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I can't stop crying

Old 12-07-2010, 01:25 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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His life, his choices. It really sounds to me like you are looking at him as a victim. He is not a victim. He has made some lousy choices in life, but they were his choices to make. He has to face the consequences of those bad choices. Then, he has to decide whether to continue on his current path or do something different.
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Old 12-07-2010, 01:45 PM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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It's difficult but love him enough to allow him to find his own self-worth, dignity and self-respect to find his own way to a healthier life for HIM.

There are many of us who have had to not answer phone calls, not make visits in jails, rehabs, hospitals and have had to say NO to giving money, shelter and many other things because we knew we would only be preventing our loved one from getting the help they truly needed.

It isn't because we are so tough, we love them less or we are stronger - it's just because we have reached the end of the road with this disease and know that the only way to help them is to NOT.

We learned NO is a complete sentence and doesn't require an explanation and that even tho they may say many mean things, some of us have also have the blessings of hearing our loved ones in recovery say "it was the best thing my family could have ever done for me"

I wish I could tell you that it helped all of our loved ones, but sadly no it doesn't. But what you have been doing surely hasn't worked, so I only ask that maybe give our suggestions a try to see if yours maybe one of the ones that this can open a pathway for him to find his own way to a better life.

PINK HUGS,
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Old 12-07-2010, 02:15 PM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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I know.

But right now I think there's almost a "how can I hurt them" like some of the bad decisions are a self-destructive way to get back at us for ... whatever. The fact he thought we didn't like his girlfriend? (not true)

Which probably makes it even better that he leaves - he'll only be hurting himself because we won't necessarily see it (at least not every day like we are now)

I know what you are going to say to this but...

I also think that his one friend started hanging around when he was vulnerable. this kid is relentless. He is always arguing, wears people down to get his own way. My daughter says that he is constantly planning out the stories and lies he's going to tell to get away with stuff. She thinks that her brother is just too nice and his friend just won't let go.

I've actually never seen anyone like this and the kid infiltrated every aspect of my son's life - transferred to the same college, into a couple of the same classes, got a job at the same place. He tried to get them to move into an apartment together - and it was completely relentless - he wouldn't take no for an answer even when we said it didn't work for us financially and didn't make any sense.

The kid seems to have unlimited funds, a sporty car and his parents have no control over him - they don't even try. He's been busted as well, caught with a scale etc. but managed to talk himself out of some of that. Still has a possession charge to go to court for. But I think he sells drugs and he uses my son to help him (my son is tall, good looking, and was popular at school)

Again, I know what you're thinking - that everybody thinks it's somebody elses fault. But I had a very soft-hearted son who went through a bad time then has this parasite like friend attached to him. Do I have to watch this kid overwhelm and destroy mine?
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Old 12-07-2010, 02:43 PM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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Yes its very hard to watch bad influences in our adult childrens lives..but it is ultimately their choice..especially at 18.What you did do..say you are out on your ear unless you get help is in my opinion completely the right thing.
I also hear what you are saying about it not being his choice to go..it sounds like you are concerned he isn't "done"yet.And he may well not be, but rehab will expose him to some tools and when the drug use ceases to be fun (which it sounds like it still is for him) he will know that he can turn to a 12 step program. It plants a seed.My daughter was unable to truly enjoy her using after her 1st rehab cuz her eyes were open and she knew too much.Didn't stop her from using, but taking the fun out it shortned her bottom.
O f course they are depressed..they are using deppresants constantly.The thing for you to do now is start going to alanon or naranon..if you won't do it for yourself , then go for your son.If he doesn't find recovery now, you will need it, and if he does you need it it too.Our counselors at rehab put it this way..if they get healthy and you don't, they will leave you behind because you will be toxic for their recovery.Many of us on this site started getting better at our kids 1st rehab..even if they didn't.
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Old 12-07-2010, 03:38 PM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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It is your home. I suspect he isn't paying the rent/mortgage/food expenses. They send 18 year old off to war so he is upset at you abour rehab? He could be in a lot worse places.

You did the right thing. Unless you put him in a burlap sack and in the trunk and then dropped him off at rehab, he went on his own volition and can leave anytime. He is not in lockdown or there against his will. Sounds more like his pride needs to heal

Are you paying for his tuition? If that were the case he needs to thank you. He knows he messed up big time and good for you for sending him a clear message.

