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My heart is breaking.

Old 03-15-2007, 02:41 PM
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Unhappy My heart is breaking.

Yesterday was a day from Hell.

I had court yesterday in two different counties, one at 9am and the other at 1pm. I had lined up a ride a few day previous so I wouldnt have to drive. I even called the night before to confirm my ride. 5 minutes before we are supposed to leave I get a phone call saying my ride had a family emergency and wont make it. I frantically call every friend I have which are very few with no luck. I even called the court to explain what was happening. It made no difference. There would be a warrent issued if I dont show my face in court. So I do what I swore not to do, drive. If I sat at home I would be arrested or if I get caught driving, I get arrested. I had a 50/50 chance of getting stopped versus staying home and an automatic warrent goes out. I drove. I prayed all the way to just make it there. I was hoping to find someone to drive me back but no luck. I get to court a few minutes past 9am. My lawyer isnt there yet. I call at 9:30 and they said she should be there already. They hung up and found out that she went to the wrong court(where I was supposed to be at 1pm). So I was relieved to know that I didnt have to drive to another county at least as she got the court date pushed to May. She gets to the court where I waited until 12pm and just had the case passed to June. My lawyer couldnt drive me home as she had other business. Again, I got in my truck and drove home once again praying so hard just to make it home. I made it with out incident. I was wiped out from the anxiety of driving.

A few hours later Paul comes home and I ask him to go get milk. The lady asked him how I did at court. I work at the gas station he went to. I had to stop for gas, so thats how she knew I was driving. He come home and just exploded. I was waiting for his head to turn on his shoulders all the way around. He couldnt believe how stupid I was. Maybe he was right, but I did what I thought I had to do. He wouldnt leave work to take me anyway. What it all boils down to is he is tired of my F*** ups and all the sh** Im going through. It doesnt never seem to stop. He told me to pack all my stuff seprate from his and the kids and I can find somewhere else to go.

For those who dont know We sold this house and are closing on it next Wednesday. I have until sunday to get all my stuff. Plus I have to go into jail where I still dont know what is to come of their stupid investigation of someone accusing me of bringing in pills.

Anyway, it was a miserable night. I slept alone on the couch, he took away my phone so I cant call anyone, and he wont let me use his computer when he is home since its his. I sat and cried till 2am this morning and had to work at 6am with my face all swollen and puffy from crying. To make matters worse he has custody of the kids and can make me pay child support on top of everything else I got going. I know he's under alot of stress right now too with selling the house and changing jobs, me not having a full time job, and all the stuff that Im dealing with affects him too. Im at the end of my rope but still hangin on. I come home and it looks as empty as I feel. My heart really hurts, and I cant take anymore.

So if I dont log in for awhile, its cause he is home and wont let me use the computer. Sorry for just dumping this here.
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Old 03-15-2007, 02:48 PM
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GwenMarie, my heart hurts for you, you have so much going on. Take it one moment at a time, hon. Sending BIG prayers your way that things will change and everything will turn out good for you.
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Old 03-15-2007, 02:50 PM
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Gwen, I dont know what to say really but that I am praying for you and sending you hugs. I hope everything works out... maybe when he calms down he would be able to see why you felt you needed to drive to court.

Hold on honey everything will work out!

Hugs,
Jewel
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Old 03-15-2007, 02:51 PM
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Was I wrong for driving? What would anyone of you had done? I know it was illegal but what could I have done?
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Old 03-15-2007, 02:53 PM
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Gwen, I am so sorry for all the probs you had. I don't know the whole story, but your words stuck out: "My heart really hurts and I can't take it anymore."
Been there so many times and the only thing that got me through was knowing that the universe or my HP never gives me anything that I am not capable of handling...even when I totally disagree :-)
Sending hugs and prayers your way...
Love, SM
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Old 03-15-2007, 02:53 PM
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Dump all you want...It's better to get it out.
You certainly are going through one thing after another.
I'm sorry that your going through such heartache and headaches to boot.
I don't mean sound so reasonable because hearing reason at this time can be a bit annoying but I do believe that things have to come to a head before everything balances out. I pray for serenity and sanity for you.
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Old 03-15-2007, 02:53 PM
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whatever you do, DON'T GIVE UP, this too shall pass. you did what you had to do. sorry that you are going through all of this, and i think that in spite of all of this, you are still showing great strength. maybe in time, you both can find healing and forgiveness as long as he see that you are walking the walk and not just talking the talk. sometimes, family members can't see whats in your heart, but you know and so does your hp. keeping you, your family and your marriage in my prayers.

sounds like your husband still looking to the past but he also sound concerned about your welfare too. have he gone to any meetings yet?
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Old 03-15-2007, 02:54 PM
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Honestly if I knew I didnt show up to court that I would have been arrested but if I drove then may be I would have a 50 50 chance of not getting arrested I think I would have driven as well. You know its so hard to say because I am not in the situation but I understand your thinking in this.

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Old 03-15-2007, 02:55 PM
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**In response....

