rayofsunshine

Hi Babs,
That sounds like a wonderful lesson for your sons as well. I think there may be one in there for me as well. Me and youngest daughter are going to see AH later today and take his "coming home" clothes. Even though he made me angry enough to hang up on him (angrys probably not the right word, I wasn't REALLY angry, just didnt want to hear it), I am still going to take
the clothes and visit today because it's Christmas. He is doing well right now too, as far as sobriety, so I'll support that as best I can. It is hard when your inventory is being taken every conversation, but I don't have to get in on that drama each time I'm invited.

Hello_Kitty, I'm planning on writing and mailing a boundaries list for him to sign in the days after Christmas. Some of the boundaries for my list have been popping in my head this morning. BTW the probation officer left a message a couple days ago about his release and the conditions of his parole he's got to go over with me, I've got to call him back Monday (if he's in) or it may be after Christmas. (My immature side wants to collect beer cans and throw around my yard, so it appears unsafe and they won't let him come here.... my mature side says I need to do my best for this last chance and let what happens be all on him.)

hello-kitty

LMAO about the beer cans. I totally understand the feeling of needing to give them their last chance. That's why I let D come home. He is going to go back to prison for such a long time the next time. It's like he's just an addict. He can't stop using no matter what. It makes me sad at Christmas time. Sad for his baby boy.

There are these spare keys to our garbage can hanging in the foyer of our condo building and Andrew points at them everytime we leave our building and says "those are daddy's keys."

I'm so glad I kicked D out of my life after his first relaspe and didn't prolong my sons agony or memories by letting him come and go again and again. And letting him witness the crack psychosis.

He has good memories of his father. He doesn't know that his father should be around on Christmas but won't because he can't stop smoking crack.

I hope he goes back to prison soon. At least we'll know where he is. And I won't be getting meaningless messages from him every month saying he loves us misses us and wants to come home.

Babs Merry Christmas. Enjoy your visit with the children and their father for what it is - a supportive loving thing for the kids and their father.

God bless!

rayofsunshine

The visit went well today. I think I actually got some of the compassion back for him as a person. I had detached so much from the addict, I was lacking compassion for him as a person. After listening to him talk about how he wants to take care of us and not hurt us anymore, I feel like theres a chance he means it. But its still gonna be actions, not words when he gets out. He talked about how he and another "old guy" there helped decorate the tree, how they both cried. How he helped give out the gifts, how good it made him feel inside, and how he never wants to go back to the old life, and never wants to go back to prison either.

I'm still guarding my heart, and still plan on writing the letter to set boundaries. But I'll go to sleep tonight with a little compassion in my heart, instead of being so cold.

Merry Christmas everyone!

Babs

It is amazing how Christmas can make us all stretch our hearts a little further...part of the miracle, I guess. I am so glad your visit went well. Hopefully, it will help make the homecoming a little less frightening for you. Remember that the coldness you mentioned is just armor for your heart. There is nothing cold about you, Ray.

Kitty, I truly believe that they mean those "meaningless messages" when they send them. Most of them haven't a clue what real love is. They do the best they can....they love us and their children as much as they are able to.

Merry Christmas my dear friends. I hope you have a day filled with joy and laughter and home-made baked desserts.

I love you guys,
Babs

hello-kitty

I think they mean it - at the exact moment they say it. And not a minute more. Something is wrong with my ex's brain. Crack cocaine has destroyed it. There is no room for true love or feeling in there anymore. Only crack. He is unable to maintain any lasting feelings of remorse or love or caring for something other than dope or self-satisfaction or self-hatred. He has been consumed.

Babs

You are right-on about a lot of things, Kitty. I think the self-hatred comes first, followed by the dope, followed by the self-satisfaction, followed by self-hatred. The horrible cycle of addiction. They are pitiabe shells who don't have a clue what love means.

IMHO, the hurt, and self-loathing is so deep, so raw, that nothing, NOTHING can make them feel "normal." Addicts have holes in their souls that nothing can fill. Their lives are so dysfunctional that they don't even have a rational concept of an adult human relationship.

My heart breaks for them all. The hurt, the sadness, the terror, the sheer waste of it all. They are addicts. It is what they do. We don't get upset with a dog for licking its butt....it is what dogs do. Well, being totally dysfunctional selfish, lying, cheating, stealing *ssholes is what addicts do. It is what they are.

Once I took the steps I needed to take to protect myself, my children and my bank account from them, it was much easier to see them as the truly damaged entities they are and find some compassion and pity for them.

We are the ones who have to be strong enough, smart enough and self-caring enough to keep them from hurting us. They do not have the capability to protect us from their chaos. Only we do.

I know you will feel safer when your addict is back in jail, and I am hoping that then your heart will have a chance to heal.

Merry Christmas, Kitty.

