I think my fiance is using drugs - Please help!

Old 10-06-2012, 10:47 AM
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Originally Posted by runner1981 View Post

Oh, and another thing...I still don't now where the money is for his guns that he either pawned or sold! That money obviously must have gone towards getting his "fix"! He has blamed ME for the fact that he has had to sell several of his belongings to get extra money for US, yet I have NEVER seen a dime of that money, and half of the things I didn't even know he sold!
My first thought when reading this: "Regardless of where the money went, thank heavens there are no guns in the house!"

Please keep yourself safe!
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Old 10-06-2012, 10:51 AM
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Originally Posted by Kimmieh View Post
My first thought when reading this: "Regardless of where the money went, thank heavens there are no guns in the house!"

Please keep yourself safe!
Exactly! The police asked me yesterday if there were any firearms in the house, and I said "No, thank goodness he sold them all, probably for drug money." He LOVED those guns dearly. He's ex-army (was in the first Gulf War in 1991) and he always used to go target shooting with his old friends/coworkers (the ones who now want nothing to do with him because of his addiction, lies, and how he has treated me this past year). Oh well. He can blame me all he wants, but his selling his beloved guns has NOTHING to do with me!
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Old 10-06-2012, 11:02 AM
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Nothing he does has anything to do with you! I am so sorry things have turned out this way! I am very impressed with you for involving the police! I tried everything to keep my ABF safe from run-ins with the law and shouldn't have. It looks like you are much better at looking after yourself than I was.

I worry that you run a very real risk of becoming entangled with the drug scene by letting him stay with you. My BF is an alcoholic, but when I was gone for a few weeks one time, he let other people stay at my place and I found a little plastic baggie and a rolled up piece of paper on my desk. I was livid and told him that he will never invite people into our home who take drugs. I was so scared of being in any shape or form affiliated with illegal that I literally had a panic attack over this.

Of course it's your decision, but I think this situation goes beyond enabling a drug addict. He puts you in danger just by being affiliated with you...
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Old 10-06-2012, 11:11 AM
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I've been where you are--trying to reason with the addict. It doesn't work. The drug is their best friend, their mistress. You can't reason with an active addict. It does nothing for them, and will drive you crazy. They come up with ridiculous excuses and explanations, and it just drives us nuts. It makes us doubt ourselves. There is such a disconnect between reality (what we see) and what they are telling us. Have you read Codependent No More yet? It was eye opening to me.
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Old 10-06-2012, 11:59 AM
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Ahhh....and the circular conversations ensue.....

Word Salad......

I leave to get away from YOU.....
.................uh...ok....then WHY DO YOU COME BACK?????


Their words and their reasonings make NO SENSE. It is maddening....and it is SICK to engage in it.

It will only confuse you.....

And little by little by little.....it chips away at your heart, and your self esteem.

It's like handing him a straw so he can suck the life out of you some more.
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Old 10-06-2012, 01:19 PM
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"It's like handing him a straw so he can suck the life out of you some more."

and your sanity!!
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Old 10-06-2012, 01:20 PM
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Is this drug addict going into a medical facility on Monday and administer patient care?
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Old 10-06-2012, 01:37 PM
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Is it ok with you that he uses your home as a flop house, a detox facility? He goes into your bedroom and passes out and you sleep in the spare bedroom...for the weekend no less. Doesn't he have any responsibilities in the home?

IMO there is something real wrong with this picture.

Glad to hear that you have opened your own account, and, I hope that you never give him your truck keys again, that would be very bad judgement on your part.
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Old 10-06-2012, 01:45 PM
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Originally Posted by EnglishGarden View Post
Is this drug addict going into a medical facility on Monday and administer patient care?
I was just going to type the same thing. I pray he is not caring for any patients and/or responsible for distributing medications!
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Old 10-06-2012, 02:24 PM
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Originally Posted by runner1981 View Post
This morning, he had all kinds of attitude towards me, trying to blame his situation on me, saying that he has no life, continuing to swear that he's not doing drugs of any kind and saying that the reason he takes off is to get away from me!
Well then, why is he sticking around? Of course the reason is because he wants a place to flop out in before the next binge. I hope you show him the door.
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Old 10-06-2012, 02:44 PM
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Sadly he will get worse unless he seeks help. All the behaviors you seen now will magnify because addiction is a progressive disease. There is no magic cure, he will have to work as hard as he does to get a fix, to get well.

And of course you are the blame you are there … who else would he blame and you stand between him and his drugs. All enablers do, just as much as they help add more nails into the coffins of the ones they love. Always trying to get them to stop yet helping them to use. It is insanity at it’s finest.

And you really don’t get it at all.
I think it is nice that you told him he can’t use your truck Monday, you don’t think for a moment that he won’t find a way to change your mind. Addicts are relentless when they want it their way and they learn because we teach them and they already know what will trigger us into giving in. And many give in just to shut them up and get a moments peace.

