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Giving up

Old 12-02-2002, 09:20 AM
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Kathy122
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Unhappy Giving up

I think I finally snapped. I met my husband and he drank I thought too much, but socially. Always laughing, etc. Then...
The past 10 years he drinks off and on mostly on. He owns his own buisness which does well whether he is there no not. He lost his license for driving drunk and he hired someone to drive him around. He will go for days on end drinking. I run around and empty the bottles, or water them down. etc. All of which is getting me nowhere. Well last night I snapped. he was sitting on the floor( He fell of the couch) and instead of looking for vodka bottles to empty, I ran around and found all of the hidden liquor in the house. I poured him a two full glasses of vodka and left another bottle next to him and said go ahead dink until you drop dead I can't stand it anymore. Then I went upstairs and fell asleep. When I woke up for work, he was already awake again and still drunk. I really didn't care if he passed out and dropped dead. That is a very scary feeling because I do love him and I really didn't care last night. Has this happened to anyone else?
 
Old 12-02-2002, 09:53 AM
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It is what it is!!!
 
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kathy -

I am sorry for the pain you are feeling.

Have you thought about or do you attend alanon meetings? I am a recoverying A myself with some major codependent issues. Meetings, NA meetings for me, saved my life. I have been blessed to have a few years clean now and still attend meetings. This site is great for support in addition to face to face meetings.

you should focus on you, not him. He is going to do what he is going to do, I did! But what about you? what you you doing for you?

I know that it is easy for me to say, but you have to put yourself first, what you getting out of this relationship?

please keep posting, we are all here to support and help each other.
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Old 12-02-2002, 10:01 AM
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Morning Glory
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Kathy,

Welcome to the forum.

I've felt that way before. My son threatened suicide so many times that I just blew and told him to go ahead and do it because I was tired of worrying about it. We had a huge fight that day. All because he was drunk.

None of us are perfect and sometimes we snap. You have a lot going right now and no help from your other half.

I read your other post about your daughter. I do pray that she continues in recovery. There are a lot of mothers and wives here to offer you support. It helps so much to know you're not alone.

Please keep posting. We have sticky posts at the top of the alanon and naranon boards here. Please read them. There is a lot of good information.

Hugs,
MG
 
Old 12-02-2002, 10:57 AM
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Kathy,

You are definately not alone... I too have been where you are... I dumped it out, I filled it with water, I went to the store and bought it for him to keep him from driving, I called his boss, I did and did and did until finally I did snap.

By my doing all of that was doing nothing more than taking care of him - what about me??? I was lost somewhere in the mess and finally after a few years C&S, I sought help for me thru Al-Anon -

I agree with Pauline - he is going to do what he is going to do - but what are you doing to take care of you???

Keep Posting and ((((hugs))))
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Old 12-02-2002, 06:43 PM
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understand

I, too, feel your pain. I am also about to snap. My A has been drunk for three days now, hasn't gotten out of bed, hasn't helped with our twins, NOTHING! I was leaving for work this morning and he came out to the car looking like he wanted to cry and said he wanted to hold my hand and he needed me to help him. And for the first time I was able to say no. He has to help himself and damn if I'll let him manipulate me anymore. Like everyone says, you have to somehow let him go and take care of you. It is definitely easier said than done. Just keep telling yourself that you are powerless over him. If he wants to keep slugging it down then he will no matter what you say or do. You cannot control him. Hang in there.
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Old 12-02-2002, 09:38 PM
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No More Mrs. Nice Guy
 
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Hi Kathy!
Welcome to the forum. There are a lot of really good posts here that offer words of encouragement and advice. Many of the people here have experiences such as yours, and thru their posts they share their experience, strength and hope. There is a reading list that suggests a number of good books, and I have to recommend finding a local Al Anon group. Going to Al Anon has saved my life. It doesn't make all your problems go away, but it certainly gives you tools to deal with the stuff that comes your way.

Keep posting and reading.... keep coming back
Hugs
Osier59
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Old 12-02-2002, 10:00 PM
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WELCOME TO THE BOARD!!

Hi, Kathy---welcome!! I know that you will find much consolation and support on these boards---I know that I have in the short time since I found it. Many of us have been through similar experiences with spouses, kids, parents, etc. It's a difficult thing to put an invisible wall around your emotions, but quite necessary if you want to stay sane. My grown daughter is the alcoholic and has attempted to quit many times. She has lived on her own for many years and would move around with company promotions, etc. (She always called herself a "functional drunk"!!). There have been times in the past when she would beg me to visit and ask me herself to dump all the alcohol down the drain because she said she wanted to quit. I would do it, of course, only to find when I returned to my own hometown that she would almost immediately go out and buy more!!! I worried myself half to death (esp. after she went through ARD for a DUI), but FINALLY had to admit to myself that only she could make the decision herself. Well, to make it short----she hit bottom about 6 weeks ago and ended up in the ER in the city where she lived. She thought her "heart was going to explode" (and quite possibly could have) from the bender she had been on for about 10 days!! She said she knew she needed help and wanted to come home to get it. It took 4 days to get her into a rehab about 30 minutes from my home, and those 4 days were the longest of my life!!!! She went through a 28 day program and has improved in her outlook so much. I really think she wants it this time---but, as I said, she had to make the decision herself before it could work. She's living with me for now until she can get back on her feet financially (she had quit her high-paying job!!)---but, I've vowed to myself, that if things don't work out with her here---that I HAVE to take care of myself first!!!! I, too, as many here on the boards---have begun attending Alanon meetings and reading the literature. Important also, is the wonderful people that I have met on these boards---and I come back often just to gain strength. You will too, Kathy----so take the steps you need to start caring for yourself. This is truly a family disease---and don't EVER underestimate the importance of "YOU"!!!! God bless you in your journey!!
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Old 12-04-2002, 06:31 AM
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you are not alone

