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Loved Ones in Prison

Old 01-03-2008, 06:35 PM
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Hi everyone,

I'm just sitting here feeling a wave of sadness that came over me when AH called earlier. He is excited about getting out next Tues. But all I feel is sadness. I'm gonna feel it, then let it go, I guess.

Today, he just got moved today from one place to another closer, only 15 min. away. The PO will pick him up there and bring him home. The closer it gets, the more mixed up I am. I try not to think about it, but sometimes I have to.

Hope everyone is doing OK? Anyone wanna check in with an update or anyone new want to share their story?
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Old 01-03-2008, 07:03 PM
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I can just imagine how you must be feeling, Ray. Try not to project. It will either be okay or it won't, and you just can't know until he gets there.....and it is useless to react until you know what you are reacting to.

Try to remember all of the reasons you fell in love with him originally. See if you can find any of that person still in him. I imagine he is scared to death, too. He knows good and well that you are a different woman from the one he knew before jail.

Is there some common ground that you can concentrate on? My X and I used to love paddling our canoe.....even when things were bad between us, we could still have a good day on a river. What was it for you guys? Music? Golf? Food? I'll bet if you think about it, you will be able to find a few things to give your new relationship some common interests to bond over.

I gotta be honest, Ray, I totally admire your courage and fortitude in getting back in the ring for one more round. Surely, if you are willing to do it, it must be because there is a glimmer of hope down deep in there somewhere......right? Or you would have pulled the plug on the relationship long ago......right?

Regardless of how it turns out (and it is usually never as bad as we are afraid it is going to be.....) you have us here to listen to you and support you in whatever decision you make. We just want you to be happy, Ray. With a husband or without a husband makes little difference to us. It is YOU we care about. It is YOUR serenity and peace that is important to us.

The rocking chair is warmed up and waiting for you to climb aboard tonight, Girlfriend. Be gentle with yourself.

Mwah!
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Old 01-04-2008, 11:07 AM
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Hi Ray. I'm sorry you have to go through all the turmoil! I can relate. Stay in the present is great advice. Just take it day by day.

The best thing I did when D got out of jail last summer was NOT CHANGE MY LIFE to accomodate him. He had to be an adult and make it on his own. It was not easy for me to do that. I felt guilty at times because I kept doing what I was doing before he got out - which was putting my sons needs and my own needs first. I encourage you to do that as well - don't lose yourself. He needs to learn how to live again. He is going to do what he is going to do. I guess, in the past, I always focused my life on him and his needs and he was SUCH a crackhead that it was really unhealthy for me.

Personally, I think your husband should be woo-ing you back once he gets out and really trying to be the best person he could be. My ex never did that. He just expected me to be there for him like I was before. I couldn't do it though. And he never really put much effort into re-developing our relationship. He preferred to just lay on the couch, complain about his job and watch MTV. I found his behavior to be a huge turn-off. I think it was indicitive of the fact he wasn't done with the lifestyle yet. He said being home was "boring". I always thought, no duh. Get off your rear and do something then!

Also, regardless of how it turns out between the two of you, I'm sure happy for your husband that he gets a second chance at living a healthy happy and productive life. And I truly truly hope he makes it.

I find that I can't even think about D these days without tears welling up in my eyes. I haven't contacted him and I'm not going to. That sure is taking a lot of self-control but I have to stay out of it for my sanity. I feel so horrible for him though that he's back in prison. But he deserves it. At least he's clean and sober. Sad to think that he is most likely one of the ones that will never recover from his addiction and spend the rest of his life in prison because of it.

I worry about my son now. What if he inherited that addict gene from his father. He's a goner too. (talk about projecting and worrying too much about things that haven't happened yet - the kid is only two...)
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Old 01-04-2008, 11:16 AM
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SUnshine, I just want to send hugs. I like Babs idea of find something you enjoy together to do. No matter how awful things are AH and I like to cook and eat together, especially fresh out of jail. With my AH the more he eats the more he exercises and works out and the more he's doing that the less likely he is to be depressed or use...
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Old 01-04-2008, 05:17 PM
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Thank you everyone.

I sure need that rocking chair tonight, Babs...
Rock. Rock. Rock.
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Old 01-05-2008, 08:12 AM
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So Ray, how does it work when they release him? Do you have to go get him? Do they release him TO YOU or do they just release him?

