Troubledone

My addicted niece is in jail again. She's been in this time for 30 days awaiting the judge's decision (this Wendesday) about what will happen to her.

(for those who don't know the story - niece on meth, used and sold, has one first degree and one second degree felony possession. Was given probation, a little time on work release, treatment and counseling - and a year later she gets pulled over for fleeing an officer and we find she never stopped using or selling - even while on court supervision)

Her p.o. tells me she will get at least 8 months in the workhouse (staight time), and extensive supervision, treatment, counseling, etc. after that.

She hasn't had time for family in the past - doesn't call, doesn't honor commitments, etc. Occassionally she would stop by my place to visit, but usually because she needed something. So now that she's in jail, she's everybody's friend. She's calling me, her mom, all her aunts in another state, old boyfriends, the lot. I know this because they call me to find out what is up.

When she calls from jail, it costs everyone money becuase she has to call collect. I've taken a few of her calls, but every time I talk with her, I feel depressed. Her old boyfriend refused the call and some of my family doesn't pick up anymore because it is very expensive to call collect from jail long distance.

In the begining she was talking very crazy (thought my dead father was in the car with her, etc.). Now she's a bit more coherent, but she thinks the lawyer her meth-addicted boyfriend got her is going to get her out of both this problem and get her felonies erased (there is no way that will happen, I think she's just trying to convince herself of it to avoid reality).

So, Here's my question. Is it enabling to talk to her from jail? Part of me feels bad that she's in there - actually, I'm shocked, devastated and heart-broken about it. Another part of me thinks that if she can't reach anyone, she'll have to sit in jail and think about what she's done.

Last time she was in jail, I visited, put money on her "books" (thats putting money in an account so she can get magazines, candy bars, etc. while in there). This time, I'm not doing any of that. I decided it wasn't worth it to give up my yoga classes (they conflict with visiting hours) or waste my time standing in line for hours to see her for 15 minutes. I do feel a little bad about not visiting her... so I've been taking her calls so far. At the same time, all the calls are just about her rambling on about a million things, most of which have to do with minimizing the likely consequences she's facing.

Any perspective anyone has to offer would be greatly appreciated.

thanks...

Live

Those calls are expensive.

With our stepson, we requested letters instead. She ought to have plenty of time to write you, eh?

lisa1235

writing sounds like the way to go..cards r nice..i had been on drugs 18 yrs.i had a record a mile long.i've went back to school and been living right .i go to n/a &a/a.they saved my life.when people are on drugs they're sick.i'd try sending her some literature and see if theres a drug program she can do..she needs that more than jail.sometimes it takes more reaching 2 really reach someone.i know its fustrating but you seem like you care about her or you wouldnt wonder what you should do..hugs wish u luck..you could save her life.:praying

marle

My daughter has been clean for 103 days and yet there are times when all I see and hear are addict behaviors. Those are the days that I just stay quiet and tune her out. But it still bothers me to a certain extent. So I guess what I am saying is that your niece is still talking the addict talk and it will probably take quite a while until her head really clears and she is ready to face the consequences for what she has done. If her calls leave you feeling exhausted then it may be better to only take them once in a while. But you have to do what you feel is right for you. I know when my daughter went to rehab we were told that the addict in recovery really needs to know that someone is out there that still cares and supports them. Hugs, Marle

Spiritual Seeker

If the expense of the calls is an issue, you can certainly put boundaries in place.
Perhaps telling her you will only take a call once every two weeks and only for 5 min.

Keeping a relationship with her may lead her to listen to your advice when she get released.

Done_With_It

JMO, but I think you are going to have to learn to take care of you
one of these days. When you are happy inside a phone call from
her won't necessarily leave you feeling depressed.
I know how lame that sounds, my Mom and I were very co-dependent
for a long long time, but eventually you have to learn how to be
happy no matter what is going on in the other ones life.

I do wonder what is it going to take for you to be happy or not
depressed? She is in a better place now than she was before,
in many ways that is great news. There is that fine line of being
enmeshed with someone and when you talk to them it feels
like you can't help but feel depressed. But enmeshment with
someone we love who is in trouble leaves us in trouble much
of the time.

She is a sick girl and she is going to be for awhile, until her
brain can get some time to heal, so it's going to be normal for
her to possibly talk crazy or not right, or be moody. That is just
where she is. But that is her.
You have done all but move the earth for her, and I do honestly
believe she knows you are there for her. She knows you love her.