Babs

sadness123

Christmas was excelent. I got everything I asked for. My grandparents buy everything I ask for to make up for me not living with my parents. I talked to my dad, Step Mom [my old not my dad's current wife], and my brother.
Im going to go visit my dad in jail and then go visit my old Step Mom and brother and sister. Im kind of afraid to visit my dad in jail. I have never done it before. I heard they had a dress code thing. But I dont know the dress code. Can someone clue me in? Thanks
Merry Christmas

Babs

At the jail here, you mainly just have to cover up. No halter tops, no short shorts, no mini skirts, nothing see-through. Dress conservatively and you should be fine. They made us leave our purses in our cars and we had to take our shoes off in front of a guard so they could see we weren't sneaking anything in, and they did the metal detector wand on us. I think that was about it. It wasn't scary or anything. You will be fine.

I hope you will enjoy your visit with him. I know he will be glad to see you.

Babs

rayofsunshine

Good quote to remember!


Hi sadness,
Glad you are having such a nice Christmas. My sister-in-law actually almost didn't get in the first time she visited my AH in prison. She wore short shorts. Luckily, they were the rollup kind and she was able to roll them down and still get in, but they told her next time to cover up more because they wouldn't let her in like that again. Anyway, like jeans and t-shirts or the like (nothing low cut) should be fine. Like Babs said, we have to leave purses in the car too... only thing allowed is keys and ID. I've visited in places that had drink machines, so you could bring change for those just in case. But thats about it.

hello-kitty

Same rules for the jail that Andrew's dad was in. Dress conservatively. No purses.

I hope you all had a Merry Christmas. I heard from D's mom on Christmas Eve. Apparently he was arrested on the 19th. Assault and Felony Flight. Not like him to be violent. Obviously his addiction is getting worse.

Apparently he is in the medical ward because they let the dogs loose on him when he tried to run from the cops. He was diagnosed with diabetes as well.

I haven't gone to visit him and I doubt I will.

Take care all.

Katie

rayofsunshine

Oh Kitty, it is so sad where addiction can lead you. His HP has him just where he wants him now. Its ok to "Let go and let God". You don't have to visit if you don't want to. I know you have the tools to take care of YOU now. Big (((HUGS))) because even if you know the right things to do for you, its still hard.

hello-kitty

Thanks Ray. As detached as I am and self-sufficient as I am, it still sucks. The humanity of it is what sucks. My sons father is going to end up dead from his addiction - if the crack doesn't get him then the dealers that he screws over or the police dogs or now his diabetes will. I have lost all hope for him to ever get better and be a father to his son. And I feel a bit guilty about that. And his son loves him so much. It hurts to see that. Last night I was trying to think of ways to tell my son that his father is dead. Because if he gets out again, that is what will happen.

Apparently, the idiot didn't even have any crack on him. So he didn't need to run. Well, I guess he was in violation of his parole. Of course he hasn't been checking in. He has this loser crack smoking friend with lots of money who told D's mom that he will be checking into bailing him out. That will kill D. But his friend is that stupid and co-dependent. If the police do let him get out (it sound utterly ridiculous to me but stranger things have happened) it will be the death of him. Diabetes. There is no way that a crack smoker will keep up on insulin shots or watch what he eats or get exercise. D's father lost both his legs to diabetes and his mom takes shots every day.

Diabetes is a progressive disease. Just like addiction.

rayofsunshine

I'm ashamed to say *I* was that stupid and codependent before I found SR and found a little recovery. I bailed AH out, enabled him, more times than I care to admit. And when he was running and not checking in with his PO, I lied and said he wasn't at home when he was. Stupid things I did! But not anymore ... never again will I do those stupid things. But, I know you can see why the loser friend is doing it. Cause he thinks he's helping. In our ignorance we can "help" them to death.

Weirder things have happened. Maybe the diabetes will be his wake up call (as he's sitting in jail having a little time to reflect on things). My AH wouldn't take advil for a headache, he'd just suffer.. said too much advil or tylenol wasn't good for you. Yet didn't mind smoking meth (with all the crap they put in that).

Babs

I gotta agree with Ray. Don't go visit him unless you really want to. Nothing good would come of a visit prompted by guilt or anger or that darned need to know. We all know how hard it is to just turn our backs on them. (God knows, I bailed my XAH out 5 times!)

I have always marveled at how tenaciously we cling to those that we beg to be released from! I know I didn't start getting better until I finally just walked away. I had to close my eyes to him and totally concentrate on my own stuff.

Even now that mine is doing well, I still have to remain very aloof from him. He is like quicksand to me. It is SOOOOO easy to just get sucked back in! He was, in truth, my addiction, and I had to go cold turkey or lose what little sanity I had left.

I don't regret the choices I have made in the past because I learned valuable lessons from every bad decision, but I sure would not want to have to go through it again.

Keep your chin up, Kitty. 2008 can be your best year ever.

MWAH
Babs

hello-kitty

Good reminder about turning our backs on them. It really is what is necessary at some point. To save ourselves. I've already offered him the moon and stars if he would just quit and get well and that wasn't enough. There's no reason to persist. I guess I'm still trying to save him. But he doesn't need me to do that.

He has other friends and trust me Ray, you are not as stupid and ignorant as D's crack smoking friend - theres a whole lotta crack psychosis and insanity going on there that I don't even want to go into on this board because it brings up really bad memories. The guy truly IS stupid. And his codependence is some sick drug induced mental illness. NOT THE SAME. Well maybe it is. Maybe I need to be a little more compassionate and forgiving.

