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more than just the drugs

Old 08-17-2007, 01:29 PM
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more than just the drugs

It is just so much more than just the drugs. I found viagra in my husbands suitcase that he left in our rental house where he was staying when we where seperated.
The last time i found viagra he was having a "relationship" of some sort with his secretary.
I also found some detox kits that one would take when you are trying to detox yourself before taking a drug test.
I am dealing with a man that seems to just want what he wants and doesnt seem to have any conscious or any integrity whatsoever.
I cant connot front him on either thing i found because of the way he reacts when i do confront him, and it gets me no where.. he will just lie, and lie to me and make something up.
who is this man i am married to? right now, i have no idea who he is. I am just keeping the peace in the house for my girls sakes...
but the more i see, the more i just dont like him..i am hopnig one day to be strong enough not to care what happens to me,,,,to just be able to say IM DONE--and walk away without ever looking back....
I pray to go for the strength to do that.....someday ill get there.
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Old 08-17-2007, 02:00 PM
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You need to focus on being strong enough to care what happens to you and your girls. Your future without him holds a lot of possibilities. Your furture with him doesn't hold much but heartache for your family.
We're all here for you. I know I think about you and send up prayers for you every day. You'll get there ... keep the faith.
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Old 08-17-2007, 02:05 PM
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I am sorry drained. Is there any way to get more evidence of the possible cheating?
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Old 08-17-2007, 02:11 PM
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I hear some changes, DW.... the focus is started to shift to where it needs to be - back on YOU, and your GIRLS.



Keep paddlin'.


((hugs))
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Old 08-17-2007, 02:16 PM
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please be careful if you are still intimate with him, as you NEVER know what or who someone will stoop to when high. Hugs and prayers for you and your girls!!
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Old 08-17-2007, 02:35 PM
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Drained,
Sorry about this, but glad to see you are now dealing with you more than him. You are getting stronger than you think. I see a big difference in you already. You will get to the point that you will make up your mind and just do whatever it is you want to do.
Keeping you and your girls in my prayers. I am always here for you
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Old 08-17-2007, 02:42 PM
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I agree with codependent1...use protection everytime, every minute and get tested! It only takes once..
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Old 08-17-2007, 03:50 PM
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the proof i have is the viagra--cause he sure wasnt using it with me!! there are 4 pills missing from the package, and it was ordered mid-July when we were seperated.

also, i only saw one 2 minute phone call to his ex-sec's work on a saturday from his cell phone.
last time he had purchased a 2nd cell, and was using that i beleive to contact her.
I dont know if at the present he is still talking to her or not...and i dont know how to catch him, but im just going to keep my eyes open and dont lead on that i am suspicious. last time i elt him know too soon that i knew waht was going on and so he covered his tracks.

But, what is the viagra for?? last time he was on oxycontin, and i know oxycontin dimishes sex drive..but cocaine and sex, i thought , go hand in hand....

Who knows.........

if anyone has any ideas as to how i can get more proof, id love tohear...he uses his laptop which is password protected so i cant get on it..he also takes it to work with him, which shows to me, that he is hiding something....
i just may hire a private eye, if i get more suspicious that things are going on... that will give me the proof and hopefully be worth the money.....

thanks for listening.....

oh--also, i am goign to try to start going to some self esteem support groups, if i can...they start in september....
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Old 08-17-2007, 04:05 PM
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I am so sorry - I just posted last night about what I am going thru again. RAH found a receipt that he had dinner with someone and a hotel room key. I called the hotel and the room was in his name.

I have felt like something has been weird for a week and try and talk to him about it.

My husband sounds just like yours does, all he does is get mean and nasty instead of reassuring especially because of what I have gone thru in the past.

I don't know what I am going to do with the info. He also uses only his lap top, and tells me he only has a work cell phone - I don't beleive that. I am keeping my eyes open, but it is just a sick feeling of what I have been thru and don't want to do again.

I am actually thinking of getting a PI - I need the proof, I just can't understand if he wants to go - I have told him go. Why lie to me?
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Old 08-17-2007, 04:42 PM
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you are in the beginning of growth. keep the focus on you & your girls. protect yourself, as they said it only takes one time. prayers,
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Old 08-17-2007, 05:21 PM
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Many times coke, viagra and hookers go hand in hand.

If he wasn't using the viagra with you, he was using it with someone else.

I am sorry, but this is all part and parcel of the disease called addiction.
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Old 08-17-2007, 07:01 PM
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What dolly Said.
I am sorry for your pain. I sometimes revert to anger.. real cold anger that is not good for me, when I think of Steve and his cheating.. and he has been gone for months now.

The drugs were enough for me to be done but the cheating does something inside you.. like you aren't good enough or something (not that being good enough for a drug addict should be a goal).

It is just the VIOLATION of being cheated on.

I know all about it now and I have to tell you that knowledge doesn't give you peace.
In your case, proof of his cheating would be adequate grounds for divorce perhaps? It used to be the ONLY grounds in NY.

I never knew who Steve was. Never will. He is a drug addict and he likes his drugs too much.
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Old 08-17-2007, 07:12 PM
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Originally Posted by drainedwife View Post
I cant confront him on either thing i found because of the way he reacts when i do confront him, and it gets me no where.. he will just lie, and lie to me and make something up..
dw,
when I finally realized this very thing, it was the beginning of my recovery. It allowed me to REALLY start detaching from his madness when I had to accept the fact that it just did not matter what I said or did.

If I did all the things he said that I needed to do so he would stop using, he still used, and denied it.

If I didn't do all the things he said I needed to do, he used and blamed me for not 'treating him right'.

One day at a time......still praying for you!

