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Loved Ones in Prison

Old 02-09-2008, 07:10 AM
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Hi Everyone!

Sadness, You just keep getting wiser as you're growing up. I'm glad you're here to share with us.

Kitty, We all remember how active addicts don't think reasonably, so I think you know whats the best way to handle what you need from him at the moment. You're doing whats right for you, and I've learned alot from your experiences.


Everything is going ok here. RAH has been home 4 weeks now, has worked the last 2. He's taken our teenage son to work for the past 2 Saturdays. Son gets to learn carpentry skills and gets some good father/son time too as well as earn a little cash!
The bossman works him til 5:30 each day, then for probation has to be home by 6, so I don't have to worry about any free time, but really, right now, his actions show he wants to live differently this time, so I don't have any anxiety at the moment. His PO
told him to give him a good couple months, then he'll give him a couple nights off a week. (One for church, one for a meeting.) I don't get on the computer now as much as I'd like... we cook supper now each night, and he has good leftovers for work the next day. My kids are enjoying this because dad is a much better cook than mom!

Hi Babs, Lifechange, Cinderella, hope each of you is doing ok! Dakota we miss you! (Babs that rocker looks so comforting!)
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Old 02-10-2008, 02:54 AM
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Woo Hoo! I am so glad that things are going well for you, Ray! I was hoping that the reason we hadn't heard from you was that you were spending all your time having FUN. I love happy endings. Enjoy each moment. Don't look down the road, just take each good day and savor it.

Ireland? Kitty, how exciting! I have always wanted to go there.....need somebody to carry your bags or anything? Travel is one of those pleasures that even gets better in retrospect. The memories (not to mention the pictures) are SO worth the investment.

Sadness, we are going to have to change your nickname one of these days. You sound so much happier than when you first came.

I am off on a business trip today. I love to travel even when it's work!

MWAH
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Old 02-10-2008, 06:43 PM
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I also feel the guilt of letting my AD down, but the only person I was feeling guilty for was me. I love him with all my heart and he could careless. My son will not talk to his father and has never reget it. I always told him it was not his fault for our mistakes. I am also a recovering addict but as for you. You are doing what you need to do for you and your child. If your father does not understand then it is his lose not yours. I am sure your father understands that you have to do what you have to do.

Stay one day at a time.
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Old 02-11-2008, 10:44 AM
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What a pain this all is.

My ex calls collect 9 or 10 times a day. I cannot accept the call because I do not have an account with the prison and I do not have the money to set one up (and wouldn't set up an account even if I did). He knows this. He keeps calling. It's pure manipulation. He must be frantic. He's being held in the County Jail until his trial and it's really old and nasty in there - not a nice place at all. The state facilities are nicer. Not that it matters. Do the crime do the time. It's not like he was ignorant about all this when he got arrested. He chose to go out and use again, knowing that drugs = jail. It's not like he functions when he smokes crack. He knew all this. So frustrating to know that he's whining about his situation when he created his situation. Like I am supposed to feel sorry for him.

His mother thinks that he wants me to put up my house as collateral for his bail (OH PUHHHLEEZZZ! Like I would ever do that. He must be delusional.) I tried to visit on Sunday morning to find out about the Passport paperwork and find out what the heck he wants but they wouldn't let me in because visiting was full.

My attorney has yet to call me back about the custody matter.

Ray, glad things are going well. Sounds like his PO is really involved. That's good. Last time D got out they just released him and that was it. He was free. Had to check in once a month and that was all. No follow up. No nothing. It was weird.

Yep Babs. Ireland. It gives me something to look forward to. 5 mos and counting....
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Old 02-11-2008, 04:16 PM
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'Scuse me, gang, while I interrupt for just a moment.

When threads reach 500 posts, we need to start a new thread, usually with the same title but called Part 2. If you could do that and send me a note when it happens, I'll close this thread and attach a link to Part 3.

Now, back to your regularly scheduled program....
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Old 02-12-2008, 07:58 AM
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You are right, Kitty, it is all about manipulation. I had to turn off my phone for a while. Everyone I want to talk to calls me on my cell phone anyway.....all my land line gets me is telemarketers and collect calls from jail.....(don't know why I even bother to keep it!)

Unfortunately, since you need something from him, he is in a position to use that power to his advantage. Try to recognize that for what it is, and don't take it personally. It is just the only chip he has to bargain with. Bargaining with him for what you want is not always wrong....sometimes it is just reality. Sometimes a small concession can get you a big gain.

