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Loved Ones in Prison

Old 01-16-2008, 03:49 AM
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Yup I am still here. I don’t get as much time as I would like to read and post, but I do what I can. I have been reading some of whats going on and I am happy for the good things, and the progress I hear that some of your loved ones have made. I hope to continue with making progress myself. Work is awesome, and I will have this job with better pay when I get out in March. Man it is almost here, 3 years to prepare for a new beginning. I have been dealing some with relationships, old and new but have a positive attitude and aint into rushing anything lol. All of the strength that I see in everyone on this thread that posts is very touching to me and definitely an inspiration. I like success stories, but at the same time I try to learn from the not as successful (at least not yet) ones. I still have not seen my son in 3 years, but have talked to him (he is almost14) and I really look forward to that. I have court the day after I get out to see about some visitation and things, so I hope that goes well. Well thanks for letting me share and for being here.
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Old 01-16-2008, 10:03 AM
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Just popping in to say. Nothing new to tell you about my ex. He hasn't even attempted to contact us. Why?! That really makes me mad. He has a little boy. I guess he doesn't want a relationship with him. He's too selfish - even when he's clean. Even when he is in prison with nothing else to do. I guess I should feel blessed but I'm mad about it. Maybe I shouldn't even post in this thread anymore since he's not a "loved one" anymore.

The new guy that I'm seeing is really sweet but I feel a bit smothered. I guess I have gotten used to being alone. I also keep wondering what is wrong with him! Cuz it seems like any man interested in me seems to have major problems that reveal themselves well into the relationship.

Anyway, I appreciate reading all your posts. Hope you are all having a good day.
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Old 01-17-2008, 04:47 PM
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I know that when I was in prison, before I got work release, there were times when I didn’t want much contact with others on the outside. I did it so I could get my own thinking straight and was working on myself. At the same time you cant or shouldn’t, and I didn’t, withdraw from everyone, especially your children. With nothing to do in prison, like you said, time and the outside can be the hardest thing to deal with (besides other inmates, but that’s a whole other story) and from my own experience, many don’t do it well. You have no control over anything, not even what you can do in some respects while locked up, much less the outside. But all this is not an excuse for not being a man and doing what you should be doing, just something that I had to learn for myself and lots don’t while on the inside. I am not saying that in and of myself I am special, just blessed by God to have gone through the whole experience and all the STEPS of the last 3 years. It takes a lot of hard work, and time and being real with oneself and the world and how things are in general. Even at my lowest I still loved my son and it hurt so bad knowing the crap I was doing I couldn’t even begin to describe it and it makes you feel worthless and in turn fueled my addiction, until the pain from using was greater than the fear of changing, and entering into a controlled environment was a blessing to me, and saved my life, and given me a chance to change my perspective of things. Well I hope you all the best and please keep posting. When things don’t seem to be working and you feel adrift, just push through and keep doing what you know that you should and it will come back around to you, is what I have experienced. Thanks. :ghug
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Old 01-17-2008, 06:24 PM
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That was nicely said, Sean. It sounds like you have your act together.

We just love a success story!

MWAH
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Old 01-17-2008, 06:59 PM
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Reading your post made me feel better Sean. Thanks for that.
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Old 01-18-2008, 07:24 AM
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Hi everyone. Sean, your posts are encouraging, thank you. I'm so glad to hear how well you are doing. March will be here before you know it. It's amazing and awesome to see God working in your life, isn't it. I can really see him working now. My RAH and I went to the Auto Parts store this weekend to exchange the spark plugs. (I'd told the guy the wrong kind of engine the 1st time. LOL) There was a guy in there who RAH knew that had been to prison before and has been clean since, 6 years now. Then we went to the grocery store later that day and saw the produce man, who'd also been to prison before, and happened to be a distant cousin too, who's been clean since then. I needed that encouragement that day, I'm sure RAH did too, as we were still adjusting.

I'm off work this week, so we've gotten alot a stuff done around the house. The basement is almost clean again, the painting is almost done. He loves to cook, so we are eating pretty good now. My kids love this as I'm not as good at cooking. My kids have adjusted well. My oldest daughter even had her boyfriend over the other night to meet RAH while I was working at my part-time job. I was worried most about her adjusting to having her father home, (she's the one who would never visit him) but everything seems to be just falling in place.

