I think my fiance is using drugs - Please help!
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 75
Originally Posted by runner1981 
It is. I know I probably shouldn't have called or even worried about it, but I just had to know for my own peace of mind if he still had a job.
I did the same thing for mine - made excuses....until I stopped. Right now this is how I see it - He HAD a warm home, clothes, food, a JOB in addition to a BUSINESS, a truck, a motorcycle, health insurance and a good woman who loves him still - HE DIDN'T WANT ANY OF IT! CRACK was far more important.
You should find a meeting. Meet people. Talk to people. Read their literature. Most importantly, start putting yourself first.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Maryland
Posts: 72
Runner,
Bath salts are an extremely dangerous drug. My brother's most recent DOC was bath salts. Having spoken with medical professionals, the side effects can be terrible, and can even take weeks or months to subside. The doctors even told me that there is the potential for long-term psychosis from the use of bath salts. My brother was prescribed an anti-psychotic to help him deal with the side effects. As difficult as it may be, for your own safety please stay away from him. I wish you all the best!
Bath salts are an extremely dangerous drug. My brother's most recent DOC was bath salts. Having spoken with medical professionals, the side effects can be terrible, and can even take weeks or months to subside. The doctors even told me that there is the potential for long-term psychosis from the use of bath salts. My brother was prescribed an anti-psychotic to help him deal with the side effects. As difficult as it may be, for your own safety please stay away from him. I wish you all the best!
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Quote:
Originally Posted by LoveMeNot
Isn't that really his responsibility? Giving him a soft place to land will only keep his addiction thriving.
It is. I know I probably shouldn't have called or even worried about it, but I just had to know for my own peace of mind if he still had a job.
Originally Posted by LoveMeNot
Isn't that really his responsibility? Giving him a soft place to land will only keep his addiction thriving.
It is. I know I probably shouldn't have called or even worried about it, but I just had to know for my own peace of mind if he still had a job.
There's nothing you can do to help him anyway. Let go or be dragged.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Wilton, Ct
Posts: 8
Please please please....get to somewhere safe and sound. Get to an Alanon meeting....They are truly life saving... Wishing you the best on this horrible journey.... My 19 yr old AD is in her 4th day of a 28 day rehab... I am hoping for the best...but its out of my hands....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 32
He is home. When he came home, I called the police and had them come over. The officer point blank asked my fiance if he had been doing drugs and he just burst into tears. I've never seen him do that before. The cop asked him if it was bath salts and my fiance said no. I think it's cocaine. The officer spent about 20-25 minutes talking to us and suggested that we try to work things out. I just don't know what to do! We both still love each other, but I don't know how his addiction will get better. The police told me to give my fiance an ultimatum; either stop taking off and doing drugs as well as get counseling or to just leave for good. We both were crying. The police also recommended that we just give each other our space tonight, which is fine. I have to work anyway and my fiance is in the bedroom with the dogs watching TV. I don't know what's going to happen. The police even told me to stop enabling him and to let him hit rock bottom on his own because that is the only way he will be able to pick himself up. I NEVER pray, but for this situation I think I will start.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
That advice by a police officer is beyond shocking! Addicts lie about everything - so there is no telling what he is really on. My best guess is Crack or Meth!! Did the police officer even offer to take him to the hospital psych unit for surveillance?
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 598
Yes, pray, because it is times like this that we need God the most. If we never got ourselves into difficult situations we would never seek God. When my son was only 13, I noticed a change in his behavior. I had never had any reason to fear anyone before (parents or husband), but my son had become angry in what seemed overnight. I was fearful of him. I began praying for my son and God showed up. I wondered if He was real prior to this time. My son didn't suddenly get healed and we walked into the sunset by any means. My son became a heroin addict--but through it all God walked through it all with with me.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 32
Originally Posted by LoveMeNot
That advice by a police officer is beyond shocking! Addicts lie about everything - so there is no telling what he is really on. My best guess is Crack or Meth!! Did the police officer even offer to take him to the hospital psych unit for surveillance?
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 528
Originally Posted by runner1981
Another thing he said in a text this afternoon was "I guess I am dead to you because I don't make as much money as you do, which is all you care about...money...not me"
Get your feet under you. Find your strength. Steel your spine. Quickest way to ease anxiety, go no contact. Block his texts or change your number. It is hard to think when they are clouding your judgement.
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,927
My story is similar too. Husband was hooked on opiates though. Happened after surgery for a sports injury; so it was all new for us.
In my case, he did not disappear on drug runs for days, but he started spending way too many nights out with his friends from work that used drugs.