Thanks for stopping by, Ann. It has been a long time since you visited this thread.....maybe about 500 posts ago.... Always good to see you, and there is always plenty of room in the rocking chair.

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Old 02-12-2008, 12:30 PM
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I couldn't believe it. The attorney I was referred to yesterday was a complete bozo. I told him I wanted to establish that I had sole custody of my son. He told me I had to establish paternity first. DOHHH! I thought my exs name on the birth certificate was enough to do that. Then he told me that I needed to consider my xbf's feelings while he was in jail. That he had rights too! And I shouldn't kick him when he was down. LMAO! Isn't that freakin' outrageous!!!! MEN!
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Old 02-12-2008, 09:11 PM
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Find a different attorney.....a woman!

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Old 02-13-2008, 10:26 AM
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I've been reading through the posts in this thread, and it's awesome to see that some people DO change after prison! My AS is now officially an absconder from probation on our state's website, which will mean I'm thinking 23 months minimum in prison. And if this wasn't bad enough (I can't believe I'm saying this) I think he may have robbed a bank (armed). There was a bank robbery in the neighboring town where he lives, and when I heard about it all I could think was "OMG I hope that was not my son"...of course they put video pictures on the news' website, and OMG, it could really be him. I am not sure enough to turn him in (not sure if I could do that, and I don't know where he is living anyway), but seeing the pictures was enough to make my blood run cold. At any rate, I won't go to the police and say "that looks like it COULD BE my son"...I don't know for sure.
Then last night he called (he always blocks the number), and I asked him if he did this robbery, and he says "of course I didn't, Mom...why would you even ask that?" But he did say some of his friends asked him if it was him, and I told him they probably saw the pictures on the news. I'm freaking out about this, if he did this, he would be facing ALOT more prison time, not to mention in a higher security prison rather than just going in for a probation violation :-((
OF course there is nothing I can do about it, he's been in and out of jail (all for B & E charges) and knows the routine (no bail, court appointed attorney). There is a chance that he didn't do this, but you know a mother's intuition...turns my stomach. I'm praying every day and night that he didn't do this!! Then when I told him that things would be easier for him when the weather turned nice (sarcastically, due to the fact that he's just staying wherever someone lets him and it's freezing here), he says "I just might have to make it warm"...which to me meant he's about to run. We'll see, I'm SO TIRED OF ALL THE DRAMA, but it's hard not to let it get to you when something like this is hanging there...argh.
Hubby and I are going on a cruise in March (have had it booked since July), and I find myself hoping that the kid is either gone or back in jail...figuring out where to put our safe and valuables while we're gone, thinking if my son asks when our cruise is, I will definately lie to him and tell him a different time than we will really be gone. Stupid kids, why do they put us through this????
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Old 02-13-2008, 10:32 AM
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Enjoy your cruise!
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Old 02-13-2008, 10:52 PM
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Originally Posted by LauraK View Post
I'm SO TIRED OF ALL THE DRAMA
I gotta admit, I much prefer my drama on stage! No drama, no guilt, no problem!


Originally Posted by LauraK View Post
Stupid kids, why do they put us through this????
Well, they put themselves through their addiction trials, but WE put ourselves through all the pain associated with it. It is all about letting go of them. Putting them in God's hands, and allowing them the dignity to make their own mistakes and learn their own lessons.

Laura, you have a chance to go on a once-in-a-lifetime cruise. I hope you can go and stay in the now and savor every moment without allowing your son's behavior to control your life, cloud your thoughts and steal your happiness...

Ask a neighbor to keep an eye on things at your house, or let your local police force know that you will be gone, and then go and don't look back. Worrying about it won't change a single thing except your vacation.

Climb up and rock with us a while. There are loving arms and understanding hearts right here ready to help comfort you. Believe me, we all know your pain.

((Hugs))
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Old 02-14-2008, 11:25 AM
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I went and saw my ex at the county jail this morning to see about the paper work. He said that he asked for a notary but I needed to be patient because things take time in there.

