shoes (including me), we cannot determine when or how you need to make these tough choices. Only you can.

Englishgarden said something great about our interactions with our addicted loved ones: "Al-Anon advises us not to lecture the alcoholic or drug addict." --- maybe this goes the same way for our peers on here as well? I think there's always a fine line around saying our stories and what has helped us versus telling/chastising others for what they are/ are not doing to help themselves. *immediate danger to children involved or life threatening situations of course, warrants concerned advice* - that's a no brainer there.

Not to say there isn't sound advice above but you've got to be ready for it. Me personally, I wasn't ready for almost a year after i joined here. The last thing I wanted to hear was what else I was doing wrong or what I should do. I had to figure that timing out for myself and although it took me 10x+ going thru his shenanigans, at the end of it, I could stand there and know it was me who finally did it. Anything sooner and I would have been filled with major regrets and possibly worse consequences to myself.

My long winded post is this --- you need to do what's in your heart. There's concern over how you are being treated and if it's life threatening (he's going to physically harm you), try as best as you can to heed the calls of concern above.

If not, please don't beat yourself up if you decide to still be in contact. Again, although its probably for the best, YOU have to be ready to make that choice and not from any pressure from outside parties. You've been thru enough already.

Big hugs

CanfixONLYme

Ps - Hear hear! - MrsDragon !!

LoveMeNow

Much like the addict, most codependents (me) must reach their bottom to WANT to change and seek help.

When the pain of staying outweighs the fear of leaving, is when most will remove themselves from the situation. But I can only imagine how difficult it is for someone in recovery to watch the sickness continue. It must be like watching some one run into a burning building and there is nothing they can do but yell STOP!! Much like dealing with some one in active addiction.

It's really a vicious, insane cycle!!

PaperDolls

Wow, I'm sorry you're dealing with this. You get to decide when you get off the crazy train.

As I read through this thread I just kept thinking ..... Who cares if he's on drugs or what drug it is; do you really want to be treated this way by anyone who says they love you? I know I don't.

MrsDragon

I would never assume that all the people who make choices to live, or interact with an addict are suffering from codependency and need recovery (from their low self-esteem, attaching their self-worth to the addict, playing hero, playing victim, obsessive acts); there are many reasons why people stay in these relationships. In fact some people may be so strong in their self that they can handle the interactions, create boundaries that allow for peaceful coexistence, and even find personal satisfaction. And remember, for some addiction comes out of the blue after years of sobriety; it may take time to determine what the future holds for the person suffering the addiction, and it may take time for the partner to re-envision their life before they take action.

crazybabie

I am sorry for what your going through I do hope this makes him wake up but don't have any expectations of that not having expectations is another thing we leave in Al-anon or similar programs having expectations set us up for more pain.

I wish you the best on this hard journey.

runner1981

Thank you so much! I do hope that people won't be judgmental as the only part of our 12-year relationship I have shared on here has been the past 12 months. There is SO much more that I have not shared. Before he started using a year ago, we were totally in love and had a GREAT life. Nothing ever came between us and we were literally best friends. I can't find it in me (at least not right now) to give up on us, or give up on him. He has agreed to individual as well as couples counseling. He has made some VERY bad decisions this past year, which has astounded everyone who has known him for any length of time. Without the drugs, he is an absolutely wonderful, caring, loving, fun, and sweet person. I'm hoping that this person who everyone misses will come back.

He did come home from the hospital today and he is (currently) the sober guy who I love, even made me dinner when he came home and wants to spend time with me and keeps hugging me and saying how much he missed me. He has not done that in the past year. I'm trying not to be falsely reassured by his current attitude and behavior that this heart attack has been a huge eye opener to him, although I'm desperately hoping it has. He has told me many times how scared he was lying in the hospital all alone and broke down crying, something he has never done. I personally do not think that I am codependent on him, rather not wanting to lose my best friend and the love of my life and refusing to give up on us and our love without a fair, honest fight. Maybe I am loyal and forgiving to a flaw, but I refuse to let the love of my life leave the hospital after just having a heart attack with nowhere to go. I WANT him home. I WANT to be there for him when he is ready to allow me to help him. I truly hope that no one will judge me for that. I have SO many friends pressuring me to not let him come home and to kick his butt to the curb and pretty much telling me I'm a complete idiot to let him back home with me and, honestly, I think that puts as much if not more stress and pressure on me than the actual situation I'm dealing with itself.

PerhapsLove

Of course it is possible that he has "seen the light". A heart attack is a pretty serious eye-opener. It would be wonderful if he woke up to all that he was damaging by his drug use. I would do the same thing you are doing, although I have to be honest. My daughter has been on life support twice (that I know of) and has had multiple hospital admissions because of her drug and alcohol abuse and their consequences. I have sat with her in the ER and visited her when she was admitted. I have never been able to stay away when she was in serious medical trouble, because I never knew if she would survive. That being said, if I were you, and he starts the addiction pattern again, even for a moment, I would suspend the relationship and insist on treatment. That is where I am with my daughter right now. She says she is waiting to get into rehab, so I will wait to see if she follows through. And then I will wait to see if she gets into an aftercare program. I hold on to the hope that one of these times she will be serious about getting better. Your fiance might just have been scared enough to realize what he was throwing away. Just don't let your guard down. Don't ignore the signs.

Hugs and prayers!

runner1981

I'm seriously hoping that this will be the first and only time we have to go through a scare like this! We found out today that he had about 5% damage to his heart muscle from this event. I can tell that he is scared to death. He won't stop hugging me and has been trying to wait on me hand and foot since he got home, although he is pretty weak and absolutely exhausted right now, so he is currently sleeping, which is what he needs. He didn't get any sleep during his 3 days in the hospital because the staff was coming into his room just about every hour to draw blood, test his blood sugar, and give him insulin (he's a diabetic).

I'm NOT making excuses for his behavior or decisions, but he has been through a few traumas in his life, the most significant one being that his mother collapsed and died right in front of us a little over 4 years ago while we were visiting her and he has always felt that it was his fault that he couldn't save her. He has never forgiven himself for that, even though he did everything that he could to try and save her. He very rarely ever talks about it and keeps it all bottled up inside. I know that it has been eating away at him for the past 4 years since it happened. He was also in the first Gulf War in 1991 and experienced many traumatic events from that, not to mention working in extremely stressful jobs, working as a paramedic in a very large city and then working in a psychiatric hospital for the last 6-7 years with extremely violent psych patients on a daily basis. I just can't help but wonder if all of these things and the fact that he always keeps his emotions bottled up inside has led him to drug use this past year. Again, I'm NOT trying to make excuses for his decisions this past year. I know that his mother would have an absolute fit if she was still with us and this was going on.

Our love for each other has always been unconditional and we have always been each other's rocks. He means the world to me and I just want to see him get better. I would give anything to see that, and if there is anything at all I can do to assist in that, I will be there for him and won't leave his side. Of course, if things continue the way they have and don't change or get worse, I will have a completely different outlook, but this is how I feel right at this moment. He is NOT a bad person. He just needs some serious help to get his life back on track and as long as he shows that he is trying 100% to turn his life around and make better, smarter decisions, I will always be by his side and support him.