Trying hard to not control

Old 09-06-2008, 09:41 PM
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Trying hard to not control

Okay friends, need a little bit of your wisdom here. RAD has 103 days clean and she is working, going to meetings, seeing an addiction counselor, being respectful and, for the most part, nice to be around. The problem is the ex-abf is back in the picture. He is supposedly clean, he has his daughters back and is living back in our town. Megan has seen him several times, went to a Tigers game with him and his daughters on Thursday. I am having a real problem with acceptance here. When she went to rehab she made us a promise that she was done with him. If I had known she would see him again, I probably would not have let her come back home. I know that I need to leave this up to her and God, but every time she tells me she is seeing him I feel such anger. Any suggestions on how to deal with my feelings on this? It is starting to affect my feelings for her. Marle
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Old 09-06-2008, 09:52 PM
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I suspect that your "feelings" are born of anxiety, maybe fear that his influence will undo all the good. I can sure understand those feelings. After all you have been through, my only suggestion I could give would be maybe do a refresher on the 12 steps. I have to do that every now and then just to remind myself, HP is in control.

I'm also saying prayers for your daughter, she has come such a long way, and for you Marle, you deserve peace and happiness and most of all serenity.

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Old 09-06-2008, 10:52 PM
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I'm with frankly and your daughter (and all your family) are in my prayers..... to my suggestion (sic); it may seem strange; 'out-there' so to speak, but what the it is.... (o:

I know you're praying for you daughter, but, perhaps you may want to add a special prayer (and prayer time) for her, and this relationship (or whatever it may be), and you might want to add some prayer time for this fella....this ex-abf....too.....and for underswtanding/acceptance for whatever God's will is in all this..... (o:

Well, I said it was kinda out-there, didn't Here's for prayers all around for everybody.............. (o:

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Old 09-06-2008, 11:53 PM
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NoelleR, I don't think it's out there at all. It's what finally freed me from the anger towards my RAD's ex-abf. He's out of jail now and they see each other at our local NA meetings all the time. I still won't allow him here at my home or to call my house. I need time to get to know him before that happens and it will be away from here, if at all. Everything I know about him has been as an addict, not someone in recovery. He'll have to earn it this time around.

Hugs to you marle, I know how much it hurts.
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Old 09-07-2008, 12:27 AM
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I was hoping EX BF would fade away into the past again.
I think I shared this once before with you, but I think its even harder for me to let go and stop trying to control when my son is in a better place and is showing signs of better choices. When I see that light ahead, and my hopes are back, anything that gets in the way becomes a worry all over again, and that control urge starts acting up.
I think some of it is that because my son is a bit healthier these days, he lets me in more, so I stick my hand in there again occasionally.
As for the Ex BF, I believe when someone has hurt your child and your family like that, just because she has forgiven and forgotten doesn't mean you have to. You don't have to invite him into your life, so do what you need, to keep your boundaries. you can take all the time you need for him to prove he's in true recovery.
But try to keep your relationship with your daughter about you two and keep him out of it. Keep praying that she'll do what's best for her. If she can change so can he. So if she's going to let him back into her life, pray he is on a better path too. God has a plan here somewhere!
Prayers for you!
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Old 09-07-2008, 06:22 AM
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Rest peacefully Sonny Boy
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Just to add here Marle, maybe it will help, maybe not. I've had a whole lot of people hurt me pretty bad in my life, mostly family, some friends and some total strangers. When those people consume my thoughts, or strike anger in my heart, or even cause me fear, I tried lots of things to deal with it, to try to settle my thoughts and feelings, the only thing that ever helped me was to pray that the person offending me would find their HP.

Prayers for them didn't calm me down, but prayers that they find "HP" just gave me a feeling of calm. Even the very worst of the worst could be the best person in the world if they would only find their HP to guide them. Then everything else would fall into place as it should be.

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Old 09-07-2008, 06:35 AM
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Ugh, I know that sinking feeling when we see the same mistakes being repeated.

The thing is, maybe he has changed too or maybe she is wiser this time around and perhaps has some boundaries in place...or maybe not and she needs another shot at "the lesson". Sad part is, we don't get to know the answer to what tomorrow may bring.