He would come home at 2 or 3 am..... I will give him credit as he kept his job and paid bills, etc. But it was not the marriage I wanted.
I agree with what the police officer told you. For your own sake, first you need to calm down and think things through; consider the ultimatum to stop using & get help, or leave to pursue this lifestyle; and then if he goes; i suggest you step away because it's obvious this is tearing you up.
But with that said, realize if you ask him to leave it may make him hit "bottom" or it may not.
And sadly before he hits bottom he could end up on the streets, infected with hepatitis Or HIV, or he could end up dead.
Fact; and so you just have to accept that as a possibility.
I asked my husband to choose, and he left to pursue the drug lifestyle. He was fortunate because he was able to get a place to live, and he kept working. Of course, I didn't know what would happen at the time & envisioned all kinds of things.
He was gone a year, and when he came back he was hooked on opiates, Benzos and cocaine. But he was ready to stop & agreed to get help.
That was almost 6 months ago; he is good now. We are back together. Doesn't always work out that way however.
If your fiancé agrees to get help, then you still have decisions to make in regard to your feelings, and your role in his recovery. It can still be a difficult journey.
But you have time to make all these choices, and they are best made when you are as calm and rested as possible.
Sending a prayer out to you both.
In my case, he did not disappear on drug runs for days, but he started spending way too many nights out with his friends from work that used drugs.
He would come home at 2 or 3 am..... I will give him credit as he kept his job and paid bills, etc. But it was not the marriage I wanted.
I agree with what the police officer told you. For your own sake, first you need to calm down and think things through; consider the ultimatum to stop using & get help, or leave to pursue this lifestyle; and then if he goes; i suggest you step away because it's obvious this is tearing you up.
But with that said, realize if you ask him to leave it may make him hit "bottom" or it may not.
And sadly before he hits bottom he could end up on the streets, infected with hepatitis Or HIV, or he could end up dead.
Fact; and so you just have to accept that as a possibility.
I asked my husband to choose, and he left to pursue the drug lifestyle. He was fortunate because he was able to get a place to live, and he kept working. Of course, I didn't know what would happen at the time & envisioned all kinds of things.
He was gone a year, and when he came back he was hooked on opiates, Benzos and cocaine. But he was ready to stop & agreed to get help.
That was almost 6 months ago; he is good now. We are back together. Doesn't always work out that way however.
If your fiancé agrees to get help, then you still have decisions to make in regard to your feelings, and your role in his recovery. It can still be a difficult journey.
But you have time to make all these choices, and they are best made when you are as calm and rested as possible.
Sending a prayer out to you both.
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 517
Originally Posted by runner1981
Shortly after all of this, my fiance started texting me and telling me how much he loves me and how badly he wants to come home, but that he's too afraid to and that he knows how much better off I am without him and how he will always love me. He then said "Tell the dogs I love them. I have their pictures on my phone, so they will be the last thing I see. I love you honey. Maybe someday you can forgive me. I hope you are able to find happiness. All I want to do is come home and hug you."
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 493
[QUOTE=mfox;3609046 I met the man I am letting go when I was your age. He was amazing! My best friend, funny, gorgeous, compassionate, smart. He was literally the perfect catch. Here I am now, 39 years old, and wishing I had the last 5 years of my life back to do over..... to find happiness, because I am most definitely NOT happy now and I have allowed myself to sacrifice too much of my life and my happiness to his addiction.[/QUOTE]
MFox you describe it all perfectly. i feel I could be reading about myself. I am the same age too!!!! There is no point in having regrets... but I feel I have wasted the most precious years of my life.... and I am still battling to really let go....
MFox you describe it all perfectly. i feel I could be reading about myself. I am the same age too!!!! There is no point in having regrets... but I feel I have wasted the most precious years of my life.... and I am still battling to really let go....
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: PM me....
Posts: 468
Runner....
You have 3 pages of information on this thread. Information that comes directly from people who have lived it. None of us have any reason to make it sound worse than it is.
It is THAT bad and it CAN GET that much WORSE.
It is like the weather channel telling the people of New Orleans that Hurricane Katrina is coming....GET OUT OF IT'S WAY.....
Yet...so many stayed.
Your weather channel has been this past year. Watching the outer bands of rain and wind.
Now the wind is picking up, the rain is getting stronger...could the weather man be wrong? Can I wait out the storm? Now the water is coming in the first floor, so you climb to the second floor. Great...now I can't get out of my own house.
Then the water makes it's way up to the second floor and you are going to the attic.