(((hugs)))
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Old 08-17-2007, 07:25 PM
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Originally Posted by drainedwife View Post
if anyone has any ideas as to how i can get more proof, id love to hear...
i just may hire a private eye, if i get more suspicious that things are going on... that will give me the proof and hopefully be worth the money.....
If I may, I would just caution you to look at your motivation for wanting proof. Do you want to prove something to him, or do you want proof for legal reasons? There is a BIG difference here in what it will do to your state of mind and your recovery.

If it is to somehow prove to him that he is lying, you are wasting your time and energy. Because trust me, you can't. He will deny it no matter what and it will make you crazy. If you just want proof to try and make him own up to what he has done, my advice is forget about it and just start living your own life.

If it is for your protection in legal proceedings, I would say go with the PI. It will be worth the money if it will stand up in court, and you won't be the one snooping. You will be able to work on yourself and let the PI work on getting some proof for you. I would imagine it is much more likely to stand up than just your word against his, especially since he is so good at this game.

Just a word from one who has walked this path before you....I drove myself to the brink of insanity trying to 'prove' to my ex that I was right about what I was saying.

It seems like you are in the process of realizing that you are truly powerless over his addiction. Don't let an obsession with getting some sort of proof send you spiraling back to the pit you are starting to climb out of. Life is too short......

(((hugs)))
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Old 08-17-2007, 07:29 PM
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Sorry, but I think drugs and cheating go hand in hand. The sorry AH druggie gets high and then wants the sex high. He got into buying & selling porno movies a few months back. I have hard a hard time about drugs-but learning to understand them. AH is out-period!!!! Cheating, mattress polo or whatever you call it-DRUGS OR NOT-not AN EXCUSE. No excuse for whoring around-NONE!!!!! Protection if you had relations-duh? I cannot believe anyone would even consider it-love or no love. Take care of yourself and your girls. Put your family together as best you can and kick him to the curb. Getting there as you said is a long hard struggle-somehow I am taking bigger baby steps-more of them each day. Anger, hate,what if-is slowly going-AH can do his "thing" trying not to worry about it. But, I still have the heart twinges-they soon will pass.
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Old 08-17-2007, 08:10 PM
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Hello Drainedwife

Finding Viagra doesn't shock me. In fact, nothing shocks me. Drugs and sex go hand and hand. It's just that way.

Believe me, you don't need to hire anyone to prove he is doing what he shouldn't be doing. Just know that he is and don't waste your money trying to prove anything. The fact that he is doing drugs is proof enough.

You can't even take this cheating personal because if he wasn't doing drugs he wouldn't be cheating on you. Drugs cause that too.

First things first and that is you and your children!

Prayers and strength coming your way!

Hugs, Devastated
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Old 08-17-2007, 08:30 PM
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Originally Posted by drainedwife View Post
i am hopnig one day to be strong enough not to care what happens to me,,,,to just be able to say IM DONE--and walk away without ever looking back....
I pray to go for the strength to do that.....someday ill get there.

With me, I found that living with the fear and chaos eventually wore me down to the point where I didn't care any more. I didn't hate him, I didn't love him, I felt nothing at all.

You will know when you're done. You won't have to guess or wonder if you are. So, until you're there, take care of yourself and plan for your future.
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Old 08-17-2007, 08:45 PM
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((((drainedwife))))

I am glad to hear that you are praying.
I will be praying for you too.
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Old 08-18-2007, 12:05 AM
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Just know you are not alone. Not wanting to confront him about these things because you know how he'll react, lie, turn it around on you. Typical - I know how you feel. Like Wascally said there comes a point where you don't hate him, you don't love him, you're just numb to it. I havent done anything yet to leave bcs like you I have a hard time figuring out how i'll do it financially alone. But I know I will, I have a plan, but as far as me and him I just don't react to anything anymore. He tries being nice and I don't give in so he tries being mean and I don't react and back and forth and still he DOES the same thing no matter what he SAYS. He still gets HIGH and continues to hurt his family.

What really made me change my attitude towards him was when I made a list of all the things he has said and done to hurt me over the years (a couple pgs long) and I realized how could I forgive him for these things. He got away with sooo much bcs he was on cok, I blamed the drug. I started to realize that he did those things to me whether he was on cok or not HE did those things and now I'm putting the blame where it belongs on him.
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Old 08-18-2007, 01:04 AM
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Are you talking to an addict or your spouse?

I must say up front that I am really a rookie here. My AS has a problem and is 8 months sober now and embracing his recovery. So my perspective may be overly rosy or naive.

The only thing I wanted to say is that when/if you address the issue, since confrontation is problematic, is to keep in mind if you can are you talking to your spouse/son/daughter/you name the person..........if they are in active addiction, that is a whole different and IMO a useless conversation.

My AS was the most thoughtful, philosophical, considerate person when he was high. Looking back, I now see that the times he was belligerent, hateful and borderline abusive towards me and my family is when he was jonesing (is that a dated term?!?!). He has now returned to me as a new person I get to know. Sober, but someone I haven't known for a few years. It is a change, but one I welcome.

The point I was trying to come to is does it make sense to confront an active addict? This came up in family group sessions while he was in rehab. There is a big difference between talking to a "drug" and talking to a person. I don't mean to make this controversial, so admins/mods please remove if that is the case or outcome.

If I had it all to do over again there are many things I would change, starting with recognizing my codie issues and stop putting my entire family's life on hold to focus on him. But that is hindsight and doesn't help me or anyone. I am just trying to live in the day as each day comes and set boundaries that keep me sane.... those that aren't dependent on his sobriety or lack thereof. But that is easy for me to say at the moment since he is sober, and this is a son I am talking about, not a spouse.

CRUD! It is midnight here and I have an early day tomorrow so I better go. Sorry for the rambling!

All the best,

CIM
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