I could see how you felt you were in a bind but maybe, if possible because I don't know how it is around your area, next time you ought to think about taking a taxi. I could say this because I'm in New York and taxi cabs are a dime a dozen.
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Old 03-15-2007, 02:56 PM
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Cupicake, I need all the reason I can get. Aparrently Im not getting it right, so maybe someone can see what I dont. At this point Im desperate to hear what someone else thinks. Im not looking for that he is wrong and Im right or vice versa. I just cant understand this.
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Old 03-15-2007, 02:56 PM
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Originally Posted by GwenMarie30 View Post
Was I wrong for driving? What would anyone of you had done? I know it was illegal but what could I have done?
I would have driven too....very, very carefully. I even let RAS drive after he got a ticket for his license being suspended, but knew the cop was wrong. He still has to go to court to fight it.
Ya gotta do what you gotta do. Plus it's over, so no harm done.
More hugs, SM
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Old 03-15-2007, 02:56 PM
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Oh gwenmarie, I'm so so sorry you're hurting. I wish I could comfort you. I understand why you drove - it's a catch 22, I know. At least nothing happened to make that worse.

He is obviously very angry and it may very well be legitimate, but taking the phone so you can't call anyone is too far no matter what. You didn't boil one of the children alive after all. You're not a murderer, rapist, robber, etc. You have a right to call someone if you want to try to find some comfort.

You are able to go to work. You are trying to meet your court obligations. Just do the best you can each day and you'll get through it. You seem like you're doing the basics - you obviously want to live
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Old 03-15-2007, 03:02 PM
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Teke,

He still looks at the past and cant get past it. He has kinda forgiven some. As far as my welfare that is what made him so mad in the first place I think. He knew what would happen if Im caught driving again. He cant believe I would take stupid chances. As far as meetings go, this has inconvienienced him enough and he isnt going to sit in some meeting he says. Absolutely will not.

Cupicake,
I live out in the sticks and the closest taxi service is an hour away. Same with buses or subways. In my town there is only a McDonalds, Walmart, and a few family owned business.
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Old 03-15-2007, 03:03 PM
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let it grow!
 
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hey gwen, i know it's hard. you have to make the decisions you can live with. at the same time, so does paul. but you can't control each other, you know that...

blessings, k
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Old 03-15-2007, 03:10 PM
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gwen.....what about a moped, or something like that? it may not be what you want, but it may be what would work for you until things get straightened up.
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Old 03-15-2007, 03:15 PM
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It may work if I lived in town. Do you have to have a license to operate it on the street? Plus I have 3 kids, the youngest being only two and requiring a car seat. The good thing is that if by the grace of God, I do end up working things out, I will be living close to family and much more of my friends. If it doesnt I will be living with my mom anyway.
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Old 03-15-2007, 03:28 PM
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Oh Gwen, I am so sorry you are hurting right now.I dont know the ways
in your state about scooters- alot of people here drive vespas in the summer.
I hope everying works out for you, I have a feeling it, I have a feeling you
will be just fine.
Hugs, Stef
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Old 03-15-2007, 03:35 PM
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Gwen... I don't think this is SO much about the driving (yeah, I would have done it, felt just like you do, and then maybe had a double back up the NEXT time).

I think this is more about a partner who sounds like a controlling anon without a program.

Separation may not only save your sanity... but your physical well-being, too.

So .... why does he get the kids? I would take them and let HIM fight for them (unless it starts freaking them out, then I would probably try to find an arbitrator, or other state or court official to help with with MY custody).

You are in my prayers girl. (((hugs)))
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Old 03-15-2007, 03:39 PM
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(((Gwen))) When it rains, it pours. Probably feels like that to you now. It sounds like Paul may be stressed to the max right now and you too. I know that I would overreact at times with my AD over things that I would have taken in stride if I had not felt so overwhelmed. Sending prayers that things will work out for you. Hugs, Marle P.S. I probably would have driven too if the choice was that or jail. Glad you made it there and back safely.
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Old 03-15-2007, 03:44 PM
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Hang in there Gwen. I can see both yourside and his side as well. Being in your possition I would have done the same thing. In jail for suspended license or for failure to appear, i am taking the chance. Although what if you got caught, what then? I am a believer that you can not worry about something that has not or will not happen. You made the only choice you felt you had and you got back unharmed or arrested. I think Paul is over reacting, awlfulizing the act you commited and seeing it as a intentional act that you commited despite the consequences, I disagree with him. If, in the past, you put him through half of what my xagf did, he is probably thinking now he has lost control of his household. Maybe he feels you don't listen or follow through with what the two of you discuss? Again I say, if it was myself I would be concerned that your ride dropped you and happy there is no other toruble as a result of your driving without a license. I would also say never again. I am sure you discussed this with him and you both agreed there would be no driving. In this case the circumstances may or may not have warranted the risk that you took but you got away with it and there is no penalty. It feels to me he is reacting due to your past and your actions and consequences to him. He probably is just loosing it to the chaos caused before and afterwards of your using. Actually I got really worn out working a job and doing the right thing only to have the XAGF continuously cause me pain in addcition chaos. It was for me as if I could not even get my head above water before the ex A was shoving it back under with her problems, chance taking and consequences. In your case I feel the circumstances are very diffrent but I think Paul is grouping all the bad together as a continuance of disregard for the law. Give him time but try and explain your thoughts and feelings of being overwhelmed and had to make a choice. All things workout in one way or another. Try not to be too hard on yourself, I would have done the same thing. Get a better backup plan or person to help for next time, 5 minutes is not enough time to replace a driver. Hang in there Gwen.
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