This is what you have been doing with each of his runs. Climbing to higher ground...minimizing what is going on around you....
Pretty soon you are going to have to take a hatchet and cut a hole in the roof to climb out there....and hope a helicopter can get in to save you.
This is denial. Thinking you are stronger than the storm. Taking refuge in the calmer moments....hoping that the storm is finally over. Then it regains strength and here it comes again. More rain, more wind....more DAMAGE.
Until you change the locks on the door...pack his stuff up and put it out on the front porch, or take it to one of his family members....take control of your truck and your home. Quit checking his phone, facebook etc. Don't talk to him....and don't talk to his work or talk to anyone that can give information to you about him.....
Until you do those things.....you are enabling him and you are stuck in denial.
And Hurricane Katrina is momentarily sleeping quietly in the other room. But it's a Hurricane only doing what Hurricanes do.
You have 3 pages of information on this thread. Information that comes directly from people who have lived it. None of us have any reason to make it sound worse than it is.
It is THAT bad and it CAN GET that much WORSE.
It is like the weather channel telling the people of New Orleans that Hurricane Katrina is coming....GET OUT OF IT'S WAY.....
Yet...so many stayed.
Your weather channel has been this past year. Watching the outer bands of rain and wind.
Now the wind is picking up, the rain is getting stronger...could the weather man be wrong? Can I wait out the storm? Now the water is coming in the first floor, so you climb to the second floor. Great...now I can't get out of my own house.
Then the water makes it's way up to the second floor and you are going to the attic.
This is what you have been doing with each of his runs. Climbing to higher ground...minimizing what is going on around you....
Pretty soon you are going to have to take a hatchet and cut a hole in the roof to climb out there....and hope a helicopter can get in to save you.
This is denial. Thinking you are stronger than the storm. Taking refuge in the calmer moments....hoping that the storm is finally over. Then it regains strength and here it comes again. More rain, more wind....more DAMAGE.
Until you change the locks on the door...pack his stuff up and put it out on the front porch, or take it to one of his family members....take control of your truck and your home. Quit checking his phone, facebook etc. Don't talk to him....and don't talk to his work or talk to anyone that can give information to you about him.....
Until you do those things.....you are enabling him and you are stuck in denial.
And Hurricane Katrina is momentarily sleeping quietly in the other room. But it's a Hurricane only doing what Hurricanes do.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 598
Your boyfriend is home and once again the cycle continues. You were so worried about your truck. He'll want it again. What then? I hope you get tough. You've got worse days ahead. From all I've read and experienced, wanting our addicts to quit using and their getting help is not reality. They may actually want things to be better but are incapable of getting help--the drugs rule their life. It's not until they lose everything (including their loved ones) do they finally get help.
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 864
First and foremost to make it very clear, you know. You are most aware of the fact that he is an addict, so from this moment on you can’t blame him. If your life continues to leave you crying for days, depressed, confused unable to sleep or eat with worry and fear ruling the day… that is all on you. If he steals from you in a sense you let it happen. If he brings danger to your front door, on you as well. There are no free passes in my head. But then I took complete responsibility of my own actions in the madness. Blaming my husband was just to easy cause then I didn’t have to look at how f*cked up I was.
He is sick, but don’t miss the fact that you are as well. Simple fact is that those who watch get as sick if not sicker than the addicts in their lives. You will most likely go down with him to what level will be on you. You will go willingly. He will not be the blame here because of your willingness to stay in the madness.
You can not save him. And I don’t care how bad he seems, he is more than capable of saving himself and will when ready and it can’t be about you. He has to do it for himself. So if you think some line to threaten of me or the drugs will work, you are deluding yourself. He also doesn’t use at you, but being in the room with someone high and out of their minds is a very dangerous place. Just to make it clear you are not equipped to deal with an addict who is out of their mind.
You can choose to save yourself. I suggest you work on that ASAP.
Important things.
You need to know what he is using. Does it make a difference absolutely in every respect. You also need to understand that the drug world is dangerous, don’t play games in it. Keep yourself as distanced as you can from it, although inviting it into your home does bring in to your doorstep.
You can focus on his lies, but it will be the ones you tell yourself that will be your demise. But damn if his lies won’t make the best distraction!
Understand that any enabling will keep him trapped in his addiction. If you really want to help him then don’t, at all.
Understand that if you do not seek out help for you, no matter what he chooses to do for himself you will be part of the problem. The addiction thrives in the chaos, it thrives in all the help the enabler gives.