So just for today, she is clean, she is doing well with her life, so grab the miracle and enjoy the moment. But you already know that, so maybe let's you and I just share our light and maybe a nice walk in the autumn air.

Hugs (and prayers for your daughter and her friend).
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Old 09-07-2008, 06:35 AM
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marle, I too suspect that the build up of feelings is based on fear, and can totally understand that. The association between him and drugs is all too concrete and you've expressed many times that if it wasn't for him and his supply, she may well have stayed clean.
Situations like this are the kind where I only feel some relief when I go back to step 1. Powerless over xabf and his relationship with Megan. I think it is a reasonable boundary to not want him at your home and if it helps, to not want Megan to talk about her time with him. Praying for him or as Frankly said, that he will find his HP, sounds like the best way to "control" the situation. Many hugs and prayers for you all.
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Old 09-07-2008, 06:38 AM
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Marle, I totaly undrstand your concern. Megan probably thinks it's ok to see him bc he's clean? I don't think she is trying to hurt you. Since they probably don't truley know each other since they were both high most of the time, hopefully they will see they aren't good for each other. But that will have to happen w Megan & her HP's time table What does her sponser say about this? Maybe leave it to Megan, her HP & her sponser?
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Old 09-07-2008, 07:01 AM
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Dear Marle, Of course you are anxious since she is seeing him again, it is only natural since he is the one she was using with. Unfortunately just like the drugs there is nothing really a mother can do about it. Maybe praying for him is not such a bad idea. You know when I was 18 & dating my ex,k my parents really disliked him ( with good reason ) My grandma was praying oneday & I asked her who was she praying for. She said Joe. I asked her why are you praying for him when everyone dislikes him so much. She said Diane he needs our prayers most of all. I never forgot that.
Maybe her prayers are the reason at 58 he got clean & sober. Even though our marriage was over many yrs ago I was happy to hear he cleaned up his act. I like to think my grandma's prayers are the reason.
Try to relax about it.
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Old 09-07-2008, 07:32 AM
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Gosh - I know that you must cringe with ice cold shards shooting through you each time you hear that he comes near. It strikes that chord in me too when I hear it because I can so easily associate my own fears. Even 3+ years later I feel it when hushand hass contact from/with someone from the "days". All I can tell you that I do is to breathe and then let go. You've stated your boundaries and basically, that's where it's left. The rest is out of the control of anyone but HP and them. When I feel like you have written here I take that fear sheet from the 4th step and write write write them all out. Each and everyone of them....what is affected if they happen. And I struggle in my lack of control as the fear is spiraling crazy wild with a life of it's own....I take a look at what "part of self" is failing me. I then can address any possibilities of actions that I can take. What is left over then is to say that fear prayer. For some reason, that process helps me to feel at least a little bit better. And when I feel like that I am grateful for any sort of better. Even turning it down a notch is a blessed relief.

Fear feels so out of control to me and at least that process helps me to slow down and grab hold of the rope that leads to the life raft. Sometimes those emotions and fears make me feel like I am drowning. More often than not, I'm usually drowning in a pool that is actually only 3 feet deep. If I "put my feet down" I find that I am actually not drowning at all.

Thinking about you and praying that HP will pay extra attention to them and you.
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Old 09-07-2008, 08:03 AM
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Thanks guys. I do feel better this morning. She saw him last night after work, but she was home at the time she told me she would be. We talked a bit and then went to bed. I have been open about my feelings about him. I have set boundaries. He must pick her up and drop her off. She is not allowed to drive my car to his place. I will not have contact with him and believe me she understands that part really well. I do pray for him because he has his daughters living with him again. Their mom now has a big drug problem and those girls have been handed back and forth too many times. His oldest is living with her stepfather because her dad has too many rules, so I think that ex-abf will get a little taste of his own medicine with that one. Also I realize that it could be Megan that relapses while he stays clean. We just never know what will happen. I was laying in bed last night and thinking about the year before Megan went to rehab and how I only saw her 3 times. I was thinking "How did I make it through that time" and then I remembered that I did it "One day at a time" and that helped me to realize that I can get through anything if I take it day by day. Hugs, Marle
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Old 09-07-2008, 08:26 AM
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I know this has to be hard. My dad still can't stand my XABF. I don't see him any more, but have gotten letters from him in jail (again). I told dad I totally understand his feelings, but the only time I hear from XABF is when he says he wants to get clean. I'm pretty sure it's quacking, but ya never know...writing him letters telling him what I've done can't hurt.