I gotta second Kitty's good wishes for your AH's progress. Everyone wishes him well and hopes for the best for him. Some people DO make it. We all hope he will be one of them.

(((hugs)))
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Old 01-05-2008, 01:49 PM
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Thanks, Babs. Well the PO called to make sure I give permission for him to be released here. I let him know I wouldn't have any tolerance for bad behaviors this time and if AH has to change his residence, he would be in touch with him. He assured me he would have very little tolerance also. Reason being, he'll be on intensive probation for the 1st 6 months. This requires weekly office visits with PO, random drug tests, and has to be home by 6pm each night. They come by to check 3-7 nights a week. AH will be released to the PO, and PO will deliver him home. (I have to drop off clothes on Monday.)

Really, I expect him to do good during this time ... he always does. He performs great in a controlled environment like rehab or jail. Always does what he's supposed too, etc. Always a model student, etc. It'll be when he gets more freedom after those 6 months that will show whether he's still serious about recovery or not. (Trying not to project, just being realistic about his behaviors in the past.)

What'll be different this time, though will be ME. I will not try to cover for him if he slips. I will no longer provide a soft landing for his mistakes. He will not be able to use and still live here. Like Kitty, I think he expects me to always be here for him like I was before. I don't feel like that anymore. It will take effort on both our parts to redevelop the relationship.
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Old 01-06-2008, 01:57 PM
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Originally Posted by rayofsunshine View Post
I think he expects me to always be here for him like I was before.
That was what blew my XAH away! He was stunned when I actually went through with the divorce.

I always hated the confrontations and he counted on that. It would have been SO easy to just slip back into those old behavior patterns and let him have his way, so it was a huge step for me when I learned to put my foot down calmly and firmly....no wavering, no waffling, no negotiating, no backing down. Strangely enough, it was my calmness that gave me the control I always wanted over the situation. In the old days, once I lost my temper, I was a goner....I would rant and rave and he would go do exactly as he pleased.

Ray, many prayers will be resting with you over the next few days and weeks and months. We REALLY hope it will turn out well for you.

Mwah!
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Old 01-07-2008, 08:49 PM
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Well, tomorrows the big day. Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers. AH will be brought home by his PO sometime Tues. afternoon.
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Old 01-08-2008, 04:43 AM
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Babs, my angels and my HP are all around me today. I just read the Language of Letting Go for today... it was meant just for me.
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Old 01-08-2008, 06:59 AM
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Wow, that WAS a good reading. I especially liked the part about pain being a warning that a boundary was needed.

I think sometimes I caused an awful lot of my own pain because I was unable to enforce my boundaries......

If things get uncomfortable, Ray, just visualize our rocking chair. Visualize crawling up into loving arms that will hold you and soothe you and rock you until you feel strong again.

Keep us posted, Girlfriend.

Mwah,
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Old 01-08-2008, 11:48 AM
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hello all. Keep us posted Ray.

I talked to my exs mom last night. She is having extreme anxiety attacks and told me it is all her sons fault. He spoke with her on the phone. He told her to ask me if he could come home? WTF?! Can you believe that! He hasn't even called me. He knows the answer. If nothing changes nothing changes. So no matter HOW SAD I am for his ruined life and his poor son, there is no way I would let him come back here. I cannot believe he has the nerve (or lack of nerve) to have his poor mother ask me that question.

And talk about projecting into the future! The guy isn't getting out anytime soon that I'm aware of. Apparently his psycho friend is trying to raise the bond. It's $5000. If he gets out, he told his friend he plans on running. That's a smart move, eh?!

He's still in the medical ward. His blood sugar is 392 (according to his mom) and he is taking daily insulin shots.

Last night my son wanted to pray for his daddy. We did of course. It's so heart breaking.

I am staying detached. Not visiting. I wouldn't have time to visit even if I wanted to. I work more than 50 hours a week at a job I hate to support me and my son, and then I go home and I am a fulltime mom, cook and maid without any help.

What a loser. His mom said that apparently they made him sound like a really bad guy during his hearing. She insists he's not a bad guy. But actually, I've started to accept that he is. I mean, he has 7 felony arrests for crack cocaine, assault charges and felony flight! He sure doesn't look like a good guy on paper. He hasn't killed anyone... yet. But that isn't enough to qualify him as good. He doesn't support his family. He's a coward. He's a cheater. Crack addiction is not an excuse.

