The dry drunk was even scarier to me and more discouraging than the drinking drunk.
My A just got a DUI in Oct. and I was hoping he really wanted to get well but was also very cynical about it. I took a prove it, show me, walk the walk FIRST attitude. I was not willing to live with what I had been through before. So much rage! So I withheld my trust and my hope. I wanted to see it to believe it.
I know by the choices he has since made that that was not his agenda. He wanted to get through it but not REALLY change and get well.
He simply found someone else who would go along with his program.
It hurts like hell and all I am doing is one day at a time not having any contact with him.
I don't love him any less, but I simply can't take the pain.
Darned if I do and darned if I don't.
But I know that his idea of not drinking is enough is not enough for me. As someone here says if nothing changes, nothing changes.
I also appreciate it like it's a new truth everytime I see bonbon's motto of I didn't cause it, I can't control it , I can't cure it. In other words, to me, no matter how much I'd like to there isn't a thing I can do about it.
He is on house arrest now, can't drink. Says he is not going to drink for 5 yrs. The longest he has gone without a drink is 9 mos I think. Even now he is substituting prescriptions for drinking. dr gives him valium and dalamane. And if I were there, I'd be handing him the valiums just to make it bearable for me.
He is court ordered to AA. Not for the first time. He puts on a good show and charms women. His AA friends are girlfriends/affairs.
I am tired of fighting with him. Arguing against the rationalizations, justifications, and defending myself because I'm blamed for everything in some way or another.
For now, the less I know about him and what he's doing the better. This wisdom comes from Mg.
I realize I am addicted to him. Bonded strongly to something that harms me. Because I/we can't separate him from the disease when that is what is ruling his life.....our life if I am in it with him.
I take it personally that he doesn't care enough, but I remind myself, why should I be mad that he can't do it for me if he can't do it to save his own life? He can't do it. I don't know what bottom it will take but I know I've seen further down than I ever wanted to go, can't go any further, 'coz it's all ready been way too far way too many times for me.
hugs,
tena