My heart is breaking.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Perhaps he'll have calmed down by now.
To be honest, I would have driven too....a warrent isn't my cup of tea.
With that said, you need to hand over the car keys, and, give up driving until this mess is straightened out...you don't need more trouble with the law.
I know you'll be ok, right now your life is out of balance....this will level off, it always does.
Hugs,
Dolly
To be honest, I would have driven too....a warrent isn't my cup of tea.
With that said, you need to hand over the car keys, and, give up driving until this mess is straightened out...you don't need more trouble with the law.
I know you'll be ok, right now your life is out of balance....this will level off, it always does.
Hugs,
Dolly
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Gwen, I am so sorry your are heartbroken and sending you hugs all the way from Canada.
Then, I alone will kick your butt for driving.
Taxi service? Expensive maybe but not as expensive as if you had been caught.
It's over now, and I hope you are feeling better soon.
Hugs
Then, I alone will kick your butt for driving.
Taxi service? Expensive maybe but not as expensive as if you had been caught.
It's over now, and I hope you are feeling better soon.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: From moment to moment, only God really knows
Posts: 35
I may be a "newbie," but I agree that your reaching out for support is such a good and healthy thing, as is turning to your HP in constant prayer.
Do you have the ability to connect via a meeting on a daily basis? I don't know the ins and outs of your situation, so forgive me if that info has already been shared. Anyhow, it seems like "face time" (especially if you may not have access to this site for a while) would be so helpful as you move through this phase (and that IS what it IS) in your journey.
Gwen, I know your HP his his arms wrapped around you and that - through faith in Him - you will make it. So many of us have you in our prayers. He saw you to and from court safely, afterall! Let's do be thankful for that.
And, while I certainly get where your husband is coming from, neither he nor I are in a position to judge...I'm working on that so I can avoid episodes like what you experienced.
Your babies were not hurt. You chose to go out on faith and meet a legal obligation and that's it - your business, right? If the kids were involved, I might take another stance, but they weren't. Any consequences would've affected YOU, primarily - right?
Me? I would consider putting on some spiritual garmets - those of tender mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, patience and forgiveness and discard those of fear, stress and anxiety. Does that make sense? Better said that done, I know, but it may be a start in terms of taking care of YOU. I have to make a conscious effort to "change my clothes," and sometimes a couple of times a day even on a "good" day.
Just a thought...blessings to you, Gwen. This, too, shall pass.
Do you have the ability to connect via a meeting on a daily basis? I don't know the ins and outs of your situation, so forgive me if that info has already been shared. Anyhow, it seems like "face time" (especially if you may not have access to this site for a while) would be so helpful as you move through this phase (and that IS what it IS) in your journey.
Gwen, I know your HP his his arms wrapped around you and that - through faith in Him - you will make it. So many of us have you in our prayers. He saw you to and from court safely, afterall! Let's do be thankful for that.
And, while I certainly get where your husband is coming from, neither he nor I are in a position to judge...I'm working on that so I can avoid episodes like what you experienced.
Your babies were not hurt. You chose to go out on faith and meet a legal obligation and that's it - your business, right? If the kids were involved, I might take another stance, but they weren't. Any consequences would've affected YOU, primarily - right?
Me? I would consider putting on some spiritual garmets - those of tender mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, patience and forgiveness and discard those of fear, stress and anxiety. Does that make sense? Better said that done, I know, but it may be a start in terms of taking care of YOU. I have to make a conscious effort to "change my clothes," and sometimes a couple of times a day even on a "good" day.
Just a thought...blessings to you, Gwen. This, too, shall pass.
Member
Join Date: May 2006
Location: NY
Posts: 2,859
I have had to drive without a license b4 too. Sometimes we gotta do what we gotta do. Maybe Paul is awfulizing thinking of what would have happened instead of what did happen. My fiance does that sometimes its SOOO frustrating isnt it. I have on a few occasions had to remind him if I wanted to live with my father I would move back home to him. I have caused alot of pain in my relationship and I understand that but in order for it to work we cant live in the past only live in the here and now. If he didnt think it was that important to take a day off to drive you to assure that you would have made it there oh well. Then again I dont know the whole thing behind that either. We do what we have to do. I hope he calms down, but he cant move on from the past what does the future hold? You dont need to be reminded of all the bad things you have done in the past I'm sure your well aware as I am.