Kathy,

I can't even count the number of times I poured my A up a great big glass of whiskey hoping he would pass out soon. At least passed out I could keep track of him and keep us both safe. Drunk, he was unpredictable. He would fall alot..down the basement steps and face first into the cement floor once, cracking a tooth...into a fish tank with my favorite fish once ( i found him laying in the water, gravel and glass with cuts all over him, glass sticking out of his side and the fish on the floor dead), into the china hutch (just about everything was broken), into me, etc. He would get angry and break everything in sight, hurt me, leave in his car when he couldn't even walk. I was terrified of what he would do between the stages of "drunk" and "passed out"....the black out stage -since he NEVER remembered any of these things. I didn't want him to kill himself, me, or an innocent person on the roads.

It became an evening ritual. I would come home and he would be staggering drunk already. No more hiding the bottles....I would even go get more if he needed and sit him down and encourage him to have another shot and even have one or two with him so he would drink it faster. Then I would carry him (6'2", 220 at the time) up a flight of stairs and into the bedroom and stand him up in front of the bed and say "aim for the bed honey" and he would fall either on the bed or next to it in a heap. Then, I would finally have a few hours of peace and no worrying. I know it was wrong and I know that a better person would have found much better ways to handle it.

I loved him so much and he is such a great person sober, I just couldn't handle him drunk and he wasn't ready to stop and I wasn't ready to walk away. It got to the point where I was disgusted with him drunk and then finally to the point where he realized there was a problem and wanted help. It took a yr after that before he got sober, tho.

I don't think you should blame yourself for your behavior.....you really didn't do anything that he wouldn't have done anyway. I agree there are better ways to handle it, but I know that I chose the same way many times.

*hugs* piggle
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Old 12-04-2002, 08:37 AM
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When my A was drinking and would say he had a headache I would give him tylenol pm, and he would sleep for most of the day, so I could have some peace and not have to deal with him. He would take anything since he was also doing drugs, I actually thought about giving him something to kill him, but I knew that I really couldn't go through with it. Years later after he quit drinking, he saw me with a tylenol pm and said is that what you were giving me? I said yes, and he said you could have killed me if you wanted to, and I said yes and that I had actually thought about it. It really made him think.
I also want to add something from my own experience not drinking does not make an alcoholic "sober". They have to deal with whatever made them drink in the first place, just as I have to deal with what made me stay with him for 20 years. A "dry drunk" is a very hard thing to live with also. My A thinks he has done his part by not drinking and refuses to do any more. That is why I have made the choice to leave him.
I do understand your pain and frustration
ALS
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Old 12-04-2002, 10:15 AM
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The dry drunk was even scarier to me and more discouraging than the drinking drunk.
My A just got a DUI in Oct. and I was hoping he really wanted to get well but was also very cynical about it. I took a prove it, show me, walk the walk FIRST attitude. I was not willing to live with what I had been through before. So much rage! So I withheld my trust and my hope. I wanted to see it to believe it.
I know by the choices he has since made that that was not his agenda. He wanted to get through it but not REALLY change and get well.
He simply found someone else who would go along with his program.
It hurts like hell and all I am doing is one day at a time not having any contact with him.
I don't love him any less, but I simply can't take the pain.
Darned if I do and darned if I don't.
But I know that his idea of not drinking is enough is not enough for me. As someone here says if nothing changes, nothing changes.
I also appreciate it like it's a new truth everytime I see bonbon's motto of I didn't cause it, I can't control it , I can't cure it. In other words, to me, no matter how much I'd like to there isn't a thing I can do about it.
He is on house arrest now, can't drink. Says he is not going to drink for 5 yrs. The longest he has gone without a drink is 9 mos I think. Even now he is substituting prescriptions for drinking. dr gives him valium and dalamane. And if I were there, I'd be handing him the valiums just to make it bearable for me.
He is court ordered to AA. Not for the first time. He puts on a good show and charms women. His AA friends are girlfriends/affairs.
I am tired of fighting with him. Arguing against the rationalizations, justifications, and defending myself because I'm blamed for everything in some way or another.
For now, the less I know about him and what he's doing the better. This wisdom comes from Mg.
I realize I am addicted to him. Bonded strongly to something that harms me. Because I/we can't separate him from the disease when that is what is ruling his life.....our life if I am in it with him.
I take it personally that he doesn't care enough, but I remind myself, why should I be mad that he can't do it for me if he can't do it to save his own life? He can't do it. I don't know what bottom it will take but I know I've seen further down than I ever wanted to go, can't go any further, 'coz it's all ready been way too far way too many times for me.
hugs,
tena
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