(((((Vandawglier))))
I used to be a moderator on this site until I ran out of the appropriate time to come here and do what needed to be done. That is the time I stepped down for a while so someone else could be more effective. I have an addict daughter, when I first came here, she was only 21 at the time; she is now 29, nearly 30.
In that time, she had our granddaughter in 2005, who is a sweet, caring and delightful child. For nearly 3 ½ years, our AD was trying very hard to make a life for herself and her daughter and we were all, including her younger sister (not an addict), were all working on rebuilding a family relationship. This is what I concentrated on and why I have up any extra things I was doing so I would not be distracted. For the first time since our AD was 15 and turned from Dr. Jeckyl to Mr. Hyde, we, the parents, had HOPE. It took a long time but we were working to solidly build back trust. My elation grew from the fact that I finally did trust my daughter to be a mother to her own offspring. That was truly a blessing for me. I had such hope that her daughter’s life and needs were going to save her, give her purpose and we continually expressed how proud we were of her stepping up to the plate and taking on the responsibilities. We had wonderful talks about how she “messed up” and told us that she always knew where she stood with us; she was glad we established boundaries and would not allow her to cross certain lines in our home, not because we didn’t love her but because we did and we expected more from her than what others did. Her drugs of choice were weed, crack and a some anti-depressant pills.
She gave us a little insight into how she could not control what she did and that she did not do or say the things she did in active addiction to hurt us but ultimately, to manipulate and control us. Once we stopped and no longer had a front row seat to her behavior, she knew she had to reach elsewhere. She couldn’t stop the behavior and it made no difference if she was in our home, in touch with us or anything; as long as she did drugs, the more she wanted them and the more out of control her life became.
Once her daughter was born, she made a decision to take control of her life so she could have a life with the thing she always wanted more than life itself – a little girl! As I said, this continued for about 3 ½ years or so but the end of last year, she met a man (I choke when I used that name for him), who, she claimed, was an recovering addict from prescription drugs. He moved in with her and from that time on, their lives took a nosedive. It isn’t his fault; she made the choice herself but they were like poison to each other and thing spiraled down so far that after working at one place for 8 years as a very dependable and hard worker, she was fired for stealing (they pressed charges), she robbed another place, lost her apt with the ABF, all the furniture she worked so hard to buy herself through a rental place to help build her credit; pawned her car to a title co, was living in that car with ABF and my granddaughter.
They each have 2 arrest warrants on them, and they have been missing for over a month. My husband and I have legal items in place to take custody of grandbaby but we don’t know where they are. They have fallen so far and so deep that they are on the run but it kills me that she didn’t bring grandbaby to us to take care of. That is because she is so selfish and self-focused that what SHE wants takes preference over what is good for her child. THIS is what active addiction does!
We worry so much about the child but because of the tools we have, what I have learned from f2f meetings, talking to others and this site, we are in good mental and physical shape to help our grandbaby. We did not allow our daughter’s addiction to ruin our lives. I gave her her life, along with the choices to live it, and I took back mine, as did Mr. Marteen and younger, sober daughter.
It sure wasn’t easy but it sure was necessary. Please, I urge you to read the sticky above that I wrote in 2006. It might help you to realize that you are not alone and you are not responsible. THAT is the hardest thing to come to grips with. You will also read what my youngest daughter said to me about spending so much time with my AD.
You sound like you are heading in the right direction. My AD had so much promise for the future but she threw it away – HER choice for HER life. Now she is trying to throw away the life of her child and taking away her choices; it stops there with us. And we are recovered from our codependence, guilt, fear and sadness to be able to step up to the plate when it is really needed.
Please continue to help yourself so you can be in a position to welcome your AS if he decides to come back. Sorry this was so long but I remember that when someone wrote something at first that I could related to, I was so grateful and ate it up. I can understand what you are going through and this is a very scary and lonely time for you but it does get better as long as you continue moving forward and concentrating on not allowing the addict behavior to control you or your life.
Hugs,
Marteen