I agree with anvil too. Dont depend so much on one person depend on you. My fiance is well aware that I dont NEED him per se I WANT to be with him. I lived on my own b4 and supported myself and I can do it again. I hope he calms down where the 2 of you can talk things out. I think he is still very angry at you and now tries to manipulate you and kinda punish you like you are a child not a grown woman. That is not acceptable. Whats next sending you to bed with no dinner? I hope you dont stay there cause you have no where else to go cause thats not healthy for you or your recovery. Its almost emotional abuse if you ask me. I have read all your old posts and he has treated you like this in the past. What about some anger management? What about counseling? Or is it all you and not him in his eyes? Sorry I'm rambling again. I just understand how you feel and how upsetting it is when the people we love cant see how far and how hard it is to get clean and stay clean.
I agree with anvil too. Dont depend so much on one person depend on you. My fiance is well aware that I dont NEED him per se I WANT to be with him. I lived on my own b4 and supported myself and I can do it again. I hope he calms down where the 2 of you can talk things out. I think he is still very angry at you and now tries to manipulate you and kinda punish you like you are a child not a grown woman. That is not acceptable. Whats next sending you to bed with no dinner? I hope you dont stay there cause you have no where else to go cause thats not healthy for you or your recovery. Its almost emotional abuse if you ask me. I have read all your old posts and he has treated you like this in the past. What about some anger management? What about counseling? Or is it all you and not him in his eyes? Sorry I'm rambling again. I just understand how you feel and how upsetting it is when the people we love cant see how far and how hard it is to get clean and stay clean.
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
since your husband is not ready to go to a meeting, have you two thought about counseling? i don't remember if this is something that you are already doing. i guess i may have been like paul at one time, trying to make my ah be the way i thought he should be, not understanding that he had to do what he had to do for himself.
i guess it would be even harder on you, seeing that he's not ready for recovery. its almost like you are left to recover for the both of you. gosh, this must be hard but like i said earlier, you are one tuff cookie. i got a feeling that things are gonna work itself out as long as you continue to do the things that you know that you need to do to keep your side of the street clean.
i believe that, as long as my rah continues to take care of himself and work his recovery, then in time, i will be able to relax a little more with him, but i do think that it will have to take some time. i'm guessing that in time your husband will see how hard you are working to be the best mom and wife that you can be and will eventually ease up.
i admire you for being who you are and handling your situation the way that you are handling it. about the driving, well, whats done is done, time to move on, and hopefully in time, your husband will be able to move past more of this. my heart goes out to ya and i'm still praying for ya.
i guess it would be even harder on you, seeing that he's not ready for recovery. its almost like you are left to recover for the both of you. gosh, this must be hard but like i said earlier, you are one tuff cookie. i got a feeling that things are gonna work itself out as long as you continue to do the things that you know that you need to do to keep your side of the street clean.
i believe that, as long as my rah continues to take care of himself and work his recovery, then in time, i will be able to relax a little more with him, but i do think that it will have to take some time. i'm guessing that in time your husband will see how hard you are working to be the best mom and wife that you can be and will eventually ease up.
i admire you for being who you are and handling your situation the way that you are handling it. about the driving, well, whats done is done, time to move on, and hopefully in time, your husband will be able to move past more of this. my heart goes out to ya and i'm still praying for ya.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 33
Gwen - I am so sorry this is going on. I was really busy yesterday and wasn't on. I think you did what you had to do. I don't know all the details to the situation with Paul but maybe a little apart time will heal some old wounds.
I also agree that I would keep the kids and make him fight for them. Don't know what else to say other than hang in there and I am sending big hugs to you!