Oh and work is the last place he should be Monday but I can play that one out easy, if he goes to work then he doesn’t have a problem cause he holds a job and all … and if he loses his job guess what you will be the blame or it will be someone else’s fault but never his … one thing addiction blinds the user to if how they are the cause of all their problems. Maybe cause there are so many around willing to take the blame and help validate their excuses.

Remember we teach people how to treat us. Do you find it acceptable to be treated how you are being in the moment. Don’t look at the past look at now, don’t make it drug use, it is him … the drugs have no baring at all, they just excite something within him already, so the drug can not be the blame either. See him as he is now. If he healthy for you to be around? Do you feel safe and secure with him in the house with you?

And what are you going to do for you … to give you the best chance because you have to do something cause he isn’t your problem right now, you are.
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Old 10-06-2012, 03:04 PM
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Originally Posted by runner1981 View Post

He was being TOTALLY dramatic and saying things like "Goodbye, my love" and "I will always love you" and "We will see each other again one day" and "How did my life come to this? I am a total failure and you deserve so much better than me. I will always love you." (
I am so sorry that you have mistaken this for love.

He's has been and will continue to manipulate you so long as your allow him to do so.
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Old 10-06-2012, 03:12 PM
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Originally Posted by runner1981 View Post

He ALWAYS pulls that manipulative behavior after he's been gone on a binge and ignoring me the entire time he's gone. He'll always say those types of things to try and make me feel sorry for him and let him come home.
I mean no snark, here when I say he manipulates you because you have allowed him to do so. That's your role in it.
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Old 10-06-2012, 03:24 PM
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Originally Posted by runner1981 View Post

He's ex-army (was in the first Gulf War in 1991)
That would like put him at about age 40+/-

He's broke, unemployed, uninsured, carless, a moocher, a liar, a manipulator and a thief. He has shown you who he is. Believe him.
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Old 10-06-2012, 03:31 PM
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I just got home after being out for several hours with my best friend. We went out for a late lunch and did our grocery shopping together. When I came home, my fiance's former best friend and his wife were waiting for me in my driveway (they had mentioned getting together today after they found out this was going on again). My fiance used to work with both of them at their old job at a psychiatric hospital before they all got laid off last spring. His former best friend will have nothing to do with my fiance anymore because of the drugs and constant lies over the span of the past year, maybe a little more. It's so sad because they were like brothers and did EVERYTHING together for 6 years, both at work and outside of work. He was almost in tears when he was saying how much he misses his best friend, but that he just can't be around him or be associated with him because of all of this. He was telling me things that my fiance told him and other coworkers that were outright lies that totally blew me away. My best friend, who also has always been equally good friends with my fiancé all these years, was there to hear all of it and she was blown away, too. All 4 of us stood in my driveway in tears over the loss of the man we knew, the loving, caring, fun, funny, awesome person he used to be, but he is no longer that person. None of us can help him. We all have to step back and let him hit rock bottom himself. His former best friend pretty much firmed up the fact that it was bath salts that he's been into this past year. They are scared to death for my safety, the safety of my home, the safety of my vehicle, the safety of my money, and the safety of my expensive belongings. I know I need him out of here so that he can hit rock bottom on his own without me or anyone else continuously coming to his rescue. I don't know how to approach this. I'm scared to death and the guilt is overwhelming, but the only thing I can do for him at this point is remove him from my life, at least until he proves he has gotten serious, serious help and cleaned himself up. I don't know when or if that will ever happen. Just as I expected, he was still sound asleep when got home, sleeping off his 2-3-day binge.
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Old 10-06-2012, 04:06 PM
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"They are scared to death for my safety."

I am too, on bath salts, he is a dangerous man. Let him go, you have no reason to feel guilty, he is an adult and has made the bad decisions, you did not. You cannot help him.
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Old 10-06-2012, 04:30 PM
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Originally Posted by runner1981 View Post

His former best friend will have nothing to do with my fiance anymore because of the drugs and constant lies over the span of the past year, maybe a little more.

His former best friend has a healthy boundary to not associate with drug addicts /liars.

They are scared to death for my safety, the safety of my home, the safety of my vehicle, the safety of my money, and the safety of my expensive belongings.

I know I need him out of here so that he can hit rock bottom on his own without me or anyone else continuously coming to his rescue.
Let's reframe this into a boundary:

" I want him out of here because I value myself, my sanity, my home and my stuff." That's healthy thinking.

Your fiance is living his life as he chooses. Nothing you can say or do is going to cause him to change. You can't keep him clean or safe and he is potentially dangerous.
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Old 10-06-2012, 05:48 PM
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Originally Posted by outtolunch View Post
That would like put him at about age 40+/-

He's broke, unemployed, uninsured, carless, a moocher, a liar, a manipulator and a thief. He has shown you who he is. Believe him.
Yup, he turned 42 in June. I just turned 31 a few weeks ago. We've been together since I was 18, right after I graduated from high school. We're 11 years apart, but that has never mattered. We always had the best, most solid, trustworthy relationship and we were always super close. He ALWAYS used to be there for me no matter what. It's sad. He never used to be like this until he chose the path of drugs and addiction. The old him is gone and it breaks my heart.
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Old 10-06-2012, 05:54 PM
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Red face Keep your chin up!!! :(

runner... I'm giving you a big hug right now first and foremost HUG!!!