He looks absolutely awful. He lost his front teeth this time around. Said he fell at the precinct and his teeth got knocked out. He hasn't shaved since he went in (back before Christmas). I cried. Apparently I'm not as tough as I thought. It's just hard to see him like that, and hear him so full of promises that this time is the last time, that he's going to go to rehab when he gets out, that he's done using. Gawd. Just typing that makes me want to cry. I've heard it all before. I still just have the ominous feeling that he will die soon after he gets out. I told him this and of course, he denied it. Said he was going to take care of himself. Asked if he could stay with us if he went to rehab. Asked if there was a chance we could get back together. Asked if I would bring his son to see him. Of course the answer to all these questions was no.

I have to stop typing now. It's just too sad. Apparently they are asking for 14 mos this time.
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Old 02-14-2008, 12:54 PM
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Oh kitty- no words just feeling for you- sending hugs- prayers- I wish I could send a dang dinner!! Tell you to go to bed, cry and get that sadness out and that everything will be okay. Just for today. I'm just so darn sorry-
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Old 02-15-2008, 05:44 AM
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Come on, Kitty, climb up. We'll rock. The sadness is the last of the feelings to leave. For me, the anger went away first...then the pain....but the sadness lingered for a long time. It still lingers.....

Rock, rock, rock.

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Old 02-15-2008, 07:12 PM
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The pain and sadness still linger here. The anger still lingers here but not as much. I still am angry and hurt over what happened. It seemed as he loved his drugs more than me. And that really hurt. The fear and what ifs still linger here to. Because I am afraid what will happen when he gets out. Hopefully he will do good. I have my doubts but im starting to think that he will do good. But then I dont want to think that because if he does mess up then I will be even more disappointed and upset. So its hard.
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Old 02-15-2008, 07:26 PM
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It all just brings tears to my eyes, you dear sweet people. My prayers are going out tonight for all of you and Babs, man, if you could just gather them up IRL and hold them....but at least you are all rocking in spirit.
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Old 02-15-2008, 11:01 PM
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And ya know, Peace, spirit is all we have. Our rocking chair is the symbol of love and connection and comfort. It is about being held in loving arms, stroked with loving hands and listened to with loving ears. It is about sharing pain to lessen it.

The safest I ever felt was when I was lifted onto my Mom's lap, enfolded in my Mom's arms and made to feel cherished and protected. "Hush, now" she would say. "It is going to be okay. Mommy's here." And we would rock and rock and rock.

There are many days I come to SR for that kind of comfort.......and I find it. There are many days when SR is my HP in human form.

I love you guys.

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Old 02-17-2008, 12:55 PM
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Hi Everyone.

Kitty, after all I've been through, I think they have rights if they are living right and making good choices... not while they are sitting in jail because of their wrong choices. You're doing the right thing by doing what feels right for you and your son now. Your ex is not able to make right choices at the moment. His addiction has taken that away for now. Maybe this time, he'll really work his recovery while he's in there and someday he
can make good choices and be a good father to his son. You keep working on you... sending prayers of strength and peace for you.

Hi LauraK... welcome... sorry about what you're going through with your AS. I see under your name "trying to get out of Gods way". That's what I felt when I finally realized I had enabled my AH for so many years... I thought if *I* just did this or that... or if I loved him better, etc. etc. he'd stop using. I finally learned it wasn't in MY control. I had to "Let go and let God" and "get out of Gods way". That's when my sanity started
coming back. Keep posting and sharing. You'll get so much support and learn alot from this forum.

Hi Babs. I love to travel too. Hope you had a nice business trip! The rocker is waiting for you when you get back.

Everything is going ok here. The remodeling of my bathroom is now underway. It was RAH idea. We picked out the flooring yesterday. Got a new showerhead and sink faucet. We go tomorrow to pick out the wall boards, and he'll finish it tomorrow. The floor is done and it looks nice. This is one of those neglected projects from when he was using. He started on the bathtub walls, and never finished. The floor was rotting around the tub. For today, it feels really good to see him tackle this project.

Peace everyone.
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Old 02-17-2008, 06:38 PM
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Originally Posted by happysoul View Post
At this point it's healthier for me not to ask...and i think he's in the best place he can be.

I am learning to deal with this as it is not something i ever thought i would experience.
Prison was the best place for my AH at the time. It was where he needed to be, as he was way out of control with his using... near death really. So,
it saved his life. For me, it was a healing time, as I had had a front row
seat in the chaos for far too long.

Sending hugs to you, happysoul.
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Old 02-18-2008, 10:03 AM
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Good to see you here happysoul. Keep us posted.
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