I can't stop crying
 

i don't know if my husband and I did the right thing.

My son, who is on probation for possession of marijuana, has been behaving badly. He leaves the house late at night and doesn't come home until 3 or 4 (if at all). He leaves on Friday and doesn't show up for 2 or 3 days. We just found out he has not been attending college like he said - now has F's in classes. He was leaving the house like he was going to class but going somewhere else.

He's supposed to be clean of drugs and alcohol but the other day his coat smelled like pot. Last night, my husband asked him to take a drug test and he refused. Finally he yelled that he was taking drugs everyday right under our noses.

My husband said he had to go to a treatment center right then. My son screamed that we were "F&%$ing him up" because we were now going to screw up his chances of appealing his guilty plea for possession. (He was going to try to have it converted to a probation before judgement so it could be expunged in 3 years).

We took him to a treatment center and he checked in. He didn't exactly do this voluntarily (he's 18 but he lives at home but we basically told him he had to go).

I don't know if we did the right thing? Someone on the chat group said they didn't think pot was really something to go to rehab for. But our son's life is a mess right now...

Still, should we have just gave him a choice - rehab, police or leave? We kind of made the choice for him?? He hates us and I can't stop crying.

He doesn't hate you. Those are just words. They are meaningless.

You also can't control your sons behavior. You can only control what kind of behavior you will allow in your house.

What exactly is considered acceptable behavior in your house? What are the rules in your house? The rules for EVERYONE. Not just your son. And what are the consequences if someone violates the house rules?

Right now you don't really have any consequences assigned to your boundaries and rules. And that's a really uncomfortable place to be in because that means your rules are pretty much unenforceable.

Maybe you and your husband should talk to a family counselor so you can figure out an action plan for regaining the control over your household.

Your son is an adult. If he can't follow the rules, perhaps its time for him to face the real world. Otherwise, you may end up with a 40 year old drug addict living under your roof...

I started my drug use as a teen. The order of my drug abuse goes as follows: Pot, alcohol (at the time, you could drink at 18), hash, perscription drugs, mushrooms, LSD, speed.

By the time I was 30, I had quit everything but the alcohol. That's a 12-year hole down which I threw my life.

I'm not saying that pot is a gateway drug, but his rebellion might be a sign that he's willing to try things that aren't good for him. And yes, pot might not be a drug worthy or rehab, in the sense of kicking an addiction-type-rehab. But I wish I had been given the tools to deal with the issues I had at 18...tools that rehab might provide your son.

You are doing the right thing for your son, just don't expect him to appreciate it for a while. Good luck.

I'm not sure if Pot is exactly something to go to rehab for, but I do know that my son started out 'just' smoking pot, experimented with other drugs until he found the magical "Oxycotin" and then when that got to be too expensive..on to heroin...his life has been a mess since he was 18 and he will be 26 soon.

I think if you 'let it go' and don't put your foot down now about him doing drugs while living in your home, you just may end up with a 26 year old 'hard' drug addict on your hands in the future.

It's the right thing if it's the thing that you and your husband need to be comfortable in your home and it's your right to refuse to let him live at home while disrespecting your rules. It may hurt now, but at least you gave him the choice of treatment or out. You did the right thing in my opinion.

((Vandawglier))

First, my friend - please take a deep breath and realize you are among friends -

I hate so much that you and your husband are going thru this - but glad you have found us - you will find if you hang out here - there are many of us here that have been thru similiar situations with our sons, daughters, husbands, wives, parents, siblings, etc.

We love or have loved these people but have reached the point where we know we cannot help them - they need help from outside sources - we are too close to help them with their addiction.

I also have learned that I NEEDED help. I needed to learn how to love them in a healthy way - to not enable, to not allow them to PUSH my buttons, to love them enough to allow them to find their own way - to give them the respect and dignity to be adults and to seek recovery.

It's not easy, but with the help of my SR family - I am better, healthier and sane.

I encourage you to continue to keep reading, posting and seeking help for you!

PINK HUGS,
Rita

He's 18 and a legal adult, you didn't make him do anything. He's free to walk out of rehab if that's what he wants. I strongly suspect the only reason he willingly went to rehab is because he doesn't know what he wants. He allowed you to steer his direction because he has none and knows it.

Please find a meeting/therapist and remember "pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."

I think he is also drinking - and binge drinking where they drink liquor straight out of a bottle. My husband knew someone in college who died after drinking the better part of a bottle of tequila.

