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more than just the drugs

Old 08-18-2007, 01:52 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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All above me have said some powerful things. All I can add is to pay extra special attention to YOU and your girls. Be gentle with yourself.... keep the focus on you and your recovery. You're worth it.

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Old 08-18-2007, 03:16 AM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by duet_4-8 View Post
If it is to somehow prove to him that he is lying, you are wasting your time and energy. Because trust me, you can't. He will deny it no matter what and it will make you crazy.

..Just a word from one who has walked this path before you....I drove myself to the brink of insanity trying to 'prove' to my ex that I was right about what I was saying.
For what it is worth, a lot of us "codies" want to prove to the addict that he is lying.

I never did that. He was lying. I told him he was lying. Of course he denied it, but we BOTH knew that the denial was merely more lying.

When a person lies, they KNOW IT. When they DENY it they are simply the same little 5 year old child that was racing around the living room and knocked a lamp over and broke it. Admitting they broke it is enough trouble.. and admitting they broke it also means admitting to running around the living room which they were not supposed to do in the first place.

Addicts are little children in their reactions. They are doing drugs. They know that is wrong. They then go and do something else while on drugs (like cheat) or to get drugs (like steal). If they get caught they are in trobule for the transgression (cheating or stealing) and that will lead to the next revelation which is they are using illegal drugs and THAT may lead to the ULTIMATE revelatin and that is that they are addicts.

Lies are to keep up appearances. Proving to a liar that they are lying is a waste. They already KNOW they are lying.

So, that being said, if you want to prove to yourself that your Husband is cheating so you can divorce him, good for you and go for it. If you want to prove to yourself he is cheating so you can justify leaving him and that is how you gain the strength to do so, go for it.

If you are proving he is cheating just to confront him and attempt to make him feel bad you are wasting money you ought to be saving so you can leave, cover food when the addiction takes all the money or pay the electric when they come to turn it off because he used that money for drugs.
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Old 08-18-2007, 06:40 PM
  # 23 (permalink)  
the girl can't help it
 
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Originally Posted by devastated
You can't even take this cheating personal because if he wasn't doing drugs he wouldn't be cheating on you. Drugs cause that too.
I have to respectfully disagree with this one ((((dev)))). Drugs do not make someone into a cheater. They might lower standards and lower resistance but I do not believe it goes hand in hand.

I believe if someone cheats it is a whole other issue. I know many addicts and alcoholics who would never in a million years cheat on their S/O. It does seem that the people who use coke are more likely to also be cheaters though. I guess the coke helps them to feel good about what they are doing.
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Old 08-18-2007, 07:22 PM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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I agree with Splendra. While cheating may often be something that addicts do, plenty of people cheat who are not addicts, so I truly think the two are separate issues. No more words here though... just hugs and prayers.
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Old 08-20-2007, 11:35 AM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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Please don't pray that one day you will be strong enough NOT to care what happens to you but instead pray for strength right now that you DO CARE enough about what happens to you and your kids so you make healthy decision for all of you.

Protect yourself sexualy from this man and know that the peace you are attempting to keep for your girls sake is a false childhood they are growing up with. The pink elephant in the living room IS seen by everyone even though you think it's not, especialy the kids.
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Old 08-20-2007, 01:52 PM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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DW,
My prayers really go out to you. My exAH was cheating when he was using & then got clean & started to work the program. I became insane-I checked his cell daily, I asked 100 questions a day, I called to hire a PI to do a lie detector test. I became insane!!!! I tried to get over it, I tried to trust again, marriage counseling, etc. We ended our marriage 1 1/2 years ago and looking back it was the best decision I ever made. I could not live in a relationship that doesn't involve trust. Take your time, enjoy your children, go to meetings, build up the strength to continue or end your marriage. Addicts break us down & we allow it because it is a slow process. I lost my identity. I lost ME.

I found that reading the Codependents Twelve Steps & going to meetings my salvation to peace & serenity.

Peace & prayers to you & your children.
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