I don't know if I am making sense or not, I just see alot of you
two in how my Mom and I used to be. My eating disorder
controlled a lot of how she felt or how our relationship was,
until we learned different, and/or her drinking controlled how
I felt.

I think you need to take care of you and put you first. Do what you feel comfortable with without guilt being the reason.

Just my opinion, could be wrong.
Take care of you.... :ghug3

Freedom1990

Unfortunately I know too well how expensive those collect calls from jail are.

My oldest AD has been in jail numerous times. She thinks it's a joke.

I no longer accept the collect calls, nor do I put money on the books for her.

Those collect calls were always demands to contact her attorney or the bailbonds man, or get her stuff into storage, yada yada yada.

I love her, but I don't approve of her lifestyle/choices.

It wasn't until she almost sucked me dry that I finally completely let go and turned her over to God.

I sleep well at night knowing God has a plan for her just as he has for me, and I am going to stay out of his way.

Impurrfect

My dad took a couple of collect calls from me when I was in jail, but then said "no more" because of the cost. I got really good at writing letters.

I know you feel bad for her, because you love her. It sounds, though, that she is still thinking "everything's going to be just fine" and isn't dealing with reality yet.

I promise you, if you don't accept her collect calls, she will be okay...maybe better than okay because she'll have more time to face her present reality.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

MsPINKAcres

I too made the choice to not accept collect calls from our AD while in jail.

I did write letters, send copies of readings, pictures of her children and the family (with the families permission) and did deposit money in her account. The money was a set amount, on a monthly basis, about the same amount that I helped our other daughters - not a lot and I went to visit her once.

When she was released and then re-arrested less than a month later - I didn't give any money this time - I felt uncomfortable doing it. I sent the money to her children.

May suggestion to anyone dealing with a loved one incarcerated is to look at what YOU can do that is healthy for YOU. What choices can you make that will not feed resentments, anger, hurt, and expectations? Recovery is about doing what is best for ourselves.

In the end that is what is best for everyone.

Just my e, s, & h.

Wishing you the best,
Rita

riaerif

I don't know if I have anything of value to add. I can only tell you how I deal with the addict in my life. If I'm working harder than she is, it's not okay. If helping her or giving her what she wants has a negative effect on me or puts me out in any way, then I don't do it. If I do, it's my choice to take on the consequences that come with it.

I hope your niece makes a healthy recovery with or without your help. I like the idea of writing. It seems to be an easier way to take or leave things and to be able to look at what she's saying objectively without reacting to her words and saying something you might regret.

Troubledone

Thanks to EVERYONE for such great insight.

She called today making some demands that I knew weren't good. When I said I wasn't willing to do what she wanted, especially if she wasn't willing to answer my questions, of course she went ballistic.

This also gave me clarity - she's nice when she's buttering me up and hateful when I won't do what she wants. It made me realize that I am sad for her when she's being nice and angry when she's being hateful - and that there is probably a better place for me to be - like detachment. That way I do what is right without falling into the trap of responding out of emotion.

Thanks also for the feedback about not taking calls, writing and putting money on the books. I feel really solid that I don't want to take any more calls, but I will write and answer letters. It's just a whole lot easier on me. I also exhausted myself before visiting her and putting money on her books, but this time I really think its important that I not do those things.

Her hearing is Wednesday - please pray that whatever happens, her HP puts her in a place where she can't do drugs so her brain can heal - and also gives her the insight to realize what the drugs have really done to her and her life.

Thanks everyone for taking the time to respond. It really means a lot to me.

littlebird77

i agree with some of the comments regarding letters.

greeteachday

I think you have made some good choices regarding what feels comfortable for you. My daughter was in jail for 2 months but it was after she found recovery and was working a program. I did visit; I did write and we set boundaries about how often to take calls so we talked once or twice a week. But I can say that all of this made me feel good - I looked foward to the calls, letters and visits. Big reason for that...she was grateful. That was something that it took recovery for her to find. She truly was grateful for any communication; the letters she sent were filled with hope and love, and she accepted the consequences probably better than I did at the time. Yes she would feel down sometimes; I can't imagine not feeling that way in such surroundings, but she had lost that sense of entitlement...To me it makes all the difference.

Had she not found recovery, I imagine I would have struggled the way you have been. I hope I would have had enough recovery to know that I needed to do what was good for me, not to be completely codependent.

Prayers for your niece and prayers for peace and serenity for you.