I'm enjoying the family time now, just taking it one day at a time, as I don't know what the future will hold.

Hello-Kitty, you keep posting here... you have a lot to offer. Glad to hear to you having fun now, you deserve it. Just tell the guy you want to take things slow. Slowing things down will help the smothering feelings. (I was feeling very smothered when RAH got home. He wanted to be right with me all the time. I couldn't leave the room hardly.)

Glad everyone is doing ok on here. Thanks for all the encouragement and support! Group Hug! :ghug
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Old 01-18-2008, 11:00 AM
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Ray, is he doing any kind of meetings or rehab now?
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Old 01-22-2008, 08:00 PM
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My ex called. Apparently his friends raised the bail and he is supposed to be getting out tonight. He wants a place to stay. I told him no. He asked if I would think about it and I told him to call me in a few days. I almost hope that when his buddies pick him up they offer him a crack pipe first thing so that I don't have to deal with him. That's a horrible thing for me to think because if he uses he dies.

He's going to die. He's on insulin pills and shots if he doesn't eat right. If he hits that pipe, he will not eat right and he will go into a diabetic coma and die.

I walked away from a diabetic / crack addict when I was much younger and he died within the week. Overdose. Suicide. Whatever you want to call it.

I can't believe they are releasing him to the streets like that. No insulin. No where to go but home with "recreational" crack smokers. Yeah. Whatever.

Why do I have to deal with this crap. I feel numb.

I am ready for him to die. Even though it will be a tragic waste of a life. What about my life. I hate that he is my sons father. I will forever be tied to this guy. He will never go away.... until he goes into a diabetic coma and dies.
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Old 01-23-2008, 03:46 AM
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hello kitty i will keep you in my prayers as well as him and your son. it is a horrible lifestyle , but doesnt have to be yours. things will unfold as they are ment to be. the only thing i do when things a rough is to do what is best for me and let others deal with themselves. my heart goes out to you and your son. i can only hope that he (x) can be open to the help that is there one day and get his own act togher, but i know that you can for you and your son. when my times are hardest, looking back, that is when i can learn the most, as lonfg as i can stay the course. with love, SEAN
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Old 01-23-2008, 04:23 AM
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Kitty, that was always my greatest fear....that my XAH would die and my sons would be the ones who found him dead. That is, in fact, a possibility we all face. A woman I go to meetings with just buried her son last Saturday.

Yet, there is nothing we can do about it, any more than we can prevent an accident on the interstate. When it is their time, they will be gone. Period. The only blessing in the situation is that they would finally be out of their pain and free of their demons.

Kitty, focus on that little son of yours. If your husband had never been in your life, you would never have had that little boy. Perhaps he is the reason your lives had to cross paths....to put that particular child on this earth. That is reason enough to be grateful for having known him.

When you say you are ready for him to die, I am sure what you mean is that you are ready to have the pain stop....to have some closure. I was not only ready for mine to die, I was ready to help him go. I am not proud of that now, but back when I was living with that constant dread, it seemed logical and even desirable.

Do you go to meetings, Kitty? I actually went to a meeting one night, and when the leader asked us to suggest a topic, one woman said, "How about murder." That night I heard true gut-level sharing. It was so healing to know that it is a normal human reaction to the situation you are living with. Many of us get to that point before we finally reach the end of our rope and let go.....and letting go is the key. You have done all you can for him. Now your responsibility is to your son and yourself.

Climb up, Kitty. It is time to rock. You will be okay. This won't last forever.

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Old 01-23-2008, 07:29 AM
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You know babs. I called about meetings and they told me I couldn't bring my son because children are too distracting. I live in a huge city and there are only 3 meetings in the whole city (1 million people!)

How 'bout murder. I kind of feel that by not letting him come back here, I am committing murder. But I am really focusing all my energy on NOT dwelling on that.

