you are not alone
Kathy,
I can't even count the number of times I poured my A up a great big glass of whiskey hoping he would pass out soon. At least passed out I could keep track of him and keep us both safe. Drunk, he was unpredictable. He would fall alot..down the basement steps and face first into the cement floor once, cracking a tooth...into a fish tank with my favorite fish once ( i found him laying in the water, gravel and glass with cuts all over him, glass sticking out of his side and the fish on the floor dead), into the china hutch (just about everything was broken), into me, etc. He would get angry and break everything in sight, hurt me, leave in his car when he couldn't even walk. I was terrified of what he would do between the stages of "drunk" and "passed out"....the black out stage -since he NEVER remembered any of these things. I didn't want him to kill himself, me, or an innocent person on the roads.
It became an evening ritual. I would come home and he would be staggering drunk already. No more hiding the bottles....I would even go get more if he needed and sit him down and encourage him to have another shot and even have one or two with him so he would drink it faster. Then I would carry him (6'2", 220 at the time) up a flight of stairs and into the bedroom and stand him up in front of the bed and say "aim for the bed honey" and he would fall either on the bed or next to it in a heap. Then, I would finally have a few hours of peace and no worrying. I know it was wrong and I know that a better person would have found much better ways to handle it.
I loved him so much and he is such a great person sober, I just couldn't handle him drunk and he wasn't ready to stop and I wasn't ready to walk away. It got to the point where I was disgusted with him drunk and then finally to the point where he realized there was a problem and wanted help. It took a yr after that before he got sober, tho.
I don't think you should blame yourself for your behavior.....you really didn't do anything that he wouldn't have done anyway. I agree there are better ways to handle it, but I know that I chose the same way many times.
*hugs* piggle