I also agree that I would keep the kids and make him fight for them. Don't know what else to say other than hang in there and I am sending big hugs to you!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Union Mo
Posts: 655
Originally Posted by Noah812 
If, in the past, you put him through half of what my xagf did, he is probably thinking now he has lost control of his household. Maybe he feels you don't listen or follow through with what the two of you discuss? I would also say never again. I am sure you discussed this with him and you both agreed there would be no driving. It feels to me he is reacting due to your past and your actions and consequences to him. He probably is just loosing it to the chaos caused before and afterwards of your using. Actually I got really worn out working a job and doing the right thing only to have the XAGF continuously cause me pain in addcition chaos. It was for me as if I could not even get my head above water before the ex A was shoving it back under with her problems, chance taking and consequences. In your case I feel the circumstances are very diffrent but I think Paul is grouping all the bad together as a continuance of disregard for the law. Give him time but try and explain your thoughts and feelings of being overwhelmed and had to make a choice. .
This is it exactly. He knows the consequences of if I am caught. They will revoke my probation, and I will be serving a prison sentance. He sees my actions as my old addict behavior and that is why he is so angry.
He is also angry with my inability to be more dependant on myself instead of others. He isnt all that far off really there. Im a grown woman and I should be working full time, contributing to the household, and be here on a daily basis to be a better help with kids. INstead I have jail every weekend, more trouble coming from past still, I work only 1 day a week, and depend on him to take me everywhere I need to go. I see his fustration. He wants better. This is part of the reason to sell this house and move. There are and have been no job opportunities where I live. Its a tiny community. We live far enough out of town that everywhere is a 30 minute commute just to work anywhere.
I still dont know what he wants as far as me moving somewhere else. His attitude was alot easier last night. No fighting or arguing. He did go to bed by himself as I was exhausted and fell asleep cuddling with the baby on the couch. I didnt hear him go to bed or anything. This morning, well, let me say he's not a morning person and I'd rather hide in a closet than have to see him in the morning. So grouchy. I always pretend to be doing something in a nother room when he first gets up. I dont know. He did leave my phone this morning. He even made an effort in talking to me about mundane things last night. He was still crabby and grouchy, but livable.
I still dont know whats to happen yet. I have to go into jail this weekend. I dont think he is the frame of mind to really talk about whether Im staying with him or moving seprately.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Union Mo
Posts: 655
Originally Posted by BigSis
Gwen... I don't think this is SO much about the driving (yeah, I would have done it, felt just like you do, and then maybe had a double back up the NEXT time).
I think this is more about a partner who sounds like a controlling anon without a program.
So .... why does he get the kids? I would take them and let HIM fight for them (unless it starts freaking them out, then I would probably try to find an arbitrator, or other state or court official to help with with MY custody).
You are in my prayers girl. (((hugs)))
I think this is more about a partner who sounds like a controlling anon without a program.
So .... why does he get the kids? I would take them and let HIM fight for them (unless it starts freaking them out, then I would probably try to find an arbitrator, or other state or court official to help with with MY custody).
You are in my prayers girl. (((hugs)))
As far as the kids, when I was trying to get clean, Division or Family Services were involved, since I was inthe home and was an addict they took away our kids.
They forced the issue of him having full custody so I would clean myself up. So we went to court and I gave him full custody during the school year and I get them in the summer. But we still reside in the same household. If we should split up then he is awarded custody. I have no say when it comes to taking the kids here. He is the one with a full time job, the home and all that makes everything stable for our kids.
I wont fight that. He has their best intrest in mind. He is the more stable one in our family. He doesnt have the legal problems as I do either.
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
i think this is a good sign and i am cheering you on. praying for you too. you know, i remember the hard time my rah and i had getting through all those charges i had yrs ago with the bad checks and even now, my ah is having to report to probation and have pending charges still for the same offense, that he pick up after prison, so i do understand what your h feels but i also understand what its like for you.
it took time for me, but one day at a time we got through it all. glad to hear that its being more peaceful for you today.
it took time for me, but one day at a time we got through it all. glad to hear that its being more peaceful for you today.
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
Thank you for your explanation. Sounds like that was how it was... we can't change the past.
But the future is wiiiiiidddddddeeee open.
And today starts in ..... well. I guess right now.
Every step you make that is hard to take, every lesson you learn, these all bring you closer to where you want to be.... a fully-functioning, equal and equally responsible partner and parent.
I'll continue to keep you in my prayers, hon.
But the future is wiiiiiidddddddeeee open.