Last night I put together a letter telling D what a screw up he is. Telling him what a bad father he is. Asking him if he was done yet. And I inserted a few pictures of his son. I ended up deleting all the words and inserting a quote instead. I read it on someones avatar on this sight - "Do I want to live while I'm alive, and embrace what sustains me or die while I'm alive and embrace what destroys me."

I haven't sent it. I don't know if I'm going to.

Babs

WOW, what a quote! I had not seen that one before, but I guarantee that I will see it again....lots of times!

Kitty, have you read the Language of Letting Go for today? December 29th? Ann posted it on another thread, and it hit me right between the eyes. I printed out a copy to take with me today when we go see my XAH at the half-way house. It was exactly what I needed to read today, and I think maybe you would connect to it as well.

I wrote a lot of letters to my XAH, but I have only sent one. I wanted to make sure that nothing I said was going to make our situation any worse than it already was. I spent weeks coming up with just exactly what I wanted to say.....keeping it totally to my thoughts, my feelings, my sorrows, and my needs. I edited out anything about him. Not my jurisdiction!

Wish me luck today, I am nervous and uncomfortable.

Babs

sadness123

What do you guys see when you look back on your lives this past year?
I see a lot of pain, anger, and hurt in my life this past year. This year has been an emotional journey. I have realized by looking back, im not completely over all the anger, pain, and hurt. I have had many bathroom floor moments this year and not enough happyness. I realize I give up to easily. I dont really go after what I want. I forgive but I never forget. Which I should probably do more often. I notice that I have started expecting less of myself and others. The past few years have been totally down hill. Im hoping that next year can be a good year. Im trying to make a life for myself that no one else has been able to make. Im 13 almost 14 and I am saving up money for college, a car, and apartment. After my grandparents retire which will be soon, I will have to buy my own everything. The only thing I wont have to pay for is the house, if I still live here. I am getting 2 jobs this summer. One at the local pool in the concession stand and the other at Mcdonalds cleaning the floor and tables. Well I have to go. Bye Have a Good New Year incase im not back on by then
P.S. My birthday is the 31st.

rayofsunshine

Yeah, Kitty, you can't save him. You can only save yourself. I know what you mean about the "friends". I can't stand most of my AH friends. I don't have any compassion there because of the he!! i've lived with because of drugs and the fact thats where he spent most of his time. Not home with his family.

Writing is good therepy for you, whether you plan to send the letter or not. I like the quote you inserted. Most likely he knows how much of a screw-up he has been, now that he's had a week in jail to think about it. Telling him wouldn't serve any purpose, unless it would make YOU feel better. LOL


Babs, hoping your visit went ok today. Sending (((HUGS)))


Sadness, Your life is what you make of it. I think you are beginning to see that. Your choices have alot to do with the outcome. Keep making good choices and 2008 will be a better year for you. You are one smart cookie for your age. You also show alot of wisdom in your posts. I'm glad you are here to share with us. HAPPY NEW YEAR to you too!

hello-kitty

Great question Sadness and happy birthday! You are an incredible young woman and you have a bright future no matter what anyone else does in your life. You are in charge of you. May this be the best year yet for you!

This has been one of the greatest years of my life. I watched my son go from a sweet little baby in to a walking talking toddler who loves sword fighting and pretending to be a pirate. I am amazed at how smart kids are. I never knew what beautiful little creatures they are. So sweet and loving. I never would have experienced the joy of life if I hadn't gone through hell. I am greatful to my addicted ex for my son. I wouldn't go back and change a thing. It took everything I went through to get to where I am now. A home owner. A mother. A successful career. No more drugs. It takes what it takes. Next year my boy will be three. I can't even imagine... three years ago I was hanging out with crack addicts, turning into one myself and ruining my life. Now life has meaning. I never forget to count my blessings.

Babs

Hi all,

The visit with the X went pretty well. I took a huge picnic and we ate it on the front porch of the half-way house ( eating was something we always did well together! ) He was very happy to see the boys.

Ray, thanks for the hugs. They worked like a charm.

Sadness, you have, indeed, had quite a journey this year. But look at how much you have grown! There has been some pain, but the lessons you have learned from your pain have been HUGE. I wish I had been as savvy at 14 as you are....I could have saved myself a whole lot of anguish in my life. You will be fine, my young friend. I hope the coming year is a fabulous one for you.

6 And, by the way, Happy Birthday!!!!! I hope you have lots of fun, cake and birthday WOO-HOO!

Kitty, it is good to hear you counting the blessings you have in your life. Being a mother was truly the most spiritual experience I can think of. All you have to do is hold that little sleeping angel and you understand what is really important in the world. How could anyone give birth to a child and not believe in a higher power.....the awe and the wonder are still with me even after all these years.

Cindi, don't be a stranger. Hope all is well with the house sale....I know you will be glad when that is concluded and off your shoulders.

Love to all. I have a feeling that 2008 is going to be a great year for all of us.

MWAH!
Babs