When I went to court, recently, I know dad was was the same town I used in. I made sure to call him as soon as I got out of court, told him I was going by my lawyer's office, then to an AA meeting, then called him again to tell him I was on my way home. I've got 18 months clean in 2 days, and my dad still has some of the old fears.

I keep telling him...look at what I'm doing..not who I'm talking to. Yes, it's a risk, but I work with several addicts...could get whatever I want, when I want it. Try to focus on what Megan is doing, because even though you don't like her seeing him, it sounds like she is doing exactly what she needs to for her recovery. She has grown a lot in the last 103 days, and she may be just trying to see if there even IS a "relationship" now that the dope is gone.

Hugs and prayers!

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Old 09-07-2008, 10:12 AM
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I know you know everything I'm going to say, but I'm going to say it anyway...

I know when my AD left our home, headed back to the ABF and a bad situation, it was out of my control. Now the difference is I did not have a front row seat to all of it like you are having. I NEVER do good with a front row seat.

So when my AD made the choice to put this guy back in her life, I had to REALLY step up my program and get the focus back on me. It was so easy for me to obsess about what might happen. I had to dig deep and remind myself that her HP had her right where she needed to be and I couldn't do a thing about it. Anger only ate me up. I did set some boundaries like you have done and then I tried to let it go. Spent a lot of time with my HP, asking for strength and to help me quit with the "what if's".

About 2 months back into the relationship, she called and said, "I have to get away." I had done nothing, Marle, NOTHING except pray and let her go. I did use a lot of that Al Anon, "Oh.......oh....oh, okay....oh, that's nice....oh?...oh....", the "neutral, I'm not about to say anything to cause a fight" oh when she would call. What good would it have done? None. So I kept as quiet as I could. It was in her and her HP's timing that she came to the decision that she wanted more for her life.

Now that I look back on it I know the best thing was to get the focus back on me and let her do her thing. And when the feelings of anger & fear cropped up, I would pick up the phone and call a recovery friend, get online here and/or stop and pray and ask my HP to get my thoughts back on me. It's taken years of practicing my recovery to jerk my thinking back in line, but I'm so thankful I've been taught how to do that using my 12 step program.

Like I said, nothing you haven't heard. But if you're like me, sometimes someone just needs to tell me something one more time... .

Hugs and prayers. I think your recovery is shining.

Hangin' In
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Old 09-08-2008, 12:46 PM
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Hey, Marle
Tell Megan congrats!

I would feel the same way, normal mother feelings to me. I think you are doing great, I would have relapsed myself BIG TIME!

We didn't stop trusting them or hating their friends over night, their behavior caused this. It will take a long time to get those things back. As far as the RABF, I am glad he is sober as Kasey reminded me that noone should live like that.

Prayers Megan continues the road SHE chose, and see's that she needs to change not only the playground but the playmates!

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Old 09-08-2008, 02:53 PM
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Big Mom hugs for you.
Being a mom is so difficult.
On one hand you must be soo proud of Megan, and on the other hand, so worried about her sobriety.....

Just put those two hands together.... and pray.
Megan's HP will guide her.

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Old 09-08-2008, 05:55 PM
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marle, strangely enough I don't think about relapse when I think of the ex-abf. I figure if she's going to, it doesn't really matter who is there. The anger I had to overcome was because of violence. It isn't how she was raised nor my husband and I. It was bad enough that she was engaging in the violence but to keep going back to it was too much. That was a lot to forgive and only made possible by the grace of God. Still, knowing that she's around him at meetings makes my skin crawl. That may never change and only time will tell.
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