But it's the downward spiral he's in. We think he's doing okay (for all of about 2 weeks) then it seems like something happens and there's a drastic change for the worse. He's not following what he's supposed to for his probation. He's not attending the number of meetings he's supposed to. He's still hanging around with kids who do drugs. He's sleeping all day and staying out all night. He's just using us to try and tell his probation officer that he's at home with his parents.

There's no sign of a positive move - it's the opposite. Further and further into the hole.

Personally, I don't think it's the drug that should dictate whether rehab is needed but the behavior associated with the use of the drug. Some people need to go to rehab for alcohol even though it is a legal substance.

I know this is not something that is widely accepted but my personal belief now is that the use of drug in itself isn't the disease but more of a symptom/manifestation of more complex personality disorder.

My point being, the drug used doesn't matter. If the person displays the behaviors of an addict then it is addiction. If it quacks like a duck, then it's a duck...

Some wise person on here said that the reason we cry so much, is because we are in mourning. We mourn the disappearance of the child we knew, we mourn the dreams we shared with them for their future. It is really hard.

I think it is a good thing that you gave him a choice and he is in rehab. We need to do what we can until there is nothing left to do.

But that's the problem - we didn't really give him a choice. My husband basically said - you're going.

So, it's not like this was an "I need help" moment from him. So it might be that all we've done is humiliated him, infuriated him.

I could hope for a miracle but I doubt that will happen. He's 18 so he can check himself out of there if he wants. the don't even have to tell us if he does - he could leave and just go somewhere else. Last night, he wouldn't talk to us after speaking with the doctor. The "plan" was he would meet with a doctor and we would sit down as a family and discuss options, recommendations and a plan. they told us just to go home. He didn't want us there.

So did we do the right thing? Maybe we're so far out of line that he'll get out and graduate from pot to heroin just to show us he's in charge.

Whatever he decides to do is not your fault. You gave him the opportunity to get help. If he chooses not to take that opportunity, that's on him, not on you, and he won't be making that decision because of anything you have done.

Quit beating yourself up. You didn't do anything wrong. You gave him an opportunity. What he chooses to do with that is his own business.

yes - that is the hardest. Letting go of the dreams. I just can't believe it's become such a nightmare.

Can I have my little boy back - or at least my 16 year old back? I promise I'll do things differently next time. I'll be more careful, more watchful.

My daughter said she called the hospital and talked to him for a minute.. She says he's so pissed off that he wouldn't even talk to her and if his father or I had called he would have told us to F off.

TELL ME WE DID THE RIGHT THING?!!

You did the right thing!!!

What were your alternatives?? You could have done nothing and allowed the situation to continue. You could have kicked him out of the house. You chose to give him an opportunity to get help. WHAT ELSE COULD YOU HAVE DONE??

You did the right thing. What other options did you have?

Should you have done what I did? I gave my son a place to stay and employment for most of the time, only to find out he became a drug dealer at 24.

Oh my, what would I have given for a husband like yours who knows that he did the right thing. He merely asked your son to man up. I wish you could be on board with him on this. That would really send a strong message to your boy (and he is acting like one and you are treating him like one) that the behavior he demonstrated in your home is DONE as far as your home is concerned.

Have you sat down with your husband and asked him what would be the next step if this boy asserts his rebelliousness and continues to embrace these behaviors?

Your boy is just at rehab. There are many of us here who have our sons/daughters living on the streets yet in complete denial that they have a problem, or being enabled by the next "good-hearted, good-intentioned person," or have not heard from them in months or years. Your boy is merely in rehab. As much as you are grieving right now, please put that in perspective.

Have you considered Alanon or Naranon meetings. These face-to-face meetings can really help you get through this emotional time as well as coming here. I know that you are traumatized right now, and I know my post is a little harsh. But there really is a wealth of wisdom, experience, strength, and hope here.

And Yes, you (or it sounds more like your husband) absolutely did the right thing. The next right thing is discussing with your husband about the next steps because this is not over with.

Your son had a choice and he went along with yours. Think about that for a minute. I posted in your other thread that your son has no direction, he knows it on some level, and that's why he's following yours. He's letting you lead him albeit kicking and screaming.

I read this here when I first came to the site, I hope it brings you some comfort, too:

"I love you enough to let you hate me."

Agreed. Unless you tied him up, threw him in the car and took him there, he chose to go. As long as he stays, he's choosing to stay. If he chooses to leave, he is then, too, making his own choice. Again, stop beating up on yourself. He has been given a gift and you gave it to him.