And today starts in ..... well. I guess right now.
Every step you make that is hard to take, every lesson you learn, these all bring you closer to where you want to be.... a fully-functioning, equal and equally responsible partner and parent.
I'll continue to keep you in my prayers, hon.
Get Caught Reading
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Not in the boonies, thank God
Posts: 1,410
((((((Gwen))))))
Everyone's response to your thread were great.
I just wanted to send you hugs and prayers, sweetie.
You have alot on your plate, and I'm sure it seems
overwhelming at times. Stay strong and determined to
get through it. For yourself and your children.
How long do you have to do the weekend jail thing?
Do you have goals for your future?
I believe Paul has gone through alot with you, but his anger
and resentments can't be healthy for you, your kids, and your
marriage, in general. Imho, he needs to find a way to work through
these anger issues, and move past them. If the marriage is to survive.
You've come such a long way, and seem determined to follow through.
I commend you for all that.
Keep your chin up, sweetie, and work toward being your own person,
with your own independence, wants, needs, desires, and goals.
You can do it!
Sending heartfelt prayers and support from me to you today,
P.S. I'da driven too.
Everyone's response to your thread were great.
I just wanted to send you hugs and prayers, sweetie.
You have alot on your plate, and I'm sure it seems
overwhelming at times. Stay strong and determined to
get through it. For yourself and your children.
How long do you have to do the weekend jail thing?
Do you have goals for your future?
I believe Paul has gone through alot with you, but his anger
and resentments can't be healthy for you, your kids, and your
marriage, in general. Imho, he needs to find a way to work through
these anger issues, and move past them. If the marriage is to survive.
You've come such a long way, and seem determined to follow through.
I commend you for all that.
Keep your chin up, sweetie, and work toward being your own person,
with your own independence, wants, needs, desires, and goals.
You can do it!
Sending heartfelt prayers and support from me to you today,
P.S. I'da driven too.
Just plainly tired
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: crossroads
Posts: 2,834
Gwen, Your and your husband is going through a lot right now and it will take to bring things back to "normal". Even though you are not doing the same things in the past you are still paying the consequences. I believe that even though he reacted in anger it stemmed from fear, fear that you could have went back to jail, not be there for the kids, nothing working out and you being gone. He was scared and it would probably take a lot of time for him to adjust. I will pray for him, pray that he will find peace and live each day to the fullest without anger and for him to try to understand why you did what you did. Hold on Gwen.... nothing is over yet.. even though everything is tough right now with going to jail every other weekend and with the nonsense with what the girls in prison are saying.. things will get better but you must believe, pray and give it to your HP.
Hugs,
jewel
Hugs,
jewel
Becoming a Butterfly
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 904
Gwen, what you said about him being the one who can take care of the kids and you won't interfere with that ... that is so beautiful. You are truly a good mother - you truly love them. So many people get petty and use the kids as part of the drama.
Yes, you're going to have to wade through all these consequences but I have a feeling you are really going to be okay.
Yes, you're going to have to wade through all these consequences but I have a feeling you are really going to be okay.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Wishin' I was on the Beach!
Posts: 1,415
Sounds like Paul may come around. Just keep showing him with your actions,
that you have changed. Maybe getting as much packed up as possible before
you to to jail this weekend,e tc. Keeping you in my prayers.
that you have changed. Maybe getting as much packed up as possible before
you to to jail this weekend,e tc. Keeping you in my prayers.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Union Mo
Posts: 655
Well, I just got off the phoen with the county jail. They are full so Im not goin this weekend. They also have nothing conclusive on their investigation either. All they have is the girls saying that I have been giving out pills. They dont have any eveidence except heresay. Im done worrying about it. It does me no good anyway. I also just got off the phone with Paul and things seem to be smoothing out there too. I guess he just needed to blow up about the whole thing and the storm is over. Im not saying that everything is peaches and creme. It will and nmeeds to be worked out. I need to change how I do things and he needs to work on him. So today, Im gonna immerse myself in packing and getting what I can done here. Im not gonna let this whole mess drag me down today. I have been given more blessings today. Its up to me to do what I can with what Ive been given. Clean slate today? I think so.
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