He will be ok and get over this. It hurts sure but the benefits of what you felt you had to do outweigh the risks. It is my understanding that pot is now seen as having psychologically addictive properties and it is no longer viewed as 'safe'. Saying it is so is very innaccurate and based on old information.
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Old 12-07-2010, 09:10 PM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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V,
You absolutely did the right thing. My son is 26, and I just went through the legal process of having him committed to rehab because he's a danger to himself. (See my thread "The police just called") And you think YOUR son hates you? My son is taking first place in that contest right now!! I did basically have him tied up and taken to court/detox/and finally today rehab.

I love what someone said (sorry, can't scroll while replying to give due credit!) about loving them enough to let them hate you. It is so very true.

Everyone here is so wise, I never would've made it through (and continuing through) this, without this site. I'm still trying to get to a f2f meeting, but am horribly behind on xmas, and have to go out of state next week for court w/my x, and working, but I'm not giving up on it. You should try one too!

Now that I've managed to get him into a rehab program, I'm just praying that he will learn something there. Maybe using won't be as much fun after, if some seeds are planted. When he gets out, I won't be trying to control his life, he can make his choices, right or wrong, I will treat him as the adult he is, and I won't help him or see him if he's using. And I will be okay with that.

I know it hurts being hated, especially during the holidays. The only way I can deal with it is by reminding myself it's the disease hating me, not my son.

I wish you all the best, and hope you keep posting and reading. Huge hugs to another hurting mom. FGB
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Old 12-08-2010, 10:34 AM
  # 27 (permalink)  
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My heart breaks for you.

My first son is 23 and is in a long term treatment facility. He is doing very well living in a halfway house and participating in treatment. He did the detox, meetings, detox, meetings, etc. for years but never commitment to an actual program. Now that he has been in one for the past almost 4 months - wow, what a difference.

Now I am onto my 18 year old daughter that was so affected by her brother's drug use that she started doing drugs - mostly pot - the past year.

Today she has agreed to take a drug test and if she does show up, I will soon know exactly what she is doing. I find it hard to believe that it is just pot. Her behavior and rage tells me it has got to be more at this point and time.

It has been a long 7 years for me and my family with my son but if there is one thing I have learned, is that you have to learn how to support their recovery and do that without enabling their addiction.

I know you are afraid for your son - all of us parents are and unfortunately end up enabling them because we think we can save them.

The best advice I ever got that helped me make better choices for my son was from a recovering addict. He told me, the longer I kept my son from feeling the pain of his addiction, the longer I was keeping him from getting the help he really needed. The pain of their addiction at some point will get them into treatment. Whether that be jail or what - that "rock bottom" thing is imperative.

Don't cushion his fall to rock bottom. It will be the hardest thing you ever do but in the end, it is the only thing that will save him.

Obviously, it is easier said than done, or I wouldn't be where I am with my daughter now.

They say addiction destroys families - isn't that an understatement?

I am hoping and praying for you!
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Old 12-08-2010, 11:54 AM
  # 28 (permalink)  
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My husband called. He talked to someone at the hospital and they want us to come in for a meeting tomorrow morning - including our son. The meeting is to work things out with a plan because he wants to come home.

There has been some damage to my relationship with my son from my side - namely yelling. I have been toxic in that regard - so frustrated. So, like one of the posters said, either I start to heal myself, or he might move on without me. Regardless, I need help for myself. God forbid that he continue down this path like so many of you have described, I'm going to have to learn how to deal with that.

thanks so much and I'll keep you posted.
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Old 12-08-2010, 12:22 PM
  # 29 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Vandawglier View Post
There has been some damage to my relationship with my son from my side - namely yelling. I have been toxic in that regard - so frustrated.
Me too and it's been a very hard habit to break. I still want to yell sometimes but then I remind myself I have a choice, and I'll benefit in the long run. The more self confidence I gain, the less I feel the need to yell.
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Old 12-08-2010, 03:24 PM
  # 30 (permalink)  
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Sorry so long!

(((((Vandawglier))))


I used to be a moderator on this site until I ran out of the appropriate time to come here and do what needed to be done. That is the time I stepped down for a while so someone else could be more effective. I have an addict daughter, when I first came here, she was only 21 at the time; she is now 29, nearly 30.

In that time, she had our granddaughter in 2005, who is a sweet, caring and delightful child. For nearly 3 years, our AD was trying very hard to make a life for herself and her daughter and we were all, including her younger sister (not an addict), were all working on rebuilding a family relationship. This is what I concentrated on and why I have up any extra things I was doing so I would not be distracted. For the first time since our AD was 15 and turned from Dr. Jeckyl to Mr. Hyde, we, the parents, had HOPE. It took a long time but we were working to solidly build back trust. My elation grew from the fact that I finally did trust my daughter to be a mother to her own offspring. That was truly a blessing for me. I had such hope that her daughter’s life and needs were going to save her, give her purpose and we continually expressed how proud we were of her stepping up to the plate and taking on the responsibilities. We had wonderful talks about how she “messed up” and told us that she always knew where she stood with us; she was glad we established boundaries and would not allow her to cross certain lines in our home, not because we didn’t love her but because we did and we expected more from her than what others did. Her drugs of choice were weed, crack and a some anti-depressant pills.