I read your heartbreaking story and most of the responses that ensued... and it makes me so sad that this thing keeps happening over and over and over again to so many good people.

You are new to all this chaos. It's really good you are posting your thoughts and feelings and have really good people to support you here. Mfox and your stories are similar to mine (same excuses, disappearance acts, ignoring, excuses etc and major stress and anxiety, fear etc. from me). It took me over 3 years to finally say "enough" and ask my AH to leave in November.

Unfortunately, my story doesn't have a happy ending for my AH. He died of an accidental overdose 2 months ago today. However, my future is still ahead of me... and I'm hopeful for it to be much better. I am of course, still grieving for him and the stupid loss of what could have been a great loss... but there was absolutely NOTHING I could have done differently to prevent this outcome... nothing.

I was there to support him, to take him back in, to give in to his temper tantrums... all the meanwhile, I got very sick and now, I'm struggling with getting my health back on track. I am determined to do it though...

I just want you to know that you are not alone - not by a long shot. You will get to that point of no return in YOUR OWN TIME... no one elses, k? Especially, no one on this forum who mean well in their way to show you what not to do in order to avoid mistakes they made.

Life doesn't happen that way. We all each have our own path and destinies to fulfill and each of us make decisions and choices that will determine where our lives will go. If we give our addicted loved ones this respect, so should we to others who are going through what we have in the past (or currently are experiencing).

Just keep posting... keep reading whatever you can... go to meetings... stay connected to the sane side of live and realize that your fiance is very sick but he needs to do the work and the effort to get himself healthy again. If you try to 'help' him find his way, you may end up getting extremely ill yourself in the process (like others have said above).

Sending more hugs your way

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Old 10-06-2012, 06:10 PM
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Originally Posted by CanfixONLYme View Post
runner... I'm giving you a big hug right now first and foremost HUG!!!

I read your heartbreaking story and most of the responses that ensued... and it makes me so sad that this thing keeps happening over and over and over again to so many good people.

You are new to all this chaos. It's really good you are posting your thoughts and feelings and have really good people to support you here. Mfox and your stories are similar to mine (same excuses, disappearance acts, ignoring, excuses etc and major stress and anxiety, fear etc. from me). It took me over 3 years to finally say "enough" and ask my AH to leave in November.

Unfortunately, my story doesn't have a happy ending for my AH. He died of an accidental overdose 2 months ago today. However, my future is still ahead of me... and I'm hopeful for it to be much better. I am of course, still grieving for him and the stupid loss of what could have been a great loss... but there was absolutely NOTHING I could have done differently to prevent this outcome... nothing.

I was there to support him, to take him back in, to give in to his temper tantrums... all the meanwhile, I got very sick and now, I'm struggling with getting my health back on track. I am determined to do it though...

I just want you to know that you are not alone - not by a long shot. You will get to that point of no return in YOUR OWN TIME... no one elses, k? Especially, no one on this forum who mean well in their way to show you what not to do in order to avoid mistakes they made.

Life doesn't happen that way. We all each have our own path and destinies to fulfill and each of us make decisions and choices that will determine where our lives will go. If we give our addicted loved ones this respect, so should we to others who are going through what we have in the past (or currently are experiencing).

Just keep posting... keep reading whatever you can... go to meetings... stay connected to the sane side of live and realize that your fiance is very sick but he needs to do the work and the effort to get himself healthy again. If you try to 'help' him find his way, you may end up getting extremely ill yourself in the process (like others have said above).

Sending more hugs your way

Thank you so much! Today was very emotional when his former best friend and his wife showed up, and even he burst into tears, which I never ever expected. He's not the type of guy you would expect to see crying! Of course, that made me start crying again and we both stood in my driveway in tears talking about how much we miss the old him. To be honest, for the past several months, I have thought that he hated my fiance now for how he has acted and for constantly blowing him off for drugs and his new druggie friends for several months, but that obviously is not that case. He said "I miss my best friend. I always thought of him like a brother." Mfox and I actually talked on the phone for at least an hour last night and we've been texting today, which has been helping me A LOT! It's amazing how similar our situations are! We wish we lived closer to each other, but we're clear across the country from each other on totally opposite coasts, but we have phone, texting, and Facebook to keep in touch and hopefully we will get to meet one day! It makes me feel so much better to know that I have someone I can talk to who is going through the same exact thing at the same exact time! I know my fiance is extremely ill right now and I know that the stress of it all will make ME sick. I am SO SCARED TO DEATH that this will kill him, that he will one day go on another binge and overdose and that will be it. I love this man with all my heart. He's all I've known my entire adult life. Like I said, I've been with him since I was fresh out of high school and now I'm 31. I AM SO, SO SCARED FOR HIM. I don't know what I would ever do if this addiction killed him. Honestly, that's why I keep letting him come home after he disappears to go on a binge. At least when he is at home, I know he's not going to overdose and kill himself as long as he's home. I know that I can't save him and I feel so helpless right now.
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