Anyway, thanks for letting me vent.
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Old 01-09-2008, 07:41 AM
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Just thinking about you, Ray. Hope all is well.

Rock, rock, rock.

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Old 01-10-2008, 11:06 AM
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I was thinking of you ray too.
Please check in. Babs, Im glad the visit went well.
I have to say I still am not sure who the man sitting in my home saying he's my husband is, but I like him...about time huh.
I see the effort he's putting forth to do well, and with all the drama of the car being stolen and such hes been a great help with the kids and house. He got a job interview and was excited to tell me he had to take a ua for the job... wow. I knew hes been clean, but happy about taking a UA?
Im living one day at a time still, ready to swerve when life throws its next curve
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Old 01-13-2008, 04:45 PM
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Hi all. I like your quote Cindi... "Im living one day at a time still, ready to swerve when life throws its next curve." That's how I'm living it too. We are still in the adjustment period I guess. Things are going pretty well, a little better each day. I gave him the boundary list the night he got home. He didn't take that too well. If I had that to do over, I would have mailed it a few weeks before. But we discussed it and he's ok with it. He's cleaned up a lot since he's been home. Started cleaning out the basement too. We went to church this morning together, then the grocery store, then cooked and cleaned up together. Being so "together" is quite an adjustment. So today, I am doing ok.

Kitty, It's sad where addiction can take you. You are doing the best you can. Praying is all you can really do at this point. Sending you ((HUGS))).. climb up in the rocking chair.

Thanks, Cindi & Babs... hope everyone is doing ok?
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Old 01-13-2008, 08:04 PM
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Hi Ray, SOOOOOOOOO glad that it is going well. When they get clean for a while, we start to remember why we loved them. Lots of thoughts and prayers have been hovering over you the last few days!

Kitty, the only thing that helped me let go of some of my anger was separating the man from the disease. It is the drug, not the man, that does the stupid, selfish, reckless things that hurt everyone so much. Addiction is not an excuse, it is a reason.

They are more pitiful than cruel, more stupid than devious, and more hurt than hurtful. To be honest, it sucks to be them. They do their drugs because it takes away the pain of being them.....at least for a little while.

Do you have the Al-Anon book, One Day at a Time? Do yourself and him a favor and read September 20th.

Okay, all, time for a group hug in the old rocking chair. Y'all climb up.

MWAH
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Old 01-14-2008, 08:36 AM
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Group hug.
Every day I see my recovery more and more. Sunshine remember we can recover whether they are or not, keep working on you and dont let up.
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Old 01-14-2008, 12:38 PM
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Hi Ray. Glad things are going well. I really enjoyed the first few weeks when my ex got out of prison. We did lots of family things. Our son loved being with his daddy. It gave him good memories. I don't think I would trade those. That's part of why I won't visit now or take my son to visit. I don't want to ruin those good memories.

Thanks Bab. Things are fine. Sometimes I just feel angry and have to let it out. Actually, I met a guy and things are kind of fun right now. I'm just taking it one day at a time and not reading too much into things but it's fun to have someone treat me like a princess and want to be part of our lives (mine and my sons.) And he knows about Andrew's father but it doesn't seem to phase him in the least.
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Old 01-14-2008, 03:33 PM
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Everything has been going pretty well. This weekend we are going to visit my little brother and sister. That should be fun. We might go visit my dad if my grandma lets me. All these trips are with my other grandparents [my dad's dad and stepmom]. Well I have to go because I am making a cake for my grandpa's [the one I live with] birthday.
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Old 01-15-2008, 05:12 AM
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Hi, Sadness, welcome back. Hope you had a nice birthday....what a great way to end a year, with a birthday cake. Were you able to go visit your Dad? How did it go?

Life Change? Are you still with us? How are you doing?

Kitty, glad to hear you have some new male influence in your life. Funny how a new romance can take away a huge amount of pain, let you heal and help you feel beautiful again. Every woman should feel like a princess, at least part of the time. Shoot, I keep a tiara in my car just in case I ever have the need for one.......

Y'all have a great day.

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