Read and read some more on codependency, enabling and addiction.
Know that you already have all the answers in you … find them because none will come from him.
Know that you can not make sense of insanity. His addiction will not make sense and can’t because it isn’t yours.
He is sick, but don’t miss the fact that you are as well. Simple fact is that those who watch get as sick if not sicker than the addicts in their lives. You will most likely go down with him to what level will be on you. You will go willingly. He will not be the blame here because of your willingness to stay in the madness.
You can not save him. And I don’t care how bad he seems, he is more than capable of saving himself and will when ready and it can’t be about you. He has to do it for himself. So if you think some line to threaten of me or the drugs will work, you are deluding yourself. He also doesn’t use at you, but being in the room with someone high and out of their minds is a very dangerous place. Just to make it clear you are not equipped to deal with an addict who is out of their mind.
You can choose to save yourself. I suggest you work on that ASAP.
Important things.
You need to know what he is using. Does it make a difference absolutely in every respect. You also need to understand that the drug world is dangerous, don’t play games in it. Keep yourself as distanced as you can from it, although inviting it into your home does bring in to your doorstep.
You can focus on his lies, but it will be the ones you tell yourself that will be your demise. But damn if his lies won’t make the best distraction!
Understand that any enabling will keep him trapped in his addiction. If you really want to help him then don’t, at all.
Understand that if you do not seek out help for you, no matter what he chooses to do for himself you will be part of the problem. The addiction thrives in the chaos, it thrives in all the help the enabler gives.
Read and read some more on codependency, enabling and addiction.
Know that you already have all the answers in you … find them because none will come from him.
Know that you can not make sense of insanity. His addiction will not make sense and can’t because it isn’t yours.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 75
Runner, seems to me you have a great group of people here for YOU. A family of sorts - albeit, kinda of a really unfortunate group of codies, but a family just the same. We all live or have lived where you are right now. We all know the pain and the heartache and the insanity that you are experiencing. ALL of us, at some point, thought it would get BETTER, yet NO ONE here has said that it ever got better. It only gets worse - and will likely continue to. Yes, there is that little voice in your head, the one that says "but we're different, HE'S different. HE knows better and will pull his head out." HE WON'T. Not with you helping HIM. So help YOU! Get your life figured out WITHOUT HIM. The fact is, IF your relationship is THAT special, once you are gone he will fight tooth and nail to get himself squared away to get you back. It's unlikely, but the fact is, he has to think your relationship is as important as you do. And right now his "mistress" holds the ONLY key to his happiness. TAKE CARE OF YOU!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 32
I ended up sleeping in the guest bedroom last night. I could NOT bring myself to sleep in the same bed next to him after the hell he has been putting me through lately. I have too much resent and disgust towards him right now. This is NOT the same man I knew and loved for the first 11-1/2 years of our relationship...not even close. This morning, he had all kinds of attitude towards me, trying to blame his situation on me, saying that he has no life, continuing to swear that he's not doing drugs of any kind and saying that the reason he takes off is to get away from me, but it's all lies. He knows I refuse to believe he's not using. EVERYONE sees it. He is acting like a textbook drug addict! Even the police officer who was here last night knew it! He just went back to bed and I'm sure he's going to be in bed all weekend, sleeping off whatever he's been doing these past few days. I told him that if he's going to try to keep his job and go back to work Monday, he will NOT be taking my truck...not a chance in hell. I have hidden the keys and I went to the bank and opened up a new checking and savings account under my name only and closed the joint account that we had. If he wants a bank account, he can go and open up his own. He did return most of the money that he took from our bank account (which was leftover from MY paycheck after paying bills), so I have that in my possession as well now. He's now back in bed and it's driving me CRAZY!!!!! Just a little while ago (before he went back to bed), I told him that him telling me that he's not a drug addict is pretty much as believable as if he were to point to one of our dogs or cats and tell me it was a giraffe. He had absolutely nothing to say to that and went straight to the bedroom and shut the door!
Oh, and another thing...I still don't now where the money is for his guns that he either pawned or sold! That money obviously must have gone towards getting his "fix"! He has blamed ME for the fact that he has had to sell several of his belongings to get extra money for US, yet I have NEVER seen a dime of that money, and half of the things I didn't even know he sold!
Oh, and another thing...I still don't now where the money is for his guns that he either pawned or sold! That money obviously must have gone towards getting his "fix"! He has blamed ME for the fact that he has had to sell several of his belongings to get extra money for US, yet I have NEVER seen a dime of that money, and half of the things I didn't even know he sold!
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