Thanks Sean. Take care of yourself. OK.
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Old 01-23-2008, 08:43 AM
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Originally Posted by hello-kitty View Post
How 'bout murder. I kind of feel that by not letting him come back here, I am committing murder.
No, Kitty you are NOT. I thought that too, that is why I hung on so long. And that is what he is counting on...that he can guilt you into doing whatever he wants you to do. It has worked before, and he is counting on it working again. It is just manipulation.

He is an adult. He knows he has diabetes that must be managed. He knows that drugs are bad for him. YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME FOR HIS CHOICES!

When you have allowed him back in your home other times, has it stopped him from using?

I just hurt for you, Girlfriend. I know so intimately the pain you are experiencing.....

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Old 01-23-2008, 09:18 PM
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Sorry to just sort of barge in here....

i thought this was really good and i just wanted to share it...it is from PTO.


We are everywhere--

For those who forget that the incarcerated humans in this country are indeed just that - HUMAN - I would like you to think on this the next time you talk about "inmates, criminals, convicts, etc...". These humans have families and those who love them despite whatever they did. Look around you and wonder, because this is who we are....

We take care of your children and grandchildren in nursery
schools, we give them shots in the doctor's office, we are dental assistants, we are school teachers and Sunday school teachers, we stand behind you in the grocery store, we prepare your medicine in the drug store, we work in banks, we approve your loans, we service your insurance claims, we work for newspapers, TV stations and radio stations, we read your electric meters and water meters, we are your
landlords, your neighbors, we take care of your elderly parents in nursing homes, we are nurses, lab technicians, X-ray technicians, we own beauty shops, flower shops, printing shops, we are welders, plumbers, tree trimmers, we work for the IRS, the State Dept., in the courthouse, schools, churches, drug stores and toy stores, we are legal secretaries, lawyers, school board members, we are bus
drivers, we prepare meals for your kids in school, we are city
council members, bank tellers, we process your checking account, your saving account, we work at your Social Security office, your insurance company, we take care of your IRA, stocks, bonds, we sell your kids bikes, school supplies, clothes, shoes, eyeglasses, we repair your cars, we are real estate agents, car dealers, college professors, psychologists, administrative assistants, safety engineers and ranchers. We work at Ralphs, Albertsons, Trader Joe's, Wal-Mart, K-Mart, Target, Macy's, Nordstrom and Saks 5th Avenue. We sell Avon and Tupperware.

We are not all "on welfare",
no matter what the government would like you to think.

There are two million people in prison in America and twice that many on parole and probation. Add in mothers, fathers, children, sisters, brothers, aunts, uncles, grandparents and friends and about sixteen million people are personally affected by the prison system
in the United States.

We are tired of letting ourselves feel humiliated or embarrassed because our loved one is in prison. WE did nothing wrong, and they are paying for their crime!

We are tired of fearing the loss of our jobs or evictions from our housing should anyone find out we have a loved one in prison.

We are tired of being made to feel inferior or unwelcome in churches, clubs, organizations or society in general simply because we refuse to abandon our loved ones.

We are ready to unite, to come out of hiding and openly support each other and our loved ones. It's a new day, America and we're here to prove it!

We are ready to speak out against the "they deserve what they get" attitude we hear you talk about in stores, theaters and restaurants.

We number in the millions, we are everywhere, every state, county, city and town. We may even live next door to you.

Sixteen million & counting. We are everywhere.

Think about it.
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Old 01-26-2008, 06:50 AM
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Hi Everyone. Just wanted to catch up and check in.

Kitty, I'm sorry for what you're going through, too. I know how much it hurts and s*cks. Just remember you can't control anything about your ex... not his using or his diabetes no matter if he lives with you or not. You just don't have that kind of power. And it's ok to make choices that are putting YOUR sanity and welfare first.

Things are still going ok here. RAH got his license back a few days ago, and has been job hunting. Not attending meetings yet because of the license deal and also has to be home by 6 pm each night (intensive probation rule). He's done more needed things around the house this week. Kids were out of school Mon-Wed so he got to spend alot of time with the kids. Still taking it one day at a time.