She gave us a little insight into how she could not control what she did and that she did not do or say the things she did in active addiction to hurt us but ultimately, to manipulate and control us. Once we stopped and no longer had a front row seat to her behavior, she knew she had to reach elsewhere. She couldn’t stop the behavior and it made no difference if she was in our home, in touch with us or anything; as long as she did drugs, the more she wanted them and the more out of control her life became.

Once her daughter was born, she made a decision to take control of her life so she could have a life with the thing she always wanted more than life itself – a little girl! As I said, this continued for about 3 years or so but the end of last year, she met a man (I choke when I used that name for him), who, she claimed, was an recovering addict from prescription drugs. He moved in with her and from that time on, their lives took a nosedive. It isn’t his fault; she made the choice herself but they were like poison to each other and thing spiraled down so far that after working at one place for 8 years as a very dependable and hard worker, she was fired for stealing (they pressed charges), she robbed another place, lost her apt with the ABF, all the furniture she worked so hard to buy herself through a rental place to help build her credit; pawned her car to a title co, was living in that car with ABF and my granddaughter.

They each have 2 arrest warrants on them, and they have been missing for over a month. My husband and I have legal items in place to take custody of grandbaby but we don’t know where they are. They have fallen so far and so deep that they are on the run but it kills me that she didn’t bring grandbaby to us to take care of. That is because she is so selfish and self-focused that what SHE wants takes preference over what is good for her child. THIS is what active addiction does!

We worry so much about the child but because of the tools we have, what I have learned from f2f meetings, talking to others and this site, we are in good mental and physical shape to help our grandbaby. We did not allow our daughter’s addiction to ruin our lives. I gave her her life, along with the choices to live it, and I took back mine, as did Mr. Marteen and younger, sober daughter.

It sure wasn’t easy but it sure was necessary. Please, I urge you to read the sticky above that I wrote in 2006. It might help you to realize that you are not alone and you are not responsible. THAT is the hardest thing to come to grips with. You will also read what my youngest daughter said to me about spending so much time with my AD.

You sound like you are heading in the right direction. My AD had so much promise for the future but she threw it away – HER choice for HER life. Now she is trying to throw away the life of her child and taking away her choices; it stops there with us. And we are recovered from our codependence, guilt, fear and sadness to be able to step up to the plate when it is really needed.

Please continue to help yourself so you can be in a position to welcome your AS if he decides to come back. Sorry this was so long but I remember that when someone wrote something at first that I could related to, I was so grateful and ate it up. I can understand what you are going through and this is a very scary and lonely time for you but it does get better as long as you continue moving forward and concentrating on not allowing the addict behavior to control you or your life.

Hugs,
Marteen

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Old 12-08-2010, 05:03 PM
  # 31 (permalink)  
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I am so sorry that you are dealing with the fear and anxiety. It's ok for your son to be angry with you. It's OK! Let him be angry. Let him hate you for a while. They say that but believe me.......they don't mean it. He loves you. He knows you love him.

I envy you in a way.....yes....you read that right. I wish I had had the courage to send my son to rehab earlier in the beginnings of his drug use. I wish I had had the wisdom to seek help for myself earlier than I did because I needed it every bit as much as he did. If I had just KNOWN that I needed help, perhaps I could have kept my head on straighter so that I didn't head down the spiral with him.

Take care of you and keep us posted on how the meeting goes.

gentle hugs
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Old 12-09-2010, 05:24 PM
  # 32 (permalink)  
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Thank you!!!

I have wonderful news!

We had our family meeting at the treatment center today.

Our son was diagnosed with depression and is now on antidepressants.

He was a totally different person than he's been for the past few months - more like himself. More like the kid we knew.

He's got a plan and we have the support to carry the plan forward - and he's excited about it. He's going to continue on with the court mandated program and NA meetings plus he has an outpatient counsellor (that he really likes) plus a doctor to help him manage his medication. We will also start family counselling. He's intent on building a case for himself to move past his legal problems.