HUGS to all!
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Old 01-26-2008, 08:43 PM
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Ray, you are SO in my thoughts. I hope you and RAH can finally find some peace and happiness.....
MWAH
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Old 01-26-2008, 10:20 PM
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Hello everyone. My trip was good. I got to visit my little brother and sister. My 1st step mom has a new boyfriend. He doesnt look or act like he does drugs. So thats pretty good. It is rumored that my dad and my 2nd step mom, his current wife, a getting a divorce but I dont know if that is true.
My grandma won't let me visit my dad. I really want to though. I am having both my grandparents send him money but neither one know that the other one is sending him money. I want him to be able to get everyhing he needs though. I would send him money if I could. Lets just say everyone has gave in to him except 1 of my grandpas, 1of my sisters, and my 1st step mom.
How is everyone doing?
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Old 01-27-2008, 10:04 AM
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Hi sadness, glad you had a nice visit with your brother and sister. Why are you sending your dad money? BTW, what's going on with that boy that you posted about a while ago? Have you moved on to bigger and better things?

My ex never got out of jail. It was just another fire drill. His crack addict friends are playing games with his mind just like he played with mine. Wonder how he likes it...

It gave me a chance to prepare myself with telephone numbers of rehab places and homeless shelters, and figure out how I will handle myself if and when he ever gets out and comes calling again.
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Old 02-03-2008, 06:50 PM
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I am having them send him money because I dont really know. He just needed money so I decided to have them both send him money. He is my daddy after all. And im pretty sure that he will get out on the set date and I think there is a good chance that he will stay out. Over the last few months I have changed my mind on like everything. I dont know what I would do without him. He is so funny. I would cry forever if he died or anything happened to him again. I cryed for a long time when he got burnt.
And about that boy, I dont really care much about him anymore. His current girlfriend like controls his every move. She is soo controlling. And I think its funny that he is with her when she controls where he goes, who he talks to, who he is friends with, etc. That is like having a 2nd mother. And when we were together I didnt control anything. I would tell him if I didnt like one of his friends but I wouldnt make him not be friends with them. I am over him. I made a list of pros and cons along time ago and he had hardly any cons and I made one recently and he had hardly any pros. I have forgot all about him for the most part. Like every once and awhile I would start to miss him but then I would forget about him again.
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Old 02-04-2008, 04:30 AM
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Sadness, you certainly sound like you have grown up a lot this year. I wish I had been as savvy at your age as you are!

Kitty, isn't it amazing how often we worry about stuff that never happens? I am so glad that you were not faced with him out of jail.....I have gotten so I love that place for keeping our problems out of our hair.....

Ray? Are you out there? Is everything okay for you? I figure silence is golden, so I am hoping that things are going so well for you that you don't need to come and unload. Let us hear from you.

Love to all,
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Old 02-05-2008, 01:37 PM
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Just a quick hello everyone. I hope Ray's disapearance means that everything is beautiful and going well. I hope...

Thought I'd let you know that after all the garbage about my ex getting out, he never got out. His mother told me that his crack buddies were attempting to forge my signature on a bail bond!

This has really lit a fire under me, because he could make bail any day so I am going in to see him to find out what the dates are for his next court appearance to prepare myself and stay informed of the situation. I am not bringing his son though. The jail is not a nice place and my son doesn't need to see his father locked up behind the glass. It's too disturbing. I don't want him having memories of that or asking me about it. I think he would cry.

The situations is starting to affect me and my son is many different legal ways and I need to file for full legal custody. I am very concerned that if he gets out he is going to run (I have heard rumors) and then I will be unable to reach him to get the paperwork filled out and establishing custody could become a nightmare. (Even though we all know WHO has custody, the courts always seem to make things difficult and I am afraid that anything that can go wrong will go wrong.)

I have made an appt for a consultation with an attorney on how to move forward with the proceedings and should know more tomorrow. It's going to cost $$$$ that I don't have. Just to file costs $250 and that doesn't even include attorney fees. But it has to be done before he gets out because otherwise I think we will be screwed.

Additionally, I am planning on taking my son back to Ireland this summer to visit family and I cannot get him a passport with out his fathers consent. I need to go talk to D about this and let him know that the paperwork is arriving in the mail and he needs to fill it out and have it notorized and then send it back to me ASAP. I don't think he will give me a problem with the passport but (and I know it's crazy) he might make the custody thing difficult so I'd like to get the passport taken care of first.
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