We brought him home and had a meeting regarding house rules. Together, we came up with rules we felt were acceptable to both him and us regarding use of the car, communicating with us, friends in the house etc. In addition to the rules, we have two statements:

1) We are your family (parents). We love you and our actions will always be with your best interests in mind.
2) No matter where you are, or what time it is, if you are in a situation that is tempting you or is not a good situation for you to be in, you can call us and we will come and get you.

HE told us his program was now his responsibility. He gets to his meetings. He keeps records of his meetings. He arranges for his community service. He keeps his appointments with his counsellors. It is all up to him now.

He said that when we drove him to the treatment center, he knew he didn't have to go in. His intention was to refuse to sign himself in, then tell them he wasn't going home with us. But, he said for some reason he just decided at the last second to sign in - he didn't know why. But he was so mad at us that he wanted to kill us. He said he remembered looking at the wall and thinking - I want to hurt the people who brought me into this world and took care of me. This is exactly where I need to be.

They figure that his depression was actually CAUSED by the marijuana. That caused him to lose interest in his school work etc. which brought on falling grades which caused me to get on his case, which exacerbated the depression, which caused him to smoke more, which threw him farther into depression and so on and so on.

So, we have to address our part of his depression, which is to keep our home calm, stop the yelling etc. He stops the marijuana which was also contributing to his depression. Alcohol is also out because it is contraindicated with his antidepressant med.

HE TOLD US WE DID THE RIGHT THING!!!

He said calling the police would have killed him, taken away all hope. Throwing him out would have kept him on the path with no help - and would have ended up killing him as well. He feels better already. Was awake at 7:00 the past couple of days. Feels rested and energetic. Now that he knows what was wrong - he doesn't want to feel like that again.

We have work to do - lots of it. But I heard lots of good things, more than I even thought I would hear.

(The counsellor at the hospital said he was an intelligent, sensitive and thoughtful young man and they could see why we believed in a bright future for him.)

As for me, I need Alanon or my kid is going to move on without me - thank God!
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Old 12-09-2010, 09:41 PM
  # 33 (permalink)  
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hi, i am new here, i want to say to cant stop crying, i wish i had parents like you back when i was a kid. It shows your son you care and your in charge still even though he is 18 but that doesnt make him adult in his head. drugs really mess up our brain , so our thinking is reaaly screwed up. I hope this rehab center he is in shows by pic. and tells him what the drugs do to his body and brain . i have been told not all drug rehab places do that which i find very distrupting. stay strong go to meetings and learn all you can on drug use, just doing that hopefully will show him you do care and not just trying to be controling even if he doesnt say it or act that way.
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Old 12-10-2010, 03:19 PM
  # 34 (permalink)  
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You did the right thing! My 16 year old son's behavior was changing and I found out he was smoking pot (no other drugs or alcohol). I enrolled him in an intensive outpatient program which involves driving 70 miles five days a week and taking FMLA at my job. He will never be able to say that his mother did nothing to try to help him.
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Old 12-13-2010, 04:11 PM
  # 35 (permalink)  
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Hi all I am new and could use some advice. I am really having a hard time with my 19 year old son's drug use. He has been using on and off for the past 3 years and has overdosed twice, 3 years ago. Lately things have gotten worse. He has been in treatment in the past and has admitted that he needs help again now. But doesn't follow through with it. Over the past two weeks he is disappearing for days and just breezes in the house like nothing is wrong. Last week he came in clearly high and lied to my face that he isn't. I don't want to throw him out but I can't go on like this anymore. I don't sleep, I cry and feel like I can't breath! My fear for his personal safety is overwhelming because of the overdoses in the past. I would like to force some type of treatment but he is an adult and he has to make the call. I have gotten him the numbers to call but he doesn't make the first step. He also informed me Thursday that he is withdrawing from college and will lose his insurance coverage.
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Old 12-13-2010, 04:39 PM
  # 36 (permalink)  
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sandstone..if you repost this as a new thread you will get more responses..just go 2 the bottom of the substance f/f forum main page and at the bottom it says new thread..do you go to alanon or naranon..that would be a good start as he is an adult, and you are right, you cannot force treatment.
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Old 12-13-2010, 05:53 PM
  # 37 (permalink)  
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keepinon. Thanks for the tip. Not sure how to repost but will give it a try. Been to alanon for years. My mom has been in recovery with AA for over 20 years. It's just harder this time because it is my child. I love my son but feel completely powerless.
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Old 12-14-2010, 09:25 AM
  # 38 (permalink)  
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it is hard to watch the slow suicide of our kids..been there..just knowing that I am powerless over the addiction has help[ed.That and not supporting it in any way..no bed, clothes,food,money,car rides etc. You can get out of the way of their bottom and let them feel the consequences..that can help shorten the bottom.
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